I Declare Myself Now for Joy

A beautiful poem from Erica Jong that reflects my own desire to declare myself for joy this coming year...

I, Erica Jong, in the midst of my life,
having had two parents, two sisters,
two husbands, two books of poems
& three decades of pain,

having cried for those that did not love me
& those who loved me- but not enough
& those whom I did not love-
declare myself now for joy

There is pain enough to nourish us everywhere;
it is joy that is scarce…

Unhappiness is cheap,
Childhood is a universal affliction.
I say to hell with the analysts of minus & plus
the life-shrinkers, the diminishers of joy.

I say to hell with anyone
who would suck on misery
like a pacifier
in a toothless mouth.
I say to hell with gloom…

Doom is cheap
If the apocalypse is coming,
let us wait for it in joy…

I resolve myself for joy.

If that resolve means I must live alone,
I accept aloneness.

If the joy house I inhabit must be
a house of my own making,
I accept that making…

No joy-denyer can deny me now.
For what I have is undeniable.
I inhabit my own house,
the house of joy…

The soul is contagious.
One man catches another’s
like the plague;
& and we are all patient spiders
to each other.

If we can spin the joy thread
& also catch it-

If we can be sufficient to ourselves,
we need fear no entangling webs…

How to spin joy out of an empty heart?
The joy-egg germinates even in despair.

Orgasms of gloom convulse the world;
& and the joy-seekers huddle together.

We meet on the pages of books & by beachwood fires,
We meet scrawled blackly in many-folded letters.
We know each other by free & generous hands,
We swing like spiders on each other’s souls.

The Power of Flight

Today is a glorious sunny day in Arcata, a rare sunny day with little wind. I just walked at the Arcata Marsh for the first time in a couple of months. Oh God, how I have missed everything that being in that place inspires me to feel. Perhaps it is because I have processed so much of my evolution and grief there the last three years. The land holds many of my prayers and my tears. Perhaps it is because I have experienced moments of ecstatic Oneness as the vitality of life in that place embraces my entire being. Perhaps it is the power of the water, the water that sustains all of the life that pulses in that place, the water that cleans Arcata's human impurities from the sewer system and returns to the bay as clean water again.

Tears of joy and appreciation for the blessings of beauty in my life flowed as I walked by one of the ponds and saw baby ducks diving in the water and shaking the water from their wings. This is the second generation of ducks I will witness grow into adulthood.

Today's walk was perfect for this Solstice time. While Arcata is sitting under the bright shining sun, there are dark clouds over the mountains to the east and the air is chill. I would walk under the sun and feel warm, and then walk under the shadow of trees and feel the chill creep up my skin under my clothes causing goosebumps, and then to the warmth of light again. The light *always* follows the darkness as the wheel of the seasons and our lives turns.

The smell of the earth and water fills my nose, while the cool fresh air fills my lungs.

The sound of water moving and birds singing fills my ears.

The reeds and blackberry bushes are decaying, leaving marvelous views of all of the ponds that are usually sheltered by the tall plants in the summer time.

And the dance of the birds today -- so incredibly beautiful. There was a giant flock -- hundreds of little birds -- that completely covered two of the islands in the lake. Every so often large groups would take to the air together and dance - swirling, lifting and falling over the water - sometimes in one group, sometimes in two or three, or shifting from one to two and back to one again. They would turn one direction and it would be flutters of white. They would turn the other direction and it would be flutters of black. Their spontaneous choreography, moving as one body, never ceases to astound me. Then they would return to the island and chatter about their flight, hundreds of voices in what should have been a dissonant cacophony but sounded to my ears more like a song with a hundred distinct yet harmonious voices.

And what other reason do they have to do this dance together than to share in the power of flight? What we can learn from their collaborative flying? That there is more power and joy when we journey together, lift one another up with the power of wind from our wings, and fly higher on the current of one another's journey through the air?

I think of how I am able to fly and soar in ways I never imagined because I have shared experiences of growth and transformation with others. I think of how my dance with the people closest to me powers my ability to fly in the world, whether they are flying by my side in any given moment or not. I fly stronger because I ride the currents of joy, witness and support that I share with my loved ones.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” Anonymous

I fly higher because of how well I've been loved by those that journey with me, those that remind me to lift my eyes to the sky and remember I have the power of flight.

Unexpected Sexual Adventure

I am not an erotica writer, or much of a story teller. But I do have a rich sex life and since this is the diary of an erotic hostess, I would like to make more of an effort to share my sexual adventures.

My partner and I had an unexpected sexual adventure last night. I was very tired, physically and emotionally. I didn't anticipate being up for sex, let alone any kind of significant play. But after a visit with a friend and before settling into bed, my partner wanted to see how the new leather wrist and ankle cuffs he recently purchased fit me.

I was getting ready to climb under the covers and dressed in only a shirt. He told me to lay face down on the bed so he could fasten the ankle cuffs with the ring placed front and center. Something happens inside me when Sir suddenly tells me what to do. There is also something about being face down with ass exposed that gets my juices flowing. As comfortable as I am with Sir, and as often as we are naked together, there is a vulnerability to being naked and in submissive space that turns me on. After fastening the ankle cuffs, Sir had me turn over and fastened the wrist cuffs. Then He pulled out his rope. I knew I was in for more than a mere cuff fitting. He hadn't tied me up in quite awhile, so my excitement was quickly overcoming my exhaustion.

I went to the restroom knowing that I could be confined for a bit. When I returned the ropes were hanging from the eyehooks in the ceiling over my bed and he was placing another rope under the top end of the bed with ends hanging out both sides. He told me to remove my shirt and lay down. He pulled some metal fasteners out of his bag and methodically tied each rope to the fasteners and then hooked the fasteners to the cuff rings. I was bound with arms out to my sides and legs spread open about three feet apart and three feet in the air. Sir removed his clothes and threw his boxers on my head to cover my eyes. He climbed over my body and put his cock in my mouth. He fucked my mouth, sometimes pressing his cock all the way to the back of my throat, taking my breath away for a second or two. I could feel myself getting very wet and my clit swelling with arousal. He pulled out of my mouth and moved down to fuck my pussy. He proceeded to go back and forth between my mouth and pussy for quite awhile. I couldn't see him, I could only feel his movements and would open my mouth in anticipation when I knew his cock was approaching. It really turns him on when I suck my juices off his cock. He has a variety of kinks involving cum.

I love mouth fucking, especially when it's "forced." I love it when he grabs a handful of my hair and directs my head down to start sucking or he holds my head in place while he fucks my mouth aggressively and deeply, causing me to gag or lose my breath for a few seconds. It is a new kink for me. As I've previously written, Sir's cock is the first that I've ever really loved. And Sir is the first man that I've truly felt emotionally safe with as a sexual Dominant (as opposed to a sensation top or sadist). He is a feminist man and we have an equal relationship dynamic in our every day lives. I feel comfortable with submitting to his sexual will and find pleasure in being used to fulfill his desires.

I also love being fucked hard and aggressively. When he has my legs tied up he moves me around to provide his cock with the best sensation and fill me up as deeply as possible.

We have talked a bit about facials. I know that he likes to watch porn on the nights that we are not able to be together and I have asked him about what he likes to watch and why. I like knowing if he has any unfulfilled fantasies. He likes a lot of different kinds of porn, but has expressed a specific interest in watching men cum on women's faces. I had never had a man cum on my face before. While there is a part of me that is repulsed by the idea (primarily due to social conditioning I think), there is also a part of me that is excited by it. I have told him that I would be willing to see what it is like.

He removed my makeshift blindfold. When I could feel that he was rock hard and close to cumming, he asked where I wanted him to cum. I told him to cum wherever he wanted to. He pulled out of me and knelt over my face. He fucked my mouth for a couple minutes and then pulled away to stroke his cock. As his orgasm approached I told him how much I love watching him stroke himself. I love watching the changes in his face as the tension builds and I love seeing his cock so hard and ready to burst. He said, "Here it comes," and I closed my eyes. First I only felt a drop hit my face, then I felt it squirt across my lips, cheeks, nose and eyes. It was warm but quickly cooled. I licked up everything that fell close enough to my lips. While I have difficulty swallowing when giving Sir a blow job (something about the warmth and taste combined), I really liked tasting his slightly cooled cum. Sir wiped up the bit that was on my eyelid but left the rest of the cum on my face as he moved down to give me an orgasm with his tongue. I came so hard I squeezed his head with my thighs and moved him around as my orgasm flowed in waves through my body.

I enjoyed Sir coming on my face, both the act itself and the sensation of it. It's not something I would want to do every time we fuck, but I certainly hope it becomes part of our sexual repertoire.

I have never had such a rich sexual relationship. I love that after a year of ups and downs, learning each others light and shadow, we are still so into each other. I love that as much as we've adventured together, we still have so much to explore about our desires and our kinks. I love that he turns me on so much that I can overcome exhaustion and moodiness to experience pleasure with him. I just love Sir so much I feel like my heart could burst with it.

*Art by Mr. Hues

Our First Event and Conscious Intention

This is a post I wrote on May 14, 2008 about the Society's first event, Cherries Jubilee, and the conscious intention that we strive to bring to everything we do as an organization. I promise not all my posts will be this lengthy. :)

The Impropriety Society's Cherries Jubilee event was a smashing success! It was visually stunning, the performances were hot, everyone I spoke to was immensely joyful, there was tons of play taking place, and we even broke even financially. There were also dreams that came true for both staff and guests, and many happy first experiences for people craving a safe place to express themselves. We had guests from the Bay area, which is six hours away, because the community building we did before the event really impressed people and the word spread.

What we do is pretty unique and I strongly believe it is because we put conscious intention into both the physical and emotional space that we create. At the end of this blog post I share the intention statements with which we begin each meeting and the event itself, as well as the sharing I gave at our staff meeting that explains why I am so deeply invested in what we do (during which we had an earthquake that originated from a place nearby where one has never happened before, which felt pretty frickin' metaphorically serendipitous and magical!).

For me personally the event was amazing and a reward for a lot of work and hard won growth. As a leader, a role I am only beginning to become comfortable in, I was full of pride for my staff that went above and beyond to connect with guests and create a vibe that had everyone expressing gratitude for the beauty of it. All night long I heard how comfortable people felt, how friendly the staff was, and how beautiful the space was (we decorated simple and classy with luscious fabrics, flowering tree branches, lights and art).

I feel extreme gratitude for my two partners because we were well balanced in the talents and skills we brought to the partnership, we shared responsibility easily and we were very decisive and productive when we met. Everything went smoothly, which speaks to the level of our preparation. I also feel incredibly blessed to get to spend so much time and create with these two beautiful, strong, smart, generous women who share my passion for changing the world by supporting healthy and positive sexuality.

I was more socially comfortable than I have ever been in my life...talking to lots of people (never, ever standing on the wall as an observer, which is a first for me), giving hugs and kisses and cuddles, and even playing spin the bottle with the addition of some dice that made things far racier than mere kissing. Surrounded by so much love, especially my close friends and lovers on staff, I felt confident, sexy, and strong. I felt desired and loved. I felt seen and appreciated for the bigness of who I am. I felt like I was truly a part of a community, a tribe, a family. It was/is so very, very good. I wish everyone in the world had this experience of belongingness. I truly do. I hope we provide for as many people as we are capable.

Impropriety Society Intention Statements

As a staff, we set the conscious intention to act as a community, to encourage and support every staff member, whether we've been friends for years or we've met for the first time through this event. We set the intention for inclusiveness; respecting and celebrating the diversity of every member and the roles they fill.

We intend to respect each other's expertise and the gifts each person has to offer. We intend to check our egos at the door and bring a spirit of love into the space. We intend to work through and rise above personal agendas or difficult issues in order to work as a team. For our community, we set the intention of creating and holding sacred space for safe play, passionate pleasure, and open and free sexual and creative expression. We honor the authenticity of those who enter the space, without judgment, as long as they do not cause harm to another. We recognize that we are honored and privileged to provide our community with a safe container in which to experiment and courageously face their insecurities and fears. And we consciously accept the responsibility of the trust we are given to provide that physical and emotional safety.

What I shared at the staff meeting...

I know it's pretty geeky to actually have a little speech written but I'm very nervous about talking to the group and want to make sure I communicate what's on my heart. For those of you in the room who are new and might be feeling some insecurities about being surrounded by such amazing people, as I once did, know that some of us old timers are just as insecure in our new roles in organizing this group. All of us are risking some sense of vulnerability by being here and it makes me feel better to acknowledge that out loud.

I just want to speak a moment to the reason why I've committed to serving this community and the bigger picture of what we do. I don't know if you've all read the about us page at our website, but I want to emphasize an aspect of it.

We say that "Sex is so potent, powerful, and special that we feel it should be acknowledged and celebrated as an enormous force capable of creating good in the world (earthquake!). The Impropriety Society is committed to nurturing sacred space for sexual expression in all of its glorious manifestations. Things deemed sacred are regarded with reverence and generally thought of as good; however, many people have ideas about sex that set it apart from the sacred, and view it as dirty, bad, sick, nasty, and evil. Our goal is to remove the negative stigma around sex. Through active, conscious creation, we aim to create space in which sex in its many forms can come out of the dark taboo of profanity and into the light of the sacred through dance, music, performance, play, kink, f*ck, and love."

Although it seems like what we provide is a really great and sexy party, it is so much more than that for many who participate. We are providing a community service, albeit an unusual one. We provide the safe physical and emotional space for people to express their deepest, most authentic selves. We provide encouragement for people to explore parts of themselves, sexually and creatively, that they may have repressed in fear and insecurity for most, if not all, of their lives.

We offer the opportunity for people to make connections with other people who are turned on by the same things that they are. We are inviting people out of isolation and fear, into love and acceptance. We are inviting them to share themselves with us and each other. Invitation, acceptance, openness....these are all ideas to hold in your mind when you watch and interact with people.

Whatever your role, from dj to dungeon monitor, and whatever your reasons for working with us, your conscious participation in establishing a nurturing, pleasurable space is essential to our overall success. We have the opportunity through this event to contribute to the positive evolution of both individuals and our community as a whole.

I came across this quote recently...

"When an old culture is dying, the new is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure." Rudolf Bahro

Where do our deepest insecurities lie? In intimate relationship, in truly connecting with other human beings. We are afraid we will be seen to be lacking or unlovable in some way; we are afraid no one wants to love the real, authentic us...that we are too weird, too edgy, too perverted to be worthy of love and attention. But there are 50 of us in this room willing to be insecure about our bodies or our ways of having sex or watching other people have sex our even ways of contributing the event. We are living on the edge of our fear, creating new culture based on creativity, positive sexuality and healthy loving.

This event is an opportunity for other people to face their fears, to allow themselves to risk--but not too much--because they know that we have their back. They are safe. And then they realize that we are actually excited to see them come out of their shells, that we actually want to share this experience with them and they become part of our community, growing this new culture we're building.

Thank you for indulging my need to address this particular aspect of what we do. I know everyone here has a different reason for being here. Some are similar to mine, some are very different. I respect them all. I just ask that you use that reason, whatever it is that turns you on and makes you happy, as fuel for the conscious thought and emotion you put into your contribution to the event.

Namaste and thank you for reading.