Radical Self Love

I have not been loving myself well the last week and a half, hence my quiet here. I will write another post about what I've been experiencing, but I desire to share this.

A few weeks back I talked about writing a letter to myself for when I feel triggered, to remind me of everything I know when I am not in the fear-fog. This is different than the love letter I wrote to the Invisible Girl, although I think I will keep the letters together to turn to when I need them. I will be carrying this in my wallet so that I can be my own greatest friend when I feel triggered, lost and/or alone.

* * * * *

April My Love,

I am proud of you and I have faith in you, even now. You are in the midst of a psychological and spiritual awakening. You are deepening into love and healing your fear. It feels like chaos. It feels uncertain. And that is exactly right because you are challenging the conditioning of a lifetime and revolutionizing relationship. You are choosing to be a trailblazer in Love.

If you are reading this letter, it is likely you are feeling very insecure, or you have been triggered and you need trigger care. If you are immersed in fear stories (and you know what is fear and what is love), then you need to give yourself time to come out of the darkness before making *any* decisions. Remember the wreckage you have caused by believing the fog is all there is. You may feel lost and out of control, but the loving insights *always* come.

Remember that you are a spiritual being having a human experience. Your longing is a Holy Longing for yourself and for God. Try to shift your perspective to Oneness and eternal connection.

Honor your wholeness.

"Being present--rather than being emotional--is what allows real intimacy to happen." John Welwood

Please don't become your emotions. Feelings are meant to move through you, please stop gripping them so hard.

Be present. Hold space for yourself. Be your own witness and sit with yourself no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is. Trust yourself. Do not resist what comes, let it move through you. Resistance creates suffering. Hell is the rejection of things as they are.

Be kind and forgiving with yourself. It is all right that you still have places to heal. It is all right that you get triggered and break down sometimes. It is all right that you have big emotions, they are as much your gift in relating to others as they are your challenge. You are doing your best. You are not crazy and you are not your mother. You are strong, resilient and functional and you are growing into healing and deeper love. This is just another opportunity to wake up.

Keep your heart open. Remember that safety and security are illusions. Being raw and genuine, even in your heartache, is what's real.

Ask for help and support if you need it. Trust that the people who love you desire to support you -- even if they can't make the space to do so right away.

Remember that you believe in the open-heartedness of poly. Whatever you are feeling, in your body, in your heart, is a fear response. Talk to your fear. Find out what it needs for you to feel safe and loved.

"I imagine God loves in multiplicity, and with no conditions. That God has figured out that there is more than enough of her to go around, that love is never in short supply. I can't imagine God saying, sorry, I'm taken." Lori Lothian

If this involves Knight, remember that you are responsible to this relationship. Remember that commitment isn't about what we call ourselves or how much time we spend together, it's about our willingness to love and hold space for everything in each other. Remember that he is committed to you and holding space for your process. Remember that our strength comes from growing consciously together. He loves you. Trust him and trust the relationship you are building.

Remember that you love Knight for his open-heartedness. Remember that in your love for him, you desire for him to shine his light as brightly as possible – please don’t try to diminish him with your fear. You desire him to be authentic and to experience the fullest possible awakening and joy - that will involve other relationships. Find compersion for those relationships, in the spiritual perspective if necessary. Find the love in Knight's other relationships. Use your empathy to feel the joy they bring one another (you know how blessed anyone is to have Knight's love). Honor that they are opportunities to wake each other up.

Remember it has never been another person or anything other than the fear between you that has caused the rifts in intimacy and trust between you and Knight (or anyone else).

Be grateful for the ways this relationship is smacking you awake.

"...if you love someone, go deep into your own unique experience of what that love is, and just let that be who you are. Surrender to it. Build your identity upon it. You are not a person who is jealous. Not someone who's trying to control. Not even someone who's fearing. You are love experiencing itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness."

You are Love. Love your self, April, all the best ways you know how.

Vigilance in the Face of Fear

"Since it is easy to start doubting ourselves when we encounter our darkness and demons, it is important to understand that a wholesome logic operates here: The brighter love's radiance, the darker the shadows we encounter..." John Welwood

I have been belly sick near constantly since my trigger experience last Tuesday. My fear is still manifesting physiologically. It's not so painful anymore, but I feel nervous (topsy-turvy belly), as if something is about to go very wrong. Having this physical sensation every moment of the day makes it difficult to stop thinking about my fear.

If this is the brightest love I have known, then it stands to reason that I would be facing the darkest shadows within; that this could even be the greatest struggle I've known since fighting for my sanity. But I can't seem to accept that it is o.k. for this experience to be so intense for me. I am experiencing incredible judgment and self-criticism for the emotional roller-coaster I am on. I am worried that I am feeling too much and spending too much time thinking about what I am feeling. I am still resisting the difficult feelings when they arise, damning myself for them rather than holding myself compassionately. I am still afraid to share them, especially with Knight since I don't want our precious time together to be dominated by my struggle.

Some moments I feel as though I am very literally fighting for my life. And I am - I am fighting for the life that I desire - a life full of love shared in some way with Knight. Other moments I feel like I am blowing everything out of proportion and that I should be moving through my process much faster. What if it takes months for me to overcome these feelings? What if I have a trigger experience every time he has a date?

Since last Tuesday I have been sitting with my own terror. I don't believe it's an exaggeration to say that I have been terrified -- terrified that I'm crazy, terrified that I'll lose Knight because I can't do poly, terrified that this ache in my belly will never go away. Several times a day it literally takes minute-by-minute vigilance to keep the fear from overwhelming me.

Yesterday I read this...

"I had to exert almost a physical effort when I felt the fear arise. Even in daily life, when we get into negative thinking, we have to direct our mind to something else, but sometimes just thinking alone doesn’t get you out of it. Sometimes you need to look at something written down or listen to something directly through your ears. When you’re crippled by fear, you can’t even make yourself think of anything else, because your feelings are so intense. Directing yourself out of your own thoughts is one of the most difficult things to do, even in regular moments of our lives.

When I was going through that much pain, I tried everything to help my mind break free of my fear. I wrote uplifting words on my palm and literally had to force my eyes to stare at it. If you can simply think positively and have it help you get rid of your fear, that’s great - then fear hasn’t found a way to destroy you. But if you can’t, then at least you can say, “I’m going to read this passage that comforts me,” or “I’m going to look at some uplifting words,” and you put your mind there. You keep digging into the words, trying to understand what they mean. If you find your mind taking you away again, then read the words aloud, so your ears and brain can hear something positive on a more physical level.

...You have to indulge all your senses - ears, eyes, touch - to things outside of your feelings and fight with those weapons...It’s up to us to say, “How do I get over it? What tools work for me?” You have to choose how you do it, and only you can choose to mean the words you say."Immaculée Ilibagiza in Fear.less

I was struck deeply by this passage. There is so much resonance in my experiences and insights this last week, especially around trigger experiences.

This is why I am reading and writing so much. I am literally trying to rewire the neural pathways in my brain from fear to love. I read to inspire myself to think and feel different, to remind myself how I wish to experience life and to find insights into my experience. I write about how I desire to be living with faith, love and authenticity in hopes that the words will become my experience. This is why I am writing a letter to myself for when I am triggered (and have asked Knight to write me a note of what he wishes for me to remember when I am in the dark). Sometimes the only way to direct my thoughts away from the fear and darkness is to focus on something that tells me different.

I have to keep reminding myself that the fear isn't real, no matter how real it feels in my body and mind.

I fear that Knight will abandon me, yet my experience is that he stands by me no matter what--no matter how emotional I get, no matter how I've hurt him, no matter that he's shared his heart and body with another. He's still here. He still desires me. He still holds me when I cry. He still loves every single part of me.

I fear that I will become invisible if he has attraction and feelings for someone else, yet he shows and tells me how visible I am every day through texts or phone calls or time spent together.

I fear that I am crazy, yet despite my emotional roller-coaster I am still functioning and thriving. I am doing my best at my self-care practices. I am working every day. I am caring for my children. I am being a friend when needed. I am having good social time when I can. I am still capable of moments of joy and beauty. While this is big, it has not swallowed me, which means I am in control of myself and my life.

And the Universe keeps bringing me guidance and support on this journey...

"It’s what I most want and what I most fear. It’s what feels most true for me and causes me to doubt myself more than anything else. It lands me in places that show me my most profound strength and drops me into spaces of depraved insecurity. Faith is what’s needed. In the process. In myself. In the truth." Ronna Detrik

"We are not our stories." Mahala Mazerov

"I am responsible for keeping my inner world healthy and whole." Hiro Boga

30 Days of Radical Self Care

I started writing this post within a week of the "break up." It was actually the first post I drafted. The first major insight I had into the issues in our relationship had to do with self-care, recognizing that we were not caring for ourselves, which made it difficult to care for each other. I decided immediately to implement a radical self-care practice, committing to 30 days in hopes of giving myself an attainable goal and setting the foundation for the practice to become a good habit. I was going to boldly make a pronouncement about my commitment, but a variety of insecurities held me back. What if I pronounce it publicly and then slip back into my old habits and fail? Why would anyone want to read about my process? Who do I think I am?

But a couple of days ago, Lissa Rankin at Owning Pink published a post committing to 30 days of radical self-care (Owning Pink is a great blog and daily reminder towards the authentic life I desire). The serendipity was too much to ignore. I wrote a comment about my own commitment and she dared me to publish this post. So here it is.

I am on the edge of a major shift in consciousness - a significant choice point in my life. I have been approaching this edge over and over for years and my ego keeps saying NO and sending me back in circles. I continue evolving in other directions, but always return to this place. The Universe keeps calling me to live with more intention, more health, more love and I keep resisting. I keep telling myself that I am awake enough, that I work hard enough. I have overcome mental illness and poverty. I have raised happy healthy kids as a primarily single mom. I live a life of service. I am inspiring others to live with more consciousness in their lives. I have created a life rich with relationships. I am already working so damn hard! Do I really have to step up to more discipline and more responsibility in order to experience more love? YES.

This is where I decide whether I want to live in integrity with what I know to be true, or I want to continue living a half stagnant life. While I work hard to bring awareness to my relationships and my work, I am lazy about bringing awareness to my self. I confess that I take better care of everyone else than I do myself. While I give great effort to live up to a conscious relationship with my children, Knight, my tribe, my business partners and the Imps, I do not make the same effort on my own behalf. And I am living the consequences, as is everyone around me.

* My emotional stability is precarious - We had to put the brakes on the best relationship I've ever had largely because I cannot control my emotional reactions when I am triggered (it is my greatest challenge with the Imps, too). While I have made tremendous growth in managing my emotions (if only people knew what I was like when I was crazy!), I still have work to do. But I don't think it has so much to do with the psychological work of healing my past and overcoming my fear-stories as it does with daily self-care and spiritual practice that will create the centering place for me to respond to life from. I've been doing the psychological work, I have not been doing the spiritual practice.

* My spiritual life is nearly bankrupt. I was not maintaining a relationship with the Sacred. I did not have a practice. I did not put intention into living a life of Presence. I have not been living in integrity with what I believe about God. I have not been living in integrity with my belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I have not been nurturing a spiritual perspective and the expansiveness it brings.

* My body is a mess. I am in mild to moderate muscular pain nearly every day. My digestive system also causes me discomfort, especially when I'm emotionally topsy-turvy. While I've been toying with the idea that I may have a significant health issue, my intuition tells me my body is rebelling because I am not living in integrity with what I know about good health. While I eat better than I have at any other time of my life and rarely emotionally eat anymore, I still do not eat well. I ingest things I shouldn't. I was not exercising at all. I have been making poor choices regarding my body, or neglecting my body entirely, and I have reached a point in my consciousness where my body is telling me I can't ignore it anymore. Either I take care of my physical self or I live in constant pain and discomfort.

* My finances remain limited. I have never moved beyond living paycheck to paycheck. I am nearly always just a little bit behind so I never get ahead. I made poor financial choices in the past and the consequences are still being resolved. I am still suffering from poverty consciousness and fear that I can't take any risks as long as I have a child at home. If I can't manage the resources the Universe is giving me now, why would it give me more? If I can't manage the confidence to move in a new direction, how can I change my circumstances?

* I continue working for a living rather than living my life's work. While everything in me craves to be creating abundance through work of my heart, I don't take the steps or risks to change my situation. It is exhausting me to work a 9-5 job I don't love in an emotionally unhealthy work culture, and then make the time and space for the work I do love (currently through the Imps). My exhaustion limits what I'm capable of creating.

Steps I need to take for self-care and what I am committing to for the next 30 days:

* Begin every day with prayer. I need to open the lines of communication with the Divine. While my understanding of God is always changing, I have learned that a Sacred approach to life is the most healthy and stabilizing for me. I need to nurture that relationship by connecting with the Sacred every day.

* Write every day. Writing is a spiritual practice for me, a conversation between God and I, and a form of contemplation. Writing is also a tool for my emotional health. When I process my emotions through writing, I find clarity and calm. Writing takes me out of the rut of thoughts and often leads me into insight. And sharing my story with others through writing is part of my life purpose (more on that in another post). It is my intent to use this blog to document and process my daily journey on this road to a life of integrity.

* Pay attention to my authentic impulses and speak my truth when I feel guided. I ignore a lot of guidance towards love, which is limiting the amount of love I experience! I ignore impulses to reach out to people for fear of rejection. I have impulses to give gifts, to say a kind word, to give a compliment, to offer a touch, to deepen a conversation. I have gifts that I could be sharing -- healing touch, intuitive readings -- but I am afraid people will think I am weirdo or a fraud. I hold back from speaking my spiritual truths for fear of rejection. I try to make myself as "accessible" as possible. People in my tribe already talk about my hippy-dippy ways -- I have worried about what they would say if I didn't hold back as much as I do. But the truth is, my friends don't really want me to play small. They want me to be big and be as *April* as I possibly can be. (And if they don't, then I need to find new friends!)

* Study. Taking in new information from teachers challenges me to new insights and life changes. I am starting my mornings with The Book of Awakening. I am going to read Nonviolent Communication since violent communication is a shadow I am currently working with. I am also reading books about love and spiritual relationship.

* Friendship. Experiencing intimacy with others is a significant aspect of my bliss. Yet, I have not given the time and intent toward nurturing my friendships. I have made myself so busy with work, Knight, family and the Imps that I haven't had the space to be a consistent friend. I have also lived in fear of being rejected if I attempt to deepen friendship intimacy.

* Exercise -- outside if possible -- yoga or walking at least five days a week. It could only be 15 minutes, but it needs to be something. Both walking and yoga are meditative as well as physical practices. They feed my soul as much as my body. I've started going to the Arcata Marsh or Redwood Park every day at lunch to walk. I am finding that not only is walking significantly decreasing the pain I feel, walking in such beautiful places is nurturing my perception of life as a blessing. Yesterday the beauty of the sky reflected on the marsh waters actually brought me to tears. People in cities buy calendars and posters to see the beautiful landscapes that are within five minutes of me in any direction!

* Make better choices around food/nutrition and take a multi-vitamin every day.

It is my hope that implementing these daily practices will lead to positive shifts in all aspects of my life, especially my relationships. I am truly beginning to understand how living a love-filled life begins with loving my self first.

(Image Credit: Sharon Simpson)

Falling In Love Again

I haven't written (publicly) for two months. I keep starting to draft blog posts but either get distracted or insecure about sharing too much. The Masquerade kept me quite busy through September and October, but it would be dishonest to say that's the only reason I haven't written. The truth is that I've been going through a process of re-evaluating my relationship to the Society and I haven't been comfortable with sharing it in such a public forum.

When we had our lovefest before the Masquerade began (which is where we bring the staff together to connect and energize with intention), I told them that I felt that the intention for the party was to fall in love. Half our staff were newbies who needed to fall in love with us in order to be invested in sustaining our efforts. The other half were those who've been together since the beginning and I saw that we need to consciously choose to fall in love with each other and the Imps again. We have reached that place in our relationship where we are tired, taking each other for granted, and have seen each other's shadows up close. We need to forgive and become vulnerable again. We need to recommit to the light in the vision we share and the deep love we feel for each other in order to keep moving forward in joy.

What I didn't tell them at the time was that I needed to fall in love again. I was feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, tired of dirty laundry and scrambling for volunteers for breakdown and storage after events. I felt that I was giving everything I had and wasn't being fed in return. But I also wasn't sure what it was I needed to sustain my passion to serve. It took awhile to realize that I wasn't experiencing the intimate relationship with individuals that I desire, that I thrive in. I was having a relationship with the collective (I tell my partner that we are in a poly relationship except that my outside lover is the entire Imp community), but I wasn't making deeper connections. I also realized that in a year and a half, not one of my tribemates had ever asked me to play, which seems odd. I know that I am well loved and that many find me attractive. Why wouldn't they ask me to play? I learned there are two reasons. One, I did not ask others to play (too insecure), nor project a desire that others could pick up on. Two, people are intimidated by their leaders.

If you've been to this blog before, you might notice a slight change to the name. It was called Diary of an Erotic Impress. Impress is a nickname our staff came up with for the three of us several months ago, a cute play on words. But there are connotations of royalty, of being separate from the community due to status. I am not comfortable with that. At the staff party after the Masquerade, I asked that we not be called Impresses anymore. We are Hostesses. We create a (temporary) home for others to express themselves openly, in comfort and safety. We are leaders by default. First and foremost we serve. The only thing that makes us different from everyone else is our shared passion to serve in this particular way. And why we serve is to create for others what we want for ourselves: connection, play, witness, and love for who we are.

Through the last event and subsequent tribe gatherings I have fallen in love again. And I have discovered what I need to sustain my ability to serve, to give all that I can without burning out. I need intimacy. I need personal connection. I need to talk and touch and kiss and play with my friends. I need to share our personal stories, to go deeper in how we know and love one another.

I am taking steps towards meeting my needs. Instead of waiting for others to invite me, I am inviting my friends to play. I am reaching out to people I resonate with to establish deeper connections. And I am sharing more openly about my own process, which brings me back to this blog. I believe I will be writing more again. It brings me joy to write. It helps my process to share my story. And I believe it leads to potentials in intimacy. When someone opens up and shares their experience, others are inspired to do the same. Connections are made when we recognize parts of our story in another. Maybe sharing here will bring me closer to someone.

Thank you for witnessing this rebirth.