Home & Care of the Soul

This is a different sort of writing exploration. I am sitting at home tonight feeling immense appreciation for the space I live in, the sacred space in which I care for myself and my daughter. I feel inspired to go stream of consciousness in this moment of gratitude so big it brings me tears.

One of my favorite authors is Thomas Moore, who writes about the importance of soul...

"It is impossible to define precisely what the soul is. Definition is an intellectual enterprise anyway; the soul prefers to imagine. We know intuitively that soul has to do with genuineness and depth, as when we say certain music has soul or a remarkable person is soulful. When you look closely at the image of soulfulness, you see that it is tied to life in all its particulars - good food (music, art, writing, too!), satisfying conversation, genuine friends and experiences that stay in the memory and touch the heart. Soul is revealed in attachment, love, and community, as well as in retreat on behalf of inner communing and intimacy...

Tradition teaches that soul lies midway between understanding and unconcsiousness, and that its instrument is neither the mind or the body, but imagination...

What we need is soul, holding together mind and body, ideas and life, spirituality and the world."

Care of the soul is caring for ourselves through caring for our bodies and senses, our home and family, our pleasure and creativity, our spirituality and community relationship, etc. It's paying attention to those little things that feel sacred, call to us, and bring us joy.

Part of a soulful life is creating a soulful home, a home that suits our quirky soulful tastes, and then caring for that home. Filling our shelves with sentimental momentos or things we find beautiful is creating a soulful space. The act of doing dishes or sweeping the floor can be a sacred and soulful activity.

I love my home. Living in The Barn on the Creek has transformed a half-visioned dream into an incredibly joyful home life. My last home was not a good place for me for the last few years I was there. It was neglected by the landlords, moldy and falling apart. It also felt like negative emotional energy from my marriage seemed to permeate the walls. I got into patterns of neglect and felt near daily negativity about the space. For a Cancer woman, for whom sacred home space is deeply important, my home life was impoverished for far too long and it hurt me in significant ways. Moving into The Barn was my biggest act of radical self-care this past year.

I have always desired some color on my walls. Color brings soul to a home. I love the deep green of the kitchen cupboards (it matches my couch), the various watery blues in the bathroom, and the painting of the mountain lion in the woods on the inside of my front door. I even love the two different shades of mauve carpet I have in my giant bedroom. I love that two of my livingroom walls are half windows that look out into redwood forest - so many shades of green and brown that change with the weather and the seasons.

I love that I can hear the creek and other sources of water flowing every time I step out the door. I love that it's big enough to comfortably host 10-20 people for a variety of reasons...a spiritual gathering or a slumber party. I love the empowerment I feel in being a mountain woman - chopping my own wood, creating the warmth that we need in the woodstove, meeting and dealing with critters - learning how to take care of my home and family in new ways.

I love the things I surround myself with, the soul I bring to my home:

* art from my sister, my children, friends and myself on walls throughout the house;

* a hag marionette doll from Venice gifted by my sister hanging over my kitchen counter (I call her my kitchen witch);

* the magnet poetry on my refrigerator (sex is deep art);

* the bookshelves and books in three rooms -- science fiction an fantasy, dark children's stories, poetry, subculture and bohemian explorations, good literature, women, creativity, spirituality, consciousness and quantum physics;

* the altar on my kitchen table left over from the last spiritual gathering I hostessed;

* my personal altar by my bed, most especially the tiny bottle of years upon years of Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence glitter and make-up, a recent sacred gift from a Sister friend;

* the few remaining houseplants that have survived all of my moods and neglect over 15 years, as well as the Barn's extreme temperatures (especially the ones inherited from my mom);

* the images of the sacred feminine on my bedroom walls;

* my little altars to roses everywhere;

* and the wall-to-floor shelves and dresser in the hallway stuffed with art supplies (there's another table and bins with art supplies in my room as well).

I have a soulful home. Most people comment on it's beauty and comfort when they visit the first time. And I am finding that I want to be in it more and more, just for the sake of being here. It actually brings me joy to be here and to live the rituals of caring for myself, my daughter and this place that holds our daily life.

As I sit here drinking my tea and looking out on the gorgeous bounty of beauty in the Redwoods, I feel held by the Earth and my own continuous acts of self care through nurturing a soulful home.

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Image Credit: My Daughter's photographs of The Barn and surrounding land. Another joyful boon about this place is that photography is her bliss and she loves wandering the woods to take pictures.

Thoughts on Polyamory

Tonight my business partner asked me if I have really considered that polyamory may not be part of who I am right now. I have considered it, very deeply. What I am experiencing is excruciating at times. I have asked myself many, many times if it's worth it. And I absolutely believe that it is, not only because I believe polyamory is an authentic expression of who I am and what I know about love, but because I also know what I know about fear.

My emotional reactions to Knight's new relationship are all based in fear. The topsy-turvy feeling in my belly is fear. I will not live a life based on fear, especially in my relationships. I have already lived fear, contraction and making myself smaller than I really am. I have watched the people I love choose fear. My mother died at the hands of her fear. My ex-husband lives his life through a computer because of his fear. When any of us hurt ourselves or each other, it is always in fear.

I choose love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there. I will sit through the fear, the heartache, the bellyaches, the memories, the insights, the breakthroughs and everything else in order to have love. I will work, like I have worked all my life, to create a life of joy, intimacy and creativity with Knight, my tribe and all the loves who come into our lives in the time we are together.

I know that once I work through the fear, I am capable of compersion. I know what it is to be desired and loved by Knight. It's a gift and one that should be shared. I cannot possess it. I cannot ask him to hold it back from others, to diminish his light when he feels drawn to shine it in sexual and/or emotional ways. If the relationship turns out to be long-term, rather than fear Knight's new lover, I would like to get to know her and to understand the opportunity in her for his capacity to love to deepen.

I believe in love. I know with all of my being that love can overcome my fear. Not just the love between Knight and I, but the love for myself that I am slowly growing, and the love from my friends as they bear witness and support me where they can, and the love of the Divine that flows through me when I am not afraid to let it. I believe that God, my community and I can love me into healing. I believe that the light that Knight shines in his love for me inspires me to burn brighter in my capacity to love (and vice versa). I will not walk away from it in fear.

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As I consider the work of my heart, I keep coming back to something a spiritual teacher told me a few years ago. I was in a state of self-pity about how much trauma I've had to endure in my life. He told me that he felt that my purpose was to learn how to live through these traumas and heal them so that I could help others navigate their way through. Instead of going to university to become a psychologist, I am living the life of healing so that I can share my story and the tools that I am learning to use along the way.

I have overcome so many things: emotional abuse and a neglect as a child, a mentally ill mother, an alcoholic/drug addict stepfather, sexual molestation at 11, teen pregnancy/motherhood, single mothering, a gun to my head, rape resulting in another child, more single mothering, Borderline Personality Disorder (and all the consequences of acting out), and an extremely unhealthy and violent marriage.

What I am experiencing now is nothing in comparison to those traumas. This isn't trauma, this is fear of trauma. I can overcome this incredible fear that came from all of those things I have experienced. What I am afraid of is what happened before, not what is happening now. What is happening now is that I am in the most loving and healthy relationship of my life (even with its issues). What is happening now is that I have found someone willing to give me everything I have ever wanted -- to be known and loved for everything that I am, light and darkness, and to grow consciously together towards less fear and deeper love.

Sitting with my fear and feelings while my lover has a joyful, loving experience with another person is not the most horrible thing in the world. Facing my fear so that I can have compersion for his other relationships is something worth working towards. I believe that all relationships have spiritual purpose--that we are drawn to people who can help us wake up to greater love, if we do the work in relationship to them. If this is true, then every woman that Knight is authentically drawn to has the potential of waking him up to more love, which then allows him to share more love with me. The same goes for me and my other relationships when they happen.

I have been looking for love, and actively desiring to overcome the fear in my heart and home, since I was 14 years old and started reading every book that Leo Buscaglia wrote. I have known about and believed I am poly since I was 21. If you look at my bookshelf you will find many titles with the word Love, or which have ideas about how to experience more love in life. My life is about love, experiencing it in every possible way, as deep as it can possibly go. I can't and I won't choose anything else.

I believe that everything about who Knight is, including his authentic desire for polyamory, is here to wake me up to greater love. I believe that what I am going through right now is absolutely necessary if I am to have the vibrant life of love and creativity that I desire. I also believe it's absolutely necessary so that I can help my community move into lives of vibrant love, too.

I had the thought today that maybe there are other people who struggle with emotional and mental health issues that desire to be poly, but maybe having a more difficult time like I am because of brain chemistry or really fucked up childhoods or whatever. When I read resources about polyamory, what I don't see is someone addressing the deeper issues that result in intense jealousy and fear-based reactions to our partner's other relationships. Some of us have psychological (and spiritual) work to do in order for poly to be workable. I wonder how many people might be giving up too soon because they don't know what they need to make it work?

Just questions for now, but possibly another piece of the puzzle. There are a lot of serendipities pointing the direction towards me doing work with people around emotional-mental-spiritual health.

I Love My Life

This has been an amazing weekend and it not over yet. It is Sunday, shortly after noon. I have just come off of a couple of rich intimacy experiences on Friday and Saturday nights and am headed into another one. I am home for awhile, checking email and Facebook, connecting with my daughter, unexpectedly connecting with one of my best friends, weed-eating the yard, and grateful for the time to reflect before I head to (potentially) the last Fire.

Our tribe has had a tradition of Eat, Drink, Burn during the summer months the last couple years. Two dear friends have a fire circle in their backyard and we have a gathering of abundance. Everyone is asked to bring something to share -- something to eat, drink or burn (and burn can be interpreted in many ways). Initiation to the Fire requires a story. One must offer a story to the Fire, the presence in the gathering that is consistent every week. A story doesn't have to be a true story, or in story form. Some have offered songs or poetry. These rituals of connection have made for a different experience of intimacy than we get from other events or gatherings.

Some Fires have ritual intentions, especially if there is a holy day of some kind nearby. Today we honor Graduation, as we have several graduates of Humboldt State University in our midst. There are other metaphorical graduations taking place right now as well. The hosts of Fire are leaving Humboldt to start a new life adventure as one pursues her doctorate. One of my closest friends just left her secure, traditionally successful job to embrace the life of her heart. I am certain I will learn of other graduations tonight. And then there's me, going through this.

I am graduating from a state of fear consciousness into a greater experience of love. And I am amazed at how quickly the Universe is responding to my loving intention. As I shift my intention daily towards a spiritual and loving perspective, the Universe offers me situations in which to experience the life I am dreaming is possible. As I practice my self-care, I am gifted with unexpected support from friends and community. As I practice open-heartedness, I am gifted with incredible intimacy.

Friday night I somewhat reluctantly went to a private play party. I was tired. I didn't know who would be there or what the energy would be like. But at the last minute I felt an intuitive knudge to be open. Knight decided to attend this party at the last minute as well. I learned this minutes before leaving, so I called in order to negotiate expectations. I didn't want to assume he would want to be intimate with me and I didn't want to assume that he wouldn't play with someone else. We determined we were both open to play with each other and imagined that if play with others did happen, it would be light bdsm rather than sex. It could be challenging but it could also be fun. An opportunity to experience compersion.

On my drive to the party I shifted myself towards an open-hearted and loving intention. I focused my thoughts and energy on being open to connection, not just with Knight but with whomever was there. And I know it is this intent that led to the remarkable experience that followed.

The party was great. The mix of people was different than I had experienced before, but we had fun, good conversation and some beautiful play. I watched two dear friends wrestle and giggle. I got turned on by an impact play scene. And I witnessed a community member have what I believe to be a heart-opening and life-changing play experience.

And then Knight and I spontaneously flowed into a threesome with a friend of mine. There was a woman at the party with whom I have a flirtacious history. On my side there is a fairly strong attraction to her sexually, emotionally and creatively. We almost dated a couple years ago but life carried us elsewhere and we've only had occasional social interactions since. When I sat by her and we started talking, the chemistry was strong. We were touching without even thinking about it. I think Knight sensed it, because he initiated the idea of a light bdsm scene with us co-topping her. It just flowed from there, more into sexual expression than bdsm. It was beautiful. I'll likely write a separate post about the meaning it holds for me in my unfolding relationship with Knight, polymory and my queer identity.

On Saturday Knight fulfilled a wish of mine. I have been strongly desiring a heavy impact scene as an opportunity for cathartic emotional release. I wanted a beating. I surrender as a submissive to heavy impact scenes because the physical, energetic and emotional intensity of those scenes helps me to process my emotional life, especially during phases of intense transformation. A scene is a ritual expression in the physical world of my submission to the Divine in the spiritual world. I am grateful to have Knight, who understands this dance between the physical, emotional and spiritual, desire to give such an experience to me. There is a new richness in surrendering so deeply to him with what we're going through. He gave me exactly what I needed in every way and our intimacy has deepened because of it.

I love my life. I am so blessed to be a witness to and participant in these intimate experiences. What most people don't understand about the sex-positive lifestyle is that it allows for the most incredible experiences of relationship -- not just with lovers, but with friends and community members. It isn't just about the sex and bdsm. Not everyone is polyamorous, nor does everyone come to events to play. It's about the incredible intimacy, the sharing and connection that happens when people let their guard down and just be themselves.

As a culture, we are so focused on the idea of marriage/life-partnership as the ultimate expression of relationship and give up the potential experiences of intimacy that we can have with others--whether other lovers, intimate friends or community involvements. We make the primary relationship our end all and be all and then wonder why the majority of us can't make it work, at least not in a healthy way. For most of us it takes a community to meet all of our needs. We can't do it on our own, and we can't expect one other person to do it either.

I believe it is possible to create a life in which we can have all of our needs met. And I think that's what my tribe is striving for. Because we learn how to negotiate getting our sexual needs met, whatever they might be, we also learn how to negotiate getting our other needs met -- our needs for emotional intimacy, friendship and community, work we love and creative expression. As we express our authenticity around pleasure and sex, we become more authentic in every other aspect of our lives. Sex-positive community is a crucible for conscious evolution. You dive in deep enough with us and you can't escape it.

I love my life. And I love that I get to share it with so many remarkable people...like you. Thank you for witnessing.

Happiness Exists in Action

"When we give the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us. Happiness exists in action, it exists in telling the truth - telling what your truth is; and giving away what you want the most." Eve Ensler

I've been contemplating keeping a public journal of my life as an Impress for awhile now and it seems today is the day it is meant to begin. What is an Impress you may wonder? It's a loving nickname given to my partners and I by members of our Imp Tribe. I am one of three women who head up The Impropriety Society, a sex positive organization in a rural northern California community that produces erotic parties and educational workshops. I've also been thinking, and others have suggested, that documenting our process of production and growth could be useful to other communities who strive to create similar experiences for themselves.

It turns out that what we do is actually quite unique. We are a pansexual organization, meaning that we invite and welcome every sort of sexual expression (as long as it does not cause harm to another). We bring the kinksters, the swingers, the furries, the voyeurs, the exhibitionists, and every other sort of sexual being together to share in creating fun, creative and transformative erotic events. We produce large parties (200-300 attendees and staff) twice a year and Society Socials (~100 attendees and staff) the other months of the year. We also strive to provide a variety of educational workshops on topics ranging from BDSM to fetish exploration to communication/negotiation in sex and kink play. We have people who drive up from the Bay area to experience our events because nobody is doing the inclusive thing in the city right now. While there is access to all kinds of sexual exploration in the city, the events are segregated by interest. But our community is so small, we can't really sustain individual groups. The beauty of this limitation is that we are learning a lot about others who share our desire to express our authentic erotic selves but do so in many different and incredible ways. We are expanding our consciousness and our understanding of what it is to be human, and experiencing a whole lot of amazing connection in the process.

On a personal level, some may wonder why I do this. As I share our story here, it will become clear why I consider this to be the most blissful work I have ever participated in and why it is about so much more than throwing sexy parties. I am giving the world what I want most: the space for authenticity, creativity, healing and transformation. And love. I believe that most of us are inhibited in sharing our love even though it is the deepest longing of our hearts to do so, therefore I am striving for an openness to expressions of love on every level, from the personal with my self and my tribemates, to the collective with my local community and extending outward to my human family. I believe that much of the dysfunction in our families and culture is a direct result of sexual repression, so I strive to offer people an opportunity to express their truth and find their happiness in it.

This blog will document both the evolution of the Imps as we strive towards growing into a permanent space/community center and my own evolution as an Impress. We have been doing this work for a year and a half. I will do my best to both document the present and the past. In the spirit of sharing some of our history, I will post a few older journal entries written for a blog I was keeping last year at a social networking site and then fill in the spaces as I am inspired to. I will also strive to write at least weekly our current story as it unfolds.

Namaste and thank you for listening.