Your Life Is Your Art (said Anais Nin)

I love Fall. I am sitting here with my laptop drinking a cup of tea, warmed by the roaring fire in the woodstove, surrounded on two sides by views of the trees, sun streaming through the windows, and I find myself in a strange place of both deep comfort and unsettledness. I am sitting with a significant decision I've made to near completely change my life over the next 7-9 months.

All of my life I have been making my life from found art. I have taken what the Universe drops in my path and made the most extraordinary beauty I could possibly muster from it. I have transformed tragedy into treasure, at times literally turning it into service, art and poetry that impacted other people's lives in positive ways. I made motherhood my art, attempting creative mastery at holding space for my children's conscious unfolding. I've chosen unsatisfying but secure administrative work that pays well in order to provide for my children, and have learned how to become a good leader and successfully run an organization with a fairly healthy and very loving culture because of my experience.

Whatever life hands me, no matter how dark, dirty or mundane, I will transform it into something remarkable.

All of my life I have also made myself visible by serving the needs of others. I had a revelation through an NLP session with Dave Berman at Manifest Positivity that I believe I earn my visibility to others through my generosity and service. If I was not giving, then I didn't believe I was visible or lovable. I believed that I had to justify or earn my existence and love from others.

I have never taken a significant life dream of my own and brought it into reality. I haven't actually spent much time dreaming, not really. One reason is that I haven't had the time for it because I am so busy serving other people's dreams, whether it's my children's dreams, or my partner's dreams (when I have one), or my employer's dream for their organization and the dreams of the people they serve, or the dreams of the Imps community (or whatever community I'm volunteering for).

Another reason I haven't dreamed much is because I didn't believe dreams could come true for me. In my early 20's, after having to make so many sacrifices of my own desires to meet my children's needs, I stopped believing that I could have anything different. They came first and then I tried to satisfy pieces of myself wherever I could find the space (making sculptures while watching movies with the family, late night writing after everyone was asleep, occasional weekend trips to the city, etc.).

It's not that I don't have dreams, I just haven't spent much time with them. I have dreams that live in the background of my heart. Since I was a teenager I have dreamed of being a writer who touches other people's lives in a positive way by sharing my stories and the insights into being human that they've unfolded in me. I've dreamt of creating community based multi-media art projects that bring healing to groups that are in conflict. I've dreamt of telling other people's stories through art and writing, stories of people who are different and need to be understood for who they are, or people who have survived terrible things that we need to change in the world but are too damn complacent because the realities don't touch us. I used to talk about searching for some kind of grant funding that would allow me to focus on creative work (but never really believed it would happen for me).

I have also dreamed a long time of being a counselor of some kind, helping people make sense of their life stories, offer experiences that facilitate healing, and support them in living consciously. At times I've thought about it through the lens of spiritual guidance. Now maybe I would call it sex positive spiritual guidance.

Two weeks ago I decided it's time to make my dreams come true. I am going to refocus my energy into creating the work of my heart. I am going to put my energy this winter into figuring out how to transition from my current work to the work I desire to be doing with people. Steps toward this will include working through the Fire Starter Sessions (which I purchased months ago but haven't spent any time with), changing my blog home and purpose, promoting my writing, participating in establishing a sex positive peer support group, and creating/facilitating a spiritual community of some kind.

I am also planning to relocate, probably to the Bay Area, next summer. I am dreaming of finding community that meets my needs spiritually and creatively and I've never really found it in Humboldt. There are many amazing people here and I am so incredibly grateful for their presence in my life, but I've never found resonance with other artists or spiritual communities here. I feel an urban area that draws a much wider diversity of creative and spiritual people might be a better fit for me.

Shifting my focus means that I am resigning immediately as a hostess (event coordinator) for the Impropriety Society. I don't know exactly that my relationship to the Imps will look like over the coming months, but it will be changing in significant ways to make space in my life for following my heart. While I love our community and love the impact the parties have on people's lives, I am not getting my needs for personal fulfillment met by big event production. I've been serving a need I see rather than serving in ways that bring me the most joy.

I look foward to witnessing how the Imps will continue to grow and thrive in my absence. I trust my partners and the people who have stepped into leadership to both carry forward the best of who are now and create new visions of who we could be. And perhaps I will carry the Imps into my new home in some way, bringing our vision for inclusive sex positive culture into a place that has allowed diversity to keep people apart.

Whatever role the Imps play in my life from here forward, it's time for me to craft my life into the masterpiece I know it can be and will allow me to serve in ways that bring me the most joy.

Radical Self Love

I have not been loving myself well the last week and a half, hence my quiet here. I will write another post about what I've been experiencing, but I desire to share this.

A few weeks back I talked about writing a letter to myself for when I feel triggered, to remind me of everything I know when I am not in the fear-fog. This is different than the love letter I wrote to the Invisible Girl, although I think I will keep the letters together to turn to when I need them. I will be carrying this in my wallet so that I can be my own greatest friend when I feel triggered, lost and/or alone.

* * * * *

April My Love,

I am proud of you and I have faith in you, even now. You are in the midst of a psychological and spiritual awakening. You are deepening into love and healing your fear. It feels like chaos. It feels uncertain. And that is exactly right because you are challenging the conditioning of a lifetime and revolutionizing relationship. You are choosing to be a trailblazer in Love.

If you are reading this letter, it is likely you are feeling very insecure, or you have been triggered and you need trigger care. If you are immersed in fear stories (and you know what is fear and what is love), then you need to give yourself time to come out of the darkness before making *any* decisions. Remember the wreckage you have caused by believing the fog is all there is. You may feel lost and out of control, but the loving insights *always* come.

Remember that you are a spiritual being having a human experience. Your longing is a Holy Longing for yourself and for God. Try to shift your perspective to Oneness and eternal connection.

Honor your wholeness.

"Being present--rather than being emotional--is what allows real intimacy to happen." John Welwood

Please don't become your emotions. Feelings are meant to move through you, please stop gripping them so hard.

Be present. Hold space for yourself. Be your own witness and sit with yourself no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is. Trust yourself. Do not resist what comes, let it move through you. Resistance creates suffering. Hell is the rejection of things as they are.

Be kind and forgiving with yourself. It is all right that you still have places to heal. It is all right that you get triggered and break down sometimes. It is all right that you have big emotions, they are as much your gift in relating to others as they are your challenge. You are doing your best. You are not crazy and you are not your mother. You are strong, resilient and functional and you are growing into healing and deeper love. This is just another opportunity to wake up.

Keep your heart open. Remember that safety and security are illusions. Being raw and genuine, even in your heartache, is what's real.

Ask for help and support if you need it. Trust that the people who love you desire to support you -- even if they can't make the space to do so right away.

Remember that you believe in the open-heartedness of poly. Whatever you are feeling, in your body, in your heart, is a fear response. Talk to your fear. Find out what it needs for you to feel safe and loved.

"I imagine God loves in multiplicity, and with no conditions. That God has figured out that there is more than enough of her to go around, that love is never in short supply. I can't imagine God saying, sorry, I'm taken." Lori Lothian

If this involves Knight, remember that you are responsible to this relationship. Remember that commitment isn't about what we call ourselves or how much time we spend together, it's about our willingness to love and hold space for everything in each other. Remember that he is committed to you and holding space for your process. Remember that our strength comes from growing consciously together. He loves you. Trust him and trust the relationship you are building.

Remember that you love Knight for his open-heartedness. Remember that in your love for him, you desire for him to shine his light as brightly as possible – please don’t try to diminish him with your fear. You desire him to be authentic and to experience the fullest possible awakening and joy - that will involve other relationships. Find compersion for those relationships, in the spiritual perspective if necessary. Find the love in Knight's other relationships. Use your empathy to feel the joy they bring one another (you know how blessed anyone is to have Knight's love). Honor that they are opportunities to wake each other up.

Remember it has never been another person or anything other than the fear between you that has caused the rifts in intimacy and trust between you and Knight (or anyone else).

Be grateful for the ways this relationship is smacking you awake.

"...if you love someone, go deep into your own unique experience of what that love is, and just let that be who you are. Surrender to it. Build your identity upon it. You are not a person who is jealous. Not someone who's trying to control. Not even someone who's fearing. You are love experiencing itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness."

You are Love. Love your self, April, all the best ways you know how.

Self-Care Check In

A week and a half ago I committed to 30 Days of Radical Self Care. I would like to update my follow-through status on my intentions:

The truth is that I was doing great until this last weekend. It felt as though something "fell" inside of me on Saturday night, even though I had a lovely weekend with Knight and friends. I don't know why or what prompted the drop, although I have some ideas. I feel more contracted than expansive. I feel a complacent cooling off in place of the fire of transformation and motivation I was experiencing. Allergies and headaches have thrown off my physical state. Chaos at work has me feeling unsettled, scared and sad. I need to find my center again. I am focusing on that today.

*

1. Begin every day with prayer: Until a couple days ago I was reading either Prayer for Union or the Prayer for Love at the end of this post (or both) every morning. But I have been feeling compelled to pray more personally. Two days ago I changed the morning reminder on my phone (I use the calendar function to give me daily reminders of my intentions) from "prayer" to "pray for your self, your loved ones, your community and your world." Yet I am having trouble finding my voice for personal prayer and I'm easily distracted in my waking-up state. I am out of practice in talking to the Divine. I intend to explore my resistance to personal prayer through study and writing, and resume reading prayers in the meantime.

2. Write every day: I have written every day except last Saturday, when I was engaged in social engagements and never came home. I do not publish to the blog every day because sometimes I am not able to finish my posts. I am trusting Divine timing when it comes to publication.

3. Pay attention to my authentic impulses and speak my truth when I feel guided: I have definitely been speaking/writing my truth more, but I still have inhibitions that I am exploring. I have been speaking about my transformation out loud to friends more and more. And I have kept the lines of communication with Knight open no matter what.

4. Study: I have been reading from The Book of Awakening every morning. I am currently reading at least a couple pages from Love and Awakening every day (which is awesome!). Hmmm...seems to be a theme around awakening!

5. Friendship: The Universe has been gifting me with opportunities for nurturing friendship without effort. People are seeking me out to share time. It's quite lovely, but I don't want to count on others coming to me. I seek to reach out more as well, while maintaining a balance with time at home and in solitude. It would be really easy to immerse myself in social engagement, so this is an intention I need to be careful with.

6. Exercise: I did walk every single day until Monday. I didn't make the time on Monday and yesterday it was raining all day. However, I had a good hike on Sunday that was equivalent to two of my weekday walks. I think that giving myself room to miss a day and do more on other days is good. I need to make an effort to do yoga on the days I can't walk because of the weather.

7. Make better choices around food/nutrition and take a multi-vitamin every day: I have been taking the multi-vitamin, but I haven't made any changes regarding food and nutrition yet. I think I need to bring some consciousness to the idea of making nutritious choices as an act of self-love.

I am feeling good about my progress, even with the "drop" the last few days. The reality is that we are constantly changing and no matter how I strive for authentic joy and love on a day-to-day basis, I am human. I will have sick days, off-days, sad days, etc. If that is my authentic experience, then I must honor it, as long as I don't turn it into suffering.


*

(This is a prayer by Mohamed from the Islam tradition. I changed the word Light to the word Love)

Prayer for Love

“O God, place love in my heart, and on my tongue love, and in my ears love and in my sight love, and above me love, and below me love, and to my right love, and to my left love, and before me love and behind me love.

Place in my soul love. Magnify for me love and amplify for me love.

Make for me love and make me love.

O God, grant me love, and place love in my nerves, and in my body love and in my blood love and in my hair love and in my skin love.

Increase me in love, increase me in love, increase me in love.

Grant me love upon love.”

Sacred Sexuality

An aspect of reclaiming the Sacred in my every day life is putting intention towards Sacred Sexuality. Sex is a significant aspect of my creative and loving expression -- as a lover, as an artist and as a community builder. I have long desired to unify my sexuality and spirituality, but have not put real intention toward it.

I desire to relate to my lover(s) and friends from a Sacred perspective, where I express my devotion to them and longing to merge in Oneness with them through acts of intimacy. I seek to experience my sexuality as an expression of love for both the Divine Spark and the unique person with whom I am blessed to share intimate experiences of union in primal hunger, lust, pleasure, sensuality, cuddling, kissing, play and/or sexual fulfillment. I know that bringing the Sacred into my sexual and relationship life will lead towards greater experiences of love.

I desire for the people I love to attain their greatest potential in life and in love. Within the practice of polyamory, when I can recognize sex as an expression of love and longing to merge with the Divine Spark in another, it no longer feels like a threat to my relationship with my lover. It becomes an experience of shared love and abundance. It is a beautiful gift that I wish for my lover and their other partner(s) to experience with one another. When I live from the spiritual perspective that all relationships are Divinely Ordained, and that there are gifts that each person offers another for their potential evolution into deeper experiences of love, then compersion naturally flows for my lover's other relationships. I know that if my lover is drawn to someone for intimacy, no matter how the relationship manifests, they must have a potential gift to offer him for his spiritual development. In light of that, I desire to never again allow my fears to compromise another's (or my own!) expression of intimacy with others.

*

Last night I transformed my experience of longing for Knight into a rich sacred-sexual experience. After writing the blog post, I was considering how much I miss kissing Knight's cock in the mornings, which led me to thoughts about cock worship, which led to a fantasy about a sacred-sexual experience of worshiping his cock as a manifestation of the masculine creative life force. Instead of imagining a typical blowjob, I visualized an experience of spending time in devotion to his cock as an expression of my devotion to him -- both the man and the Divine Spark within him. Instead of having a quick self-pleasuring session with the goal of orgasm, I lingered with the fantasy, exploring it in rich detail as touched myself softly and slowly. My arousal was so intense that even though I did finally release, I am still carrying the arousal with me today.

My body is buzzing with arousal. I carried it with me to the Marsh for my walk at lunch and it was greatly enhanced by the energy I could feel in the nature around me. The wind embraced me wildly. Bird songs filled my ears with songs of desire. I felt deeply connected to the flowers and trees. I slipped into a private place, leaned against a tree, and deepened my arousal by caressing my clit. It may be the most erotic experience I've had with nature.

*
"He who desires perfection of the soul must worship the lingam." - Linga Purana

In Sanskrit, the cock is called Lingam. Lingam means "wand of light." I love the idea of meditating on the cock as a wand of light -- a symbol of light in the man and the Light in the Universe.

I have had a love affair and worshiped the female counterpart, the Yoni, for years. I had a multi-year art and writing project about the Yoni. I have deeply explored the Sacred within the Yoni from a variety of perspectives. And when I am gifted with a sexual experience with a woman, I always experience the Sacred in worshiping her yoni with my mouth and hands.

But as I've written before , I had a much more complicated relationship with the lingam until Knight. It seems that my love and adoration for his lingam continues to deepen.

The difference between last night's fantasy and so many I've had before involving Knight's cock is that this time it was purely about the expression of my devotion rather than about what inspires my own arousal. Usually I fantasize about cock worship within the context of submission to Knight's dominance. I love it when he grabs my head and "forces" me to suck his cock. I love it when he fucks my mouth to the point of making me gag and taking my breath away. But this fantasy wasn't like that. It had nothing to do with force or dominance. In fact, it was more about his surrender to my devotion. I imagined a love-making session that is focused entirely on him and the pleasure to be derived from worshiping his body with my own.

Tonight is our only night together for the forseeable future, due to both the logistics of other commitments and the uncertainty around our unfolding relationship. Rather than take the time for granted by just doing "whatever", I desire to bring Sacred intention to our time together. I am going offer him the gift of my devotion through an experience of cock worship as I fantasized it last night and today. I've done some reading on lingam worship in the Tantra traditions for inspiration into both the symbolic and practical. I hope to share an experience that will be as much a Sacred Gift to him as the cathartic scene he gave me Saturday night was to me.

***Image Source: Willow Arlenea

I Love My Life

This has been an amazing weekend and it not over yet. It is Sunday, shortly after noon. I have just come off of a couple of rich intimacy experiences on Friday and Saturday nights and am headed into another one. I am home for awhile, checking email and Facebook, connecting with my daughter, unexpectedly connecting with one of my best friends, weed-eating the yard, and grateful for the time to reflect before I head to (potentially) the last Fire.

Our tribe has had a tradition of Eat, Drink, Burn during the summer months the last couple years. Two dear friends have a fire circle in their backyard and we have a gathering of abundance. Everyone is asked to bring something to share -- something to eat, drink or burn (and burn can be interpreted in many ways). Initiation to the Fire requires a story. One must offer a story to the Fire, the presence in the gathering that is consistent every week. A story doesn't have to be a true story, or in story form. Some have offered songs or poetry. These rituals of connection have made for a different experience of intimacy than we get from other events or gatherings.

Some Fires have ritual intentions, especially if there is a holy day of some kind nearby. Today we honor Graduation, as we have several graduates of Humboldt State University in our midst. There are other metaphorical graduations taking place right now as well. The hosts of Fire are leaving Humboldt to start a new life adventure as one pursues her doctorate. One of my closest friends just left her secure, traditionally successful job to embrace the life of her heart. I am certain I will learn of other graduations tonight. And then there's me, going through this.

I am graduating from a state of fear consciousness into a greater experience of love. And I am amazed at how quickly the Universe is responding to my loving intention. As I shift my intention daily towards a spiritual and loving perspective, the Universe offers me situations in which to experience the life I am dreaming is possible. As I practice my self-care, I am gifted with unexpected support from friends and community. As I practice open-heartedness, I am gifted with incredible intimacy.

Friday night I somewhat reluctantly went to a private play party. I was tired. I didn't know who would be there or what the energy would be like. But at the last minute I felt an intuitive knudge to be open. Knight decided to attend this party at the last minute as well. I learned this minutes before leaving, so I called in order to negotiate expectations. I didn't want to assume he would want to be intimate with me and I didn't want to assume that he wouldn't play with someone else. We determined we were both open to play with each other and imagined that if play with others did happen, it would be light bdsm rather than sex. It could be challenging but it could also be fun. An opportunity to experience compersion.

On my drive to the party I shifted myself towards an open-hearted and loving intention. I focused my thoughts and energy on being open to connection, not just with Knight but with whomever was there. And I know it is this intent that led to the remarkable experience that followed.

The party was great. The mix of people was different than I had experienced before, but we had fun, good conversation and some beautiful play. I watched two dear friends wrestle and giggle. I got turned on by an impact play scene. And I witnessed a community member have what I believe to be a heart-opening and life-changing play experience.

And then Knight and I spontaneously flowed into a threesome with a friend of mine. There was a woman at the party with whom I have a flirtacious history. On my side there is a fairly strong attraction to her sexually, emotionally and creatively. We almost dated a couple years ago but life carried us elsewhere and we've only had occasional social interactions since. When I sat by her and we started talking, the chemistry was strong. We were touching without even thinking about it. I think Knight sensed it, because he initiated the idea of a light bdsm scene with us co-topping her. It just flowed from there, more into sexual expression than bdsm. It was beautiful. I'll likely write a separate post about the meaning it holds for me in my unfolding relationship with Knight, polymory and my queer identity.

On Saturday Knight fulfilled a wish of mine. I have been strongly desiring a heavy impact scene as an opportunity for cathartic emotional release. I wanted a beating. I surrender as a submissive to heavy impact scenes because the physical, energetic and emotional intensity of those scenes helps me to process my emotional life, especially during phases of intense transformation. A scene is a ritual expression in the physical world of my submission to the Divine in the spiritual world. I am grateful to have Knight, who understands this dance between the physical, emotional and spiritual, desire to give such an experience to me. There is a new richness in surrendering so deeply to him with what we're going through. He gave me exactly what I needed in every way and our intimacy has deepened because of it.

I love my life. I am so blessed to be a witness to and participant in these intimate experiences. What most people don't understand about the sex-positive lifestyle is that it allows for the most incredible experiences of relationship -- not just with lovers, but with friends and community members. It isn't just about the sex and bdsm. Not everyone is polyamorous, nor does everyone come to events to play. It's about the incredible intimacy, the sharing and connection that happens when people let their guard down and just be themselves.

As a culture, we are so focused on the idea of marriage/life-partnership as the ultimate expression of relationship and give up the potential experiences of intimacy that we can have with others--whether other lovers, intimate friends or community involvements. We make the primary relationship our end all and be all and then wonder why the majority of us can't make it work, at least not in a healthy way. For most of us it takes a community to meet all of our needs. We can't do it on our own, and we can't expect one other person to do it either.

I believe it is possible to create a life in which we can have all of our needs met. And I think that's what my tribe is striving for. Because we learn how to negotiate getting our sexual needs met, whatever they might be, we also learn how to negotiate getting our other needs met -- our needs for emotional intimacy, friendship and community, work we love and creative expression. As we express our authenticity around pleasure and sex, we become more authentic in every other aspect of our lives. Sex-positive community is a crucible for conscious evolution. You dive in deep enough with us and you can't escape it.

I love my life. And I love that I get to share it with so many remarkable people...like you. Thank you for witnessing.

30 Days of Radical Self Care

I started writing this post within a week of the "break up." It was actually the first post I drafted. The first major insight I had into the issues in our relationship had to do with self-care, recognizing that we were not caring for ourselves, which made it difficult to care for each other. I decided immediately to implement a radical self-care practice, committing to 30 days in hopes of giving myself an attainable goal and setting the foundation for the practice to become a good habit. I was going to boldly make a pronouncement about my commitment, but a variety of insecurities held me back. What if I pronounce it publicly and then slip back into my old habits and fail? Why would anyone want to read about my process? Who do I think I am?

But a couple of days ago, Lissa Rankin at Owning Pink published a post committing to 30 days of radical self-care (Owning Pink is a great blog and daily reminder towards the authentic life I desire). The serendipity was too much to ignore. I wrote a comment about my own commitment and she dared me to publish this post. So here it is.

I am on the edge of a major shift in consciousness - a significant choice point in my life. I have been approaching this edge over and over for years and my ego keeps saying NO and sending me back in circles. I continue evolving in other directions, but always return to this place. The Universe keeps calling me to live with more intention, more health, more love and I keep resisting. I keep telling myself that I am awake enough, that I work hard enough. I have overcome mental illness and poverty. I have raised happy healthy kids as a primarily single mom. I live a life of service. I am inspiring others to live with more consciousness in their lives. I have created a life rich with relationships. I am already working so damn hard! Do I really have to step up to more discipline and more responsibility in order to experience more love? YES.

This is where I decide whether I want to live in integrity with what I know to be true, or I want to continue living a half stagnant life. While I work hard to bring awareness to my relationships and my work, I am lazy about bringing awareness to my self. I confess that I take better care of everyone else than I do myself. While I give great effort to live up to a conscious relationship with my children, Knight, my tribe, my business partners and the Imps, I do not make the same effort on my own behalf. And I am living the consequences, as is everyone around me.

* My emotional stability is precarious - We had to put the brakes on the best relationship I've ever had largely because I cannot control my emotional reactions when I am triggered (it is my greatest challenge with the Imps, too). While I have made tremendous growth in managing my emotions (if only people knew what I was like when I was crazy!), I still have work to do. But I don't think it has so much to do with the psychological work of healing my past and overcoming my fear-stories as it does with daily self-care and spiritual practice that will create the centering place for me to respond to life from. I've been doing the psychological work, I have not been doing the spiritual practice.

* My spiritual life is nearly bankrupt. I was not maintaining a relationship with the Sacred. I did not have a practice. I did not put intention into living a life of Presence. I have not been living in integrity with what I believe about God. I have not been living in integrity with my belief that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I have not been nurturing a spiritual perspective and the expansiveness it brings.

* My body is a mess. I am in mild to moderate muscular pain nearly every day. My digestive system also causes me discomfort, especially when I'm emotionally topsy-turvy. While I've been toying with the idea that I may have a significant health issue, my intuition tells me my body is rebelling because I am not living in integrity with what I know about good health. While I eat better than I have at any other time of my life and rarely emotionally eat anymore, I still do not eat well. I ingest things I shouldn't. I was not exercising at all. I have been making poor choices regarding my body, or neglecting my body entirely, and I have reached a point in my consciousness where my body is telling me I can't ignore it anymore. Either I take care of my physical self or I live in constant pain and discomfort.

* My finances remain limited. I have never moved beyond living paycheck to paycheck. I am nearly always just a little bit behind so I never get ahead. I made poor financial choices in the past and the consequences are still being resolved. I am still suffering from poverty consciousness and fear that I can't take any risks as long as I have a child at home. If I can't manage the resources the Universe is giving me now, why would it give me more? If I can't manage the confidence to move in a new direction, how can I change my circumstances?

* I continue working for a living rather than living my life's work. While everything in me craves to be creating abundance through work of my heart, I don't take the steps or risks to change my situation. It is exhausting me to work a 9-5 job I don't love in an emotionally unhealthy work culture, and then make the time and space for the work I do love (currently through the Imps). My exhaustion limits what I'm capable of creating.

Steps I need to take for self-care and what I am committing to for the next 30 days:

* Begin every day with prayer. I need to open the lines of communication with the Divine. While my understanding of God is always changing, I have learned that a Sacred approach to life is the most healthy and stabilizing for me. I need to nurture that relationship by connecting with the Sacred every day.

* Write every day. Writing is a spiritual practice for me, a conversation between God and I, and a form of contemplation. Writing is also a tool for my emotional health. When I process my emotions through writing, I find clarity and calm. Writing takes me out of the rut of thoughts and often leads me into insight. And sharing my story with others through writing is part of my life purpose (more on that in another post). It is my intent to use this blog to document and process my daily journey on this road to a life of integrity.

* Pay attention to my authentic impulses and speak my truth when I feel guided. I ignore a lot of guidance towards love, which is limiting the amount of love I experience! I ignore impulses to reach out to people for fear of rejection. I have impulses to give gifts, to say a kind word, to give a compliment, to offer a touch, to deepen a conversation. I have gifts that I could be sharing -- healing touch, intuitive readings -- but I am afraid people will think I am weirdo or a fraud. I hold back from speaking my spiritual truths for fear of rejection. I try to make myself as "accessible" as possible. People in my tribe already talk about my hippy-dippy ways -- I have worried about what they would say if I didn't hold back as much as I do. But the truth is, my friends don't really want me to play small. They want me to be big and be as *April* as I possibly can be. (And if they don't, then I need to find new friends!)

* Study. Taking in new information from teachers challenges me to new insights and life changes. I am starting my mornings with The Book of Awakening. I am going to read Nonviolent Communication since violent communication is a shadow I am currently working with. I am also reading books about love and spiritual relationship.

* Friendship. Experiencing intimacy with others is a significant aspect of my bliss. Yet, I have not given the time and intent toward nurturing my friendships. I have made myself so busy with work, Knight, family and the Imps that I haven't had the space to be a consistent friend. I have also lived in fear of being rejected if I attempt to deepen friendship intimacy.

* Exercise -- outside if possible -- yoga or walking at least five days a week. It could only be 15 minutes, but it needs to be something. Both walking and yoga are meditative as well as physical practices. They feed my soul as much as my body. I've started going to the Arcata Marsh or Redwood Park every day at lunch to walk. I am finding that not only is walking significantly decreasing the pain I feel, walking in such beautiful places is nurturing my perception of life as a blessing. Yesterday the beauty of the sky reflected on the marsh waters actually brought me to tears. People in cities buy calendars and posters to see the beautiful landscapes that are within five minutes of me in any direction!

* Make better choices around food/nutrition and take a multi-vitamin every day.

It is my hope that implementing these daily practices will lead to positive shifts in all aspects of my life, especially my relationships. I am truly beginning to understand how living a love-filled life begins with loving my self first.

(Image Credit: Sharon Simpson)

Spiritual Revelations

I have had wave upon wave of revelation about the importance of my spiritual life in the last 36 hours. Even though I claim that I am a Mystic, head over heels in love with God, I have not been nurturing my relationship to the Divine or a spiritual life of any depth. I have been distracted by relationship and my work with the community. I have been immersed in the mundane. And I have lost my center because of it.

I am examining the idea of living in integrity -- which I believe is acting from one's beliefs about themselves and the Universe. I have not been living in integrity with what I believe. I've been treating spirituality like a hobby, picking it up when I feel like it, putting it down for other distractions. I turn to my spiritual life to save me when I am heartbroken, but I ignore it when I am focused on relationship, until the relationship falls apart and I come back to it to save me again.

How can I maintain a healthy intimate relationship with another person(s) if I can't maintain the two most important relationships in my life - my relationship to my Self and to the Divine?

We are so incredibly drawn into relationship because we seek Oneness. We are spiritually driven to relationship -- to relate from Divine Spark to Divine Spark -- but we aren't conscious of it. Knight and I desire to merge in every way -- physically (cuddling/touching), sexually, emotionally, and domestically -- because we hunger for Oneness. We believe in the illusion that if we immerse ourselves deeply enough we will experience Unity. But when we immerse in the mundane, move through our days without intention, and connect as ego-based personalities rather than as spiritual beings, we lose our center and get lost in the complications, compromises and conflicts of two individuals trying to share a life. Unconscious merging does not lead to Oneness, it leads to entanglement and relating from our wounds.

When Knight and I came together I was intentionally seeking a spiritual partner. I was interested in relationship that was based in our spiritual commitment -- a commitment to our own spiritual development as well as each others. I felt that potential with him from the first time we met. Actually, I felt that potential with him when I read his emails to various community lists and resonated with his sharings. But instead of putting any intention into our spiritual relationship, Knight and I became immersed in the domestic, social and sexual. We've done our relationship backwards. Instead of focusing on a spiritual partnership and allowing the rest of our relationship to unfold from that, we have focused on traditional expressions of emotional and domestic partnership, hoping one day we'll be motivated to integrate the spiritual.

I come to this place over and over again. Each relationship, whether to an intimate partner or to a community, eventually brings me to this place where I realize that I can go no further without reclaiming my spiritual life. Every relationship transition I can remember experiencing involved an opportunity for spiritual awakening and a return to my practice and rituals. When I have spiritual practice and maintain a spiritual perspective on all that is unfolding in me and in the world around me, I am uplifted. My days feel better. I make choices that increase my joy. I am too busy telling love stories and focusing on movement forward to get mired in the fear of old wounded stories.

What are the activities in life that bring me the greatest joy, that give me that feeling of being light and loving? Spiritual rituals. Reading works that set my heart and mind on fire. Writing about my process. Contemplating human evolution and how I can contribute to it. Work that matters - whether it's for the Imps or towards other positive endeavors. Loving relationships through uplifted connection -- conversations about what's real, physical affection, and sharing positive experiences.

I have been spiritual all my life. A few months ago I went through my mom's photographs and found a picture of me, maybe 8 years old, in a grassy field on my knees, head bowed, and hands together under my chin. I am praying and it is beautiful. Something in that picture reminded me that I have always been connected to God and I have thrived in the worst of circumstances when I have relied on my relationship to God to get me through. It has been a blend of psychological work and spiritual practice that allowed me to transcend the traumas of my youth and build a functional life. Now it's time to move from functional to thriving in every possible way. It's time to use spirituality as more than a heart-break healer.

I have come to recognize that another way that I am like my mother is that we both need to be strong in our spiritual practice to maintain our emotional balance. The functional periods of my mother's life coincided with the practice of her faith and her involvement in a spiritual community. When she was immersed in her spirituality and her church, she was free of her addictions and lived more from love than her wounds. I believe a significant reason that she descended so far before she died was that she never found a spiritual community in Las Vegas.

Which brings me to another revelation -- I have been desperate for spiritual community since my last one dissolved a few years ago. I haven't found a church or traditional community that suits the modern mystic's journey. I have tried to reach out to others who may be interested in nurturing spiritual community but it hasn't gone anywhere. For whatever reasons we haven't felt the call strong enough to make something happen. That needs to change for me. I need spiritual community. I need to connect and share regularly with other people who are living life from a spiritual perspective.

The Tight Rope

I feel as though I am walking a tight rope. I must strike an intricate balance to take full responsibility for my fear based choices and the resulting consequences without falling into shame, humiliation and regret. I must allow the grief for what is lost to move through me while maintaining a bigger perspective on the perfection of what is unfolding. It is an unsettling teeter totter. I start to fall and try to lean back into a more loving story. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I lose my balance, fall into the dark and then have to do the work of climbing up the ladder to the light again.

Last night's revelation that I have become that which I most fear, and that which I have been unable to forgive in others, weighs heavily on my heart today. For as long as I can remember I have said that I do not want to become my mother. I have consciously worked on my mental-emotional-spiritual health for 15+ years so that I do not become my mother. And yet here I am, making similar fear-based choices. I spent so much time fearing that Knight would choose something or someone else over his love for me, that I couldn't see how I was choosing to live in my fear rather than my love for him. I am astounded that I've lost control of my emotional life to this degree.

It seems like it should be easy to choose love, but it isn't, not when you've been living a fear-story since birth. Choosing love takes incredible intention and attention. Right now it requires nearly minute-by-minute vigilance as I witness what unfolds in my mind and heart as I go through my day. And isn't just about choosing love in my relationship to my self and Knight. It's about choosing love in every interaction at work, at home, and in my community.

Right now choosing love means forgiving myself, Knight, my mother and my ex-husband for choosing love over fear. Because of this experience, I have a new depth of compassion for all of us.

Choosing love means actively rewriting my stories, both past and present. It's time to transform my wounded stories into something more empowering. When the stories start looping in my head, I must be vigilant about stopping them in their tracks and redirecting them toward love.

Choosing love means holding back from reaching out through text or phone call every time my heart longs for him because I need to learn how to act from love rather than yearning and habit. It means trusting that just because we no longer talk every day, or share life the way we did, we are still connected and he still loves me.

Choosing love means believing I am lovable.

Choosing love means trusting that remaining open-hearted and vulnerable despite the heartache will bring healing.

Choosing love means taking action towards self-care. To care for my body I am walking every day. To care for my mind I am writing. To care for my heart I am giving myself permission to grieve without turning it to suffering. To care for my soul I am nurturing my relationship to the Divine through prayer and paying attention to the abundant sources of guidance and support being offered on my behalf every single day.

Choosing love means walking this tightrope until it transforms into a comfortable walking path towards my growth and healing.

Choosing to Live a Love Story

"That same circuitry is active in your brain today in the amygdala, hippocampus, and related structures. It's hard-wired to scan for the bad, and when it inevitably finds negative things, they're both stored immediately, plus made available for rapid recall.

In contrast, positive experiences (short of million dollar moments) are usually registered through standard memory systems, and thus need to be held in conscious awareness 10 to 20 seconds for them to really sink in.

In sum, your brain is like velcro for negative experiences and teflon for positive ones.

In the moment, this built-in bias puts a negative spin on the world and intensifies our stress and reactivity. Over time, these experiences build up in what’s called “implicit memory,” casting a glum shadow over mood and outlook, and darkening one’s interior landscape. Yes, these hard-wired inclinations have been evolutionarily successful, but Mother Nature cares about grandchildren, not about dukkha."

- Rick Hanson, psychologist, and Rick Mendius, neurologist

Something I have known intellectually for years is finally sinking in experientially -- where we put our attention defines, and even creates, our experience. The way to cultivate attention is to live with intention.

I spend far too much time putting my attention on shadows. Rather than intentionally cultivating gratitude and appreciation for the abundance of goodness I have in my life, I have been focused on not-enoughness, disappointment and other negative judgments of myself and the people in my life. Especially within my changing relationship.

(Oh goodness, I need something to call the man I love with all my being but is no longer my "partner." From now on I shall call him Knight. In many ways he has been my Knight in Shining Armor, even if we may not live happily ever after from a traditional perspective. We are rewriting the fairy tale and redefining "happily ever after.")

Knight is a truly good man. He is a good provider who makes a living doing something he loves, which is serving and facilitating healing for others. He is dedicated to family. He is fun and made me laugh a lot. He has a strong masculine/feminine balance and is overall a great communicator. He is remarkably accepting and non-judgmental of mine and other people's quirks and shadows. He is smart and creative. He works toward his own evolution and encourages others in their work. He is curious and adventurous. He is incredibly sexy and a wonderful lover. He is definitely a great catch. I had so many moments with him where I consciously thought about how blessed I was to be in the closest possible relationship to him. I was consistently surprised by the beauty in him -- his openness, his tremendous capacity and desire for love, and his insights into the human condition. I could see the Divine Spark in him and it is so very beautiful.

And yet as his quirks and shadows emerged over time, I took them personally and paid them too much attention. I allowed them to feed my fear stories. I became emotionally volatile. When a situation with him would set off a trigger, I would sink into the fear and shut him out. My communication would become violent -- passive aggressive, blaming, criticizing -- which would set off the fear triggers in him and send us into a tailspin as we tried to inflict pain on one another in some twisted sense of self protection. Our shadows weren't dancing well together and we didn't put the needed intention into learning how to dance with grace. We protected ourselves right out of our relationship. Funny how I don't feel any more safe or secure now.

Instead of focusing on how Knight was choosing me as a life partner, to the point of making compromises for me, I focused on my fears around his desire to be polyamorous. Instead of maintaining gratitude and appreciation for all the consistent ways he supported me, listened to me, encouraged my growth, and expressed his love and desire for me, I tripped out on him when I misunderstood him or he was self-absorbed or fell down in his own fearful stories. Instead of practicing compassion and holding space for his experience, which would have deepened our intimacy and strengthened our bond, I became self-absorbed in my fear and pushed him away.

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I believe that I have been too focused on my own shadow. While we cannot bring our shadows into the light without paying serious attention to them, I believe that we can focus too much on our "deficiencies" and live in a consistent fear of fucking up. We pay so much attention to our fears that we bring them to life. I have seen this pattern in others, but I have never consciously experienced it in my own life like I am now.

In recent months I have had to face the shadow of violence within me. I have become aware of how I communicate violently and how I sometimes hurt people I love with my words and my tone. And it has made me afraid. I am so very afraid of hurting anyone ever again. I am judging and blaming myself for the pain I've caused. I am perceiving judgment all around me, believing that people see me as a fraud, incapable of living the love I claim to be striving for and ask them to strive for. I have been so afraid that I started worrying the crazies might be coming back -- or never really went away. I have been afraid that I will do the unforgivable, and living so deep in that fear that I created exactly what I was afraid of. I did something that may be forgivable, but has lost me one of the most precious gifts the Universe has given me. How can I not feel like a failure? I don't think I have failed so big. While I can usually find the opportunity, and even the beauty, in every failure or disappointment in my life, I can't imagine how that is possible with this. I have lost the love of my life, someone with whom I feel more potential for a love-filled life than I have ever felt before. How do I find the grace to forgive myself and believe that I am deserving and capable of a healthy, loving relationship?

Instead of writing a love story, which is what I believed myself to be doing, I was writing a fear story and brought my fear to life. I don't know that I have ever understood my own creative power so well. It's time to put that power to better uses.

One of the questions I am living is how can I trust the Universe if I cannot trust myself? How can I trust someone elses love for me if I cannot trust my own love? I am more violent with myself than I am with anyone else. I have voices inside, voices that I spend much too much time listening to, that tell me I am a failure, that I have no right attempting to make change in the world when I have so much change to make in myself, and that I should hide away with my fucked-up-ness. My saboteur runs rampant in me and keeps me from doing all that I am inspired to do. I am terribly unkind to myself. I neglect my body to the point that I am living with near daily discomfort or pain. I strive to take good care of the people I love -- my children, my tribe and the greater community I serve -- but I don't take care of myself. I try to meet everyone else's expectations -- sometimes to my own detriment -- and yet I don't feel deserving to ask for what I need or desire from others.

I desire to be living a love story, not a fear story. And not just with Knight, but with myself. Oh wow, I just realized a whole new layer to what is unfolding. I have been unable to forgive my mother for choosing a fear story over her love for me. I have also struggled to forgive my ex-husband for choosing a fear story over his love for me and my children. I have judged them, blamed them and struggled to forgive them because they are a mirror for my own fear choices. I have been doing the same damn thing, choosing to give attention to my fear more than my love.

When my mother died, a friend told me it was an opportunity to be free. I have convinced myself that the path to freedom is digging into my wounds. I have given tremendous power to my wounds, allowing them to disrupt the flow of love in my life. Every difficult moment I had with the Knight (and in all of my other relationships) was based in a fear story that reinforced my wounding. Once I was emotionally triggered by a situation, I couldn't break free of the wounded story. Instead I fed it and reinforced it by setting limitations for myself and our relationship.

I haven't broken free of my mother's hold on my life, I have become her.

"The whole world is waiting for someone to open their heart first." Byron Katie

This is my wake up call. I have always had a passion for self development because even though I was born into such a deep fear story, I was also born with a deep intuitive knowing of what living a Love Story can be. I have never been able to explain it properly to people, but I can feel the potential of living a Love filled life. I can feel it within myself, within others, and in relationship between myself and others. I work so hard on myself and on my relationships because I am striving to create that Love experience. I work to bring information and experiences to others that will encourage the Love because I am striving to create what I feel is possible. I believe in Love fiercely and I will do whatever it takes to open myself to it to my fullest capacity and encourage others to do the same. Right now that means ending the fear story I've been living and intentfully writing my Love Story.

Thank you for being a part of it.

"You suppose you are the trouble, but you are the cure. You suppose you are the lock on the door, but you are the key that opens it. It is too bad that you want to be someone else. You don't see your own face, your own beauty, yet no face is more beautiful than yours." ~ Rumi

Standing My Own Witness

There are so many things I desire to write about tonight. The ideas are flowing faster than I can keep up with them. I am titling future blog posts so I can remember the topics that inspire me and hope that when I get to them, it will be right timing and all I desire to say will be said.

But right now my heart tells me to write about this…

I received an anonymous love and gratitude note in my mailbox yesterday.

April, Thank you for everything you do and are. You share so much of yourself and I know sometimes you don’t feel appreciated, but you always are.

As you heal your heart, call on your creativity. Make something beautiful. Pour your love and disappointment, your joy and anguish into the art. Heal yourself through your joy of creating. You are an amazing woman, and have strengths that are admirable.

Love, A Sister on this Journey

I am deeply touched. I feel incredibly loved. The Universe is totally looking out for me right now. Many messengers of love and guidance are being sent my way.

One of the primary causes of my relationship strife has been a sense of not being fully supported, not always being held when I think or feel I need to be, and fear that I am not really seen or loved. It is so incredibly easy (and lazy) to believe such things. It takes work—diligence, intention, discipline—to consciously maintain an experience of abundance.

Right now, even in my grief, the abundance cannot be ignored. The Universe is showering me with blessings. I am experiencing being supported and held, witnessed and loved every single day. But it isn’t always so apparent. When visible, audible, and touchable experiences have spaces between them, it is easy to fall into the old stories. I start telling myself the stories of invisibility--the stories that say I am not seen, so I am not loved.

Rewriting the old stories is hard, hard work. I am the daughter of a mentally ill, narcissistic, addicted mother. My bio father disappeared before my birth, my adopted father had his own dysfunction and did not protect us from my mother’s sickness, and my stepfather was an alcoholic and drug addict. Instead of my needs being met for proper emotional development, I experienced trauma after trauma. Most of my existence was about surviving neglect or violence of some kind. My brain was programmed from birth to think that I am invisible – I am not seen, I always live in the shadow of others – and I do not deserve emotional support. I was also programmed to believe that violence—physical or verbal—and emotional manipulation is normal and acceptable behavior.

I have been consciously working on changing the stories for a long time. As a teenager I knew there was another way of being and I sought it. I started reading self-development books at 15. I read all of Leo Buscaglia’s books. I read Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled and Christina Baldwin’s Life’s Companion. I also took religion very seriously. I have been in love with God for as long as I can remember. I have always known that there is a place of healing for me in a combination of Psychology and Mysticism.

And then there was the writing. I have always been a writer. I wrote letters to my friends and started journaling in junior high. I wrote out all the heartache that I was experiencing at home. I wrote to connect with others. And eventually, I wrote myself sane.

I was diagnosable with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was a young adult (that is a whole story of its own that will come one day). I tried many approaches to mental health. I took medications. Zoloft for depression. Something else for panic attacks. And I went to therapy with a few different providers. Medication managed my symptoms but didn't change any stories. Therapy was intermittently effective. At least I was witnessed and I could talk myself into insights. But I needed more engagement and guidance than therapy offered. I needed to really understand myself. I didn’t just need to be listened to, I needed to learn.

I took my healing into my own hands. I read everything I could get my hands on about psychology, consciousness and various aspects of spirituality. And I wrote. I wrote a lot. I have a trunk full of journals. I wrote about everything I was experiencing and how I was evolving. I wrote about everything I dream I could be. I also wrote creatively. Poetry, creative nonfiction, and essays/articles.

I truly believe that writing saved my life and by extension my children’s lives. I believe I am a good mother with fairly healthy (not broken) children because I studied and wrote myself into enough emotional health to meet their developmental needs.

I stopped writing for most of my 7 year marriage. I didn’t have the time or solitary space for it. And I couldn’t risk what I would have to face about myself and the life I was choosing if I did wrote it down. I knew I wasn’t living an authentic life. I traded a sense of security (believing I was seen and loved) for an authentic expression of everything that I am. I did whatever I had to do to maintain the illusion. With him that meant making myself as small and afraid as him. I stopped doing nearly everything that really mattered to me. Until I met my mama-writers group and I wrote myself out of my marriage and into a significantly more authentic life.

Then the Imps happened and I stopped writing again. I have been so busy with being a hostess and developing a multitude of amazing relationships. I have immersed myself in relationship again. It’s a much healthier immersion than my marriage, but it’s still immersion and it has shadow. I am so hungry to be seen and loved that I try to spend every minute with someone else or doing Imps work that makes me visible in the community. I haven’t made the time and space for what I need – to write, to study, and to nurture a relationship with the Divine.

The result? I have been out of control emotionally and now I have lost a life-partner relationship with the love of my life because of it. This is my wake up call. I am going to heal myself through writing. I am going to meet my own needs through acts of self-care. I am going to find my Center again and consciously strive to maintain it.

My “Sister of the Journey” has affirmed that I am on the right path. Right now my creativity is writing, telling my story. I am “pouring my love and disappointment, my joy and anguish” into this blog. I am believing that my own story is beautiful.

As I’ve thought about the growth of the Imps and my desire to do work-of-my-heart, I’ve considered turning this blog into part of our/my marketing strategy. I've been reading about the business of blogging so that I can sell myself. But that’s not what I need right now. I just need to write for my healing so that I don’t ever have to experience giving up the love of my life again. And so that I never hurt another human being like I have hurt him…and myself. It doesn’t matter how many people read this or if some people don’t like that my posts are so long and personal. The people who are meant to will read it. What matters is that I tell my truth and witness my own experience.

Wow! More serendipitous support. A friend of mine asked me the other day, “How can you stand as your own witness?” I see now that this blog is the answer. I can trust that I have a story to tell, a story worthy of being documented and witnessed, if only by myself.

The Risks of Personal Disclosure

After reading my last post about an explicit sexual adventure, I had a friend who is new to the blog world ask about my boundaries around personal disclosure. He is wondering how personal he should be on his own blog, with his current guide being whether the personal directly applies to the mission of his project.

I have to admit that as I was writing the post, I considered how I hope the blog will lead to more exposure for the Society and for me as a writer and professional, and I wondered if it would be considered inappropriate to write so explicitly, even if my business directly involves sex. On the other hand, I could see how titillating readers with explicit sex can be an attraction that leads them to my other content. Ultimately I decided that what really matters most to me is personal truth. If someone doesn't want to read my blog or take my business seriously because I occasionally write about sex or my personal relationships, then we aren't meant for each other. There may be people who don't resonate with what I write about conscious leadership or spirituality either. That's ok. We aren't meant for each other.

Writing, or any other creative expression, shouldn't be about reaching every human being on the planet with your message. It's about making genuine connection and reaching the people who resonate with your message; people who will be touched, inspired, or challenged by your experiences.

As a writer, I have never had boundaries around personal disclosure. This is my fourth blog and all of them have combined the personal with a specific mission (the Yoni Endeavor was about women's issues; The Conspiracy of Blessings was about creativity, generosity and gift economy; and my personal blog was about my journey as a mystic). I came into this world wired to share my feelings and experiences, no matter how taboo or uncomfortable or unpalatable they may be to some people. I believe that telling our personal stories of transformation is vital to humanity's transformation. I believe telling the truth about how we work to overcome our struggles and suffering is important to our collective evolution. I believe honoring our emotions is vital to a healthy life.

And I believe that part of my purpose in life is to shine the light on the shadow. I've had an unusual share of trauma in my life. I have used writing both as a method of healing and consciousness raising. I've written about rape, incest and domestic violence. I've written about the dark side of parenting and being the daughter of a narcissist. I've written about mental illness. And now I write about sex, conscious leadership, spirituality and how they all intersect in my life and in the Society.

I strive to be an integrated human being. I do not disassociate and keep different parts of my life packaged up so they don't bleed into one another. I am not interested in a shiny, palatable image. I do not wish to be bland or mediocre so that I can reach a large and mainstream audience. I want to be big and bold and take risks. I want to be messy as I blur the lines between the intellectual and the emotional, personal and the professional, the sacred and the profane. I want to challenge assumptions. Right now, the biggest assumption I challenge is that sex is meant to be kept behind closed doors. We are born sexual beings and sex is a part of our every day lives. Healthy sexual expression is vital to a healthy emotional and spiritual life. How am I to be a role model for healthy sexual expression if I keep my own sex life in the shadows or buy in to the idea that my message is less meaningful because I share stories about my own sexual expression?

Leadership 101: Conscious Leadership

In my last post I wrote in generalities about what it means to be an erotic hostess. What was missing from that post is what it means to be a conscious community leader.

I used to say that my first 8 years working in the non-profit world was leadership boot camp. I worked in direct support of Executive Directors and Boards of Directors for multiple organizations. Most of my experiences were learning from the failures that come from a lack of consciousness. In one case I witnessed an organization’s leadership fail do the necessary work to raise the money to be sustainable and was eventually laid off (as was the Executive Director). In another organization I witnessed the Executive Director, who was remarkable at keeping the money flowing but out of touch with day-to-day operations, come in and make careless decisions that created a dysfunctional culture. I witnessed another Executive Director rule through a tyranny of fear, creating a frightened and depressed culture. I have witnessed Board members who were more interested in the clout associated with Board service than they were in actually doing the work needed for an organization’s success. I have witnessed political and personal conflicts combined with unhealthy communication practices create cultures of tension, fear and heartache. Out of the six organizations I worked for, only one had strong leadership and a healthy culture, and even that organization then hired a new ED who was great at networking and creating a great image, but terrible at people management. She felt putting the money into a pretty building was more important than retaining the positions and people providing direct services.

I have learned that conscious leadership* is vital to an organization’s overall health. I have learned that people are an organization’s primary resource and the one that is most mismanaged. I have learned that the traditional business model that believes being professional means leaving your feelings at the door is unhealthy and unrealistic. The emotional does matter and it matters more than anything else, especially in community service. If people don’t feel good about the work they are doing, or the place they are doing it in, then they will not be capable of making a positive difference in the lives of those that they serve. If an organization’s culture is dysfunctional, it will not have an effective impact on the community. If it is funded by donations and client services, a negative culture will have great difficulty attracting donors and clients for long-term survival. If it can survive because its services are government funded and vital to human welfare, it will not have people who deliver services with kindness and compassion. Employees who are afraid, depressed, and burned out are going to pass on that culture to their clients.

Now I realize that those first 8 years were more like leadership internships and now I am actually in boot camp. Since I started leading the Impropriety Society two years ago, I have attempted to take everything I have learned about conscious leadership and apply it to our decision making processes, especially in regards to managing people and navigating relationships where the lines blur so much between the professional and the personal. Due to the complex nature of working with identity, sex and relationship, we have to make decisions that other businesses or organizations don’t have to consider. We have had to make staffing decisions that are not based on professional qualifications, but whether someone is capable of healthy communication and facilitating a safe emotional space for others. We have had to deny volunteers leadership positions because they have issues around sobriety. Our decisions have to be emotionally healthy if we are to facilitate as safe environment possible (knowing there is no true safety) for people to explore their deepest issues around identity, sex and relationship.

What I am learning is that being a good leader isn’t about your professional qualifications or expertise. It isn’t about life experience or having all the answers. Conscious, healthy leadership is about one’s willingness to take responsibility for everything – the successes and the failures, the practical logistics and the emotional culture – in an organization, as well as in one’s own life. It is about having the motivation to think about every word that you say and every action that you take and how it will affect others. It is about taking the time to study those who have succeeded and work to implement what you have learned into your own practices. It is about being willing to make every effort, fail, and then have the humility to apologize and make an even better effort the next time around.

It is my goal to be a conscious leader and encourage conscious leadership practices within the Society. I believe bringing consciousness to everything that we do is what makes us a revolutionary organization.
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* Dictionary Definition of Consciousness - awake, thinking and aware of what is happening around you.

Seven Attributes of Conscious Leadership

1. Provides authentic, values-based leadership
2. Clearly aware of people and situations from many angles
3. Consistently demonstrates the ability to listen on multiple levels
4. Balanced in their thinking with an observer’s hat on – aware of their own biases and emotional investment in the outcome
5. Heightened ability to communicate on many levels
6. Intrinsically validates and engages others
7. Ability to model and coach others in Conscious Leadership

What Does It Mean to be an Erotic Hostess?

Sometimes I wonder if I should change the title of this blog; while it is compelling and truthful, it is also deceiving. It could make people think they will read a lot about sex. While I have great sex several times a week with my partner, and have lovely sensual and BDSM experiences with friends, sex really has little to do with my position as a hostess for erotic events. Of course our parties -- the primary service we offer -- are very much about sexual expression. But what we do as Hostesses is far more about creating the space and facilitating the community relationship in which to have free sexual expression than it is about sex itself.

Creating a space requires all of the logistical work: negotiating rentals, ticket management, marketing, purchasing equipment and decorations, renting a truck and moving all the stuff from storage, purchasing and preparing food, and setting up and decorating the space. It also requires managing the various crews, the all staff meeting and trainings. But that is really the easy and least time-consuming part.

Most of this work is about facilitating the community relationship. Whether it is nurturing relationships with community members or managing our leadership staff or responding to community issues both online and offline, most of my time is spent facilitating community in some way. The three of us have as many conversations about how to address various relationships as we do about the logistics of party planning.

We had no idea this is what our jobs or our lives would turn into. We went into this with some romantic notions about throwing sexy parties. Due to my involvement in the previous incarnation of local sex parties, I knew that we were working with some big energies and that people's lives can change when they experience the freedom and safety of a well-produced event. But I didn't know that every choice we make in relationship to other people would be so important to the success of our mission or how much personal evolution we would go through in the process of learning to make the right choices. I didn't know how we would be held accountable for every choice, whether through positive validation or through complaint. I didn't know that I would suddenly have to put everything I had learned by watching other leaders fail in managing people over the last 10 years into practice.

When we wrote our mission and vision statements, they were a lot of pretty words and theoretical concepts. We weren't really conscious yet of the personal and community work it would take to live up to them. As expressed in my previous post, creating safe emotional space for a truly inclusive sex-positive community requires a healthy standard for behavior and communication. It is a higher standard than I have ever been asked, or required, to live up to before.

I realize that as emotionally draining as it can be at times, this is a significant aspect of my bliss. Relationship and communication are my favorite ways to spend my time and energy. Opportunities for deeper understanding and intimacy bring me great joy. Opportunities to make healing choices in the face of heartache enlighten me. Yet I don't always get it right. I am introverted by nature. I am not so good at knowing how to start conversations with new guests or nurturing new relationships with those that I don't have an immediate chemistry with. I have exhausted days and am not as present to people as I desire to be or they need me to be. Occasionally I get upset and sometimes I am more transparent than I should be about my thoughts and feelings. Navigating healthy and inclusive relationship takes hard work, but it's work that fulfills my heart like nothing else does.

Freedom of Speech and Healthy Communication

We have had some intense discussions on our Yahoo group recently that have brought up some questions around freedom of verbal expression. I posted the following to the group today...

A member of the community asked: What sacrifices do we make to free speech in order to maintain decorum? Many would agree that some sacrifices to free speech are necessary, for example, prohibitions against hate speech. I've been in successful communities that have zero rules against speech, such communities tend to have very high amounts of individual expression but high barriers for inclusion and poor levels of group compassion (to be fair, such communities have been incidental, not intentional ones).

I am grateful you brought up this topic. I feel it's important to talk about communication in this community: particularly free speech vs. standards for healthy communication. I believe more is at stake than maintaining decorum.

Our belief is that we must hold ourselves to certain standards of behavior if we are to succeed in our mission, which is ultimately based on values of safety, inclusion, acceptance and compassion. At events, we have guidelines to facilitate physical and emotional safety. We attempt to create as free a space as possible – a space that feels more free to me than most any other public venue in Humboldt County – yet we still have rules in order to maintain a safe environment. I would advocate that having a standard for healthy communication in all Imps related environments – both online and offline – is just as necessary to facilitate emotional safety within the community.

A couple months ago I was accused of censorship as a group moderator because I requested that someone take care with expressing their opinion when they insulted another community member. Earlier this week I made the same choice, I requested that someone take care with not invalidating others’ experiences by speaking for an entire minority population or using degrading language. In both instances I spent hours agonizing about whether it was appropriate to speak up and how to do it in the kindest and least judgmental way possible (I am still not sure where I come out around being judgmental). I also sought agreement from other community members to be sure I wasn’t having an exclusive reaction. I have no interest in being perceived as the "list mother" who will give a stern talking to people who "misbehave." But more importantly, freedom of expression is vital to the Society's mission. We are passionate about holding a space where everyone not only feels free to express themselves, but also feels accepted and appreciated for their unique expression.

First I had to ask myself if I was really acting as a censor and I believe the answer is no. I did not remove anyone's words from the list. I did not tell anyone they could not participate in a conversation. I made no demands. I only asked as respectfully as I knew how that they take more care with their communication. I don't feel that is an unreasonable request based on our collective desire for inclusiveness and compassion. We can express our opinions and share our stories without insulting each other or using degrading language. We can express our understanding of words and concepts without telling other people they are wrong for understanding them differently.

I have been thinking a lot about healthy communication lately, particularly the idea of non-violent communication, not just within the Imps, but in my personal life.

“Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of relating to ourselves and others, moment to moment, free of past reactions. Nonviolent Communication helps us stay connected with what is alive in ourselves and others moment-to-moment, and enhances our ability to make life more wonderful for ourselves and others.”

I grew up with violence and I used to be a violent person when angry and afraid. I would yell and throw things. I could tear a person apart with my words. In the last couple years I have learned not to lose control in such dramatic ways. However, as I navigate the first healthy relationships of my life – not just with my life-partner, but with my business partners and my tribe – I am learning about the subtle violence that permeates my communication when I feel hurt, afraid or even exhausted. When I am triggered, I can be passive-aggressive, critical, blaming and withdraw from people. These could all be considered forms of violent communication.

"If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of “right” versus “wrong” — could indeed be called violent. Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence. Sadly, many of the world’s cultures teach these "violent" methods of communication as normal and useful, so many of us find our communication efforts painful and distressed, but we don't know why.”

I have been called out on my unhealthy communication by my life-partner, my business partners and my tribe-mates. I have never felt that they were attempting to censor my freedom of speech. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom-to-express- myself for my loved ones to request that I communicate with them in a non-violent way. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom of speech to process through my emotional reactions to people in the community who hurt my feelings or make me angry and wait until I can express my feelings and opinions with kindness, or at least without the subtle forms of violence mentioned above. I do not want my freedom to come at the cost of harming another person, or the community as a whole.

For the Society to succeed, most especially because we are revolutionizing sex and relationship in our culture, I believe we have to hold ourselves to a standard of healthy, non-violent behavior. I do not wish to censor anyone. However, I will speak up to enforce a standard for healthy communication in order to facilitate an emotionally safe environment in which people can be empowered to express themselves – their opinions and stories, their passions and desires, their kinks and quirks, their needs and boundaries, their love and fears. If this feels like a sacrifice of someone’s freedom of speech, I would ask them what exactly they feel is the sacrifice – their right to be violent and cause harm with their words? I would wonder if they feel it is a sacrifice that it is against the law to cause physical violence to another person? As my understanding of violence deepens, and my commitment to creating peace in our world increases, I no longer believe there is a difference between the two.

It is our intention to bring greater consciousness to the idea of non-violent communication within the community, possibly with workshops or group discussions. If there are members of the community who have experience with these ideas and practices, I would love to hear from you.

"The Doors We Open and Close Each Day...

decide the lives we live." Flora Whittemore

There are big things taking place behind the scenes of the Impropriety Society.

Next Wednesday we will be meeting with some of our staff to discuss our vision for the Impresarios, a leadership circle that will support the hostesses in managing and growing the organization. Our hope is that it will be comprised of event crew heads (Security, Vibes, Dungeon, Hospitality, Music, Dirty Cleaners and Performances) and six new coordinator positions (Marketing, Community Outreach & Public Relations, Fundraising/Friendraising, Equipment, Workshops, and Business Assistant). It may also include Advisory positions for community members who have significant expertise or resources to offer but can't commit to one of the other positions. The group will meet monthly, as well as communicate through an email list, to discuss the direction of the organization and significant community issues, as well as to consciously nurture healthy leadership practices.

I am excited. I love collaboration. I see this as an opportunity to build the organization, deepen relationships, share the responsibilities and rewards of leadership, and evolve into a stronger leader.

I am also excited and a bit nervous about the new responsibilities I am taking on as lead hostess for business development, marketing, community outreach and public relations.

I am looking forward to learning about business development -- establishing ourselves as a legal business, writing a business plan, and discovering viable options that will lead to profitability. We dream of a community center that will operate as the hub for the sex-positive community in Humboldt. It could serve as a space for all kinds of events, meetings, support groups, workshops, private gatherings, etc. It could be a part or full time center for people to come for resources and talk about sex and relationship. It could showcase sex positive artists. We've had many ideas for a potential store - promotional items, t-shirts, etc. The ideas are endless and the more we can offer, the more likely we can support paid staff.

As to my other new responsibilities, I have always shied away from anything marketing related. I have resistance to much of the manipulative psychology around sales. I have also shied away from building professional relationships. I don't consider myself good at networking because I am terrible at talking about myself or "selling" what I am involved with in an assertive way. I can be plenty assertive about healthy leadership and relationship practices or aesthetics or other aspects of our operations, but direct representation of myself or the organization has been a significant struggle. I am ready to meet this challenge and transform my stories of limitation. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the organization, to grow my wings and discover my true capabilities.

Whatever unfolds in this next chapter of the Imps story, I am so incredibly grateful for my business partners/best friends. I am grateful for Wednesday night meetings and conversations. I am grateful for our openness and healthy communication. I am grateful I opened the door to the Impropriety Society when they asked for help two years ago. And I am grateful for the opportunity to open the doors to new possibilities for evolution no matter where they lead.