Claiming Pieces of Myself: The Teacher

Every year, instead of setting New Year's resolutions, I choose a word that I intend to embody. This year the word is vulnerability. Tonight I am choosing to be vulnerable by sharing the struggle I am having with expressing an aspect of my authentic self.

I have a sense that there will be multiple posts about claiming different aspects of myself in the coming months. Some are a reclaiming of a part of myself I gave up at some point in my past (artist, healer), some are a claiming of something I've never fully embraced.

“The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.” Kahlil Gibran

An archetype and expression of my gifts that I have been long avoiding is that of Teacher. While I have become comfortable with facilitating spaces for people to be creative, learn or connect in various ways, I have avoided being the "expert" at the front of the room as much as possible. I've become more comfortable leading trainings for the Imps, but I try to use interactive activities and learning through discussion more than talking to groups of people. I don't feel comfortable being the center of attention in that way. I worry that I am uninteresting and boring everyone in the room, especially since I'm not funny. I am insecure about my authority in any subject matter. And I worry that my ideas for interaction are silly or weird.

In high school I dreamed of being a teacher. It was the first time I felt a calling. I desired to teach high school English and Theater. I desired to be like the few amazing teachers I had and make a difference in the lives of teens, especially troubled teens who weren't seen by others. I didn't want any teen to go through school feeling unseen. But I gave up the idea of teaching at the end of my college education because I found art and thought that if I became a high school teacher I would give my whole heart to the kids and have nothing left for my own creativity. I don't know if this is true, I just know that teaching in the institution of public education was really not the place for me (too much of the Rebel archetype in me).

A year after college I fell into a job as a teacher - I ran an employment training center for welfare-to-work participants. I taught basic math, reading, writing and computer skills, as well as developed a soft skills curriculum. Even then I avoided standing in front of the room talking to the entire class as much as I could. One-to-one I was fine. Small groups were ok. But the more focus on me as the center of attention, the more uncomfortable I was. I ignored several ideas I had for activities that might have actually been fun and engaging but I was too scared to be the one to tell other adults to do something different. I was afraid to be vulnerable and to ask for their vulnerability (although there were other ways I invited their vulnerability through writing exercises).

Then for 7 years I didn't do any teaching at all (although I've nearly always been writing/blogging).

With the Imps I've felt the need to step into the teacher role around the concept of Vibes and creating safe emotional spaces for erotic exploration. I give a short talk about Vibes and holding space at the all staff training and co-facilitate the Vibes crew training for every event. I am so passionate about the Vibes concept and its importance in the success of our events that I no longer have insecurities about "teaching" this specific topic. I have a confidence when I speak in this context that I've never experienced before.

Now I am facilitating these sex-positive spiritual gatherings and I am scared about teaching. I have a lot of knowledge and insight to share regarding self-development and the spiritual path. I've been studying psychological and spiritual material since I was 16. If there's anything I'm an expert in, it's purposeful evolution and transformation through the application of psycho-spiritual tools and wisdom. Yet I don't trust that anyone really desires to hear what I have to say about these things. I think more about how to generate discussion than what I have to share from my own knowledge on the next gathering's topic.

I also met with a friend in the Bay Area over New Year's weekend and brainstormed possibilities for co-facilitating a workshop on women's sexual empowerment. She put out an invitation for co-collaborators and I felt immediately inspired to respond. It's a chance to develop myself more fully as a workshop facilitator and to introduce myself and what I have to offer to the Bay Area community.

I know that I have been called to teaching all of my life. I have been called to share what I learn through writing in public forums. But I am also called to teach to groups of people in person. I can feel it in my bones. And yet I am so afraid of it, so resistant. I am contemplating ideas for breaking through this resistance, for combining teaching and interactivity in ways that are comfortable for me, for using the spiritual gatherings as a training ground.

As I write this I realize for the first time that the people who are coming to my gatherings are doing so because they trust me and they believe I have something of value to share with them. They are my right people and I need to trust that they are interested in what I have to share as long as I follow my heart. Or if they come and realize they aren't my right people, that's ok for everyone involved. They just have other people and community that are right for them. This is an amazing opportunity for me not to take rejection personally and to see what happens when I act fully from my heart and spirit.

I imagine it will take me time to figure this teaching thing out...exactly how it works for me to both stretch my edges yet also honor my unique feelings about teaching (which is really about facilitating the space for people to have insights into themselves and the world). It will take time for me to embody my authority in what I'm qualified to share. But I will use my theme for 2011 - vulnerability - to guide me into claiming my inner teacher and letting her fly.

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Image Source: Lisa Valder

Love and Fear

"Her wounds came from the same source as her power."
Adrienne Rich

I have been passionately interested in love and healthy relationship since I was a teenager. I don't mean romantic love, although I have had typical obsessions with romantic relationship over the years. I mean the Big Love, the Love that is the life's blood of the Universe, the Love believed by all the world's religions. The sort of love represented in the story of the sacrifice of Jesus' life for humanity. When I was a practicing Christian (ages 3-20), I was deeply touched by the story of Jesus and his immense love for us all. I desired to feel that love in my own life and be that love with other people.

I started reading Leo Buscaglia, the first university professor to teach love, when I was 15. I started working on my self development with Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled when I was 16. Even in the midst of living with my mother's narcissism, addictions and emotional abuse, my stepfather's alcoholism, and my father's neglect I knew there was a happier way to live and I knew it was based in love.

Back then I perceived it as God's Love. As my understanding of God, religion/spirituality and love have grown over years of intellectual study and experiential living, what remains is this knowing deep in my heart that we are capable of living with so much more love than we do. We are so afraid, afraid every day in so many ways. I seem to have been born with an innate awareness of, and drive to create, the Love filled lives that we are capable of living. I can feel the potential of it and everything in my life is motivated towards growing deeper in love for myself and others. My deepest desire for relationship is to find others who will go to the depths of love with me, who will choose to face our shadows together and work to heal into greater experiences of love together.

There is very little black-and-white duality sort of thinking that I invest in anymore, but I do believe that all of our emotions and choices, big or small, are based in either love or fear. Love leads to expansion, fear leads to contraction. Love allows us to be big and shine our lights for one another, fear causes us to shrink into the shadows. Love leads to Oneness, fear leads to separation/isolation.

It seems that part of my ability as an intuitive/empath is to feel when people are making love or fear based choices. I just know, even when they aren't necessarily conscious of their own motivations. I also tend to have intuition about what a person could do to choose love rather than continue in a fear-based pattern. That isn't just intuition, I have a 15 year self education in self development, psychology, philosophy, religion and spirituality. I have a pretty good understanding of how the human heart and mind work (based on our current collective understanding, of course we still have much to learn).

It very literally hurts my heart to witness/feel people choose fear. Because it hurts, I judge it as bad. I don't know how to change that. I don't know that I should. I watched fear slowly kill my mother. Her fear eventually grew so big that she became psychotic with delusions. I watch my ex-husband sit day after day for 7 years in his bedroom in front of his computer because he was too afraid to interact with the world. He lives a very small and depressed life (and I lived that life with him for awhile because I was afraid to give up my delusions about our so-called partnership and be on my own again). I've felt the big impact fear can have, and I see it's little impact in people's lives every day (including my own).

For a long time I have struggled with the story that my mom, my ex, and others chose fear over their love for me. Because I chose my children when fear could have ruled my life, I have told myself the story that my mother chose her fear, her addictions, and her narcissism over me, as if it was a conscious decision she made very day. Same with my ex-husband. I believed he chose his fear over our family. I made it personal and I am working on changing that. It isn't ever about me, it's about their own relationship to love and fear. But even if I take myself out of it, the reality is that it hurts to watch the people I love suffer from fear based choices.

*

"Closing the heart is a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we close it, we attract more reasons to keep it closed. Opening the heart is a soul-fulfilling prophecy. When we open it, we attract blessings." Jeff Brown

Part of my grief process right now is accepting that Knight made a fear based choice four months ago (and actively maintained since) that prevents our relationship from being what it could be. It has nothing to do with poly. It has to do with what is, or isn't, between us by his choice. He told me this when we came back together, but I didn't want to believe it. I chose to hope for the potential for great love I could feel between us. I poured my whole heart into our relationship. But he did not do the same. And now I know that I can't be in a relationship that isn't whole. I can't be in a relationship where fear prevents love from flowing and healing from taking place.

The struggle I am having right now is with the story that Knight chose his fear over his love for me. I don't know how not to take it personally, how not to feel rejected. I realize that the bigness of my grief, and my anger towards Knight, come from the history of the people I love choosing their fear. This is a pattern in my life.

The struggle I am having right now is with my own fear. My fear tells me that I will always feel rejected in his presence. My fear tells me that I can never be emotionally intimate with him again, even as friends. My fear tells me that I am not strong enough to bear watching him having other relationships in this community, relationships that I have to watch unfold and be expressed through BDSM and sex in public, in front of me at the parties that I help create.

I am scared. I am scared of how much more this is going to hurt. I am scared that it will hurt too much. My fear tells me to shut down, to shut him out, to try and make myself cold so that I don't feel it. My fear tells me to stay angry so that I can fall out of love with him.

Now I face the choice between fear and love. What are the loving choices for myself and towards Knight as we transition away from a romantic relationship to each other? What is the most loving choice for the community as I try to navigate my grief as we approach a big party? Can I be a positive role-model by making it about love, by embracing Knight as my friend and his other relationships as part of his joy? I desire more than anything for him to be happy. I just wanted him to be happy going to the depths of love with me.

*

It isn't about being fearless. Most of us will struggle with fear all our lives. We're evolutionarily conditioned for it and it's something we have to change as a species.

It's a matter of being willing to face our fear, to shine the light on our shadows in order to experience deeper joy, love, and intimacy. Most of us run from our shadows, especially in relationship. Yet there is nothing more intimate than sharing the evolutionary process with another person and actively choosing love in the face of fear together. There is nothing more vulnerable than exposing your darkest shadows to each other, forgive yourself and the other, and to choose to heal through conscious action to be happier and more loving together.

Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

I am really proud of myself for my courage.

Last night I had dinner with Knight and his new lover, whom I shall call Rose (we share a love of roses). I did not feel ready for it. I had strong urges to back out of it. But I did it anyway and am so incredibly grateful that I chose love.

Knight started talking about the three of us getting together within a week of their relationship beginning. I was hesitant for many reasons. For one, it feels like everything is moving really fast and the idea of meeting implied a bigness to their
NRE that I don't want to acknowledge. Knight and I didn't call ourselves a couple for nearly two months and I didn't meet his daughters for more than three months. Yet here he was asking me to invite this new lover into my heart only two weeks into their relationship.

Secondly, there is the bigness of my own process around accepting their relationship. I am still suffering from nervous belly every day. I am struggling emotionally every time they have a date. I have no idea what will trigger me. What if I was triggered by their interaction during dinner? How could I take the risk of exposing my shadow, or failing to have grace, with someone I don't know? How much vulnerability am I capable of?

I am capable of so much more than I imagined.

Last Friday, in my ecstatic state after writing the love letter to the Invisible Girl, I wrote an email to Rose. I desired for her to know that it is my goal to embrace their relationship, as well as some other details about my process. In her response she expressed a desire for the three of us to meet and talk as well, but was willing to respect my timing.

I thought it would be weeks before I would be ready to come face-to-face with their relationship. But the other day I felt an intuitive nudge to just do it, so I let Knight know I was open to it and last night worked out for us all.

Yesterday was difficult. My belly discomfort increased exponentially. The fear was huge. I came very close to backing out. But I chose acts of self-care instead. First, in the afternoon I followed a recommendation from a co-worker/friend to pick up an herbal de-stress formula that she had found effective during periods of emotional stress. I took it immediately. Within an hour my belly discomfort had subsided significantly and my emotional state felt more mellow. I also went home to relax for awhile and picked up The Places that Scare You again. This time I was drawn to the chapter called "Learning to Stay," which talks about staying with our emotional states rather than repressing them or acting out from them. I was in a fairly calm state by dinner time.

It started out awkward. We (mostly they) small talked during food preparation, but when we sat down together it got very quiet. No one knew where to start. But then Rose took the initiative and talked about her own willingness to be awkward and vulnerable, which led us into a two+ hour deeply honest conversation about poly, our desires, our fears, our histories and so much more. Although we are very different, Rose and I have some significant resonance in our histories. She is compassionate towards my situation and willing to honor my limitations for the time being (I know that I am not ready to see them be physically intimate beyond a greeting/goodbye hug and kiss). She also gave Knight and I gifts she had made.

We talked about having a once-a-month dinner with the three of us. We also talked about her and I spending some time together without Knight, which I think is essential to discovering if we have friendship chemistry.

Overall it was a great experience. While I don't believe my struggles with the fear are over, I do feel that this is a significant step towards increasing my comfort with the situation. I have a better understanding of what draws them to each other and what impact they may have on each other's evolution.

But most importantly, I feel my heart opening to Rose and her place in Knight's life, which I believe will lead me toward a deeper experience of Love.

The Audacity of Authenticity

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be, and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means:

• Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;

• Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; and

• Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen we believe that we are
enough.

Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re
wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so
intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Choosing authenticity is not only an act of courage; it is an act of resistance. You’re going to
confuse, piss-off and terrify lots of people – including yourself. One minute you'll pray that
the transformation ends and the next minute you’ll pray that it never ends.

But, if we want to engage in our lives from a place of worthiness, authenticity is not an option. We have to wake up every morning and say, “is is who I am, this is my story, and . . . I am enough.”

Brene Brown, from What is Dying to be Born?

YES. This is who I am, this is my story, and I am enough.

And the same goes for you.

Death and Rebirth

I haven't written in awhile. As big Imp events approach, there tends to be less space for reflection. But now that we are headed into summer, I have a feeling - actually it's an intention - that I will be writing a lot more in the coming days. It's time to make some significant changes in my life and writing helps me significantly during times of transformation. I feel compelled to share this story as it unfolds, partially because I seek to be witnessed and partially because I always hope that sharing my story will be useful to someone else. It is in the sharing of our stories that we can find connection, meaning, insight, and a plethora of other gifts. And sometimes hearing someone else's story just lets us know we are not alone.

Don't hide your heart but reveal it, So that I may know mine too, And know what I am capable of... - Rumi

As I've said before, I've hesitated to be completely vulnerable in my writing here because this blog is associated with the Imps and because people I interact with regularly read it. As I bounce between the risk of transparency and the belief that I have to be "professional," I realize that I just need to honor that this is the space I created for writing the unfolding story of my life as an erotic hostess. The personal is just as much a part of that story as the professional is.

The image above is the Transformation card from the Osho Zen Tarot deck. In other decks it is known as the Death card. I love this card and because of it I have come to lovingly label times of intense transformation as "burning in Kali's Fire." The Fire of Transformation burns away the old (illusions, fears, wounds, all the things that keep us small) and forges a purer heart. Sitting in the Fire is painful, but it always leads to healthier and deeper capacities to love.

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey

It's been an excruciatingly painful week for me. My guy and I ended our partner-relationship. It turns out that neither of us is ready or able to fulfill the potential of our connection because we are nowhere near as profoundly in love with ourselves as we are with each other. We had been planning to move in together on June 1st, but the last few weeks/months we have been sinking into unhealthy patterns and hurting one another in the process. It all exploded last Monday and we have been navigating the wreckage since. There is no blame and there are no sides to take. We both made mistakes. We both neglected to put intention into the relationship and the necessary work into our own self-care and healing. Our trust in ourselves, each other and the relationship eroded. Our shadows and our fears took over. We have chosen to end that part of our relationship for now because it is the healthy choice to untangle our entanglements and overcome our dependency on (addiction to) one another. We both need time and space to focus on cultivating as much love for ourselves as we have for each other.

What makes this break up different than any other either of us have experienced is that our love is immense. And we are still madly in love with each other. We have put on the breaks before we stopped being in love. While it might feel easier to do the traditional break up -- to become distant and shut down our hearts to one another -- it isn't the loving choice that we desire to make. We are striving to remain open to the love we share and just shift its expression. We desire to maintain intimacy and support one another as we try to align with our right paths as individuals. We are open to new possibilities as we change. This is a death that will lead to some kind of rebirth. Maybe we are meant to be together and this whole process will birth a much healthier, richer relationship than we had before. Or maybe we were meant to be catapulted into our individual evolutions by our entanglement and then move forward as intimate friends. We have no idea about the future, we only know what we need to do now to move forward in love rather than fear and to build trust again.

Besides our personal motivation for remaining connected, there are other motivations as well. As much as I struggle with it sometimes, being part of a close-knit tribe and being community leaders for the Imps demand that we interact in healthy, loving ways. We will be attending a meeting on Wednesday and the staff decompression-party on Saturday. The following weekend will be a graduation celebration for tribemates on Saturday and an intimate gathering on Sunday. Unless one or both of us isolates ourselves from our tribe and/or stops working for the Imps, we have to maintain a relationship. It's a win-win for everyone that we desire to. I trust our tribe can hold space for the heartache and awkwardness that we will experience as we shift to a new sort of relating. They have already started.

Of course I have no idea what it will look or feel like when we attend future Imps events and play with others. While neither of us are in the right space for long-term relationship, that doesn't mean we won't have other intimate and sexual connections as we work on our personal evolutions. Unlike other communities where sex is kept behind closed doors, continuing to participate in this community requires an openness to the reality that we may see the other have sex with someone else. It's a very scary thought to me right now, but I am trusting that I will reach a place of ok-ness within myself in time so that I am not overcome with jealousy and other fear-based reactions.

It hurts like hell to do it this way. We can't escape, distract or disconnect from the heartache too much when we're continuing to interact. There is a necessary willingness to sit with the heartache and to process through all the negativity that comes to the surface. We are still talking and listening. There is a surprising willingness to hold space for one another as we untangle the mess we've made. Some moments I want nothing more than to blame and shut down. Some moments I am very afraid that I am alone, will remain alone and will not experience love like ours again. Many other moments I feel expansive and connected and I know to the core of my being that this will lead to very good things for us both. Choosing love is always the right choice.

The Risks of Personal Disclosure

After reading my last post about an explicit sexual adventure, I had a friend who is new to the blog world ask about my boundaries around personal disclosure. He is wondering how personal he should be on his own blog, with his current guide being whether the personal directly applies to the mission of his project.

I have to admit that as I was writing the post, I considered how I hope the blog will lead to more exposure for the Society and for me as a writer and professional, and I wondered if it would be considered inappropriate to write so explicitly, even if my business directly involves sex. On the other hand, I could see how titillating readers with explicit sex can be an attraction that leads them to my other content. Ultimately I decided that what really matters most to me is personal truth. If someone doesn't want to read my blog or take my business seriously because I occasionally write about sex or my personal relationships, then we aren't meant for each other. There may be people who don't resonate with what I write about conscious leadership or spirituality either. That's ok. We aren't meant for each other.

Writing, or any other creative expression, shouldn't be about reaching every human being on the planet with your message. It's about making genuine connection and reaching the people who resonate with your message; people who will be touched, inspired, or challenged by your experiences.

As a writer, I have never had boundaries around personal disclosure. This is my fourth blog and all of them have combined the personal with a specific mission (the Yoni Endeavor was about women's issues; The Conspiracy of Blessings was about creativity, generosity and gift economy; and my personal blog was about my journey as a mystic). I came into this world wired to share my feelings and experiences, no matter how taboo or uncomfortable or unpalatable they may be to some people. I believe that telling our personal stories of transformation is vital to humanity's transformation. I believe telling the truth about how we work to overcome our struggles and suffering is important to our collective evolution. I believe honoring our emotions is vital to a healthy life.

And I believe that part of my purpose in life is to shine the light on the shadow. I've had an unusual share of trauma in my life. I have used writing both as a method of healing and consciousness raising. I've written about rape, incest and domestic violence. I've written about the dark side of parenting and being the daughter of a narcissist. I've written about mental illness. And now I write about sex, conscious leadership, spirituality and how they all intersect in my life and in the Society.

I strive to be an integrated human being. I do not disassociate and keep different parts of my life packaged up so they don't bleed into one another. I am not interested in a shiny, palatable image. I do not wish to be bland or mediocre so that I can reach a large and mainstream audience. I want to be big and bold and take risks. I want to be messy as I blur the lines between the intellectual and the emotional, personal and the professional, the sacred and the profane. I want to challenge assumptions. Right now, the biggest assumption I challenge is that sex is meant to be kept behind closed doors. We are born sexual beings and sex is a part of our every day lives. Healthy sexual expression is vital to a healthy emotional and spiritual life. How am I to be a role model for healthy sexual expression if I keep my own sex life in the shadows or buy in to the idea that my message is less meaningful because I share stories about my own sexual expression?

Accountability and Healing

I felt it was appropriate to precede this post with my feelings about conscious leadership in order to give fuller context. As an aspiring conscious leader I believe in transparency. I believe in telling the truth, especially when it's hard and scary. Raising consciousness is about telling the truth, bringing awareness to previously hidden and taboo information -- the kind of information we would prefer to ignore because it makes us uncomfortable and it makes us accountable. When we raise our consciousness, we become more accountable to living with integrity.

Contrary to what I have seen in the community leaders I have worked for in the past, I believe in taking steps towards healing and restoration of my relationships when I fail and leave emotional wreckage in my wake. Accountability is vital to the healing process. When we make an unhealthy choice that hurts or harms another person, even in the professional world, healing comes from acknowledging our failure and seeking restoration through acts of reconciliation. I think that an important aspect of conscious leadership is public accountability for one's mistakes and shadow behaviors. All long-term relationships are built on forgiveness.

I recently had a failure as a Society Hostess. I participated in a hasty decision that affected the hearts of those in Imps leadership, who are also many of my closest friends. I failed to communicate in open and thoughtful ways about that decision. I lacked consciousness around how the decision, and the process by which it was made, would affect those that I love and respect. In hindsight I am actually a bit stunned that I was so easily carried away by my own process and neglected to keep my eye on the bigger picture, as I usually strive to do.

When we learned that people were hurt by our actions, we had a meeting during which we apologized and held space for open communication around the issue. We felt it was healthier to get everything out in the open, rather than try to communicate as individuals behind the scenes where further misunderstandings and gossip could take root. While it was incredibly painful for many of us, it was also a remarkable act of trust in our love to be so raw and open about our feelings. As I listened to people express their concerns and frustration about our actions, I heard a common theme around lack of trust and a sense of not being seen or considered. The lack of trust tells me that even greater transparency is warranted. Since I have my own issues around being invisible, I have a lot of compassion for people feeling that they weren't seen or considered. I have a deep desire that everyone be truly witnessed for who they are and what they give. It hurt my heart that my actions contributed to someone feeling unseen.

Our first step toward healing was beginning our next leadership meeting with an act of intentional reconciliation. Each person pulled a name from a hat and expressed what they most appreciate about what that person brings to the Society. Then the receiver of appreciation shared what they feel they do that is unseen -- something about their work for the Society that is done behind the scenes and most people are not aware of. I believe it was an effective activity. I know that I see everyone and what they give better than I did before and I felt love flowing between us again.

I also felt witnessed. I was deeply touched by what is appreciated about me. I was told that it is the sharing of my journey of evolution, my desire to be more and do better that is most appreciated. I have told people before that my greatest kink is my personal evolution. Nothing turns me on more or keeps my fire of passion more alive than the process of evolving toward deeper consciousness and greater love. I am grateful that I am seen for this.

One thing I know about traditional management is that leaders rarely hold themselves accountable for their failures. They rarely acknowledge the heartache that they cause their employees or community when they fail, let alone sit in a room and hold space for those who have been hurt to air their grievances. As much failure as I have been witness to in community organizations, I have never seen leaders take intentional action towards reconciliation with those they have hurt. I am sure that we are not the first, that there are other organizations who practice conscious leadership in these ways. I just haven't met them yet. I look forward to when I do. Until then, I share our stories in hopes of inspiring others to consider a different way of doing business and/or leading a community.

"The Doors We Open and Close Each Day...

decide the lives we live." Flora Whittemore

There are big things taking place behind the scenes of the Impropriety Society.

Next Wednesday we will be meeting with some of our staff to discuss our vision for the Impresarios, a leadership circle that will support the hostesses in managing and growing the organization. Our hope is that it will be comprised of event crew heads (Security, Vibes, Dungeon, Hospitality, Music, Dirty Cleaners and Performances) and six new coordinator positions (Marketing, Community Outreach & Public Relations, Fundraising/Friendraising, Equipment, Workshops, and Business Assistant). It may also include Advisory positions for community members who have significant expertise or resources to offer but can't commit to one of the other positions. The group will meet monthly, as well as communicate through an email list, to discuss the direction of the organization and significant community issues, as well as to consciously nurture healthy leadership practices.

I am excited. I love collaboration. I see this as an opportunity to build the organization, deepen relationships, share the responsibilities and rewards of leadership, and evolve into a stronger leader.

I am also excited and a bit nervous about the new responsibilities I am taking on as lead hostess for business development, marketing, community outreach and public relations.

I am looking forward to learning about business development -- establishing ourselves as a legal business, writing a business plan, and discovering viable options that will lead to profitability. We dream of a community center that will operate as the hub for the sex-positive community in Humboldt. It could serve as a space for all kinds of events, meetings, support groups, workshops, private gatherings, etc. It could be a part or full time center for people to come for resources and talk about sex and relationship. It could showcase sex positive artists. We've had many ideas for a potential store - promotional items, t-shirts, etc. The ideas are endless and the more we can offer, the more likely we can support paid staff.

As to my other new responsibilities, I have always shied away from anything marketing related. I have resistance to much of the manipulative psychology around sales. I have also shied away from building professional relationships. I don't consider myself good at networking because I am terrible at talking about myself or "selling" what I am involved with in an assertive way. I can be plenty assertive about healthy leadership and relationship practices or aesthetics or other aspects of our operations, but direct representation of myself or the organization has been a significant struggle. I am ready to meet this challenge and transform my stories of limitation. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the organization, to grow my wings and discover my true capabilities.

Whatever unfolds in this next chapter of the Imps story, I am so incredibly grateful for my business partners/best friends. I am grateful for Wednesday night meetings and conversations. I am grateful for our openness and healthy communication. I am grateful I opened the door to the Impropriety Society when they asked for help two years ago. And I am grateful for the opportunity to open the doors to new possibilities for evolution no matter where they lead.

Baring It All

There are different kinds of nakedness. There is the nakedness of the body. It is incredibly vulnerable to bare one's body publicly, especially if you, like me, don't fit into our culture's idea of immaculate beauty. I am overweight. I have stretch marks and cellulite. My breasts droop. But through sex positive activities and an empowering community I have become comfortable being physically naked in front of others. I haven't only been naked, I have sucked cock, masturbated, fucked a dildo, orgasmed and had amazing, no inhibition sex with my Love in front of others. I have literally bared it all.

But there is another kind of nakedness that I have been encouraging - sometimes even demanding - mostly behind the scenes of the Imps community. It is emotional nakedness. It is speaking our feelings, particularly our shadowy feelings - fears and insecurities, grief and anger, shame and judgment. I believe that healthy community and communication requires an openness far beyond what is comfortable or "socially acceptable." I believe that the only way to avoid the drama that often tears communities apart is to put everything out on the table. And yet I am finding myself hiding away when my own darkness descends.

When I am surrounded by my shadows, as I have been lately, I tend to keep it hidden. When I am struggling to be an evolved and well behaved leader or mother, friend or lover, I hide away in my bedroom with my discomfort, my loneliness, my shame, my passive aggressive impulses, my anger and sadness.

Recently I came across this blog post and these words resonated with me so strongly that I realize that to be in integrity with what I ask of others, I have to bare it all, to expose my naked truths and shine the light in my darkness. It is part of the revolution to be real with each other.


I think that our feelings - of loneliness, confusion, pain, and isolation - are given the most power to create desperation if and when we bottle them up or try to bear them alone. What Ronna and Anne Lamott are expressing, even advocating, is the idea that being open and honest - not sugarcoating the hard stuff - is what makes it all bearable. It's what reminds us that we're not alone...that everyone has hurts and battles and scars that mirror our own - it's the universal human condition! And where we find release and relief from those hurts, those agonies, is in sharing them. I don't think it’s so much about issuing ear-shattering cries of desperation for their own sake. But when given an outlet, a voice, they are much more likely to live and die as struggles, perhaps even crises, rather than eating us alive from the inside out, harbored as smoldering secrets, individual shame, and singularly shouldered despair. (I would add resentment.)

I think we most often stay silent in our hurts and struggles and failures, because we are afraid that if we call them out into the world, that we will be shushed, shamed, or silenced. (Especially as women.) But I also think that the power that we (again, especially as women) possess is the tenderness and truthfulness that are necessary in order to carve out safe spaces in which unfiltered real life and gritty true stories can find expression. No matter how heartbreaking, life-altering, or power-structure-shaking they may be. It is precisely in the telling of our tales, the airing of our secrets, and the sharing of our former (or current) shame, that these shackles begin to loosen and relinquish their power over our lives. The hurt begins to dissipate, the wounds to heal, the shame to evaporate. And the Phoenix rises out of the ashes.

Because I believe that the more often we say these difficult things out loud - these big, scary words and world-shifting ideas that challenge the prevailing notion of what is socially acceptable to 'put out there' - the more likely we are to find truer paths to healing. To kindness and goodness. Toward community and compassion.

The safe spaces we create as a community are not just about safe exploration of sex or gender identity. We believe it is our honor and responsibility to hold space for everything that is not harmful in order to facilitate healing, individually and collectively. We hold space for the light and shadow in each other, staff and guest.

However, I haven't really trusted the community to hold my shadow. As hostesses, we feel that we need to be positive role models, and until now, have interpreted that to mean keeping our dark feelings to ourselves (or only sharing them with each other). But I am realizing that being a positive role model isn't about putting on a happy face all the time and stuffing the darkness until we are alone. It's about being real. It's about showing what it looks like to fail, take responsibility for our failure, and then make changes to ensure more success in the future. It's about admitting when we are exhausted and in pain, physically or emotionally, and asking for support when we need it.

There has been talk about me recently, and yet only one of those talking has been willing to come to me directly to express their concerns. Without knowing who has been talking, I am unable to offer apologies and find mutual understanding. So I've decided to address the issue here, not knowing if those who have been effected by my behavior will see it, but it's the only forum I have to give context and to express the changes we are implementing to help prevent my falling down in the future.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been snappy during breakdown of the last few events. My tone of voice has been less than kind and even made someone feel small. There is concern that if it were to worsen, some people may be unwilling to volunteer during breakdown - a time when we need our volunteers the most. It quite literally broke my heart to know there was any possibility I might drive someone away with my shadow behavior.

What I have learned through my attempt to understand why I become snappish is that not only am I exhausted and less capable of controlling my emotional responses, but I often feel my experience as a hostess is unseen and/or taken for granted during breakdown specifically.

My experience (not my excuse) is that by the time breakdown comes I am extremely tired and my body is aching. Not only have I have been on my feet for one, two or three days with little to no rest or sleep, but I have usually been at work for the Imps the weeknights leading up to the event, after working full days at my regular job.

During breakdown I am trying to pull together items that I take home rather than go to storage. I am often having to quickly prevent people from packing up what I need. I also have to prevent them from being careless with our art. We have lost a lot of art due to people pulling it down and tossing it together without removing the adhesives on the back. The art is created with a lot of heart, time and energy by community members. Having to throw it away because it's been irreparably damaged due to carelessness makes me sad.

And then there is the experience of continuing to work until the last item is in the truck while volunteers stand around and socialize. I cannot stop or go home until it is all done. I recognize it is a responsibility that comes with the position I have chosen. While I do not begrudge any volunteer the decision to be done and go home on their own terms, I do have difficulty with them standing around and watching me continue to work while they talk and play. I have difficulty with having to work around them and their stuff, and taking longer to get out the door because they have be herded. And honestly, it frustrates me that my friends will sit around and watch me keep working, seemingly unaware or uncaring of how hard it can be for me to keep going.

What we have learned from this experience is that we need to bring more intent and care to the breakdown process. We are going to begin breakdown with a huddle - to encourage each other joyfully, to check in about each others' limitations, and to address logistical issues so that we are not operating chaotically or carelessly. We are also going to tell people that if they are not working, they need to leave the building.

While it was painful to be told where I have failed to be a good hostess and leader, I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and implement the changes that need to take place to make breakdown a better experience, not just for me but for everyone. I am also grateful for the opportunity to look at where I need to ask for support and to be aware of how others may need support. There is so much work that we do behind the scenes. Most people only see the end product. As we expand the circle of leadership in the coming months, we need to be witness to each others' unseen work. We need to be careful not to take each other for granted or make assumptions about why we make the choices we do or behave the ways we do. We need to try to approach one another with compassion when something feels uncomfortable and remember that there is always a reason for someone's actions (or tone of voice). By baring it all, even our discomfort and frustration with each other, we will continue to grow the love in our relationships.

Namaste and thank you for listening.

Autobiography by Poetry

I Know (For Virginia Woolf)

I.

“Five hundred a year stands for the power to contemplate,…”

when you grow up
eating white beans
and ham-hocks,
peeing off the back porch
of a condemned house
without plumbing,
and wearing your mother’s
wedding dress
for eighth grade graduation,
self confidence
is as unattainable
as your own room

when you birth
your first child
at the age of seventeen,
learn neither friendship
nor romance will
play in your sandbox,
and survive on three hundred
a month and food stamps
to earn your diploma,
the dream of composing poetry
is as impractical
as a prom date

when madness
creeps in to take
your wits hostage,
a naïve choice in a lover
leads to his gun
in your bedroom,
and your second child
is conceived in rape
rather than love,
freedom of mind
is as hopeless
as a safe place to sleep

when your days become
blurred snapshots,
writing research papers
while nursing at midnight,
picking lice from your
daughter’s corkscrew curls,
and crumpling into bed
alone and weeping,
the power to contemplate
is as unlikely
as finding a devoted father
for your children

when winning bread
means struggling
to keep poverty
from possessing your family,
success entices you
to give up your imagination,
and the american dream
attempts corporate
conquest of your heart,
your greatest power
lies in your courage
to pick up a pen and write


II.

“…a lock on the door means the power to think for oneself.”

my stories are not
hidden behind wiggling
door handles,
my insights strut between
silly songs and giggles
with my babies

my stories are not
opened with brass keys
tinkling on a silver ring,
my brainstorms swirl and burst
among homemade bubbles
in the back yard

my stories are not
bound by scrawls on paper
or pixels on a computer screen,
my tragedies bleed from
tiny fingers with splinters
and paper cuts

my stories do not
wait for a quiet room
to reveal themselves,
they run naked through
my house and office
when least expected

my stories learn with me
that privacy is a luxury
a mother must demand
after so many years of interrupted
movies, meals, showers,
and sexual tanglings

my stories gather in my lap
each day as the sun sets,
where I kiss them one by one,
tuck them in a pocket
of my heart and whisper,
“Our time will come."

* * *

This poem was written as part of a submission to a competition for a writing grant for women, in response to Virginia Woolf's quote about a woman needing a room of her own and an independent income in order to be able to write.

More Brave, More Real

"i know i’m inspired when i read super-intimate tweets by friends & other artists, when i read interviews with diamanda galas talking about her extreme personal details. i feel less alone, more human, more brave, more real. in the end, it’s not about the ass-pimple. in the end, it’s about the humanity, about people willing to share their imperfections & strange little habits so that we don’t feel alone." Amanda Palmer

I came across this quote the other day on Amanda Palmer’s blog and am grateful for the reminder that people respond to deeply intimate sharings. It’s a way of building connection, one of the most important activities of my life.

It’s a new year, a marking of time that lends itself well toward manifesting new intentions...or reviving old ones that need re-commitment. Like telling my story. I am feeling the call to write again, to start telling my story again, as raw and open as I used to when I was blogging to people I didn’t know, people who didn’t live in my local community. I don’t post here as often as I would like because I’ve been afraid to be open here. I have to see the people who will read what I write. I can’t hide behind anonymity here. But I am deciding that’s ok. I am taking my next step in open-heartedeness.

This blog was meant to be a diary of an erotic hostess. How can it be a diary if I don’t write my most personal thoughts about this journey that I am on? And where better to start than by telling the story of what led me here, why I give everything I have to nurturing the Imps community? It’s a compelling story. I have experienced many miracles and traumas in my life. I have been through the school of hard knocks more than once. And out of that I have created a life rich in love and acceptance of who I am...emotionally intense, incredibly vulnerable, long-winded writer and all. :)

I now have a job where I have quite a bit of free time and no one is monitoring what I do with it. I think the wise thing to do with some of that time is write. I miss writing, both the personal sharing of it and the art of crafting thoughts into compelling sentences and paragraphs. I miss processing my life through writing. I miss sharing my evolutionary process with others through the written word.

And the truth is that I want to transition to making a living from something I love, like writing and facilitating evolutionary experiences for others, whether through coaching or producing erotic parties or other transformational activities that I haven’t even imagined yet. I am hoping that by dedicating some time to practicing writing again through my blog, it will lead me to writing articles and/or a book, which will lead to new opportunities for my career.

So the coming weeks will not only become a more consistent documentation of my life now, but I will also start telling the story of what led me here. I think I will begin tonight by sharing a couple of poems I’ve written about my past.

If I Were Brave Enough

Alliance

“You have to make an alliance
with your anguish,” he said,
“not wage war against it.”
And I thought of all the fists
I had shaken at misfortune: games lost
because the shot clock ran out,
a good meal scorched in a forgotten oven,
money dropped on a dress worn only once,
the bully in 6th grade, the math test in 9th,
the wrong outfit at Halloween.
But of course, this isn’t what he meant.


If I were brave enough, I’d tell you how my heart
has raged for love, stretched thin as a high wire.
If I were brave enough, I’d tell you
how my body has been fighting to stay upright
on every precipitous downhill the city
throws at it. If I were brave enough,
I’d climb into your lap and weep with longing.
All I can say is that any attempt at beauty and hope
is land-mined with failure.
And so the perilous track-making begins.
Wending our way through,
there are possible clutches at sunlight, at windows, at yes.
We are each of us inches from death.
We are each of us inches from life.
We are each of us inches from one another.

-Maya Stein