Baring It All

There are different kinds of nakedness. There is the nakedness of the body. It is incredibly vulnerable to bare one's body publicly, especially if you, like me, don't fit into our culture's idea of immaculate beauty. I am overweight. I have stretch marks and cellulite. My breasts droop. But through sex positive activities and an empowering community I have become comfortable being physically naked in front of others. I haven't only been naked, I have sucked cock, masturbated, fucked a dildo, orgasmed and had amazing, no inhibition sex with my Love in front of others. I have literally bared it all.

But there is another kind of nakedness that I have been encouraging - sometimes even demanding - mostly behind the scenes of the Imps community. It is emotional nakedness. It is speaking our feelings, particularly our shadowy feelings - fears and insecurities, grief and anger, shame and judgment. I believe that healthy community and communication requires an openness far beyond what is comfortable or "socially acceptable." I believe that the only way to avoid the drama that often tears communities apart is to put everything out on the table. And yet I am finding myself hiding away when my own darkness descends.

When I am surrounded by my shadows, as I have been lately, I tend to keep it hidden. When I am struggling to be an evolved and well behaved leader or mother, friend or lover, I hide away in my bedroom with my discomfort, my loneliness, my shame, my passive aggressive impulses, my anger and sadness.

Recently I came across this blog post and these words resonated with me so strongly that I realize that to be in integrity with what I ask of others, I have to bare it all, to expose my naked truths and shine the light in my darkness. It is part of the revolution to be real with each other.


I think that our feelings - of loneliness, confusion, pain, and isolation - are given the most power to create desperation if and when we bottle them up or try to bear them alone. What Ronna and Anne Lamott are expressing, even advocating, is the idea that being open and honest - not sugarcoating the hard stuff - is what makes it all bearable. It's what reminds us that we're not alone...that everyone has hurts and battles and scars that mirror our own - it's the universal human condition! And where we find release and relief from those hurts, those agonies, is in sharing them. I don't think it’s so much about issuing ear-shattering cries of desperation for their own sake. But when given an outlet, a voice, they are much more likely to live and die as struggles, perhaps even crises, rather than eating us alive from the inside out, harbored as smoldering secrets, individual shame, and singularly shouldered despair. (I would add resentment.)

I think we most often stay silent in our hurts and struggles and failures, because we are afraid that if we call them out into the world, that we will be shushed, shamed, or silenced. (Especially as women.) But I also think that the power that we (again, especially as women) possess is the tenderness and truthfulness that are necessary in order to carve out safe spaces in which unfiltered real life and gritty true stories can find expression. No matter how heartbreaking, life-altering, or power-structure-shaking they may be. It is precisely in the telling of our tales, the airing of our secrets, and the sharing of our former (or current) shame, that these shackles begin to loosen and relinquish their power over our lives. The hurt begins to dissipate, the wounds to heal, the shame to evaporate. And the Phoenix rises out of the ashes.

Because I believe that the more often we say these difficult things out loud - these big, scary words and world-shifting ideas that challenge the prevailing notion of what is socially acceptable to 'put out there' - the more likely we are to find truer paths to healing. To kindness and goodness. Toward community and compassion.

The safe spaces we create as a community are not just about safe exploration of sex or gender identity. We believe it is our honor and responsibility to hold space for everything that is not harmful in order to facilitate healing, individually and collectively. We hold space for the light and shadow in each other, staff and guest.

However, I haven't really trusted the community to hold my shadow. As hostesses, we feel that we need to be positive role models, and until now, have interpreted that to mean keeping our dark feelings to ourselves (or only sharing them with each other). But I am realizing that being a positive role model isn't about putting on a happy face all the time and stuffing the darkness until we are alone. It's about being real. It's about showing what it looks like to fail, take responsibility for our failure, and then make changes to ensure more success in the future. It's about admitting when we are exhausted and in pain, physically or emotionally, and asking for support when we need it.

There has been talk about me recently, and yet only one of those talking has been willing to come to me directly to express their concerns. Without knowing who has been talking, I am unable to offer apologies and find mutual understanding. So I've decided to address the issue here, not knowing if those who have been effected by my behavior will see it, but it's the only forum I have to give context and to express the changes we are implementing to help prevent my falling down in the future.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been snappy during breakdown of the last few events. My tone of voice has been less than kind and even made someone feel small. There is concern that if it were to worsen, some people may be unwilling to volunteer during breakdown - a time when we need our volunteers the most. It quite literally broke my heart to know there was any possibility I might drive someone away with my shadow behavior.

What I have learned through my attempt to understand why I become snappish is that not only am I exhausted and less capable of controlling my emotional responses, but I often feel my experience as a hostess is unseen and/or taken for granted during breakdown specifically.

My experience (not my excuse) is that by the time breakdown comes I am extremely tired and my body is aching. Not only have I have been on my feet for one, two or three days with little to no rest or sleep, but I have usually been at work for the Imps the weeknights leading up to the event, after working full days at my regular job.

During breakdown I am trying to pull together items that I take home rather than go to storage. I am often having to quickly prevent people from packing up what I need. I also have to prevent them from being careless with our art. We have lost a lot of art due to people pulling it down and tossing it together without removing the adhesives on the back. The art is created with a lot of heart, time and energy by community members. Having to throw it away because it's been irreparably damaged due to carelessness makes me sad.

And then there is the experience of continuing to work until the last item is in the truck while volunteers stand around and socialize. I cannot stop or go home until it is all done. I recognize it is a responsibility that comes with the position I have chosen. While I do not begrudge any volunteer the decision to be done and go home on their own terms, I do have difficulty with them standing around and watching me continue to work while they talk and play. I have difficulty with having to work around them and their stuff, and taking longer to get out the door because they have be herded. And honestly, it frustrates me that my friends will sit around and watch me keep working, seemingly unaware or uncaring of how hard it can be for me to keep going.

What we have learned from this experience is that we need to bring more intent and care to the breakdown process. We are going to begin breakdown with a huddle - to encourage each other joyfully, to check in about each others' limitations, and to address logistical issues so that we are not operating chaotically or carelessly. We are also going to tell people that if they are not working, they need to leave the building.

While it was painful to be told where I have failed to be a good hostess and leader, I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and implement the changes that need to take place to make breakdown a better experience, not just for me but for everyone. I am also grateful for the opportunity to look at where I need to ask for support and to be aware of how others may need support. There is so much work that we do behind the scenes. Most people only see the end product. As we expand the circle of leadership in the coming months, we need to be witness to each others' unseen work. We need to be careful not to take each other for granted or make assumptions about why we make the choices we do or behave the ways we do. We need to try to approach one another with compassion when something feels uncomfortable and remember that there is always a reason for someone's actions (or tone of voice). By baring it all, even our discomfort and frustration with each other, we will continue to grow the love in our relationships.

Namaste and thank you for listening.

This is a Revolution

Saturday Night was our Valentine's Party. Soon after the party started, I was approached by a gentleman who was positively glowing with joy. He was seeking out the Hostesses to express a word of gratitude. He told me that when he read our mission statement on our website for the first time, he cried. He told me, with a smile on his lips and tears in his eyes, that he had been seeking a community like ours for 40 years! He thanked me for the work I do to facilitate these amazing experiences we create together. And on his behalf, I want to thank everyone who participates in creating this magical and loving community with us.

Someone posted the following about the party in our Yahoo group yesterday: "I had an absolutely delightful time watching, dancing, playing, being in proximity to a wide range of people with diverse experiences and tastes. Yet, somehow, we all manage to come together, creating a space where all of us fit. I believe this is a paradigm lesson the world could stand to learn. I truly see us as becoming the change we'd like to see in the world. I'm honored to be a
part of this critically necessary change."

I am honored to be a part of this change as well. With each heart to which we bring healing and transformation, we grow this revolution of love. With each person that finds a sense of home in our collective arms, we shift the world toward a brighter future. We are learning together how to experience a new depth of acceptance and love for who we are with our quirks and our kinks, our light and our shadow, everything that makes us unique and everything connects us in the human experience. We are rewriting our life stories, shifting from stories of dysfunction, rejection, and isolation to stories of healthy relationship, acceptance and connectedness. We are actively creating more stories of joy. And we are learning just how incredibly sexy each of us really is!

I have been in service to world-changing my entire adult life. I have done traditional service, mostly with women and children, from creating a home for teen mothers to directing a welfare-to-work job training center. While I felt the reward of touching individual lives in profound ways, I also felt that something was missing, that I wasn't really impacting cultural change. I knew revolution was possible, but I didn't know how to be a part of it. Then two years ago I was called to this service - facilitating sex positive community. I didn't know this is what I wanted to do. It isn't traditional, it's taboo and risky. It is surrounded on all sides by judgment, ignorance and intolerance. But it is so incredibly rich in opportunities for healing, and personal and cultural change. I had no idea how working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy leadership, something I've been looking for in traditional nonprofit organizations for years. I had no idea that working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy communication within all of my relationships and revolutionize my own life.

For those of us who are going deeper than the sex, into intimate connections with friends and lovers, tribe and community, we are revolutionizing relationship. Each of us that takes what we learn and experience with each other into our families, into our workplaces and into our other social groups, is affecting positive change in ways we cannot even imagine. I am learning that for every word of gratitude and validation that I receive from a life I have touched, there are many more lives I have impacted that are unseen and unknown to me. The same is true for each and every of you.

This is a revolution of love. I am thrilled to discover where we go from here as we deepen our connection and deepen our evolution.

Sculpted in Flesh and Breath

Our Vibes Lead, Jason, wrote this delicious morsel today about his anticipation of this weekend's event, The Fire Down Below. I just had to share.

"Tick tock says the clock as the latest sexual offering of our cherished kinky Society draws closer to reality. It takes the event drawing within a few days before the first shiny edge of excitement slips under the door of my mundane life and starts going through my closet. "What to wear? What to wear?," and that is how it begins for me… That is when it becomes real. I want to represent the theme of fire. I want to feel sexy. I want to be wanted. Not simple tasks to accomplish.

But then I think of the party itself – when the sexually saturated mixes with nervousness and naïveté - experience and ignorance eyeballing from across the room - some coveting what the other possesses – the loving friends and new acquaintances – the thrill of the negotiation – the joy of the dungeon screams (godiloveyouimps). Yummy yum yum.

And so as the excitement swells, so do I.

I remember all the earlier parties – the bacchanalias – the musk in the air – the reaching hands and clasping fingers – unbidden guttural moans - sudden intakes of breath – eyes full, an Epicurean feast of the senses. I think about all the observation and absorption – the single tails, clothespins and the tiny rippling sound of buckling chrome on leather. The pheromones. The willing mouths and supple flesh escaping into a world made full by gyrating limbs, lustful desires, swelled pants and unleashed pudendum. The facefucks and fistings which follow and the beautiful satisfied smiles of a well nested recovery. I anticipate the displays of dance, song and kink - carrots, prancing ponies and delicious on-stage crudités. I recall the scenes rich with inundating, invading and undulating limbs, the taste of spit, sweat and chemicals, the smell of leather meeting latex. I look forward to seeing you all under the spell of extrasensory passion, projection and voyeuristic pride. I look forward to meeting within the chambers decorated and prepared solely to host the celebration of fuck – where underwear meets underground – watching fantasies realized, sculpted in flesh and breath and the sharing of one’s most secret hopes and desires with hundreds. Rise up children of HEdon and SHEdon – invite Dionysius as your wingman and together we will reclaim the sacred fuck."

Where I Fall Short

I have been thinking about the community a lot the last couple of days. There has been a discussion at the Imps Yahoo Group about social status, cliques, and potentials of real or perceived inclusion and exclusion in the community. I have found myself feeling defensive when faced with the idea that anyone may feel excluded from our community or think that we are an exclusive club. I realize my defensiveness is based in sadness - heartbreak that there are people in our community experiencing isolation and loneliness, feelings that they don’t belong and that somehow they aren’t “enough” of one thing or too much of another to be included. I know those feelings too well, which is why I try so incredibly hard to create an atmosphere of acceptance while holding ourselves to standards of healthy interaction (we love you, we want to know you, but we do ask that you at least try to interact with us in a healthy, uplifting way; we'll help you back up when you fall down and hope you'll do the same for us).

We make big effort towards letting people know that our mission is to accept, embrace, and hold space for anyone and everyone who seeks a safe space for their healthy creative and sexual expression. We train our staff in inclusivity. We make decisions all the time that are based on principles of inclusivity rather than our own feelings about individuals and we ask others to do the same. It’s not easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding to watch people who are visibly struggling with insecurity and unconscious/unhealthy social behaviors integrate into the community because we seek out their light, we practice forgiveness, we are willing to risk awkwardness, and we are learning open and healthy communication together.

But the reality is that I can recognize all this and also recognize my own falling short of being an example of the openness I desire the community to practice. The thread about ageism and single older men being perceived as creeps makes me aware that I suffer from judgments about people that keep me from interacting with them. I also struggle with typical insecurities that I will not be liked or that no one is interested in what I have to say. And I struggle with light-hearted social interactions. What we call “small-talk” is an ability that I do not naturally possess in most situations. I am wired to talk about how I feel rather than what I think or what I do, which is usually a more honest and complicated conversation than most people want to have at a social event. So I struggle both with not knowing what to say to people when I have a chance to interact, and fearing that if I talk about what comes into my mind (heart) that they won’t want to interact with me. In most opportunities I have to start or continue a conversation, I choose to just stay quiet.

As I wonder about what contributes to a person’s perception that there is an exclusive clique(s) in the Imps community, I wonder what people perceive in me and my quiet. I know in high school, when I was painfully shy, some people thought I was snobby because I didn’t interact and that maybe I thought I was better than other people. Does my quiet make people think I’m not interested in them or think that I am better than them? Is this compounded by being at the center of the community as a Hostess? Any position of leadership is accompanied by some negative perceptions, whether deserved or not. I had a staff member tell me a few months ago that people are intimidated by us because of our position. I can’t comprehend being perceived as intimidating when I’m sitting here so damn afraid that you won’t like me, and yet I fear my quiet is much of what may make me intimidating.

I’ve realized that if I don’t give people a story, a context for my behavior, then they are going to make up their own story about me and what my actions mean. So here I am, telling you my story...that I am experiencing the same things that many of you are when you come to our events. I’m scared and I don’t really know how to be myself around you. I am fighting “to be nobody but myself.” I am learning how to express myself, what matters to me. Despite the quiet you see, what matters to me most is connecting with YOU. You have no idea how much I love you, how much I think about you, how much I want to witness the stories of your unfolding. My desire is to break free from the fear of being myself with you and in doing so, to help you break free from your fear, too. My desire is to create a space, a community, where everyone can absolutely be accepted for who they are from the moment they walk in the door. Is that an unrealistic Utopian dream? Maybe, but does that make it any less worth striving for?

“Wanting and desire are potent, and they lie latent, dormant, silenced for so long – sometimes our entire life. Other voices (religion, family of origin, partners, work, culture) tell us in no uncertain terms that to want or desire, is selfish, dangerous, and a huge set-up for disappointment. Those voices are lying. They are the voices that keep us from being ourselves; that keep us from being “nobody but myself.”

Acknowledging that we have desire(s) – that we want, is what awakens everything that makes us who we truly are, “nobody but myself.” It’s the best weapon in e. e. cumming’s fight and mine. I’m betting yours, as well...Have faith that what you want and desire is inspired, beautiful, powerful, and worthy. Have faith that your truest voice, your inside voice, is the one that the rest of us most need to hear.” Ronna Detrik

Penis Passion

I just read this lovely article on Penis Passion by bell hooks.

"Returning to a blissful sense of the sacredness of the body, of sexual pleasure, we acknowledge the penis as a positive symbol of life. Whether erect or still, the penis can always be a marvel, a wonder, a magic wand."

I have had a complicated relationship with cocks over the years. I was sexually violated in my early teens and early 20's, as well as a survivor of domestic violence. I experienced a lot of unhealthy relationships and sexual interactions with men. I discovered my love for women in my early 20's as well and often wondered, especially after every bad relationship with a man, if I was really lesbian. While I loved sex with men, I really had no interest in sucking or touching their cock, or giving it any more direct attention than was asked for (whereas I have always adored pussies...which is why I dedicated an art project to them). As a feminist who participated in Take Back the Night marches and other women's empowerment activities, I found it difficult to separate the men I personally loved from the greater patriarchy that still oppresses women. I found it difficult to be comfortable with their blatant sexuality and desire, even if it was expressed without aggression. Based both in cultural and personal experiences, I got caught up in judgments about how men are obsessed with their cocks, which made me desire them even less.

And then last year I met my guy and his cock. I haven't just fallen head over heels in love with him, but with his cock, too. Yes, this is the healthiest and most loving relationship I have ever participated in, which inspires my tremendous sexual interest in him. Yes, we resonate intellectually, emotionally and sexually, which arouses my mind, my heart and my body. But there is something more to this cock love I have discovered.

As sensitive and wonderful as my guy is, he is still "obsessed" with his cock. He touches it and plays with it and talks about it all the time. He masturbates nearly every day that we don't have sex. And yet instead of being bothered by this, I find it endearing and fun.

"I believe we still need to see more visual images of the penis in everyday life."

Like bell hooks, I have formed a loving and arousing relationship with his cock that goes beyond erection and penetration. I love his cock when it is soft, laying against his belly when in bed, or nested against his balls when he stands. I find myself looking at it whenever it is exposed, wondering at its various states of being. I hold it often without erotic intent -- during our morning cuddle time or over his jeans when we're in the car or watching a movie. I kiss it often. I kiss it good morning or sometimes just kiss it hello for no reason at all.


"We could go down between male legs, abandon ourselves to mystery, and rise up satisfied and pleased with the knowledge that we could give and receive sexual delight. We could express our annoyance at expressions like blow jobs, which implied that anytime we sucked dick it was service work we did to pleasure men. The pretense was over. Females who enjoyed sucking dick could express that joy, could name it as an act of power which required males to trust in the sexual integrity of the female — to trust that at his most vulnerable moment she would give pleasure and not pain."

Oh, how I love sucking his cock. I have evolved from giving passive, dispassionate blow jobs that felt like work, to developing a repertoire of cock kissing, licking and sucking techniques for his pleasure. I have also learned how to give him a good handjob, something I had never done before him. I haven't learned and given these things just to please him, but because I get pleasure both from arousing him and from the acts themselves. It turns me on to suck his cock, most especially when he grabs a fist-full of my hair and fucks my mouth because he is so incredibly turned on.

"In a context of mutual sexual pleasure rooted in equality of desire, there is room for a politics of sexuality that is varied, that can include hard dicks, rough sex, and penetration as gesture of power and submission, because these acts are not intended to reinforce male domination."

My guy and I also have a developing D/s relationship. I find that I am having to work through shame and concern that I am turned on by being dominated by a man, that I desire to worship his cock, that I am so deeply aroused by rough sex and by being taken at his pleasure by mouth, pussy and ass. I am a service submissive by nature and you can see it in nearly all of my relationships, especially my relationship to the Imps. I have no issue with being submissive. It's been sexually aroused by acts that are considered demeaning to women that my inner feminist is reconciling with (and he is too I think). Having someone I admire, like hooks, give it a context of "mutual sexual pleasure rooted in equality of desire" is incredibly helpful. When we play rough, it is absolutely from a place of equal desire and mutual pleasure.

"...those of us who enjoy penis passion often find ourselves silenced by the assumption that mere naming of our pleasure is traitorous and supports the tyranny of patriarchy. This is simply faulty logic. Submitting to silencing makes us complicit. Naming how we sexually engage male bodies, and most particularly the penis, in ways that affirm gender equality and further feminist liberation of males and females is the essential act of sexual freedom."

Censoring the Dictionary

"A school district in Riverside County has pulled the Merriam-Webster's 10th edition dictionary from school shelves because it includes the term oral sex. The Menifee Union School District took the action last week after a parent complained about the dictionary.

'It's just not age-appropriate,' said school spokeswoman Betti Cadmus told the newspaper. 'It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature.'

The school board will decide later whether to return the dictionaries to the classrooms. One board member told the Press-Enterprise that there are probably more objectionable terms in the dictionary." Los Angeles Times Blog

Wow, really? We are going to start censoring dictionaries because they contain sexual language? This is an entire school district, not just an elementary school. I am flabbergasted that people are this uptight about providing information to school-age children about the most natural thing in the world.

If a child has the notion to find the definition for oral sex in a dictionary, then it's likely time they learn what it is...because they are already thinking about it! Besides, it's not as if they can't ask a fellow schoolmate or look it up on the Internet. When are people going to realize they can't "protect" their children from learning about sex? And learning from a dictionary and their parents in an appropriate context is a hell of a lot better than learning from their peers with the misinformation that abounds? Take it from someone whose mom kept her out of sex ed and got pregnant at age 16 because she didn't know anything about birth control...it is never a matter of keeping children from learning about sex, it's a matter of who they learn about sex from!

Here's a more comprehensive report on the issue.

Retreat and Renew

The Hostesses of the Impropriety Society had a two day retreat last weekend to discuss the future of the organization and reflect on our accomplishments of the past two years (can you believe it's been two years!?!). We have produced 5 large parties, 7 socials, and several workshops. We have operated in the black financially since the beginning, which is unusual for an organization/business of any kind, whether or not there are paid staff. We have had many, many people tell us that their lives have changed because of their participation in our events and community. And the biggest success of all for us personally: we have worked well together, processed through our conflicts and shadow behaviors with a commitment to healthy communication, and grown our love for each other as we evolve into better leaders and better people.

I have been involved in leadership for 10 years and have seen organizations struggle as politics, shadow behaviors and unhealthy communication destroy professional and personal relationships (and the organizations themselves in some instances). It is remarkable to see how the Imps volunteers have successfully navigated our relationships, deepening our friendship and intimacy rather than tearing each other apart, especially when sex is involved in such a prominent way (consider how most businesses officially discourage relationships between staff because of the problems that can arise!).

It turns out that we do far more than produce sexy parties. While we could have remained focused on managing the logistics alone, the Society is more than a sequence of erotic events. The Imps are a thriving community revolutionizing our cultural approach to sex, relationship and love. Because of our commitment to healthy communication, consent, negotiation, privacy and safety (both physical and emotional), the Hostesses have found ourselves having to take on an expanded leadership role by nurturing the community relationship.

Honestly, we were not prepared for the emotional stamina required for this kind of leadership. We did not consider that we would have to be role models for healthy relating with our staff, our friends and our lovers, holding ourselves to higher standards than we ever have before. We didn't realize that we would have to guide ourselves and others through the process of changing unhealthy communication and relationship habits -- whether public or private. We weren't aware that we would have to mirror people's shadows to them when their behavior becomes harmful to the community and face the heartache of people we love turning away from us. We did not know that community members would come to us for guidance on a whole variety of personal and relationship issues. We were not expecting having to navigate complicated relationships as the lines blur between volunteer staff and personal tribe. We have seen relationships begin and end, conflicts arise and resolve in forgiveness, and amazing love bloom in greater abundance than any of us could have wished for.

We have realized recently that the logistical demands for parties are more than we three hostesses can continue to manage with our full time jobs, families and social lives. The vision of a community center dances in our hearts, but we wonder about the resources needed to make it a reality. When we add the time and energy needed to nurture the volunteer staff and greater community, it's impossible for us to consider growth without growing the circle of leadership. We struggled this last year with maintaining the Society's regular activities. If we are to grow as an organization, or even continue thriving in what we do now, we need to expand the circle of responsibility.

We have decided to implement a new level of leadership in the organization called the Impresarios. This group will include event Crew Heads, as well as a few other new leadership positions that will both help us with the event planning logistics and with nurturing the community relationship. This team will meet monthly and participate in the decision making process. We are excited about the possibilities. We are excited about expanding our vision of what is possible by embracing the deeper involvement of others.

It's a new year and we are headed in a new direction. It feels good. I feel re-energized and re-committed to the evolution of this amazing community that brings so much love, fun and sexy goodness into my life. I hope to find that others feel the same way.

Help With Sexuality Preferences Research

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner Orientation
Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you.

Arousal Method
Touch: You indicated that you are usually aroused through being touched by your partner.

Pleasure
Emotional: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through your emotional feelings.

Sexual Encounters
Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.

Sensitive, sensual and kind. Enjoys the present moment and prefers not to rush pleasure, achieving orgasm within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their sexual partner. Not likely to introduce new ideas but is receptive to them and adopts a willingness to try anything at least once.

* * * * *

From the website: "The BSPI© was developed as a communications tool to help individuals understand their own sexual preferences in their sexual relationships and provide a comfortable means for openly discussing one’s sexuality.

While the BSPI© is an easy, fun and thought provoking exercise, you are also taking part in a world-wide data collection project. Once you begin the BSPI©, you will be asked to voluntarily submit some general, anonymous demographic information that will be critical in the writing of my book – The Psychology of Your Sexuality. I am collecting the data to learn about differences and similarities in how we experience our sexuality. My hope is to use the information gathered to promote a healthier, wholesome sexuality that has its basis in pleasure and not mechanical performance and that does not pathologize any particular person because of the way they chose to express their sexuality."

Significant Piece of the Puzzle

where you came from
(poem for my daughter)

i.
the words came home today
unexpected, though i knew
they were inevitable

they didn’t knock at the door
they stumbled in
awkward and young

“I want to know about my dad,”
you said , six years old
unable to know what you are really asking

ii.
i tell you...

the thin but short legs
the round little butt
the Buddha belly

they are his

the rosebud lips
the soft brown hair
the swirl of ear

they are mine

the golden skin
the gray-blue eyes
the spirals of curls

they are yours

iii.
i tell you...

the remarkable temper
the bug-eyed glare
the exaggerated sins against you

they are his


the need to please
the easy tears
the ability to lie with a smile

they are mine

the screechy whine
the hypochondria
the desire to be center stage

they are yours

iv.
i tell you...

the charm
the leadership
the ability to inspire

they are his

the intelligence
the fierce independence
the obsession to learn and create

they are mine

the natural comedy
the gymnast tendencies
the touch that can heal

they are yours

v.
i do not tell you...

the prison walls
the ability to rape
and to murder

they are his
and he will not give them to you

the invisible scar
the gun against forehead
on the night you were made

they are mine
and i will not give them to you

the innocent smile
the easy laughter
the life free of violence

they are yours
and we will not take them from you

* * *

I wrote this poem as a hypothetical rather than literal handling of the situation. I told her what was age appropriate at the time, knowing that I would tell her the full truth one day. She is 14 now, has seen this poem and is aware. She is secure in knowing that I have no negative feelings about her presence in my life.

I will tell more of this story, and how it has influenced my evolution towards the Imps, in the near future.

Autobiography by Poetry

I Know (For Virginia Woolf)

I.

“Five hundred a year stands for the power to contemplate,…”

when you grow up
eating white beans
and ham-hocks,
peeing off the back porch
of a condemned house
without plumbing,
and wearing your mother’s
wedding dress
for eighth grade graduation,
self confidence
is as unattainable
as your own room

when you birth
your first child
at the age of seventeen,
learn neither friendship
nor romance will
play in your sandbox,
and survive on three hundred
a month and food stamps
to earn your diploma,
the dream of composing poetry
is as impractical
as a prom date

when madness
creeps in to take
your wits hostage,
a naïve choice in a lover
leads to his gun
in your bedroom,
and your second child
is conceived in rape
rather than love,
freedom of mind
is as hopeless
as a safe place to sleep

when your days become
blurred snapshots,
writing research papers
while nursing at midnight,
picking lice from your
daughter’s corkscrew curls,
and crumpling into bed
alone and weeping,
the power to contemplate
is as unlikely
as finding a devoted father
for your children

when winning bread
means struggling
to keep poverty
from possessing your family,
success entices you
to give up your imagination,
and the american dream
attempts corporate
conquest of your heart,
your greatest power
lies in your courage
to pick up a pen and write


II.

“…a lock on the door means the power to think for oneself.”

my stories are not
hidden behind wiggling
door handles,
my insights strut between
silly songs and giggles
with my babies

my stories are not
opened with brass keys
tinkling on a silver ring,
my brainstorms swirl and burst
among homemade bubbles
in the back yard

my stories are not
bound by scrawls on paper
or pixels on a computer screen,
my tragedies bleed from
tiny fingers with splinters
and paper cuts

my stories do not
wait for a quiet room
to reveal themselves,
they run naked through
my house and office
when least expected

my stories learn with me
that privacy is a luxury
a mother must demand
after so many years of interrupted
movies, meals, showers,
and sexual tanglings

my stories gather in my lap
each day as the sun sets,
where I kiss them one by one,
tuck them in a pocket
of my heart and whisper,
“Our time will come."

* * *

This poem was written as part of a submission to a competition for a writing grant for women, in response to Virginia Woolf's quote about a woman needing a room of her own and an independent income in order to be able to write.

More Brave, More Real

"i know i’m inspired when i read super-intimate tweets by friends & other artists, when i read interviews with diamanda galas talking about her extreme personal details. i feel less alone, more human, more brave, more real. in the end, it’s not about the ass-pimple. in the end, it’s about the humanity, about people willing to share their imperfections & strange little habits so that we don’t feel alone." Amanda Palmer

I came across this quote the other day on Amanda Palmer’s blog and am grateful for the reminder that people respond to deeply intimate sharings. It’s a way of building connection, one of the most important activities of my life.

It’s a new year, a marking of time that lends itself well toward manifesting new intentions...or reviving old ones that need re-commitment. Like telling my story. I am feeling the call to write again, to start telling my story again, as raw and open as I used to when I was blogging to people I didn’t know, people who didn’t live in my local community. I don’t post here as often as I would like because I’ve been afraid to be open here. I have to see the people who will read what I write. I can’t hide behind anonymity here. But I am deciding that’s ok. I am taking my next step in open-heartedeness.

This blog was meant to be a diary of an erotic hostess. How can it be a diary if I don’t write my most personal thoughts about this journey that I am on? And where better to start than by telling the story of what led me here, why I give everything I have to nurturing the Imps community? It’s a compelling story. I have experienced many miracles and traumas in my life. I have been through the school of hard knocks more than once. And out of that I have created a life rich in love and acceptance of who I am...emotionally intense, incredibly vulnerable, long-winded writer and all. :)

I now have a job where I have quite a bit of free time and no one is monitoring what I do with it. I think the wise thing to do with some of that time is write. I miss writing, both the personal sharing of it and the art of crafting thoughts into compelling sentences and paragraphs. I miss processing my life through writing. I miss sharing my evolutionary process with others through the written word.

And the truth is that I want to transition to making a living from something I love, like writing and facilitating evolutionary experiences for others, whether through coaching or producing erotic parties or other transformational activities that I haven’t even imagined yet. I am hoping that by dedicating some time to practicing writing again through my blog, it will lead me to writing articles and/or a book, which will lead to new opportunities for my career.

So the coming weeks will not only become a more consistent documentation of my life now, but I will also start telling the story of what led me here. I think I will begin tonight by sharing a couple of poems I’ve written about my past.

If I Were Brave Enough

Alliance

“You have to make an alliance
with your anguish,” he said,
“not wage war against it.”
And I thought of all the fists
I had shaken at misfortune: games lost
because the shot clock ran out,
a good meal scorched in a forgotten oven,
money dropped on a dress worn only once,
the bully in 6th grade, the math test in 9th,
the wrong outfit at Halloween.
But of course, this isn’t what he meant.


If I were brave enough, I’d tell you how my heart
has raged for love, stretched thin as a high wire.
If I were brave enough, I’d tell you
how my body has been fighting to stay upright
on every precipitous downhill the city
throws at it. If I were brave enough,
I’d climb into your lap and weep with longing.
All I can say is that any attempt at beauty and hope
is land-mined with failure.
And so the perilous track-making begins.
Wending our way through,
there are possible clutches at sunlight, at windows, at yes.
We are each of us inches from death.
We are each of us inches from life.
We are each of us inches from one another.

-Maya Stein

Redvolutionary

For my friends who might want to understand me a little better...I never thought to write my own spiritual mission statement and now I don't have to. Sera Beak has put words to my perspective on my place in the world and why my spirituality permeates everything that I do, including the Society. She calls it being a Redvolutionary.

"There are 6 main qualities or 6 bold ways of being that a Redvolutionary intends to encounter, tickle, and eventually manifest through her life and they are:

1. Know Myself

This means I take the time and make the effort to really know who I am: my mind, body, emotions, sexuality, patterns, beliefs, issues, spirit, soul - the conscious and the unconscious and the in-between via certain practices and approaches that resonate with me (some of these may look traditionally spiritual some may not – meditation, hula hooping, yoga, cupcake appreciation and so on).

Besides actively seeking out and using specific practices and approaches to come to know myself, I treat my life as a teacher. I’m aware that the universe speaks in metaphor. I’m willing to use symbolic sight in order to realize that everything that happens in my life – from the glorious to the shitty – if I allow it too, has the potential to wake me up even more to myself so I can be a better, more authentic human.

As a redvolutionary, knowing my self, means knowing the divine. Let me repeat, the best way for me to know the divine intimately, is to know myself intimately, as our essential nature’s are the same. Yum.

2. Know this World

I do not try to escape this world, or transcend this world, or treat this world only as an illusion or a trap or a mistake or a pit stop on the way to heaven or nirvana or the 5th dimension. I do not treat this world as anything less than divine.

This means I do not numb out in front of the T.V. with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s every night (or however I may numb out or be apathetic). I’m not only willing to wake up to my own personal reality, but also to the impersonal reality of this planet. I’m willing to see the truth of this world – globally and locally: of politicians, religions, social structures, environment, the media, what’s going on in my neighborhood, my own community and family.

I educate and inform myself so that I make clearer more conscious decisions across the board – how do I vote? How do I recycle? Where do I buy my food/clothes/vibrators? I take responsibility for my actions, thoughts, energy and my life. Just to be clear: There’s not a “right” redvolutionary decision, a “right” redvolutionary choice, thought or way to be. A Redvolutionary is simply willing to become very conscious of her choices and she’s willing to see the reasons why she is making that particular choice.

Turning red is also about embodied spirituality – meaning my spirituality is dynamic, active, fleshed out and lived in. Spirituality is not separate from my everyday, compartmentalized into a after-work power yoga class or morning meditation practice or Sunday prayers. It is life. And life is It.

3. Embrace Myself

What I come to know about myself, I intend to accept and eventually love – all of it: my spirit and my soul, my body and my sexuality, my desires and my passion, my talents and my gifts, as well as my unhealthy habits, addictions or fears, so my light and the dark, my seemingly “good” and “bad,” my clear skin and my pimples.

A Redvolutionary embraces her whole self out loud, boldly, uncompromisingly. And when she’s not able to do this cause she’s dealing with a particular hardship or trauma or simply stressed out or having a bad hair day or if she just simply forgets – she forgives herself, laughs or cries, resets her intent to embrace herself and moves with total gratitude into the next opportunity to do so. As we all know, life is great at providing us non-stop opportunities to practice embracing ourselves.

This is an important one: Despite the somewhat glorious title of “spiritual superheroine” - being a redvolutionary isn’t about being invincible or perfect or being “spiritual” or “enlightened” – it’s about being yourself – the full messy, raw dirty, funky, authentic lovely human self. A woman willing to be this transparent and vulnerable, a woman willing to reveal her true self in this world no madda what - is revolutionary, rare, daring, a superpowered strength – and I think it’s one of the main reasons we’re here.

Through this awareness, intent, practice and openness to our own embrace - eventually and quite naturally, a redvolutionary falls truly, madly, deeply in love with her self and this planet. She becomes a Lover with a capital “L”

Being a Redvolutionary is about becoming a “making of love”. A juicy wild ecstatic “oh yeah!” of necessity.

Embracing myself in this way, loving myself UP (and down), is how I come to also truly embrace and love the divine (cause remember, in the red perspective, you two are not so two as you are one. Essentially).

4. Embrace my World

As I practice accepting, embracing, and eventually loving myself, it’s only natural that I start to practice accepting, embracing, and loving others with all their faults and gifts, and this world in all it’s pain and horror and wars and devastation and injustice as well as all it’s joy and peace and beauty and creation - and every nuance in between. And I am grateful, so very, very grateful to be here. And I act like it.

Through this intimate embrace, I start to experience, on a fundamental cellular level, through knowing, not just believing, that All really is One. We’re all made up of the same divine energy, particles, dirt, air, stardust as the rose bush, that dog, that Iraqi woman, my coffee cup. So, I embrace this world as a living, breathing, growing, natural element and extension of my self.

My actions, thoughts, and choices begin to stem from my heart, they come from love -not sappy vanilla pudding hallmark love, not fluffy new age “love and light” mumbo, but red blazing true love, unconditional love, fierce love, the type of love that sets your eyelashes on fire and blows your “spiritually correct” panties off – the type of love that creates massive change on this planet. As Tom Robbins says “Love is the ultimate outlaw”

5. Liberate Myself

I intend to liberate myself from everything (conscious or unconscious) that keeps me contained, repressed, unhealthy, or that makes me feel small, ashamed, sinful, separate, and forgetful of my true divine nature.

I begin to do this by igniting my divine spark, which means becoming more conscious and intimate with my inner self. Yep, a divine spark has many names, some refer to it as Spirit, or your higher self, or True Self, your inner God or Goddess, or Buddha nature, or True Being, or Self with a capital S as Jung would call it, or Love, or as my tango teacher calls it “my inner chilli pepper”. Labels and theological or philosophical distinctions don’t matter to me, personal meaning and direct actions do.

So…I live my life based on my intuitions and guidance from this internal authority, my divine spark – I do not live my life based on the opinions, ideas, beliefs, rules, trends given to me by external authorities such as the media, politicians, fashion magazines, doctors, spiritual gurus, priests.

This does not mean I exclude external authorities, I respect them and learn from them and enjoy them and I seek them out when it’s appropriate, but my ultimate authority is my divine spark.

By becoming my own spiritual authority I might start quite naturally and quite organically breaking away from the status quo – I might blow up boxes: religious boxes, spiritual boxes, political boxes, social boxes, health boxes, age boxes, relationship boxes, sex boxes, fashion boxes, cookie cutter molds and so on and so forth.

This means I will probably not be a stereotypical “good girl” anymore.

BUT I do not break boxes in order to be provocative or simply rebellious. I do so from a place of authentic love and compassion. My redvolution is NOT done out of conscious or unconscious reaction, but out of a fully conscious response to my inner truth. In other words, I live from the inside out. I am empowered from the inside out. I am free to be whatever it is I am in the moment - in the bedroom or in the boardroom.

BOTTOM LINE: There can’t be a Redvolution if our divine sparks, our true selves, aren’t leading the way. (Goddess knows we’ve witnessed enough “revolts” led by the ego and the penis).

6. Liberate this world:

I liberate myself in order to help liberate others. Although there is a spiritual superheroine archetype to a redvolutionary, she does not believe anyone or anything needs saving. In other words – a redvolutionary is not here to save the world, she’s here to serve the world. Or, another somewhat paradoxical way to look at it is a redvolutionary helps save the world by saving her self. Meaning any focus and work on (and play with) myself is done so I can be that much better at serving others and this planet.

You see, when we ignite our divine sparks we start quite naturally recognizing the divine spark in every living thing, which leads us to naturally want to be of service in ways that are appropriate for us and so we actively and eagerly seek out a variety of ways to do so.

And the cool thing is, we’re more effective with our acts of service because they stem from this deep inner well of wisdom, love, and fiery freedom. We don’t burn out so easily because we’re not relying on our personal power alone, but also the power of everything and everyone we are connected to and the slap-happy holy moly Universe itself. We are a non-stop love conduit of blaring bliss. A spirited energizer bunny on 34 cups of cosmic caffeine. A secret agent of radical red change."

Falling In Love Again

I haven't written (publicly) for two months. I keep starting to draft blog posts but either get distracted or insecure about sharing too much. The Masquerade kept me quite busy through September and October, but it would be dishonest to say that's the only reason I haven't written. The truth is that I've been going through a process of re-evaluating my relationship to the Society and I haven't been comfortable with sharing it in such a public forum.

When we had our lovefest before the Masquerade began (which is where we bring the staff together to connect and energize with intention), I told them that I felt that the intention for the party was to fall in love. Half our staff were newbies who needed to fall in love with us in order to be invested in sustaining our efforts. The other half were those who've been together since the beginning and I saw that we need to consciously choose to fall in love with each other and the Imps again. We have reached that place in our relationship where we are tired, taking each other for granted, and have seen each other's shadows up close. We need to forgive and become vulnerable again. We need to recommit to the light in the vision we share and the deep love we feel for each other in order to keep moving forward in joy.

What I didn't tell them at the time was that I needed to fall in love again. I was feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, tired of dirty laundry and scrambling for volunteers for breakdown and storage after events. I felt that I was giving everything I had and wasn't being fed in return. But I also wasn't sure what it was I needed to sustain my passion to serve. It took awhile to realize that I wasn't experiencing the intimate relationship with individuals that I desire, that I thrive in. I was having a relationship with the collective (I tell my partner that we are in a poly relationship except that my outside lover is the entire Imp community), but I wasn't making deeper connections. I also realized that in a year and a half, not one of my tribemates had ever asked me to play, which seems odd. I know that I am well loved and that many find me attractive. Why wouldn't they ask me to play? I learned there are two reasons. One, I did not ask others to play (too insecure), nor project a desire that others could pick up on. Two, people are intimidated by their leaders.

If you've been to this blog before, you might notice a slight change to the name. It was called Diary of an Erotic Impress. Impress is a nickname our staff came up with for the three of us several months ago, a cute play on words. But there are connotations of royalty, of being separate from the community due to status. I am not comfortable with that. At the staff party after the Masquerade, I asked that we not be called Impresses anymore. We are Hostesses. We create a (temporary) home for others to express themselves openly, in comfort and safety. We are leaders by default. First and foremost we serve. The only thing that makes us different from everyone else is our shared passion to serve in this particular way. And why we serve is to create for others what we want for ourselves: connection, play, witness, and love for who we are.

Through the last event and subsequent tribe gatherings I have fallen in love again. And I have discovered what I need to sustain my ability to serve, to give all that I can without burning out. I need intimacy. I need personal connection. I need to talk and touch and kiss and play with my friends. I need to share our personal stories, to go deeper in how we know and love one another.

I am taking steps towards meeting my needs. Instead of waiting for others to invite me, I am inviting my friends to play. I am reaching out to people I resonate with to establish deeper connections. And I am sharing more openly about my own process, which brings me back to this blog. I believe I will be writing more again. It brings me joy to write. It helps my process to share my story. And I believe it leads to potentials in intimacy. When someone opens up and shares their experience, others are inspired to do the same. Connections are made when we recognize parts of our story in another. Maybe sharing here will bring me closer to someone.

Thank you for witnessing this rebirth.

Raising Sex Positive Kids

Someone wrote to the Imps Yahoo list recently asking for advice about talking to his 8 year old son about his cross-dressing. This is my slightly edited response...

I don't think there is anything more important than raising our children to be happy, healthy and whole human beings. It's the most significant way we can make the world a better place. It's a big part of why I do what I do as an Impress and feel so passionately about the big psychological issues around sex and relationship. Since we come from a powerfully strong history of family dysfunction and identity/sexual repression in this country, it takes a whole lot of consciousness to counteract our own and our culture's conditioning to find health and happiness.

I have raised two children, one of whom is a well-adjusted second year college student, and the other a fresh(wo)man in high school who has no apparent angst about her life with me (although there is plenty of sarcasm). I can speak from the experience of making choices that have resulted in happy, healthy kids/adults (others on this list can back me up on this claim).

My philosophy is that we teach our children what is appropriate, healthy and "normal." The majority of children raised in a queer home will believe being queer is as normal as being straight (and the minority who don't likely have someone close to them, homophobic and/or religious family members who don't agree with the lifestyle, giving them contradictory points of view in a shaming sort of way). The same applies to any other lifestyle, including cross-dressing. There are opposing cultural influences to battle, but I have found that speaking about these things consciously at as early an age as possible--not just living my life openly, but actually talking to my kids about it all, including what what is right and wrong with what they see in the media and the world at large--resulted in them being authentic to themselves and accepting of all kinds of people.

My strongest argument for being open about who you are with your children is that you don't know if your children are queer, gender-queer, or any other identification for that matter. If you choose fear and repress your authenticity with them, you are teaching them to live fearfully and repress who they are (which doesn't just apply to alternative lifestyles, but to staying in unhappy/unhealthy marriages or careers or whatever). Our children learn far more from our example than our words. Isn't that exactly what we are trying to change? Haven't we had enough oppression/repression and fear? Do we want our kids to live in fear and have to struggle to be honored for who they are like we have/are? Or do we want them to live in joy and openness?

I have known I am queer, kinky and poly since my oldest was 5 years old. I have always had queer, gender-queer, cross-dressing, trans, poly and kinky friends. I have chosen openness, within age appropriate boundaries, with my kids, and now the only people they think of negatively or as "abnormal" are bigots and haters, like the opponents of gay marriage.

Turns out both my kids are queer. My son came out to my family when he was 11. My daughter came out this last year. Would they be so comfortable with their queer-ness at an early age if they were not raised in a home where authenticity is both expressed and encouraged, and the queer lifestyle is both acknowledged and considered normal?

I also believe that even if a parent isn't queer or alternatively identified in any way, exposing their children to age appropriate expressions of alternative lifestyles is appropriate both to teach acceptance of all people, and so that kids won't feel bizarre and wrong if they find these tendencies within themselves. It's no different than schools teaching about different cultures to nurture acceptance. There are Pride festivals, and age appropriate movies, television shows, books, etc. that have queer and gender-queer characters if you seek them out.

I have made the choices I have because I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home where most of who I am is/was rejected by my parents and it caused a lot of wounding in me that has taken years to overcome. Even now the beautiful work I do as an Impress is ignored by my family, which I believe is community-healing, changing-the-world-for-the-better kind of work that a family should be proud of. I am proud to tell my children about it, and have been open with them since I started volunteering for Club Risque 8 years ago, even though I don't share the details. I told them I volunteered for sex parties and I told them why as soon as they were old enough to understand.

I am as open about being sex-positive as I am about everything else. In fact, I choose to be more open with my kids about sex-positive points of view than most parents. The reality is that we have a culture that is sexually dysfunctional and I have to work damn hard to counteract all the bullshit that is out there. We worry about what we expose our children to at home, but what are they exposed to out in the world, at school, in the media, everywhere they look and listen when they aren't in our presence? How do we counteract the bullshit without intentionally exposing our kids to positive, healthy views about sex, alternative lifestyles, kink, etc.? Do we want our culture to decide what our kids believe, especially about us and our alternative choices? I would guess not if we're already conscious enough to seek out and participate in a sex-positive community like the Imps. If we hide who we are now, what are we going to tell them when they are teens/adults? How are we going to feel if they reject us and others because we let our culture brainwash them that we are wrong for our lifestyle choices?

I know the desire to keep our kids safe in a bubble, to protect their innocence. But really, that innocence is mostly, if not entirely, an illusion once they start school. Other children are telling them stuff about sex and other topics. Kids who come from dysfunctional homes are bringing their dysfunctional ideas and behaviors into the classroom, whether bullying, or sexual harrassment, or whatever. Heck, even most so-called children's programming in tv and film is actually filled with violence. Most cartoons involve fighting and violence of some kind. Why do we accept violence everywhere but are so frickin' squeamish about sharing healthy ideas about sex and relationship? It doesn't make any sense to me. We should be paying more attention to what messages our children are receiving, counteract those we know to be unhealthy and encourage healthy perspectives any way we can.

I could say so much more about this. I could likely write a book about it. But I think you get the jist and if I've planted a seed for other parents, or some-day parents, or grandparents, or anyone who has a relationship with a child, then I'm a happy Impress.

Men

This is a post I just made to the Imps Yahoo group concerning men in our community:

In recent weeks I am finding myself saddened by the plight of men in our community/culture. It started with the masturbation thread a few weeks back (at which time I started drafting this email but never finished), and the pervasive issue I've been perceiving that men are often villified for their strong sexual drives and how they express them. Now this email about a man being dismissed and ridiculed for expressing that he has experienced domestic violence at the hands of a woman breaks my heart. I see these issues as being related, so I am going to address them both.

Of course a woman can abuse a man. I have done it myself. My ex-husband and I used to get into nasty arguments and when I felt cornered by him (because he wouldn't give me my space to calm down, he literally stalked me around the house) I would respond with physical violence, whether throwing a cup of water at him or pushing him or even hitting him a couple of times. Having experienced domestic violence in a previous relationship, to the degree of having a gun put to my head, I had a trigger for feeling helpless. But whether or not I felt trapped by his abusive behaviors, escalating to violence was never ok (he never actually got physical with me except to defend himself). Because of my experience I can easily imagine that there are women who have been raised in violence, or who have survived violent relationships, who don't know how to handle conflict any differently. Size doesn't matter, especially if she is abusing a true gentleman who would never harm a woman, even in defense of himself.

I believe men have gotten a bad rap in our culture and that we don’t recognize that they are as damaged by our cultural sexual repression as women are, or that they can be victims as well. We focus our attention on the violation of women and don’t consider how men are not raised to handle their tremendous sexual energy in a healthy way, or that they may have experienced violation themselves. We judge men instead of offering them compassion.

When men don’t learn how to channel their sexual energy properly and behave inappropriately, we judge them as creeps and assholes, rejecting and ostracizing them. We don’t bring consciousness to the reality that men act in fearful rather than loving ways because they haven’t been loved well themselves, or taught how to love well. I believe more often men just don’t know how to communicate effectively to get their needs and desires met, or don’t even believe it’s possible because they’ve been told their sex drives are excessive, or they aren’t enough of something—attractive, charming, accomplished, rich—to be considered sexy and worthy of experiencing pleasure.

I've known many men who have been told by women they love that they are wrong/bad for wanting to get off nearly every day, that masturbation and desiring to use porn as a stimulant are wrong, implying that something is wrong with them for desiring/needing that release more often than their partner is willing to give it. Women are fearful that they are lacking in some way if their man needs to get off more than they can offer, so they restrict and oppress them with shame and judgment. Women are fearful if their men have sexual interest in any one other than them, even if they only ever express it through masturbatory fantasy, so they make men feel wrong/bad for basic biological responses over which they actually have little or no control. Men are wired to want to plant their seed all the time in as many women as possible. It's a biological fact and it's pretty amazing that they do control it as much as they do by practicing monogamy. When are we women going to allow them to express their drive in healthy ways without judgment? When are we going to overcome our own insecurities/ fears so that we don't shame and oppress the men we love?

I believe we have invested so much in the Creep archetype that we see it everywhere, even someplace as benign as a man pleasuring himself while he watches others play at a party. Would we judge a woman for doing the same thing or just think it was hot? I would much rather create the space for a man to be held in love and acceptance when masturbating, even if he chooses not to engage socially at the party, than have a man repress his sexual energy and eventually express it in an unhealthy way. That’s where sexual dysfunction comes from, repressing our natural tendencies. A dominant who doesn’t learn how to play through BDSM becomes a tyrant in the office or the home. A submissive who doesn’t learn to express their need to serve becomes a doormat for others, often accepting abuse. For every sexual expression and fetish that is born in us, there is a light or shadow quality to be expressed. Loving acceptance brings out the light, repression and oppression bring out the shadow. If we take the shame and stigma away from public self-love at our events, make it ok for a man to enjoy our exhibitionism and pleasure himself—whether he has a partner with him or not, but especially if he does not—then maybe we will help him find the confidence to express his powerful sexual energy in other positive ways.

In response to today's post about domestic violence, I find it likely that many men have been victims of some kind of abuse--emotional, physical or sexual--whether as children or adults. We are not a culture where only men are abusers and only women are victims. We are a culture where most of us are wounded by some kind of abuse or violence at the hands of men or women. Sensitive men/boys can be demasculated, humiliated and bullied by women/girls. Men/boys abuse men/boys in all kinds of ways, not just through pedophilia. I've known many men who have experienced some kind of violence or sexual violation by brothers or neighborhood boys. Men/boys are bullied by other men/boys. Is it any wonder that not only do many men have difficulty managing and expressing their sexual energy well, but also have difficulty being in any kind of meaningful relationship with other men? Even in our tribe, the women spend all kinds of social time together, but I know of little social interaction between the men separate from us. Not only do they have issues of their own, but they don't have the same social and emotional support that we women have with each other to create healing. Women can get together and talk about their issues openly. Who do men talk to other than their supportive partners, if they have one? How are men to heal and to learn to express their wonderful big sexy energy in positive ways if we can't even create and hold the space for them to be vulnerable enough to look at their issues consciously?

No matter what issue arises around what we do, I try to never forget that what we are doing is nothing short of revolutionary. Every moment is an opportunity to change the way people approach their sexuality and relationship and it could change the world if we were to get healthy about sex and love. There are many opportunities within this community for choosing to do things differently that our culture tells us to. It all comes back to remembering that people hurt each other out of fear...fear of being unlovable, fear of being hurt, fear of never belonging, fear of losing the love they have. The only way to counteract that fear is to choose to respond lovingly to each other, no matter the situation. And to risk doing things differently. How do we create the safe space for men to address their issues around sex and love? What can we do to encourage openness and emotional vulnerability for the men in our community? How can women experience their own sense of safety while holding space for men to learn how to express their desires for sex and love in positive ways? How do we stop ourselves from becoming defensive and labeling a man a creep when it's likely he just feels unsure of himself and unable to express his desire in a non-aggressive or awkward way?

I don't have the answers to these questions myself yet, but I do try to keep my awareness on these ideas when I witness uncomfortable situations arise between men and women. I hope that if others do so as well, we can change some of the dynamics that have been taking place and create an even deeper experience of love and acceptance than we have before.

My Role Play Experience

I wrote prior to last weekend's Social about my various issues surrounding roleplay. I would like to share what happened for me in opening up to the idea.

I was drawn to being very girly, which is not a common expression for me. I tend to be rather serious\intense with a darker fashion sense rooted in my old days as a Goth-punk. I never wear pastels or white (although I do love to sparkle). It is both a part of who I am to express myself this way, and a sort of protection, an armor that I have become accustommed to wearing. What am I protecting myself from? The emotional vulnerability I always feel around others being one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve.

For the Social I wore a hello kitty tank top, very short jean skirt, white lacy panties, white knee high socks, high heeled mary-janes, polkadotted bows in my hair and all pink makeup. I also carried a fuzzy little purse with stickers, bubbles and lollipops. I started out feeling silly, but people were so kind about expressing how cute they perceived me to be that I quickly found comfort in expressing my girly self.

Psychologically, my original intent was a bratty schoolgirl, because being a receptive-passive woman by nature I am rarely assertive enough to be a brat, but something else unfolded instead. My inner little girl came out to play. The interesting thing about that is that I don't remember childhood at all, I don't remember being a little girl at all. For reasons I won't go into here, my memories begin at age 11. But she is in my heart of hearts and tries to come out to play sometimes. I have a fairly secret love for girly toys... sparkly stickers, fairy wands, blowing bubbles, Hello Kitty, little girl barrettes and purses, and other cutsy things. I tend to repress those tendencies because I am afraid others will think I am foolish being 36 years old, a mother of teens and all that. But at the social people were so positively responsive, it helped me to let go of my insecurities and just be who I felt like being. One of my highlights of the night was placing stickers on the skin of many of my Impish girlfriends. While I wouldn't do the full get-up in regular life, I do hope to be more open to my little girl when she wants to express herself and share her toys with her friends.

The other wonderful aspect of my night was the teacher-student scene I did with my partner. It was actually our very first D\s experience and I am so amazed at his courage and willingness to try something new in public. Sir took the time to prepare a lesson plan for me and inspired me to want to be a good girl for him (of course I did not want the punishments that he indicated were possible, like time-outs or eating olives--yuck!). He allowed my friends to give me birthday spankings and lovins. He gave me his first public flogging. In all this, he awakened the submissive in me at a depth I only had an intuitive inkling she might exist. I am very excited to continue my lessons with Sir.

I really appreciated Sebastian's emphasis at the roleplay workshop on how playing together can deepen the intimacy in a relationship. Something definitely deepened between my partner and I in this experience. The vulnerability we shared with each other, and the community, was profound. I am certain it will ripple out in ways we can't yet imagine, both in our relationship and our ability to be our authentic selves in the world.

I was originally confounded by the idea of roleplay because I thought I was supposed to be someone other than myself. I learned that what roleplay offers is an opportunity to explore parts of myself that are very much me, but I have repressed, and even forgotten, in fear of some kind. Roleplay is an opportunity to love myself more and deeper by honoring everything that I am within. I am grateful to my tribe and the greater community for providing the space for me to learn and grow in this particular way.

Coming to the Revolution

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Falling Down

I fell down last night. In a rather intense pms haze of shadow (do other women have stronger pms symptoms when something big is happening with the moon like an eclipse?), mere hours after proclaiming that I desire to release poverty consciousness and embrace abundance, I chose my fear stories and isolated myself instead of accepting loving company that was offered on my birthday night or reaching out for support from my tribe. I guess I am sharing this because I want the community to know that although I strive to live the ideals I share in writings like the previous post, I am really just a mess like everyone else most days. I am usually writing to myself as much as anyone else.

One of the vital lessons in conscious evolution and healthy relationship is forgiveness, both of others and ourselves. When we cannot forgive another it is because we are unable to forgive ourselves for the shadow they reflect back to us, we cannot or will not accept that we have the same ability to hurt another so we fail to find compassion for the fear that motivated their action that hurt us. On the other hand, I believe guilt and shame are prime contributors to addiction and stagnation in one's evolution, especially since I saw this pattern in my mother, who never experienced real healing in her lifetime and suffered extremely because she believed that she should for the mistakes she made. We are usually harder on purselves than we are on others. We are willing to accept the falling down of our loved ones and offer a hand to lift them up again, while we beat ourselves up for days, weeks, or even years for our own falling down, as if the bruises of falling aren't consequence enough. I am learning to illuminate the sources of my guilt and shame rather than hide them in fear of being unlovable should my failings be exposed. It is often the act of illumination itself that brings healing and releases the fear.

One of the reasons it took me months to start this blog after conceiving the idea is that I wondered who the hell I am to think I have anything of value to share about positive sexuality and healthy relationship. Then I remember that the people who inspire me most are those who share their own vulnerabilities and failures alongside their evolved ideas and successes. Too often we focus on the shiny happy side of things and try to hide our darkness. We hide from our darkness so much that we villify those who fall down publicly, even though spiritual teachers, politicians, celebrities and others we put on pedastools are merely human, too. I seek those who are willing to tell the whole story, light and shadow, and who remind me that being human is containing both. We shall never transcend our shadows as long as we are in these skinsuits, we can only illuminate and integrate them so that they do not continue to create unconscious suffering in our lives.

I fell down into my darkness last night, but I am welcoming the light this morning. I am consciously choosing both to illuminate my shadow so that my shame does not paralyze me, and begin this day with love for the process of transformation that I am in the midst of. It is all right to fall down, what really matters is that I get back up again and keep trying to live in integrity with the ideas about love, compassion, and abundance that I believe in.

Poverty & Abundance

We had a post to the Imps email list this last week from someone expressing fear of exclusion based on their inability to pay for our workshops, implying that workshops should be offered for free. There were several responses about the rewards of volunteering (besides free entrance to events in exchange), what it costs to produce workshops, and how no one in our organization is making a dime off what we do. But I was feeling that there was something deeper that needed to be addressed and wrote the following:

I feel that we have hit upon a deep and emotionally charged issue for most of us in this discussion about poverty and abundance and that we need to approach this subject with as much compassion and lack of judgment as we can muster as a community. Having come from both severe physical and emotional poverty, and lifted myself out of it, I believe I have something of value to share on both sides of the issue.

Transcending poverty takes a lot of work, and not just the kind where you go out and earn a paycheck. When you have only known poverty and have no role models for abundant consciousness, it is not just a matter of trying to get a decent job (which can be a struggle no matter how educated or experienced you are in Humboldt County—I have been laid off from three of the five organizations I’ve worked for the last 10 years and am worth far more than I am paid right now) or having a positive attitude of gratitude (although it is vital to changing our experience). I know that the person who started this discussion is a parent. An attitude of gratitude does not fill your children’s empty bellies nor make you feel any sense of security in meeting their needs. Not only are you struggling with money, you are struggling with your own doubts that you are being a good parent. I have been working on my own self development for 15 years and I have a very positive and grateful attitude about life. I believe the Universe is on my side. But when those days come that circumstances lead to being uncertain that I can pay a bill or buy healthy food for my kids, I struggle with the same fear and sadness that I heard in the original poster’s email. I wonder if and when the day will come that I am doing more than just surviving, especially with all of the work I have been doing to change my experience.

And I remember how it felt when I wanted desperately to improve myself as a person, to transcend these very issues we are discussing, and couldn’t afford to attend workshops to do that personal work with others, nor were there volunteer or scholarship options available. I didn’t feel the community support we have here, I felt excluded and alone, and I believe that is the experience many people know. Few organizations are run on service alone like ours is, without someone getting paid. The kind of community service, support and connection we offer is new to many people and they may not know how to access it, or even believe such loving abundance is possible for them. I feel it is important to remember this when someone reaches out in their fear of exclusion and not-enoughness. We need to remember that these expressions that come across as angry and accusing are actually based in fear of some kind and approach that fear with loving-kindness the same way we would at an event when someone acts fearfully.

Just as it takes a lot of internal work, patience for ourselves, and compassion/support from others to overcome the social conditioning we have about sex and love, it takes the same to overcome the social conditioning we have about money and abundance. It doesn’t just happen over night or the first time someone tells us it can be different. As the Ethical Slut discusses around the subject of polyamory, many of us were raised in and live in starvation economies. We are taught that there is not enough…not enough love, not enough money. We live in a competition culture that tells us a few of us are winners and the rest of us are losers. We are taught that abundance equals lots of money, not that we can experience abundance through community support. We can’t really know any different until we experience something different. I am experiencing true emotional abundance for the first time in my life through this community and even after a year of consistent love and support, I still have my struggles some days where I feel like a loser. I question my lovability, whether the people in my tribe really see me and want me around. My fear still overcomes the love for a little while. Gratefully I always come back to the love and my foundation grows a little stronger every day. But it may be years before I fully overcome the emotional poverty I was raised in and recreated for myself for years before I learned how to experience abundance.

It takes time and serious effort to rewrite our personal stories, to change a poverty story to an abundance story, or an excluded story to an included story, or an unlovable story to a lovable story. What we can do as a community is lovingly remind each other when we stumble that there is another story that we can be telling ourselves. While we must each take responsibility for our own experience, we have the potential of getting further/quicker along in our evolution if we experience love and empowerment from those around us, especially when we are caught up in our fear.

I do want to let the community know that we are very invested in inclusivity and that we wish for people to reach out to us when they are having an exclusion experience so that we can work to help you overcome it. I know that the current volunteer model may not appear to be a viable option for people who can’t afford our events—parents may not have the funds to pay a babysitter for the set up or break down requirement on top of the event itself or a disabled person may not believe they have something to offer due to their limitations. I would hope that those who are having these kinds of experiences would reach out to us to see what other arrangements might be made. For example, perhaps you have a sewing machine at home and could make pillow cases for us without having to pay a babysitter to be out of the house. Or perhaps a parent could commit to arranging a child-care trade co-op for the group. Maybe you have physical limitations but have things you could do on the computer. Please give us a chance to include you no matter what you perceive your limitations to be. The love and desire to have you participate is here, you just have to believe it is so.

Oh, and I hope that scholarhips become an option in the future. This could happen in a few different ways. More abundant members of our community could sponsor a scholarship for someone else. We may find business sponsorship that will provide some scholarship options. Or we may achieve enough financial support from the community as a whole to have the abundance for scholarships. Or all of the above. We will have to explore it, but I want you to know that we are thinking about it.