What It Means to Be Sex Positive

As I was pulling educational materials together for the Carnal-Val event last month, I pulled together definitions of what it means to be sex positive.

This is one of the most comprehensive definitions I've found as stated by the Executive Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle...

Sex-positive is a cultural philosophy that understands sexuality as a positive force in personal development and society. To be sex-positive is to believe that…

Consensual sexual expression is a basic human right regardless of the form that expression takes.

People have the right to accurate and straightforward sexual health information.

It is not appropriate to judge others consensual choices regarding how to have sex, who to have sex with, and how one defines their sexual orientation and identity.

It is equally important to focus on the positive aspects of sexuality, like sexual pleasure, and not just disease prevention, prevention of sexual assault and unwanted pregnancy.

Sexuality is largely socially constructed, and there are few if any essential truths about sex.

As I reflected on this definition, I realized that I have not been practicing sex positivity with myself.

Because I am very literally surrounded by people who explore and encourage casual sex and relationship in various ways, whether they are couples or single, I have assumed that sex positive means being open to casual interaction. I have felt pressure as a sex positive leader to explore sexual openness through ethical sluttiness, especially within the poly relationship that I attempted with Knight.

The truth is that I have lacked a sex positive attitude towards my own natural sexual tendencies because they are very different than most of the people I know. I have doubted myself and tried to tell different stories about who I am in order to fit into other people's ideas of open sexuality. While open-minded exploration of my own edges in order to determine who I am and what I desire is a positive thing, doubting/distrusting myself is not.

Over the summer I explored the possibility of being an ethical slut and pursuing casual sexual and power exchange encounters. While I had conversations with several people, I only had one casual encounter, which was fun but less than fulfilling. In my explorations I discovered that I have no desire to connect with someone sexually if I do not connect with them intellectually and emotionally. I don't experience excitement from encounters with (near) strangers like many of my friends. I don't experience excitement from sexual chemistry alone.

I experience excitement in connecting with people at multiple levels, at having my mind, heart and body stimulated simultaneously. Being sex positive is accepting that that it is all right to only desire deeper connection with my sexual partners.

While I am a lusty woman who can get down and dirty in all kinds of ways, the truth is that sex is a sacred act in my life. I am learning to accept that the fullest expression of my sexuality is intellectual, emotional, spiritual and physical. Anything less is not in integrity with who I am or what I desire.

Wait...Slut? What?

If you have been a regular follower of my blog, which has been mostly dormant the last month, then you're probably wondering where the heck the last post about exploring my inner slut came from.

As I work to make my peace with Knight's desire for sexual explorations that don't involve me, I've been noticing my responses to his desires. I've been noticing my judgments about sexual exploration without established relationship, whether with strangers or acquaintances. I've been noticing a belief that anything "less" than what we have in love and chemistry isn't worth exploring. I am realizing that I have tangled up sex and love more deeply than ever before in my life.

I know that when I have a judgment, I need to be looking inside for what I may be rejecting in myself.

I used to be an ethical slut. I've had over 60 lovers in my life. It wasn't all healthy, I admit to significant self-esteem issues, but it wasn't all dysfunctional either. I started exploring poly in my mid 20's. Before meeting my ex-husband, I successfully navigated poly relationships as a non-partnered person. I had a lot of sex and a variety of connections, from fuck buddy to long-term love. I had amazing one night stands and repeated weekend dalliances where there was more sexual magic than I've had with most of my long-term lovers. I know through experience that there are many healthy and wonderful ways to sexually connect with other people that might last a couple hours or years and never lead to a partner relationship. I am so grateful to have known those people and shared the incredible experiences.

So where has all this judgment come from? When did I start believing that having a deep love makes all other connections somehow less meaningful or worthwhile?

I have also had incredible desire to open myself to more sensual and sexual expression within the Imps community. I have dear friends with whom I would love to share sexual and power exchange experiences. I have felt attraction for people at parties that I have been too shy to approach. In truth, I have been desiring all of the same things that Knight is desiring -- the freedom to explore sexual attraction, the excitement of experiencing new things with new people, and the intimacy of allowing friendship to include erotic interaction. But I've been telling myself a lot of stories about why I can't have those things.

I think I am holding all potential relationships to the standard of mine and Knight's in self protection. I think that there may be a self-esteem issue at play here, in reverse of what it used to be. In the darkest days of my youth, I used to seek sex with just about anyone who would look my way in a desperate grab for the validation, as well as physical touch and affection. But I am not desperate for those things now. While I still have self-love issues to work through (and really, who doesn't?), I have lots of love, affection and fabulous sex in my life. The desires I have now are just that, authentic desires sourced in my intense sexuality.

I am a highly sexual woman and I always have been. But I've kept it mostly to myself. I've shown it to some people, people I feel safe and comfortable with, and Knight in particular knows that part of me more intimately than anyone. I believe I've been experiencing a new level of sexual awakening with the Imps and Knight as I express and explore my true desires (rather than being satisfied with what my partner offers). But I am really struggling to accept my desires. I am especially struggling to believe that anyone else would want to make them come true.

What Knight has noticed in me is a belief that I am not desired by others. A belief that he's the only one who wants me (hence my clinging to him so tightly!). He's pointed out how I dismiss every possible sign that someone may be interested in me. He talked to me the other day about my having sexual prowess and incredible erotic power and I found myself cringing inside at the idea. I would never consider myself as someone who has sexual prowess. I have never thought of myself as seductive or having erotic power of any kind. In fact, my greatest insecurity as an Imps hostess is that I am not the sex goddess that people would expect an erotic hostess to be.

But I think the truth may be that I am. I love, adore, and cherish sex and sexual expression of all kinds. I love to read erotica. I love erotic art. I love a great sex scene in a movie. I love to throw sex parties! I love to witness other people's sexual expression. And when I allow myself to fully express my sexuality, it touches people deeply. I open myself deeply. I am known for going deep as a submissive and masochist. I am cherished for the fullness of presence that I give and my willingness to truly surrender. Just as I express intensity of feeling in other areas of my life, I bring a rich emotional experience to sex, whether the scene is based in love or primal lust. It is never just physical with me. If you consider the vulnerability with which I write about my personal evolution here, then you might imagine the vulnerability I bring into sexual experiences.

I need to recognize that I am an incredibly sexy woman because I love expressing my sexuality. I've known this about others. Sexy isn't about looks or age or other surface factors. Sexy is about one's open expression of their sexuality. We love people who are bold and vulnerable about being their authentic sexy selves (which is why our performers are so adored!). Doesn't that apply to me (and you), too?

This, and more, is what led to putting myself out into the dating world through an online dating service a couple weeks ago, and now a Craigslist ad. A few weeks ago, in what I determined to be a healthy choice to expand my relationship world, I signed up for a dating site. It was more of an invitation to the Universe to bring new connections into my life than an actual hope that something would come of it. But some good things have unfolded because I am following my impulses. As I've met a few men and really considered what I'm interested in experiencing, I've come to realize that I desire to fulfill some specific fantasies involving sexual domination and humiliation. I've been fantasizing almost exclusively about sexual domination for the past several months. My explorations in D/s with Knight have been few and far between due to our rocky relationship status. I am hungry for more. So I wrote the CL ad.

Every man I've met so far has desired me. I have made my choices of whether to pursue the potential from an empowered place. This is so very new and wonderful.

I am finally accepting the sexual and sexy woman that I am. I am letting my inner slut out to play. I am expressing the sex goddess within me. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

First Video Interview

Dave over at Manifest Positivityrecorded a video interview with one of my business partners and myself while we were at HSU's Sexland Sexpo last Saturday.

"The Doors We Open and Close Each Day...

decide the lives we live." Flora Whittemore

There are big things taking place behind the scenes of the Impropriety Society.

Next Wednesday we will be meeting with some of our staff to discuss our vision for the Impresarios, a leadership circle that will support the hostesses in managing and growing the organization. Our hope is that it will be comprised of event crew heads (Security, Vibes, Dungeon, Hospitality, Music, Dirty Cleaners and Performances) and six new coordinator positions (Marketing, Community Outreach & Public Relations, Fundraising/Friendraising, Equipment, Workshops, and Business Assistant). It may also include Advisory positions for community members who have significant expertise or resources to offer but can't commit to one of the other positions. The group will meet monthly, as well as communicate through an email list, to discuss the direction of the organization and significant community issues, as well as to consciously nurture healthy leadership practices.

I am excited. I love collaboration. I see this as an opportunity to build the organization, deepen relationships, share the responsibilities and rewards of leadership, and evolve into a stronger leader.

I am also excited and a bit nervous about the new responsibilities I am taking on as lead hostess for business development, marketing, community outreach and public relations.

I am looking forward to learning about business development -- establishing ourselves as a legal business, writing a business plan, and discovering viable options that will lead to profitability. We dream of a community center that will operate as the hub for the sex-positive community in Humboldt. It could serve as a space for all kinds of events, meetings, support groups, workshops, private gatherings, etc. It could be a part or full time center for people to come for resources and talk about sex and relationship. It could showcase sex positive artists. We've had many ideas for a potential store - promotional items, t-shirts, etc. The ideas are endless and the more we can offer, the more likely we can support paid staff.

As to my other new responsibilities, I have always shied away from anything marketing related. I have resistance to much of the manipulative psychology around sales. I have also shied away from building professional relationships. I don't consider myself good at networking because I am terrible at talking about myself or "selling" what I am involved with in an assertive way. I can be plenty assertive about healthy leadership and relationship practices or aesthetics or other aspects of our operations, but direct representation of myself or the organization has been a significant struggle. I am ready to meet this challenge and transform my stories of limitation. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the organization, to grow my wings and discover my true capabilities.

Whatever unfolds in this next chapter of the Imps story, I am so incredibly grateful for my business partners/best friends. I am grateful for Wednesday night meetings and conversations. I am grateful for our openness and healthy communication. I am grateful I opened the door to the Impropriety Society when they asked for help two years ago. And I am grateful for the opportunity to open the doors to new possibilities for evolution no matter where they lead.

Raising Sex Positive Kids

Someone wrote to the Imps Yahoo list recently asking for advice about talking to his 8 year old son about his cross-dressing. This is my slightly edited response...

I don't think there is anything more important than raising our children to be happy, healthy and whole human beings. It's the most significant way we can make the world a better place. It's a big part of why I do what I do as an Impress and feel so passionately about the big psychological issues around sex and relationship. Since we come from a powerfully strong history of family dysfunction and identity/sexual repression in this country, it takes a whole lot of consciousness to counteract our own and our culture's conditioning to find health and happiness.

I have raised two children, one of whom is a well-adjusted second year college student, and the other a fresh(wo)man in high school who has no apparent angst about her life with me (although there is plenty of sarcasm). I can speak from the experience of making choices that have resulted in happy, healthy kids/adults (others on this list can back me up on this claim).

My philosophy is that we teach our children what is appropriate, healthy and "normal." The majority of children raised in a queer home will believe being queer is as normal as being straight (and the minority who don't likely have someone close to them, homophobic and/or religious family members who don't agree with the lifestyle, giving them contradictory points of view in a shaming sort of way). The same applies to any other lifestyle, including cross-dressing. There are opposing cultural influences to battle, but I have found that speaking about these things consciously at as early an age as possible--not just living my life openly, but actually talking to my kids about it all, including what what is right and wrong with what they see in the media and the world at large--resulted in them being authentic to themselves and accepting of all kinds of people.

My strongest argument for being open about who you are with your children is that you don't know if your children are queer, gender-queer, or any other identification for that matter. If you choose fear and repress your authenticity with them, you are teaching them to live fearfully and repress who they are (which doesn't just apply to alternative lifestyles, but to staying in unhappy/unhealthy marriages or careers or whatever). Our children learn far more from our example than our words. Isn't that exactly what we are trying to change? Haven't we had enough oppression/repression and fear? Do we want our kids to live in fear and have to struggle to be honored for who they are like we have/are? Or do we want them to live in joy and openness?

I have known I am queer, kinky and poly since my oldest was 5 years old. I have always had queer, gender-queer, cross-dressing, trans, poly and kinky friends. I have chosen openness, within age appropriate boundaries, with my kids, and now the only people they think of negatively or as "abnormal" are bigots and haters, like the opponents of gay marriage.

Turns out both my kids are queer. My son came out to my family when he was 11. My daughter came out this last year. Would they be so comfortable with their queer-ness at an early age if they were not raised in a home where authenticity is both expressed and encouraged, and the queer lifestyle is both acknowledged and considered normal?

I also believe that even if a parent isn't queer or alternatively identified in any way, exposing their children to age appropriate expressions of alternative lifestyles is appropriate both to teach acceptance of all people, and so that kids won't feel bizarre and wrong if they find these tendencies within themselves. It's no different than schools teaching about different cultures to nurture acceptance. There are Pride festivals, and age appropriate movies, television shows, books, etc. that have queer and gender-queer characters if you seek them out.

I have made the choices I have because I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home where most of who I am is/was rejected by my parents and it caused a lot of wounding in me that has taken years to overcome. Even now the beautiful work I do as an Impress is ignored by my family, which I believe is community-healing, changing-the-world-for-the-better kind of work that a family should be proud of. I am proud to tell my children about it, and have been open with them since I started volunteering for Club Risque 8 years ago, even though I don't share the details. I told them I volunteered for sex parties and I told them why as soon as they were old enough to understand.

I am as open about being sex-positive as I am about everything else. In fact, I choose to be more open with my kids about sex-positive points of view than most parents. The reality is that we have a culture that is sexually dysfunctional and I have to work damn hard to counteract all the bullshit that is out there. We worry about what we expose our children to at home, but what are they exposed to out in the world, at school, in the media, everywhere they look and listen when they aren't in our presence? How do we counteract the bullshit without intentionally exposing our kids to positive, healthy views about sex, alternative lifestyles, kink, etc.? Do we want our culture to decide what our kids believe, especially about us and our alternative choices? I would guess not if we're already conscious enough to seek out and participate in a sex-positive community like the Imps. If we hide who we are now, what are we going to tell them when they are teens/adults? How are we going to feel if they reject us and others because we let our culture brainwash them that we are wrong for our lifestyle choices?

I know the desire to keep our kids safe in a bubble, to protect their innocence. But really, that innocence is mostly, if not entirely, an illusion once they start school. Other children are telling them stuff about sex and other topics. Kids who come from dysfunctional homes are bringing their dysfunctional ideas and behaviors into the classroom, whether bullying, or sexual harrassment, or whatever. Heck, even most so-called children's programming in tv and film is actually filled with violence. Most cartoons involve fighting and violence of some kind. Why do we accept violence everywhere but are so frickin' squeamish about sharing healthy ideas about sex and relationship? It doesn't make any sense to me. We should be paying more attention to what messages our children are receiving, counteract those we know to be unhealthy and encourage healthy perspectives any way we can.

I could say so much more about this. I could likely write a book about it. But I think you get the jist and if I've planted a seed for other parents, or some-day parents, or grandparents, or anyone who has a relationship with a child, then I'm a happy Impress.

Happiness Exists in Action

"When we give the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us. Happiness exists in action, it exists in telling the truth - telling what your truth is; and giving away what you want the most." Eve Ensler

I've been contemplating keeping a public journal of my life as an Impress for awhile now and it seems today is the day it is meant to begin. What is an Impress you may wonder? It's a loving nickname given to my partners and I by members of our Imp Tribe. I am one of three women who head up The Impropriety Society, a sex positive organization in a rural northern California community that produces erotic parties and educational workshops. I've also been thinking, and others have suggested, that documenting our process of production and growth could be useful to other communities who strive to create similar experiences for themselves.

It turns out that what we do is actually quite unique. We are a pansexual organization, meaning that we invite and welcome every sort of sexual expression (as long as it does not cause harm to another). We bring the kinksters, the swingers, the furries, the voyeurs, the exhibitionists, and every other sort of sexual being together to share in creating fun, creative and transformative erotic events. We produce large parties (200-300 attendees and staff) twice a year and Society Socials (~100 attendees and staff) the other months of the year. We also strive to provide a variety of educational workshops on topics ranging from BDSM to fetish exploration to communication/negotiation in sex and kink play. We have people who drive up from the Bay area to experience our events because nobody is doing the inclusive thing in the city right now. While there is access to all kinds of sexual exploration in the city, the events are segregated by interest. But our community is so small, we can't really sustain individual groups. The beauty of this limitation is that we are learning a lot about others who share our desire to express our authentic erotic selves but do so in many different and incredible ways. We are expanding our consciousness and our understanding of what it is to be human, and experiencing a whole lot of amazing connection in the process.

On a personal level, some may wonder why I do this. As I share our story here, it will become clear why I consider this to be the most blissful work I have ever participated in and why it is about so much more than throwing sexy parties. I am giving the world what I want most: the space for authenticity, creativity, healing and transformation. And love. I believe that most of us are inhibited in sharing our love even though it is the deepest longing of our hearts to do so, therefore I am striving for an openness to expressions of love on every level, from the personal with my self and my tribemates, to the collective with my local community and extending outward to my human family. I believe that much of the dysfunction in our families and culture is a direct result of sexual repression, so I strive to offer people an opportunity to express their truth and find their happiness in it.

This blog will document both the evolution of the Imps as we strive towards growing into a permanent space/community center and my own evolution as an Impress. We have been doing this work for a year and a half. I will do my best to both document the present and the past. In the spirit of sharing some of our history, I will post a few older journal entries written for a blog I was keeping last year at a social networking site and then fill in the spaces as I am inspired to. I will also strive to write at least weekly our current story as it unfolds.

Namaste and thank you for listening.