Sunday, November 22, 2009

Falling In Love Again

I haven't written (publicly) for two months. I keep starting to draft blog posts but either get distracted or insecure about sharing too much. The Masquerade kept me quite busy through September and October, but it would be dishonest to say that's the only reason I haven't written. The truth is that I've been going through a process of re-evaluating my relationship to the Society and I haven't been comfortable with sharing it in such a public forum.

When we had our lovefest before the Masquerade began (which is where we bring the staff together to connect and energize with intention), I told them that I felt that the intention for the party was to fall in love. Half our staff were newbies who needed to fall in love with us in order to be invested in sustaining our efforts. The other half were those who've been together since the beginning and I saw that we need to consciously choose to fall in love with each other and the Imps again. We have reached that place in our relationship where we are tired, taking each other for granted, and have seen each other's shadows up close. We need to forgive and become vulnerable again. We need to recommit to the light in the vision we share and the deep love we feel for each other in order to keep moving forward in joy.

What I didn't tell them at the time was that I needed to fall in love again. I was feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, tired of dirty laundry and scrambling for volunteers for breakdown and storage after events. I felt that I was giving everything I had and wasn't being fed in return. But I also wasn't sure what it was I needed to sustain my passion to serve. It took awhile to realize that I wasn't experiencing the intimate relationship with individuals that I desire, that I thrive in. I was having a relationship with the collective (I tell my partner that we are in a poly relationship except that my outside lover is the entire Imp community), but I wasn't making deeper connections. I also realized that in a year and a half, not one of my tribemates had ever asked me to play, which seems odd. I know that I am well loved and that many find me attractive. Why wouldn't they ask me to play? I learned there are two reasons. One, I did not ask others to play (too insecure), nor project a desire that others could pick up on. Two, people are intimidated by their leaders.

If you've been to this blog before, you might notice a slight change to the name. It was called Diary of an Erotic Impress. Impress is a nickname our staff came up with for the three of us several months ago, a cute play on words. But there are connotations of royalty, of being separate from the community due to status. I am not comfortable with that. At the staff party after the Masquerade, I asked that we not be called Impresses anymore. We are Hostesses. We create a (temporary) home for others to express themselves openly, in comfort and safety. We are leaders by default. First and foremost we serve. The only thing that makes us different from everyone else is our shared passion to serve in this particular way. And why we serve is to create for others what we want for ourselves: connection, play, witness, and love for who we are.

Through the last event and subsequent tribe gatherings I have fallen in love again. And I have discovered what I need to sustain my ability to serve, to give all that I can without burning out. I need intimacy. I need personal connection. I need to talk and touch and kiss and play with my friends. I need to share our personal stories, to go deeper in how we know and love one another.

I am taking steps towards meeting my needs. Instead of waiting for others to invite me, I am inviting my friends to play. I am reaching out to people I resonate with to establish deeper connections. And I am sharing more openly about my own process, which brings me back to this blog. I believe I will be writing more again. It brings me joy to write. It helps my process to share my story. And I believe it leads to potentials in intimacy. When someone opens up and shares their experience, others are inspired to do the same. Connections are made when we recognize parts of our story in another. Maybe sharing here will bring me closer to someone.

Thank you for witnessing this rebirth.

1 comment:

razorburns said...

i my self and experiencing a rebirth of sorts. though it doesn't really have to do very much with the imps, it is connected in a way.

the imps are bringing the love out of me. i've been closed off for a long time now, and this community has remained in my life and loved me, no matter how distant i was. i am glad that the imps are in my life and i am glad that you are in my life.

thank you.