Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Tight Rope

I feel as though I am walking a tight rope. I must strike an intricate balance to take full responsibility for my fear based choices and the resulting consequences without falling into shame, humiliation and regret. I must allow the grief for what is lost to move through me while maintaining a bigger perspective on the perfection of what is unfolding. It is an unsettling teeter totter. I start to fall and try to lean back into a more loving story. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I lose my balance, fall into the dark and then have to do the work of climbing up the ladder to the light again.

Last night's revelation that I have become that which I most fear, and that which I have been unable to forgive in others, weighs heavily on my heart today. For as long as I can remember I have said that I do not want to become my mother. I have consciously worked on my mental-emotional-spiritual health for 15+ years so that I do not become my mother. And yet here I am, making similar fear-based choices. I spent so much time fearing that Knight would choose something or someone else over his love for me, that I couldn't see how I was choosing to live in my fear rather than my love for him. I am astounded that I've lost control of my emotional life to this degree.

It seems like it should be easy to choose love, but it isn't, not when you've been living a fear-story since birth. Choosing love takes incredible intention and attention. Right now it requires nearly minute-by-minute vigilance as I witness what unfolds in my mind and heart as I go through my day. And isn't just about choosing love in my relationship to my self and Knight. It's about choosing love in every interaction at work, at home, and in my community.

Right now choosing love means forgiving myself, Knight, my mother and my ex-husband for choosing love over fear. Because of this experience, I have a new depth of compassion for all of us.

Choosing love means actively rewriting my stories, both past and present. It's time to transform my wounded stories into something more empowering. When the stories start looping in my head, I must be vigilant about stopping them in their tracks and redirecting them toward love.

Choosing love means holding back from reaching out through text or phone call every time my heart longs for him because I need to learn how to act from love rather than yearning and habit. It means trusting that just because we no longer talk every day, or share life the way we did, we are still connected and he still loves me.

Choosing love means believing I am lovable.

Choosing love means trusting that remaining open-hearted and vulnerable despite the heartache will bring healing.

Choosing love means taking action towards self-care. To care for my body I am walking every day. To care for my mind I am writing. To care for my heart I am giving myself permission to grieve without turning it to suffering. To care for my soul I am nurturing my relationship to the Divine through prayer and paying attention to the abundant sources of guidance and support being offered on my behalf every single day.

Choosing love means walking this tightrope until it transforms into a comfortable walking path towards my growth and healing.

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