Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Emotional Poverty Consciousness

One of the insights I've had into our relationship experience is that we were living in emotional poverty consciousness (the Ethical Slut calls it starvation economy). We behaved as if we believed there was not enough time or love and we needed to horde all the time, attention and affection we could get. We clung to every possible moment we could squeeze out of our schedules to be together. We suffered with longing when we had to be apart. We struggled and compromised ourselves when we desired to be doing different things but didn't want to give up time with each other. We were jealous of other relationships, including friendships.

We couldn't seem to experience a sense of enough-ness. It wasn't enough that we had someone amazing to share our lives with. It wasn't enough that we were present when we could be and witnessed each other regularly. It wasn't enough that we were having the deepest, richest and most passionate experience of love that either of us had known. It wasn't enough that we did our best to support one another. It wasn't enough that we were as open-hearted, honest and communicative as we could possibly be.

I could never get enough witness from Knight. My Invisible Girl archetype would show up regularly with her stories and convince me that he wasn't seeing me. She would take everything he did personally. Every time he was self or other absorbed rather than focused on me, even when appropriately so, the stories of invisibility would be reinforced. It didn't matter how much he did witness/honor/support/appreciate me, I focused on the stories of invisibility.

Knight had his equivalent to my Invisible Girl who could not get enough in his own ways.

We both have emotional wounds from our past that keep us believing we are not enough and that we are not worthy of the abundant love that surrounds us (not just our love for each other, but the love in our friendships and community as well). These beliefs are so deep that we neglect ourselves, which indicates that we believe we are not even worth our own self-care. We have both been living in so much fear that we can not trust the love we are given. While we grasp and cling to every external sign of love, we are actually unable to really see and feel the immensity of love that others have for us. I know that we underestimated how much the other loves us and how committed the other was to sharing a life. I know we underestimate how much our friends love us and how much they desire us in their lives. How can we experience the reality of love when we are so busy wrapping ourselves in our fears?

I am cultivating a new gratitude practice in hopes of nurturing abundance consciousness and rewriting my stories of not enough. There is so much beauty in this world and in my life. I have more abundance in friendship and love, resources and money, than I ever have before. Why would the Universe give me more if I can't appreciate what I already have?

1 comment:

dzangel said...

At risk of sounding like a sappy Avatar fan, I see you! And I hear you. And I feel you. And I know you. Your experience is/was my experience except I loved 'Revolving Door Boy' - open again, closed again, open again, closed again. Everyone asks how I'm doing... ::laughing at
the irony:: opening, closing, gratitude,
grief. I am a lotus flower - I am opening, closing, rising falling.
We are not alone.
We are seen.