Monday, May 10, 2010

The Free Pass at the Campout

Speaking of living the Love Story...

Last Saturday was the staff party for the Prom. Two weeks after every large event, the Imps have a staff decompression and appreciation party. This time we had a campout at a lovely spot with redwoods and wild flowers in a lodge with a giant fire place in the center of the room.

Knight and I started negotiating the staff party soon after the break-up. We knew it could be a difficult experience. We have been to every Imps event as a couple since we met. Most of the time I was convinced that I would only stay for the decompression. I believed that the grief would be too overwhelming and it wouldn't be good for me (or anyone else) to stay.

A couple days before the event, I asked Knight what his ideal situation for the staff party would be and he indicated that he desired to have a shared play experience, which ultimately led to an expressed openness to sharing intimacy on our own or with others. At first it took me some time to figure out if sharing intimacy at the party would create more suffering or not, but then the question changed to what the most loving choice would be. We could focus on our heartache, attend the party and keep our distance from one another, restraining the love and desire that still flows, being awkward and sad. Or we could take an expanded view and give ourselves a free pass to express our love for each other without inhibition or attachment.

So we chose love. It was beautiful. It was healing. And if it is the last time we are intimate, I couldn't have wished for a more joyful ending to our lover relationship. We were so incredibly present to each other and the moment. There was no grief (until the morning after). We saw each other with eyes of pure love. I believe that I see him more clearly now than I ever have. As we've untangled our entanglements and talked through our processes with openness, I have come to see and understand him better -- who he is, how he feels, why he experiences the world and our relationship the way he does. As I witness him stand in his integrity and authenticity around the necessity of change in our relationship, I see a strength I didn't know was there. As I experience his openheartedness with me, despite how I've hurt him, I finally see the profound depth of his capacity to love unconditionally.

We don't know if we will be intimate again. We agreed that nothing would change as far as our relationship transition is concerned. We have no idea what we're transitioning into. We still have processing and healing to do. We are still walking the tightrope between honoring our authentic impulses toward intimacy and breaking our habits of each other. But our experience over the weekend gives me hope. Whatever our relationship looks like, we are already transitioning to a deeper, more present experience of love. Our individual emotional and spiritual evolutions are being transformed by the continued unfolding of our relationship. We have the potential to write ourselves into an amazing love story that defies social convention.

I am voraciously reading The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma tonight. I am deeply inspired by her vision of love and relationship. My spiritual longing has been ignited by this experience and the book is reconnecting me with a spiritual perspective of my unfolding. It has been too long since I consciously nurtured my spirituality. I feel inspired and excited. I feel as though I am coming home to myself again. I hope it is the same for him.

No comments: