Exploring My Inner Slut

I came across this wonderful article yesterday...

My Sluthood, Myself

I think it's awesome that a woman is writing so openly and positively about identifying as a slut.

This came at a serendipitous time as I've recently decided to explore my inner slut in ways that I never have before, including a casual encounters posting at Craigslist seeking sexual domination. This is emotionally risky behavior for me. I am intentionally pushing my edges around the entanglement of sex, intimacy and love. I am desiring to explore pleasure for it's own sake and genuine connections with people that are based in shared sexual passion rather than romantic intentions. I am attempting to open my heart, my mind and my body to exploring my deepest fantasies without the emotional safety of already established relationship.

I am finding that even admitting my desire to be slutty is uncomfortable. I have to wonder how much is societal conditioning and how much is about my unwillingness to open my heart to less than "love-of-my- life" sexual intimacy? I wonder how much of the story I've been telling about "needing" emotional connection is actually true and how much is fear masquerading as a sense of self protection? I wonder how much my reliance on emotional connection has been about my inability to be my own best support no matter my relationship status?

I am significantly involved in a community that supports sexual exploration, surrounded by people pushing their own edges, and yet I've been incredibly restrained, wrapped up in conditioning about the necessity of safety through emotional connection. While I've had casual sex before, I can't say that it was from an empowered place or that it was free of the motivation of finding a deeper relationship. It was more likely driven by that motivation in most cases. And I've never been open to power exchange with strangers, or even acquaintances (well, other than birthday spankings at a social). The vulnerability of submission is something I've been unwilling to give to someone I am not bonded to as friend or lover. I am now questioning my self imposed limitations in order to discover what is really true for me rather than continuing to live the old stories I've been telling myself. I love people and I believe good connection with others is possible in all sorts of ways, so why am I living a story that keeps me from exploring those possibilities?

I like this passage...

"Even now...when I am actually ready for and wanting a more emotional connection, sluthood keeps me centered. It keeps me from confusing desire and affection with something deeper. It means I have another choice besides celibacy and settling. It means I won't enter another committed relationship just to satisfy my basic need for sex and affection. It gives me more choices, it makes room for relationships to evolve organically, to take the shape they will before anyone defines them."

And this passage was unexpected.. .

"I'm telling you this because sluthood requires support. Because any woman who indulges these urges carries with her a lifetime of censure and threat. That's a loud chorus to overcome. A slut needs a posse who finds her exploits almost as delicious as she finds them herself, who cares about her safety and her stories and her happiness but not one whit about her virtue. A slut alone is a slut in difficulty, possibly in danger."

This is an aspect of our sex-positive community that I hadn't considered before. But it's so true. I don't know that I would feel safe and sane exploring my sluthood if I didn't have friends who support my sexual adventures with enthusiasm and without judgment.

Maybe emotional safety means something different than a deep intimate relationship with one person. Maybe it means being vulnerable enough to be held by many and strong enough to hold myself when no one else can be there.

It Really Is All About Love

Even though this blog is supposed to be a diary of my life as an erotic hostess, I haven't been writing about the Society the last few months. This is because I have been experiencing significant burn-out, as well as distraction with the intensity of my personal life and the changes I am going through.

As I shift and evolve in my personal relationships, I am having realizations about my relationship to the community. I have been processing my thoughts and feelings about my future with the Society mostly privately. I think it's time to be open about my present experience.

"What I want to say is this: You know. You know what you want and who you are. You. Know." Danielle LaPorte

I keep telling myself and everyone else that I don't know what I want, or that I only know little pieces of what I want but can't create a full picture of the life that is an expression of my most authentic self.

Last night I experienced one of those pieces and the fire in me is burning brighter. One of the other Imp Hostesses and I were on local radio station KHSU's Thursday Night Talk. We participated in an hour-long discussion about the growing sex-positive movement from a political and revolutionary perspective.

I LOVE talking about the revolution. I believe the Imps community, as well as many other communities around the country, are on the front-lines of a new sexual (and relationship) revolution that could ultimately impact all aspects of our culture. As we experience sexual freedom and healthy relationship, we also experience freedom to be integrated and emotionally healthy beings in all aspects of our lives (as parents, teachers, employers, workers, community leaders, politicians, etc.). The more in touch we are with who we really are, and the more we can express ourselves openly, the more love we will experience in our lives. If we can heal and transform all of our relationships into loving expressions, then we will be motivated towards a culture that expresses love rather than fear and violence.

When we say we want to change the world -- doesn't it really always come down to ending fear and violence? War is violence. Environmental destruction is violence. Government oppression is violence. Racism, sexism, and all other such -isms are violence. Dysfunctional families are violent. And what am I learning in my personal life? That is takes self-love and love for one another to overcome violence. It is in our personal relationships that we can be saved as a culture, as a species. It really is all about love.

The sex positive community provides significant opportunities for evolution toward love. We are learning healthy communication and practicing radical honesty, which can be applied to all aspects of our lives. We are consciously supporting each others growth, mostly willing to face our shadows and work together to forgiveness, acceptance and love. We are deepening the intimacy of community by walking through the relationship fire together -- simultaneously as lovers, friends, and community co-creators.

What do I truly desire?

I desire to have public conversations, like last night's radio show, about the importance of the sex-positive revolution to individuals and society. I desire to talk about the importance of love to individual and cultural evolution. I desire to write and talk about the change that I am experiencing and witnessing in the lives around me.

I desire time to write and work on art projects as part of my contribution to the conversation.

I desire to facilitate community education in non-violent communication and conscious relationship practices.

I desire to facilitate experiences for conscious engagement with our lives -- whether through sexual expression, creativity, and/or intimate conversations.

I desire to continue nurturing conscious leadership practices.

I desire to co-create a spiritual community.

I desire to be more deeply involved with individual journeys. I desire to work with people in the midst of transformation. I have a lot to offer in love, learning and experience to coach/counsel others on their journeys through change -- whether grief, recovering from trauma, relationship shifts or other life altering experiences.

How does this relate to my role as an erotic hostess?

What isn't working for me is the administrative responsibilities for producing Imps events. I put a lot of time and energy into managing logistics for events and I don't enjoy it. And because my time is going to administrative functions, I don't have the time to put into expanding our education and community outreach. I put so much mental and physical effort into making parties happen that I am often too tired and sore to be emotionally present to the community at the events themselves. I am burned out. I have lost my passion and everything feels like obligation.

What I enjoy most is relationship -- interacting with other people in deep and intimate ways. Witnessing people unfold. Hearing people's stories. Sharing conversation and experiences in which we learn and grow from participating in each others lives, whether for a day or a lifetime. While I love our parties and the opportunities for freedom and healing they create, I desire to put my energy into going deeper between events.

And I desire to move out of this 9-5 job into work-of-my-heart. I don't know how to do that in addition to what I am doing now. Something has to change. But I know that the Society and I should be able to continue supporting each other in our evolutions. What that will look like, I don't know yet. But I'm excited to finally speak my truth, open my heart to the possibilities, and find out.

Thoughts on Polyamory

Tonight my business partner asked me if I have really considered that polyamory may not be part of who I am right now. I have considered it, very deeply. What I am experiencing is excruciating at times. I have asked myself many, many times if it's worth it. And I absolutely believe that it is, not only because I believe polyamory is an authentic expression of who I am and what I know about love, but because I also know what I know about fear.

My emotional reactions to Knight's new relationship are all based in fear. The topsy-turvy feeling in my belly is fear. I will not live a life based on fear, especially in my relationships. I have already lived fear, contraction and making myself smaller than I really am. I have watched the people I love choose fear. My mother died at the hands of her fear. My ex-husband lives his life through a computer because of his fear. When any of us hurt ourselves or each other, it is always in fear.

I choose love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I will sit through the fear, the heartache, the bellyaches, the memories, the insights, the breakthroughs and everything else in order to have love. I will work, like I have worked all my life, to create a life of joy, intimacy and creativity with Knight, my tribe and all the loves who come into our lives in the time we are together.

I know that once I work through the fear, I am capable of compersion. I know what it is to be desired and loved by Knight. It's a gift and one that should be shared. I cannot possess it. I cannot ask him to hold it back from others, to diminish his light when he feels drawn to shine it in sexual and/or emotional ways. If the relationship turns out to be long-term, rather than fear Knight's new lover, I would like to get to know her and to understand the opportunity in her for his capacity to love to deepen.

I believe in love. I know with all of my being that love can overcome my fear. Not just the love between Knight and I, but the love for myself that I am slowly growing, and the love from my friends as they bear witness and support me where they can, and the love of the Divine that flows through me when I am not afraid to let it. I believe that God, my community and I can love me into healing. I believe that the light that Knight shines in his love for me inspires me to burn brighter in my capacity to love (and vice versa). I will not walk away from it in fear.

*

As I consider the work of my heart, I keep coming back to something a spiritual teacher told me a few years ago. I was in a state of self-pity about how much trauma I've had to endure in my life. He told me that he felt that my purpose was to learn how to live through these traumas and heal them so that I could help others navigate their way through. Instead of going to university to become a psychologist, I am living the life of healing so that I can share my story and the tools that I am learning to use along the way.

I have overcome so many things: emotional abuse and a neglect as a child, a mentally ill mother, an alcoholic/drug addict stepfather, sexual molestation at 11, teen pregnancy/motherhood, single mothering, a gun to my head, rape resulting in another child, more single mothering, Borderline Personality Disorder (and all the consequences of acting out), and an extremely unhealthy and violent marriage.

What I am experiencing now is nothing in comparison to those traumas. This isn't trauma, this is fear of trauma. I can overcome this incredible fear that came from all of those things I have experienced. What I am afraid of is what happened before, not what is happening now. What is happening now is that I am in the most loving and healthy relationship of my life (even with its issues). What is happening now is that I have found someone willing to give me everything I have ever wanted -- to be known and loved for everything that I am, light and darkness, and to grow consciously together towards less fear and deeper love.

Sitting with my fear and feelings while my lover has a joyful, loving experience with another person is not the most horrible thing in the world. Facing my fear so that I can have compersion for his other relationships is something worth working towards. I believe that all relationships have spiritual purpose--that we are drawn to people who can help us wake up to greater love, if we do the work in relationship to them. If this is true, then every woman that Knight is authentically drawn to has the potential of waking him up to more love, which then allows him to share more love with me. The same goes for me and my other relationships when they happen.

I have been looking for love, and actively desiring to overcome the fear in my heart and home, since I was 14 years old and started reading every book that Leo Buscaglia wrote. I have known about and believed I am poly since I was 21. If you look at my bookshelf you will find many titles with the word Love, or which have ideas about how to experience more love in life. My life is about love, experiencing it in every possible way, as deep as it can possibly go. I can't and I won't choose anything else.

I believe that everything about who Knight is, including his authentic desire for polyamory, is here to wake me up to greater love. I believe that what I am going through right now is absolutely necessary if I am to have the vibrant life of love and creativity that I desire. I also believe it's absolutely necessary so that I can help my community move into lives of vibrant love, too.

I had the thought today that maybe there are other people who struggle with emotional and mental health issues that desire to be poly, but maybe having a more difficult time like I am because of brain chemistry or really fucked up childhoods or whatever. When I read resources about polyamory, what I don't see is someone addressing the deeper issues that result in intense jealousy and fear-based reactions to our partner's other relationships. Some of us have psychological (and spiritual) work to do in order for poly to be workable. I wonder how many people might be giving up too soon because they don't know what they need to make it work?

Just questions for now, but possibly another piece of the puzzle. There are a lot of serendipities pointing the direction towards me doing work with people around emotional-mental-spiritual health.

Death and Rebirth

I haven't written in awhile. As big Imp events approach, there tends to be less space for reflection. But now that we are headed into summer, I have a feeling - actually it's an intention - that I will be writing a lot more in the coming days. It's time to make some significant changes in my life and writing helps me significantly during times of transformation. I feel compelled to share this story as it unfolds, partially because I seek to be witnessed and partially because I always hope that sharing my story will be useful to someone else. It is in the sharing of our stories that we can find connection, meaning, insight, and a plethora of other gifts. And sometimes hearing someone else's story just lets us know we are not alone.

Don't hide your heart but reveal it, So that I may know mine too, And know what I am capable of... - Rumi

As I've said before, I've hesitated to be completely vulnerable in my writing here because this blog is associated with the Imps and because people I interact with regularly read it. As I bounce between the risk of transparency and the belief that I have to be "professional," I realize that I just need to honor that this is the space I created for writing the unfolding story of my life as an erotic hostess. The personal is just as much a part of that story as the professional is.

The image above is the Transformation card from the Osho Zen Tarot deck. In other decks it is known as the Death card. I love this card and because of it I have come to lovingly label times of intense transformation as "burning in Kali's Fire." The Fire of Transformation burns away the old (illusions, fears, wounds, all the things that keep us small) and forges a purer heart. Sitting in the Fire is painful, but it always leads to healthier and deeper capacities to love.

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey

It's been an excruciatingly painful week for me. My guy and I ended our partner-relationship. It turns out that neither of us is ready or able to fulfill the potential of our connection because we are nowhere near as profoundly in love with ourselves as we are with each other. We had been planning to move in together on June 1st, but the last few weeks/months we have been sinking into unhealthy patterns and hurting one another in the process. It all exploded last Monday and we have been navigating the wreckage since. There is no blame and there are no sides to take. We both made mistakes. We both neglected to put intention into the relationship and the necessary work into our own self-care and healing. Our trust in ourselves, each other and the relationship eroded. Our shadows and our fears took over. We have chosen to end that part of our relationship for now because it is the healthy choice to untangle our entanglements and overcome our dependency on (addiction to) one another. We both need time and space to focus on cultivating as much love for ourselves as we have for each other.

What makes this break up different than any other either of us have experienced is that our love is immense. And we are still madly in love with each other. We have put on the breaks before we stopped being in love. While it might feel easier to do the traditional break up -- to become distant and shut down our hearts to one another -- it isn't the loving choice that we desire to make. We are striving to remain open to the love we share and just shift its expression. We desire to maintain intimacy and support one another as we try to align with our right paths as individuals. We are open to new possibilities as we change. This is a death that will lead to some kind of rebirth. Maybe we are meant to be together and this whole process will birth a much healthier, richer relationship than we had before. Or maybe we were meant to be catapulted into our individual evolutions by our entanglement and then move forward as intimate friends. We have no idea about the future, we only know what we need to do now to move forward in love rather than fear and to build trust again.

Besides our personal motivation for remaining connected, there are other motivations as well. As much as I struggle with it sometimes, being part of a close-knit tribe and being community leaders for the Imps demand that we interact in healthy, loving ways. We will be attending a meeting on Wednesday and the staff decompression-party on Saturday. The following weekend will be a graduation celebration for tribemates on Saturday and an intimate gathering on Sunday. Unless one or both of us isolates ourselves from our tribe and/or stops working for the Imps, we have to maintain a relationship. It's a win-win for everyone that we desire to. I trust our tribe can hold space for the heartache and awkwardness that we will experience as we shift to a new sort of relating. They have already started.

Of course I have no idea what it will look or feel like when we attend future Imps events and play with others. While neither of us are in the right space for long-term relationship, that doesn't mean we won't have other intimate and sexual connections as we work on our personal evolutions. Unlike other communities where sex is kept behind closed doors, continuing to participate in this community requires an openness to the reality that we may see the other have sex with someone else. It's a very scary thought to me right now, but I am trusting that I will reach a place of ok-ness within myself in time so that I am not overcome with jealousy and other fear-based reactions.

It hurts like hell to do it this way. We can't escape, distract or disconnect from the heartache too much when we're continuing to interact. There is a necessary willingness to sit with the heartache and to process through all the negativity that comes to the surface. We are still talking and listening. There is a surprising willingness to hold space for one another as we untangle the mess we've made. Some moments I want nothing more than to blame and shut down. Some moments I am very afraid that I am alone, will remain alone and will not experience love like ours again. Many other moments I feel expansive and connected and I know to the core of my being that this will lead to very good things for us both. Choosing love is always the right choice.

First Video Interview

Dave over at Manifest Positivityrecorded a video interview with one of my business partners and myself while we were at HSU's Sexland Sexpo last Saturday.

Leadership 101: Conscious Leadership

In my last post I wrote in generalities about what it means to be an erotic hostess. What was missing from that post is what it means to be a conscious community leader.

I used to say that my first 8 years working in the non-profit world was leadership boot camp. I worked in direct support of Executive Directors and Boards of Directors for multiple organizations. Most of my experiences were learning from the failures that come from a lack of consciousness. In one case I witnessed an organization’s leadership fail do the necessary work to raise the money to be sustainable and was eventually laid off (as was the Executive Director). In another organization I witnessed the Executive Director, who was remarkable at keeping the money flowing but out of touch with day-to-day operations, come in and make careless decisions that created a dysfunctional culture. I witnessed another Executive Director rule through a tyranny of fear, creating a frightened and depressed culture. I have witnessed Board members who were more interested in the clout associated with Board service than they were in actually doing the work needed for an organization’s success. I have witnessed political and personal conflicts combined with unhealthy communication practices create cultures of tension, fear and heartache. Out of the six organizations I worked for, only one had strong leadership and a healthy culture, and even that organization then hired a new ED who was great at networking and creating a great image, but terrible at people management. She felt putting the money into a pretty building was more important than retaining the positions and people providing direct services.

I have learned that conscious leadership* is vital to an organization’s overall health. I have learned that people are an organization’s primary resource and the one that is most mismanaged. I have learned that the traditional business model that believes being professional means leaving your feelings at the door is unhealthy and unrealistic. The emotional does matter and it matters more than anything else, especially in community service. If people don’t feel good about the work they are doing, or the place they are doing it in, then they will not be capable of making a positive difference in the lives of those that they serve. If an organization’s culture is dysfunctional, it will not have an effective impact on the community. If it is funded by donations and client services, a negative culture will have great difficulty attracting donors and clients for long-term survival. If it can survive because its services are government funded and vital to human welfare, it will not have people who deliver services with kindness and compassion. Employees who are afraid, depressed, and burned out are going to pass on that culture to their clients.

Now I realize that those first 8 years were more like leadership internships and now I am actually in boot camp. Since I started leading the Impropriety Society two years ago, I have attempted to take everything I have learned about conscious leadership and apply it to our decision making processes, especially in regards to managing people and navigating relationships where the lines blur so much between the professional and the personal. Due to the complex nature of working with identity, sex and relationship, we have to make decisions that other businesses or organizations don’t have to consider. We have had to make staffing decisions that are not based on professional qualifications, but whether someone is capable of healthy communication and facilitating a safe emotional space for others. We have had to deny volunteers leadership positions because they have issues around sobriety. Our decisions have to be emotionally healthy if we are to facilitate as safe environment possible (knowing there is no true safety) for people to explore their deepest issues around identity, sex and relationship.

What I am learning is that being a good leader isn’t about your professional qualifications or expertise. It isn’t about life experience or having all the answers. Conscious, healthy leadership is about one’s willingness to take responsibility for everything – the successes and the failures, the practical logistics and the emotional culture – in an organization, as well as in one’s own life. It is about having the motivation to think about every word that you say and every action that you take and how it will affect others. It is about taking the time to study those who have succeeded and work to implement what you have learned into your own practices. It is about being willing to make every effort, fail, and then have the humility to apologize and make an even better effort the next time around.

It is my goal to be a conscious leader and encourage conscious leadership practices within the Society. I believe bringing consciousness to everything that we do is what makes us a revolutionary organization.
___________
* Dictionary Definition of Consciousness - awake, thinking and aware of what is happening around you.

Seven Attributes of Conscious Leadership

1. Provides authentic, values-based leadership
2. Clearly aware of people and situations from many angles
3. Consistently demonstrates the ability to listen on multiple levels
4. Balanced in their thinking with an observer’s hat on – aware of their own biases and emotional investment in the outcome
5. Heightened ability to communicate on many levels
6. Intrinsically validates and engages others
7. Ability to model and coach others in Conscious Leadership

What Does It Mean to be an Erotic Hostess?

Sometimes I wonder if I should change the title of this blog; while it is compelling and truthful, it is also deceiving. It could make people think they will read a lot about sex. While I have great sex several times a week with my partner, and have lovely sensual and BDSM experiences with friends, sex really has little to do with my position as a hostess for erotic events. Of course our parties -- the primary service we offer -- are very much about sexual expression. But what we do as Hostesses is far more about creating the space and facilitating the community relationship in which to have free sexual expression than it is about sex itself.

Creating a space requires all of the logistical work: negotiating rentals, ticket management, marketing, purchasing equipment and decorations, renting a truck and moving all the stuff from storage, purchasing and preparing food, and setting up and decorating the space. It also requires managing the various crews, the all staff meeting and trainings. But that is really the easy and least time-consuming part.

Most of this work is about facilitating the community relationship. Whether it is nurturing relationships with community members or managing our leadership staff or responding to community issues both online and offline, most of my time is spent facilitating community in some way. The three of us have as many conversations about how to address various relationships as we do about the logistics of party planning.

We had no idea this is what our jobs or our lives would turn into. We went into this with some romantic notions about throwing sexy parties. Due to my involvement in the previous incarnation of local sex parties, I knew that we were working with some big energies and that people's lives can change when they experience the freedom and safety of a well-produced event. But I didn't know that every choice we make in relationship to other people would be so important to the success of our mission or how much personal evolution we would go through in the process of learning to make the right choices. I didn't know how we would be held accountable for every choice, whether through positive validation or through complaint. I didn't know that I would suddenly have to put everything I had learned by watching other leaders fail in managing people over the last 10 years into practice.

When we wrote our mission and vision statements, they were a lot of pretty words and theoretical concepts. We weren't really conscious yet of the personal and community work it would take to live up to them. As expressed in my previous post, creating safe emotional space for a truly inclusive sex-positive community requires a healthy standard for behavior and communication. It is a higher standard than I have ever been asked, or required, to live up to before.

I realize that as emotionally draining as it can be at times, this is a significant aspect of my bliss. Relationship and communication are my favorite ways to spend my time and energy. Opportunities for deeper understanding and intimacy bring me great joy. Opportunities to make healing choices in the face of heartache enlighten me. Yet I don't always get it right. I am introverted by nature. I am not so good at knowing how to start conversations with new guests or nurturing new relationships with those that I don't have an immediate chemistry with. I have exhausted days and am not as present to people as I desire to be or they need me to be. Occasionally I get upset and sometimes I am more transparent than I should be about my thoughts and feelings. Navigating healthy and inclusive relationship takes hard work, but it's work that fulfills my heart like nothing else does.

Freedom of Speech and Healthy Communication

We have had some intense discussions on our Yahoo group recently that have brought up some questions around freedom of verbal expression. I posted the following to the group today...

A member of the community asked: What sacrifices do we make to free speech in order to maintain decorum? Many would agree that some sacrifices to free speech are necessary, for example, prohibitions against hate speech. I've been in successful communities that have zero rules against speech, such communities tend to have very high amounts of individual expression but high barriers for inclusion and poor levels of group compassion (to be fair, such communities have been incidental, not intentional ones).

I am grateful you brought up this topic. I feel it's important to talk about communication in this community: particularly free speech vs. standards for healthy communication. I believe more is at stake than maintaining decorum.

Our belief is that we must hold ourselves to certain standards of behavior if we are to succeed in our mission, which is ultimately based on values of safety, inclusion, acceptance and compassion. At events, we have guidelines to facilitate physical and emotional safety. We attempt to create as free a space as possible – a space that feels more free to me than most any other public venue in Humboldt County – yet we still have rules in order to maintain a safe environment. I would advocate that having a standard for healthy communication in all Imps related environments – both online and offline – is just as necessary to facilitate emotional safety within the community.

A couple months ago I was accused of censorship as a group moderator because I requested that someone take care with expressing their opinion when they insulted another community member. Earlier this week I made the same choice, I requested that someone take care with not invalidating others’ experiences by speaking for an entire minority population or using degrading language. In both instances I spent hours agonizing about whether it was appropriate to speak up and how to do it in the kindest and least judgmental way possible (I am still not sure where I come out around being judgmental). I also sought agreement from other community members to be sure I wasn’t having an exclusive reaction. I have no interest in being perceived as the "list mother" who will give a stern talking to people who "misbehave." But more importantly, freedom of expression is vital to the Society's mission. We are passionate about holding a space where everyone not only feels free to express themselves, but also feels accepted and appreciated for their unique expression.

First I had to ask myself if I was really acting as a censor and I believe the answer is no. I did not remove anyone's words from the list. I did not tell anyone they could not participate in a conversation. I made no demands. I only asked as respectfully as I knew how that they take more care with their communication. I don't feel that is an unreasonable request based on our collective desire for inclusiveness and compassion. We can express our opinions and share our stories without insulting each other or using degrading language. We can express our understanding of words and concepts without telling other people they are wrong for understanding them differently.

I have been thinking a lot about healthy communication lately, particularly the idea of non-violent communication, not just within the Imps, but in my personal life.

“Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of relating to ourselves and others, moment to moment, free of past reactions. Nonviolent Communication helps us stay connected with what is alive in ourselves and others moment-to-moment, and enhances our ability to make life more wonderful for ourselves and others.”

I grew up with violence and I used to be a violent person when angry and afraid. I would yell and throw things. I could tear a person apart with my words. In the last couple years I have learned not to lose control in such dramatic ways. However, as I navigate the first healthy relationships of my life – not just with my life-partner, but with my business partners and my tribe – I am learning about the subtle violence that permeates my communication when I feel hurt, afraid or even exhausted. When I am triggered, I can be passive-aggressive, critical, blaming and withdraw from people. These could all be considered forms of violent communication.

"If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of “right” versus “wrong” — could indeed be called violent. Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence. Sadly, many of the world’s cultures teach these "violent" methods of communication as normal and useful, so many of us find our communication efforts painful and distressed, but we don't know why.”

I have been called out on my unhealthy communication by my life-partner, my business partners and my tribe-mates. I have never felt that they were attempting to censor my freedom of speech. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom-to-express- myself for my loved ones to request that I communicate with them in a non-violent way. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom of speech to process through my emotional reactions to people in the community who hurt my feelings or make me angry and wait until I can express my feelings and opinions with kindness, or at least without the subtle forms of violence mentioned above. I do not want my freedom to come at the cost of harming another person, or the community as a whole.

For the Society to succeed, most especially because we are revolutionizing sex and relationship in our culture, I believe we have to hold ourselves to a standard of healthy, non-violent behavior. I do not wish to censor anyone. However, I will speak up to enforce a standard for healthy communication in order to facilitate an emotionally safe environment in which people can be empowered to express themselves – their opinions and stories, their passions and desires, their kinks and quirks, their needs and boundaries, their love and fears. If this feels like a sacrifice of someone’s freedom of speech, I would ask them what exactly they feel is the sacrifice – their right to be violent and cause harm with their words? I would wonder if they feel it is a sacrifice that it is against the law to cause physical violence to another person? As my understanding of violence deepens, and my commitment to creating peace in our world increases, I no longer believe there is a difference between the two.

It is our intention to bring greater consciousness to the idea of non-violent communication within the community, possibly with workshops or group discussions. If there are members of the community who have experience with these ideas and practices, I would love to hear from you.

Baring It All

There are different kinds of nakedness. There is the nakedness of the body. It is incredibly vulnerable to bare one's body publicly, especially if you, like me, don't fit into our culture's idea of immaculate beauty. I am overweight. I have stretch marks and cellulite. My breasts droop. But through sex positive activities and an empowering community I have become comfortable being physically naked in front of others. I haven't only been naked, I have sucked cock, masturbated, fucked a dildo, orgasmed and had amazing, no inhibition sex with my Love in front of others. I have literally bared it all.

But there is another kind of nakedness that I have been encouraging - sometimes even demanding - mostly behind the scenes of the Imps community. It is emotional nakedness. It is speaking our feelings, particularly our shadowy feelings - fears and insecurities, grief and anger, shame and judgment. I believe that healthy community and communication requires an openness far beyond what is comfortable or "socially acceptable." I believe that the only way to avoid the drama that often tears communities apart is to put everything out on the table. And yet I am finding myself hiding away when my own darkness descends.

When I am surrounded by my shadows, as I have been lately, I tend to keep it hidden. When I am struggling to be an evolved and well behaved leader or mother, friend or lover, I hide away in my bedroom with my discomfort, my loneliness, my shame, my passive aggressive impulses, my anger and sadness.

Recently I came across this blog post and these words resonated with me so strongly that I realize that to be in integrity with what I ask of others, I have to bare it all, to expose my naked truths and shine the light in my darkness. It is part of the revolution to be real with each other.


I think that our feelings - of loneliness, confusion, pain, and isolation - are given the most power to create desperation if and when we bottle them up or try to bear them alone. What Ronna and Anne Lamott are expressing, even advocating, is the idea that being open and honest - not sugarcoating the hard stuff - is what makes it all bearable. It's what reminds us that we're not alone...that everyone has hurts and battles and scars that mirror our own - it's the universal human condition! And where we find release and relief from those hurts, those agonies, is in sharing them. I don't think it’s so much about issuing ear-shattering cries of desperation for their own sake. But when given an outlet, a voice, they are much more likely to live and die as struggles, perhaps even crises, rather than eating us alive from the inside out, harbored as smoldering secrets, individual shame, and singularly shouldered despair. (I would add resentment.)

I think we most often stay silent in our hurts and struggles and failures, because we are afraid that if we call them out into the world, that we will be shushed, shamed, or silenced. (Especially as women.) But I also think that the power that we (again, especially as women) possess is the tenderness and truthfulness that are necessary in order to carve out safe spaces in which unfiltered real life and gritty true stories can find expression. No matter how heartbreaking, life-altering, or power-structure-shaking they may be. It is precisely in the telling of our tales, the airing of our secrets, and the sharing of our former (or current) shame, that these shackles begin to loosen and relinquish their power over our lives. The hurt begins to dissipate, the wounds to heal, the shame to evaporate. And the Phoenix rises out of the ashes.

Because I believe that the more often we say these difficult things out loud - these big, scary words and world-shifting ideas that challenge the prevailing notion of what is socially acceptable to 'put out there' - the more likely we are to find truer paths to healing. To kindness and goodness. Toward community and compassion.

The safe spaces we create as a community are not just about safe exploration of sex or gender identity. We believe it is our honor and responsibility to hold space for everything that is not harmful in order to facilitate healing, individually and collectively. We hold space for the light and shadow in each other, staff and guest.

However, I haven't really trusted the community to hold my shadow. As hostesses, we feel that we need to be positive role models, and until now, have interpreted that to mean keeping our dark feelings to ourselves (or only sharing them with each other). But I am realizing that being a positive role model isn't about putting on a happy face all the time and stuffing the darkness until we are alone. It's about being real. It's about showing what it looks like to fail, take responsibility for our failure, and then make changes to ensure more success in the future. It's about admitting when we are exhausted and in pain, physically or emotionally, and asking for support when we need it.

There has been talk about me recently, and yet only one of those talking has been willing to come to me directly to express their concerns. Without knowing who has been talking, I am unable to offer apologies and find mutual understanding. So I've decided to address the issue here, not knowing if those who have been effected by my behavior will see it, but it's the only forum I have to give context and to express the changes we are implementing to help prevent my falling down in the future.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been snappy during breakdown of the last few events. My tone of voice has been less than kind and even made someone feel small. There is concern that if it were to worsen, some people may be unwilling to volunteer during breakdown - a time when we need our volunteers the most. It quite literally broke my heart to know there was any possibility I might drive someone away with my shadow behavior.

What I have learned through my attempt to understand why I become snappish is that not only am I exhausted and less capable of controlling my emotional responses, but I often feel my experience as a hostess is unseen and/or taken for granted during breakdown specifically.

My experience (not my excuse) is that by the time breakdown comes I am extremely tired and my body is aching. Not only have I have been on my feet for one, two or three days with little to no rest or sleep, but I have usually been at work for the Imps the weeknights leading up to the event, after working full days at my regular job.

During breakdown I am trying to pull together items that I take home rather than go to storage. I am often having to quickly prevent people from packing up what I need. I also have to prevent them from being careless with our art. We have lost a lot of art due to people pulling it down and tossing it together without removing the adhesives on the back. The art is created with a lot of heart, time and energy by community members. Having to throw it away because it's been irreparably damaged due to carelessness makes me sad.

And then there is the experience of continuing to work until the last item is in the truck while volunteers stand around and socialize. I cannot stop or go home until it is all done. I recognize it is a responsibility that comes with the position I have chosen. While I do not begrudge any volunteer the decision to be done and go home on their own terms, I do have difficulty with them standing around and watching me continue to work while they talk and play. I have difficulty with having to work around them and their stuff, and taking longer to get out the door because they have be herded. And honestly, it frustrates me that my friends will sit around and watch me keep working, seemingly unaware or uncaring of how hard it can be for me to keep going.

What we have learned from this experience is that we need to bring more intent and care to the breakdown process. We are going to begin breakdown with a huddle - to encourage each other joyfully, to check in about each others' limitations, and to address logistical issues so that we are not operating chaotically or carelessly. We are also going to tell people that if they are not working, they need to leave the building.

While it was painful to be told where I have failed to be a good hostess and leader, I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and implement the changes that need to take place to make breakdown a better experience, not just for me but for everyone. I am also grateful for the opportunity to look at where I need to ask for support and to be aware of how others may need support. There is so much work that we do behind the scenes. Most people only see the end product. As we expand the circle of leadership in the coming months, we need to be witness to each others' unseen work. We need to be careful not to take each other for granted or make assumptions about why we make the choices we do or behave the ways we do. We need to try to approach one another with compassion when something feels uncomfortable and remember that there is always a reason for someone's actions (or tone of voice). By baring it all, even our discomfort and frustration with each other, we will continue to grow the love in our relationships.

Namaste and thank you for listening.

This is a Revolution

Saturday Night was our Valentine's Party. Soon after the party started, I was approached by a gentleman who was positively glowing with joy. He was seeking out the Hostesses to express a word of gratitude. He told me that when he read our mission statement on our website for the first time, he cried. He told me, with a smile on his lips and tears in his eyes, that he had been seeking a community like ours for 40 years! He thanked me for the work I do to facilitate these amazing experiences we create together. And on his behalf, I want to thank everyone who participates in creating this magical and loving community with us.

Someone posted the following about the party in our Yahoo group yesterday: "I had an absolutely delightful time watching, dancing, playing, being in proximity to a wide range of people with diverse experiences and tastes. Yet, somehow, we all manage to come together, creating a space where all of us fit. I believe this is a paradigm lesson the world could stand to learn. I truly see us as becoming the change we'd like to see in the world. I'm honored to be a
part of this critically necessary change."

I am honored to be a part of this change as well. With each heart to which we bring healing and transformation, we grow this revolution of love. With each person that finds a sense of home in our collective arms, we shift the world toward a brighter future. We are learning together how to experience a new depth of acceptance and love for who we are with our quirks and our kinks, our light and our shadow, everything that makes us unique and everything connects us in the human experience. We are rewriting our life stories, shifting from stories of dysfunction, rejection, and isolation to stories of healthy relationship, acceptance and connectedness. We are actively creating more stories of joy. And we are learning just how incredibly sexy each of us really is!

I have been in service to world-changing my entire adult life. I have done traditional service, mostly with women and children, from creating a home for teen mothers to directing a welfare-to-work job training center. While I felt the reward of touching individual lives in profound ways, I also felt that something was missing, that I wasn't really impacting cultural change. I knew revolution was possible, but I didn't know how to be a part of it. Then two years ago I was called to this service - facilitating sex positive community. I didn't know this is what I wanted to do. It isn't traditional, it's taboo and risky. It is surrounded on all sides by judgment, ignorance and intolerance. But it is so incredibly rich in opportunities for healing, and personal and cultural change. I had no idea how working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy leadership, something I've been looking for in traditional nonprofit organizations for years. I had no idea that working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy communication within all of my relationships and revolutionize my own life.

For those of us who are going deeper than the sex, into intimate connections with friends and lovers, tribe and community, we are revolutionizing relationship. Each of us that takes what we learn and experience with each other into our families, into our workplaces and into our other social groups, is affecting positive change in ways we cannot even imagine. I am learning that for every word of gratitude and validation that I receive from a life I have touched, there are many more lives I have impacted that are unseen and unknown to me. The same is true for each and every of you.

This is a revolution of love. I am thrilled to discover where we go from here as we deepen our connection and deepen our evolution.

Sculpted in Flesh and Breath

Our Vibes Lead, Jason, wrote this delicious morsel today about his anticipation of this weekend's event, The Fire Down Below. I just had to share.

"Tick tock says the clock as the latest sexual offering of our cherished kinky Society draws closer to reality. It takes the event drawing within a few days before the first shiny edge of excitement slips under the door of my mundane life and starts going through my closet. "What to wear? What to wear?," and that is how it begins for me… That is when it becomes real. I want to represent the theme of fire. I want to feel sexy. I want to be wanted. Not simple tasks to accomplish.

But then I think of the party itself – when the sexually saturated mixes with nervousness and naïveté - experience and ignorance eyeballing from across the room - some coveting what the other possesses – the loving friends and new acquaintances – the thrill of the negotiation – the joy of the dungeon screams (godiloveyouimps). Yummy yum yum.

And so as the excitement swells, so do I.

I remember all the earlier parties – the bacchanalias – the musk in the air – the reaching hands and clasping fingers – unbidden guttural moans - sudden intakes of breath – eyes full, an Epicurean feast of the senses. I think about all the observation and absorption – the single tails, clothespins and the tiny rippling sound of buckling chrome on leather. The pheromones. The willing mouths and supple flesh escaping into a world made full by gyrating limbs, lustful desires, swelled pants and unleashed pudendum. The facefucks and fistings which follow and the beautiful satisfied smiles of a well nested recovery. I anticipate the displays of dance, song and kink - carrots, prancing ponies and delicious on-stage crudités. I recall the scenes rich with inundating, invading and undulating limbs, the taste of spit, sweat and chemicals, the smell of leather meeting latex. I look forward to seeing you all under the spell of extrasensory passion, projection and voyeuristic pride. I look forward to meeting within the chambers decorated and prepared solely to host the celebration of fuck – where underwear meets underground – watching fantasies realized, sculpted in flesh and breath and the sharing of one’s most secret hopes and desires with hundreds. Rise up children of HEdon and SHEdon – invite Dionysius as your wingman and together we will reclaim the sacred fuck."

Where I Fall Short

I have been thinking about the community a lot the last couple of days. There has been a discussion at the Imps Yahoo Group about social status, cliques, and potentials of real or perceived inclusion and exclusion in the community. I have found myself feeling defensive when faced with the idea that anyone may feel excluded from our community or think that we are an exclusive club. I realize my defensiveness is based in sadness - heartbreak that there are people in our community experiencing isolation and loneliness, feelings that they don’t belong and that somehow they aren’t “enough” of one thing or too much of another to be included. I know those feelings too well, which is why I try so incredibly hard to create an atmosphere of acceptance while holding ourselves to standards of healthy interaction (we love you, we want to know you, but we do ask that you at least try to interact with us in a healthy, uplifting way; we'll help you back up when you fall down and hope you'll do the same for us).

We make big effort towards letting people know that our mission is to accept, embrace, and hold space for anyone and everyone who seeks a safe space for their healthy creative and sexual expression. We train our staff in inclusivity. We make decisions all the time that are based on principles of inclusivity rather than our own feelings about individuals and we ask others to do the same. It’s not easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding to watch people who are visibly struggling with insecurity and unconscious/unhealthy social behaviors integrate into the community because we seek out their light, we practice forgiveness, we are willing to risk awkwardness, and we are learning open and healthy communication together.

But the reality is that I can recognize all this and also recognize my own falling short of being an example of the openness I desire the community to practice. The thread about ageism and single older men being perceived as creeps makes me aware that I suffer from judgments about people that keep me from interacting with them. I also struggle with typical insecurities that I will not be liked or that no one is interested in what I have to say. And I struggle with light-hearted social interactions. What we call “small-talk” is an ability that I do not naturally possess in most situations. I am wired to talk about how I feel rather than what I think or what I do, which is usually a more honest and complicated conversation than most people want to have at a social event. So I struggle both with not knowing what to say to people when I have a chance to interact, and fearing that if I talk about what comes into my mind (heart) that they won’t want to interact with me. In most opportunities I have to start or continue a conversation, I choose to just stay quiet.

As I wonder about what contributes to a person’s perception that there is an exclusive clique(s) in the Imps community, I wonder what people perceive in me and my quiet. I know in high school, when I was painfully shy, some people thought I was snobby because I didn’t interact and that maybe I thought I was better than other people. Does my quiet make people think I’m not interested in them or think that I am better than them? Is this compounded by being at the center of the community as a Hostess? Any position of leadership is accompanied by some negative perceptions, whether deserved or not. I had a staff member tell me a few months ago that people are intimidated by us because of our position. I can’t comprehend being perceived as intimidating when I’m sitting here so damn afraid that you won’t like me, and yet I fear my quiet is much of what may make me intimidating.

I’ve realized that if I don’t give people a story, a context for my behavior, then they are going to make up their own story about me and what my actions mean. So here I am, telling you my story...that I am experiencing the same things that many of you are when you come to our events. I’m scared and I don’t really know how to be myself around you. I am fighting “to be nobody but myself.” I am learning how to express myself, what matters to me. Despite the quiet you see, what matters to me most is connecting with YOU. You have no idea how much I love you, how much I think about you, how much I want to witness the stories of your unfolding. My desire is to break free from the fear of being myself with you and in doing so, to help you break free from your fear, too. My desire is to create a space, a community, where everyone can absolutely be accepted for who they are from the moment they walk in the door. Is that an unrealistic Utopian dream? Maybe, but does that make it any less worth striving for?

“Wanting and desire are potent, and they lie latent, dormant, silenced for so long – sometimes our entire life. Other voices (religion, family of origin, partners, work, culture) tell us in no uncertain terms that to want or desire, is selfish, dangerous, and a huge set-up for disappointment. Those voices are lying. They are the voices that keep us from being ourselves; that keep us from being “nobody but myself.”

Acknowledging that we have desire(s) – that we want, is what awakens everything that makes us who we truly are, “nobody but myself.” It’s the best weapon in e. e. cumming’s fight and mine. I’m betting yours, as well...Have faith that what you want and desire is inspired, beautiful, powerful, and worthy. Have faith that your truest voice, your inside voice, is the one that the rest of us most need to hear.” Ronna Detrik

Poverty & Abundance

We had a post to the Imps email list this last week from someone expressing fear of exclusion based on their inability to pay for our workshops, implying that workshops should be offered for free. There were several responses about the rewards of volunteering (besides free entrance to events in exchange), what it costs to produce workshops, and how no one in our organization is making a dime off what we do. But I was feeling that there was something deeper that needed to be addressed and wrote the following:

I feel that we have hit upon a deep and emotionally charged issue for most of us in this discussion about poverty and abundance and that we need to approach this subject with as much compassion and lack of judgment as we can muster as a community. Having come from both severe physical and emotional poverty, and lifted myself out of it, I believe I have something of value to share on both sides of the issue.

Transcending poverty takes a lot of work, and not just the kind where you go out and earn a paycheck. When you have only known poverty and have no role models for abundant consciousness, it is not just a matter of trying to get a decent job (which can be a struggle no matter how educated or experienced you are in Humboldt County—I have been laid off from three of the five organizations I’ve worked for the last 10 years and am worth far more than I am paid right now) or having a positive attitude of gratitude (although it is vital to changing our experience). I know that the person who started this discussion is a parent. An attitude of gratitude does not fill your children’s empty bellies nor make you feel any sense of security in meeting their needs. Not only are you struggling with money, you are struggling with your own doubts that you are being a good parent. I have been working on my own self development for 15 years and I have a very positive and grateful attitude about life. I believe the Universe is on my side. But when those days come that circumstances lead to being uncertain that I can pay a bill or buy healthy food for my kids, I struggle with the same fear and sadness that I heard in the original poster’s email. I wonder if and when the day will come that I am doing more than just surviving, especially with all of the work I have been doing to change my experience.

And I remember how it felt when I wanted desperately to improve myself as a person, to transcend these very issues we are discussing, and couldn’t afford to attend workshops to do that personal work with others, nor were there volunteer or scholarship options available. I didn’t feel the community support we have here, I felt excluded and alone, and I believe that is the experience many people know. Few organizations are run on service alone like ours is, without someone getting paid. The kind of community service, support and connection we offer is new to many people and they may not know how to access it, or even believe such loving abundance is possible for them. I feel it is important to remember this when someone reaches out in their fear of exclusion and not-enoughness. We need to remember that these expressions that come across as angry and accusing are actually based in fear of some kind and approach that fear with loving-kindness the same way we would at an event when someone acts fearfully.

Just as it takes a lot of internal work, patience for ourselves, and compassion/support from others to overcome the social conditioning we have about sex and love, it takes the same to overcome the social conditioning we have about money and abundance. It doesn’t just happen over night or the first time someone tells us it can be different. As the Ethical Slut discusses around the subject of polyamory, many of us were raised in and live in starvation economies. We are taught that there is not enough…not enough love, not enough money. We live in a competition culture that tells us a few of us are winners and the rest of us are losers. We are taught that abundance equals lots of money, not that we can experience abundance through community support. We can’t really know any different until we experience something different. I am experiencing true emotional abundance for the first time in my life through this community and even after a year of consistent love and support, I still have my struggles some days where I feel like a loser. I question my lovability, whether the people in my tribe really see me and want me around. My fear still overcomes the love for a little while. Gratefully I always come back to the love and my foundation grows a little stronger every day. But it may be years before I fully overcome the emotional poverty I was raised in and recreated for myself for years before I learned how to experience abundance.

It takes time and serious effort to rewrite our personal stories, to change a poverty story to an abundance story, or an excluded story to an included story, or an unlovable story to a lovable story. What we can do as a community is lovingly remind each other when we stumble that there is another story that we can be telling ourselves. While we must each take responsibility for our own experience, we have the potential of getting further/quicker along in our evolution if we experience love and empowerment from those around us, especially when we are caught up in our fear.

I do want to let the community know that we are very invested in inclusivity and that we wish for people to reach out to us when they are having an exclusion experience so that we can work to help you overcome it. I know that the current volunteer model may not appear to be a viable option for people who can’t afford our events—parents may not have the funds to pay a babysitter for the set up or break down requirement on top of the event itself or a disabled person may not believe they have something to offer due to their limitations. I would hope that those who are having these kinds of experiences would reach out to us to see what other arrangements might be made. For example, perhaps you have a sewing machine at home and could make pillow cases for us without having to pay a babysitter to be out of the house. Or perhaps a parent could commit to arranging a child-care trade co-op for the group. Maybe you have physical limitations but have things you could do on the computer. Please give us a chance to include you no matter what you perceive your limitations to be. The love and desire to have you participate is here, you just have to believe it is so.

Oh, and I hope that scholarhips become an option in the future. This could happen in a few different ways. More abundant members of our community could sponsor a scholarship for someone else. We may find business sponsorship that will provide some scholarship options. Or we may achieve enough financial support from the community as a whole to have the abundance for scholarships. Or all of the above. We will have to explore it, but I want you to know that we are thinking about it.

Our First Event and Conscious Intention

This is a post I wrote on May 14, 2008 about the Society's first event, Cherries Jubilee, and the conscious intention that we strive to bring to everything we do as an organization. I promise not all my posts will be this lengthy. :)

The Impropriety Society's Cherries Jubilee event was a smashing success! It was visually stunning, the performances were hot, everyone I spoke to was immensely joyful, there was tons of play taking place, and we even broke even financially. There were also dreams that came true for both staff and guests, and many happy first experiences for people craving a safe place to express themselves. We had guests from the Bay area, which is six hours away, because the community building we did before the event really impressed people and the word spread.

What we do is pretty unique and I strongly believe it is because we put conscious intention into both the physical and emotional space that we create. At the end of this blog post I share the intention statements with which we begin each meeting and the event itself, as well as the sharing I gave at our staff meeting that explains why I am so deeply invested in what we do (during which we had an earthquake that originated from a place nearby where one has never happened before, which felt pretty frickin' metaphorically serendipitous and magical!).

For me personally the event was amazing and a reward for a lot of work and hard won growth. As a leader, a role I am only beginning to become comfortable in, I was full of pride for my staff that went above and beyond to connect with guests and create a vibe that had everyone expressing gratitude for the beauty of it. All night long I heard how comfortable people felt, how friendly the staff was, and how beautiful the space was (we decorated simple and classy with luscious fabrics, flowering tree branches, lights and art).

I feel extreme gratitude for my two partners because we were well balanced in the talents and skills we brought to the partnership, we shared responsibility easily and we were very decisive and productive when we met. Everything went smoothly, which speaks to the level of our preparation. I also feel incredibly blessed to get to spend so much time and create with these two beautiful, strong, smart, generous women who share my passion for changing the world by supporting healthy and positive sexuality.

I was more socially comfortable than I have ever been in my life...talking to lots of people (never, ever standing on the wall as an observer, which is a first for me), giving hugs and kisses and cuddles, and even playing spin the bottle with the addition of some dice that made things far racier than mere kissing. Surrounded by so much love, especially my close friends and lovers on staff, I felt confident, sexy, and strong. I felt desired and loved. I felt seen and appreciated for the bigness of who I am. I felt like I was truly a part of a community, a tribe, a family. It was/is so very, very good. I wish everyone in the world had this experience of belongingness. I truly do. I hope we provide for as many people as we are capable.

Impropriety Society Intention Statements

As a staff, we set the conscious intention to act as a community, to encourage and support every staff member, whether we've been friends for years or we've met for the first time through this event. We set the intention for inclusiveness; respecting and celebrating the diversity of every member and the roles they fill.

We intend to respect each other's expertise and the gifts each person has to offer. We intend to check our egos at the door and bring a spirit of love into the space. We intend to work through and rise above personal agendas or difficult issues in order to work as a team. For our community, we set the intention of creating and holding sacred space for safe play, passionate pleasure, and open and free sexual and creative expression. We honor the authenticity of those who enter the space, without judgment, as long as they do not cause harm to another. We recognize that we are honored and privileged to provide our community with a safe container in which to experiment and courageously face their insecurities and fears. And we consciously accept the responsibility of the trust we are given to provide that physical and emotional safety.

What I shared at the staff meeting...

I know it's pretty geeky to actually have a little speech written but I'm very nervous about talking to the group and want to make sure I communicate what's on my heart. For those of you in the room who are new and might be feeling some insecurities about being surrounded by such amazing people, as I once did, know that some of us old timers are just as insecure in our new roles in organizing this group. All of us are risking some sense of vulnerability by being here and it makes me feel better to acknowledge that out loud.

I just want to speak a moment to the reason why I've committed to serving this community and the bigger picture of what we do. I don't know if you've all read the about us page at our website, but I want to emphasize an aspect of it.

We say that "Sex is so potent, powerful, and special that we feel it should be acknowledged and celebrated as an enormous force capable of creating good in the world (earthquake!). The Impropriety Society is committed to nurturing sacred space for sexual expression in all of its glorious manifestations. Things deemed sacred are regarded with reverence and generally thought of as good; however, many people have ideas about sex that set it apart from the sacred, and view it as dirty, bad, sick, nasty, and evil. Our goal is to remove the negative stigma around sex. Through active, conscious creation, we aim to create space in which sex in its many forms can come out of the dark taboo of profanity and into the light of the sacred through dance, music, performance, play, kink, f*ck, and love."

Although it seems like what we provide is a really great and sexy party, it is so much more than that for many who participate. We are providing a community service, albeit an unusual one. We provide the safe physical and emotional space for people to express their deepest, most authentic selves. We provide encouragement for people to explore parts of themselves, sexually and creatively, that they may have repressed in fear and insecurity for most, if not all, of their lives.

We offer the opportunity for people to make connections with other people who are turned on by the same things that they are. We are inviting people out of isolation and fear, into love and acceptance. We are inviting them to share themselves with us and each other. Invitation, acceptance, openness....these are all ideas to hold in your mind when you watch and interact with people.

Whatever your role, from dj to dungeon monitor, and whatever your reasons for working with us, your conscious participation in establishing a nurturing, pleasurable space is essential to our overall success. We have the opportunity through this event to contribute to the positive evolution of both individuals and our community as a whole.

I came across this quote recently...

"When an old culture is dying, the new is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure." Rudolf Bahro

Where do our deepest insecurities lie? In intimate relationship, in truly connecting with other human beings. We are afraid we will be seen to be lacking or unlovable in some way; we are afraid no one wants to love the real, authentic us...that we are too weird, too edgy, too perverted to be worthy of love and attention. But there are 50 of us in this room willing to be insecure about our bodies or our ways of having sex or watching other people have sex our even ways of contributing the event. We are living on the edge of our fear, creating new culture based on creativity, positive sexuality and healthy loving.

This event is an opportunity for other people to face their fears, to allow themselves to risk--but not too much--because they know that we have their back. They are safe. And then they realize that we are actually excited to see them come out of their shells, that we actually want to share this experience with them and they become part of our community, growing this new culture we're building.

Thank you for indulging my need to address this particular aspect of what we do. I know everyone here has a different reason for being here. Some are similar to mine, some are very different. I respect them all. I just ask that you use that reason, whatever it is that turns you on and makes you happy, as fuel for the conscious thought and emotion you put into your contribution to the event.

Namaste and thank you for reading.