Saturday, January 22, 2011

Sexuality Meet Divine Spark

"...don’t talk to me about health benefits of sex and how to score the guy. Talk to me about being fully alive and harnessing the amazing energies within to create beautiful, transformative art, love, partnerships and a better world. Talk to me about sex that breathes erotic play, seduces me to fall off the edge of control, and dissolves, for a moment, life and death. Talk to me about the mystery of sex.

In its highest sense, our sexuality is a gateway to spirit, to the place where humanity meets divinity, and as such it is sacred. It offers us a readily available opportunity to experience the ecstatic union we all long for. If...that is...we dare surrender so deeply to the erotic dance, with ourselves, with each other.

I want to make love to life. What about you?"
Lone Morch


Kelly Diels says she's good at sex.

I am realizing that I am good at sex, too. Really good.

And I'm wondering if it's kinda crazy to say so. This is one of those "who am I to ______" kinda moments. But I'm choosing vulnerability. It is this year's mission after all. And I'm honoring that it's just as authentic to say I am good at sex as it is to say I am good at writing.

I am good at sex and it isn't because of the shape of my body or how traditionally beautiful I am (not), nor is it because I know how to flirt and seduce really well, nor do I have a toolkit of well-practiced techniques.

I am good at sex because I give all of myself and because I have deep intuition about how to give another person love and pleasure.

Last night I had a magical experience with a long time friend who became a lover. He mirrored me through words, told me what he saw come out in me when I opened my erotic-emotional palette to him. Hearing myself witnessed and described in such a way, and noticing my visceral response to it, helped me piece together something that has been taking shape in my consciousness over the last year.

Something is opening in me, something that's always been hinted at in my sexual life but has yet to find full expression, although I'm getting closer all the time. Is this what reaching my sexual peak is about? Or is it something more?

It started with Knight and I thought that it was because of him, our crazy intense chemistry and good loving. But now that I've had other lovers, I find that it's inside of me and it's getting bigger, stronger, brighter.

It came out at the holiday social last month, the one I was so afraid to attend. I chose love for myself and my community rather than my fear of what might happen and the night stunned me. The entire night I flowed from one intimate connection to another, sometimes a kiss, sometimes a dance, sometimes a flirtatious conversation. Every interaction had an erotic charge based in love. And I had the potential of six play partners that night, which had never happened before (and I have no expectations of happening again). They were close friends or already lovers or a new friend who I felt would likely become a lover (and did). I had fantastic experiences with three of them and experienced a distinct lack of inhibition in my play and my connection with them in every case. I lost myself in the experience with them, gave everything I had to give in that moment, completely unaware of the party going on around me. I have to admit that at moments I felt like a sex goddess -- the full embodiment of Woman -- empowered, confident, and incredibly sexy.

Passion • To ignite. To feel all there is to feel. And to be OK with that. life by me

I love sex. I love the intimacy of kissing and licking and sucking and opening myself to penetration and riding someone to incredible orgasms. I love the play of giving and receiving, the play of assertion and receptivity, the play of dominance and submission. I love the experience of surrender to intimacy and nakedness and raw sexual hunger with another person.

Sex is not about getting hard or getting off, although they are wonderful flavors to taste in the vast buffet of erotic experience. Sex is always something more. My erotic palette blends the fiery red of raw physical hunger in my cunt with the watery blue of emotion held in my heart with the vibrant indigo of Sacred awareness that imbues my whole being. Sex is incredible magic.

I am very present during sex, giving the fullness of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am very aware of how deep sex goes, especially kinky or power exchange kind of sex. That's why I can't do much casual, stranger sex. When I get sexual, I want to go as deep into the energy of shared pleasure as I can. I suck a man's cock passionately because I'm expressing my deep care for that man and appreciation of his beautiful masculinity. I thrust from the core of my being into the core of another woman when I fuck her with my hand because her emotional receptivity drives me wild. I need emotional traction for a good sexual experience.

Once I have it, it's on.

I love sex and it shows. I love having a curvy body and the ways that I can make it move when I'm beneath someone or on top of someone...and most especially when I'm dancing with or for someone. I love my hips - so much that I love the poetic anthems to the power of hips by Lucille Clifton and Maya Angelou. I love my mouth, all of the things I can feel and do with lips and tongue and teeth, and especially the way my mouth can bring someone so much pleasure. I love that I've been told by my last five lovers that I am great at giving head, not because I am I want to be special, but because it means I made them feel really, really, really good. Nothing makes me happier than to bring joy to others. I love that I am all woman with the fleshy body of a two-time mother and a receptive nature that takes people in and holds them in holiness in the temple of my cunt and my heart. I love that I have lovers who realize the sacredness of this gift. The more that gift is seen, the more I am driven to give it.

Being an empath, I feel my lover's orgasms.

Sex is so sacred to me because I can feel people inside of my heart as well as my body. It's uncomfortable or painful for me to be with someone who isn't fully present, who is just looking to get off, who goes only as deep as skin and isn't interested in the energy we are sharing. I think a lot of my friends don't quite understand that. But I am really glad I am wired this way. When I find a good partner, I get triple the pleasure in every experience - my pleasure, their pleasure and the magic of our combined energy.

I used to be a touch healer.

I used to do energy work on people and help them alleviate symptoms or heal physical issues. It started when I would give friends or lovers massages and they would say that they felt I had a healing touch because they felt a shift during or after my the experience. I learned to direct that energy purposefully. Now I can direct energy like that when I touch people sensually or sexually. I believe my passion for touch, for consciously channeling my care and love through my fingertips, can be healing.

These are all pieces of the puzzle. I am trying to figure out the shape of my Divine Spark and I believe it's time to honor that my sexuality is a significant part of it, in my personal relationships and in the work I am called to do in the world. It's so interesting that I can often feel the shape of other people's Divine Sparks to great specificity, yet I have struggled so long to recognize the shape of my own. Although I've been an erotic hostess the last three years, I have been focused on the advancement of the sex-positive philosophy and the sexual expression of others far more than my own. While I have become more vulnerable and uninhibited in my sexual expression in my personal life and at events, I've also continued to limit myself in significant ways out of insecurity (or lack of play partner who desires to go where I desire to go).

Now I see what has truly attracted me to sex-positive work all this time, and the explorations of the last year into sluttiness and sexual submission - it's all driven by my own expression and exploration of the profound mystery of sex.

I am being offered opportunities to explore the depth of my sexual passion - to feel everything there is to feel in sharing erotic energy with others.

In my personal life I have been offered an exploration of complete sexual submission to my dear friend turned lover mentioned above. I have come to understand that the explorations in sluttiness and sexual domination last summer were a little misdirected. I desire to experience complete sexual submission as an expression of uninhibited love and devotion for another person. I am not a stereotypical slut that feeds my raw sexual hunger through many casual encounters. I am a slut who gives that raw sexual hunger to one person I deeply respect to do with as they wish. There is a deep expression of love woven into the deep arousal that comes from submission and raw sexual expression. I am so turned on by the potential of playing with someone with whom I have a deep bond and can be completely vulnerable.

My greatest turn on is love. And it doesn't have to be the big fireworks, all encompassing, you're-the-one romantic love. It can be love with anyone whom I share chemistry with. I am finally understanding the dance between the lover of sex and the lover of love within me.

At the community level of sharing my erotic divine spark -- this next party is a new opportunity for me. Instead of hostess, I will be co-head of vibes. I won't be exhausted from spending two days (several weeks) setting up the event. I will be focused on my strongest area of contribution and leadership. I am excited about the possibility of shining my light brighter than ever in the party environment. Drawing on the energy of this sexual vitality that I'm unearthing can help me do that. It's my hope and desire to contribute to and role-model an empowered sexiness through vulnerability while working and in my play. It won't be about whether or how or with whom I play. It will be about me being turned on (there are so many things about a party to fall in love with and turn you on without a partner) and really embodying my erotic power in everything I say and do.

I'll tell you what feeling this erotic power grow in me is doing -- it's causing me to fall head over heels in love with all of my life. I am more engaged in everything and everyone. I am more aware of all kinds of sensual pleasures and I experience delight many moments throughout the day. And cultivating so much yummy goodness makes it easier to choose good stories when I am in the complicated and messy and painful moments. Reinforcing joy in my life on a daily basis is making it easier to trust in the goodness of every situation, no matter how confusing or seemingly hurtful.

I am making love with life and I am truly beginning to feel that life is making love to me in return.

Or like Gnarls Barkley happens to be singing to me right now, "Maybe I'm crazy."

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Home & Care of the Soul

This is a different sort of writing exploration. I am sitting at home tonight feeling immense appreciation for the space I live in, the sacred space in which I care for myself and my daughter. I feel inspired to go stream of consciousness in this moment of gratitude so big it brings me tears.

One of my favorite authors is Thomas Moore, who writes about the importance of soul...

"It is impossible to define precisely what the soul is. Definition is an intellectual enterprise anyway; the soul prefers to imagine. We know intuitively that soul has to do with genuineness and depth, as when we say certain music has soul or a remarkable person is soulful. When you look closely at the image of soulfulness, you see that it is tied to life in all its particulars - good food (music, art, writing, too!), satisfying conversation, genuine friends and experiences that stay in the memory and touch the heart. Soul is revealed in attachment, love, and community, as well as in retreat on behalf of inner communing and intimacy...

Tradition teaches that soul lies midway between understanding and unconcsiousness, and that its instrument is neither the mind or the body, but imagination...

What we need is soul, holding together mind and body, ideas and life, spirituality and the world."

Care of the soul is caring for ourselves through caring for our bodies and senses, our home and family, our pleasure and creativity, our spirituality and community relationship, etc. It's paying attention to those little things that feel sacred, call to us, and bring us joy.

Part of a soulful life is creating a soulful home, a home that suits our quirky soulful tastes, and then caring for that home. Filling our shelves with sentimental momentos or things we find beautiful is creating a soulful space. The act of doing dishes or sweeping the floor can be a sacred and soulful activity.

I love my home. Living in The Barn on the Creek has transformed a half-visioned dream into an incredibly joyful home life. My last home was not a good place for me for the last few years I was there. It was neglected by the landlords, moldy and falling apart. It also felt like negative emotional energy from my marriage seemed to permeate the walls. I got into patterns of neglect and felt near daily negativity about the space. For a Cancer woman, for whom sacred home space is deeply important, my home life was impoverished for far too long and it hurt me in significant ways. Moving into The Barn was my biggest act of radical self-care this past year.

I have always desired some color on my walls. Color brings soul to a home. I love the deep green of the kitchen cupboards (it matches my couch), the various watery blues in the bathroom, and the painting of the mountain lion in the woods on the inside of my front door. I even love the two different shades of mauve carpet I have in my giant bedroom. I love that two of my livingroom walls are half windows that look out into redwood forest - so many shades of green and brown that change with the weather and the seasons.

I love that I can hear the creek and other sources of water flowing every time I step out the door. I love that it's big enough to comfortably host 10-20 people for a variety of reasons...a spiritual gathering or a slumber party. I love the empowerment I feel in being a mountain woman - chopping my own wood, creating the warmth that we need in the woodstove, meeting and dealing with critters - learning how to take care of my home and family in new ways.

I love the things I surround myself with, the soul I bring to my home:

* art from my sister, my children, friends and myself on walls throughout the house;

* a hag marionette doll from Venice gifted by my sister hanging over my kitchen counter (I call her my kitchen witch);

* the magnet poetry on my refrigerator (sex is deep art);

* the bookshelves and books in three rooms -- science fiction an fantasy, dark children's stories, poetry, subculture and bohemian explorations, good literature, women, creativity, spirituality, consciousness and quantum physics;

* the altar on my kitchen table left over from the last spiritual gathering I hostessed;

* my personal altar by my bed, most especially the tiny bottle of years upon years of Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence glitter and make-up, a recent sacred gift from a Sister friend;

* the few remaining houseplants that have survived all of my moods and neglect over 15 years, as well as the Barn's extreme temperatures (especially the ones inherited from my mom);

* the images of the sacred feminine on my bedroom walls;

* my little altars to roses everywhere;

* and the wall-to-floor shelves and dresser in the hallway stuffed with art supplies (there's another table and bins with art supplies in my room as well).

I have a soulful home. Most people comment on it's beauty and comfort when they visit the first time. And I am finding that I want to be in it more and more, just for the sake of being here. It actually brings me joy to be here and to live the rituals of caring for myself, my daughter and this place that holds our daily life.

As I sit here drinking my tea and looking out on the gorgeous bounty of beauty in the Redwoods, I feel held by the Earth and my own continuous acts of self care through nurturing a soulful home.


Image Credit: My Daughter's photographs of The Barn and surrounding land. Another joyful boon about this place is that photography is her bliss and she loves wandering the woods to take pictures.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Claiming Pieces of Myself: The Teacher

Every year, instead of setting New Year's resolutions, I choose a word that I intend to embody. This year the word is vulnerability. Tonight I am choosing to be vulnerable by sharing the struggle I am having with expressing an aspect of my authentic self.

I have a sense that there will be multiple posts about claiming different aspects of myself in the coming months. Some are a reclaiming of a part of myself I gave up at some point in my past (artist, healer), some are a claiming of something I've never fully embraced.

“The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.” Kahlil Gibran

An archetype and expression of my gifts that I have been long avoiding is that of Teacher. While I have become comfortable with facilitating spaces for people to be creative, learn or connect in various ways, I have avoided being the "expert" at the front of the room as much as possible. I've become more comfortable leading trainings for the Imps, but I try to use interactive activities and learning through discussion more than talking to groups of people. I don't feel comfortable being the center of attention in that way. I worry that I am uninteresting and boring everyone in the room, especially since I'm not funny. I am insecure about my authority in any subject matter. And I worry that my ideas for interaction are silly or weird.

In high school I dreamed of being a teacher. It was the first time I felt a calling. I desired to teach high school English and Theater. I desired to be like the few amazing teachers I had and make a difference in the lives of teens, especially troubled teens who weren't seen by others. I didn't want any teen to go through school feeling unseen. But I gave up the idea of teaching at the end of my college education because I found art and thought that if I became a high school teacher I would give my whole heart to the kids and have nothing left for my own creativity. I don't know if this is true, I just know that teaching in the institution of public education was really not the place for me (too much of the Rebel archetype in me).

A year after college I fell into a job as a teacher - I ran an employment training center for welfare-to-work participants. I taught basic math, reading, writing and computer skills, as well as developed a soft skills curriculum. Even then I avoided standing in front of the room talking to the entire class as much as I could. One-to-one I was fine. Small groups were ok. But the more focus on me as the center of attention, the more uncomfortable I was. I ignored several ideas I had for activities that might have actually been fun and engaging but I was too scared to be the one to tell other adults to do something different. I was afraid to be vulnerable and to ask for their vulnerability (although there were other ways I invited their vulnerability through writing exercises).

Then for 7 years I didn't do any teaching at all (although I've nearly always been writing/blogging).

With the Imps I've felt the need to step into the teacher role around the concept of Vibes and creating safe emotional spaces for erotic exploration. I give a short talk about Vibes and holding space at the all staff training and co-facilitate the Vibes crew training for every event. I am so passionate about the Vibes concept and its importance in the success of our events that I no longer have insecurities about "teaching" this specific topic. I have a confidence when I speak in this context that I've never experienced before.

Now I am facilitating these sex-positive spiritual gatherings and I am scared about teaching. I have a lot of knowledge and insight to share regarding self-development and the spiritual path. I've been studying psychological and spiritual material since I was 16. If there's anything I'm an expert in, it's purposeful evolution and transformation through the application of psycho-spiritual tools and wisdom. Yet I don't trust that anyone really desires to hear what I have to say about these things. I think more about how to generate discussion than what I have to share from my own knowledge on the next gathering's topic.

I also met with a friend in the Bay Area over New Year's weekend and brainstormed possibilities for co-facilitating a workshop on women's sexual empowerment. She put out an invitation for co-collaborators and I felt immediately inspired to respond. It's a chance to develop myself more fully as a workshop facilitator and to introduce myself and what I have to offer to the Bay Area community.

I know that I have been called to teaching all of my life. I have been called to share what I learn through writing in public forums. But I am also called to teach to groups of people in person. I can feel it in my bones. And yet I am so afraid of it, so resistant. I am contemplating ideas for breaking through this resistance, for combining teaching and interactivity in ways that are comfortable for me, for using the spiritual gatherings as a training ground.

As I write this I realize for the first time that the people who are coming to my gatherings are doing so because they trust me and they believe I have something of value to share with them. They are my right people and I need to trust that they are interested in what I have to share as long as I follow my heart. Or if they come and realize they aren't my right people, that's ok for everyone involved. They just have other people and community that are right for them. This is an amazing opportunity for me not to take rejection personally and to see what happens when I act fully from my heart and spirit.

I imagine it will take me time to figure this teaching thing out...exactly how it works for me to both stretch my edges yet also honor my unique feelings about teaching (which is really about facilitating the space for people to have insights into themselves and the world). It will take time for me to embody my authority in what I'm qualified to share. But I will use my theme for 2011 - vulnerability - to guide me into claiming my inner teacher and letting her fly.


Image Source: Lisa Valder