Sunday, May 16, 2010

I Love My Life

This has been an amazing weekend and it not over yet. It is Sunday, shortly after noon. I have just come off of a couple of rich intimacy experiences on Friday and Saturday nights and am headed into another one. I am home for awhile, checking email and Facebook, connecting with my daughter, unexpectedly connecting with one of my best friends, weed-eating the yard, and grateful for the time to reflect before I head to (potentially) the last Fire.

Our tribe has had a tradition of Eat, Drink, Burn during the summer months the last couple years. Two dear friends have a fire circle in their backyard and we have a gathering of abundance. Everyone is asked to bring something to share -- something to eat, drink or burn (and burn can be interpreted in many ways). Initiation to the Fire requires a story. One must offer a story to the Fire, the presence in the gathering that is consistent every week. A story doesn't have to be a true story, or in story form. Some have offered songs or poetry. These rituals of connection have made for a different experience of intimacy than we get from other events or gatherings.

Some Fires have ritual intentions, especially if there is a holy day of some kind nearby. Today we honor Graduation, as we have several graduates of Humboldt State University in our midst. There are other metaphorical graduations taking place right now as well. The hosts of Fire are leaving Humboldt to start a new life adventure as one pursues her doctorate. One of my closest friends just left her secure, traditionally successful job to embrace the life of her heart. I am certain I will learn of other graduations tonight. And then there's me, going through this.

I am graduating from a state of fear consciousness into a greater experience of love. And I am amazed at how quickly the Universe is responding to my loving intention. As I shift my intention daily towards a spiritual and loving perspective, the Universe offers me situations in which to experience the life I am dreaming is possible. As I practice my self-care, I am gifted with unexpected support from friends and community. As I practice open-heartedness, I am gifted with incredible intimacy.

Friday night I somewhat reluctantly went to a private play party. I was tired. I didn't know who would be there or what the energy would be like. But at the last minute I felt an intuitive knudge to be open. Knight decided to attend this party at the last minute as well. I learned this minutes before leaving, so I called in order to negotiate expectations. I didn't want to assume he would want to be intimate with me and I didn't want to assume that he wouldn't play with someone else. We determined we were both open to play with each other and imagined that if play with others did happen, it would be light bdsm rather than sex. It could be challenging but it could also be fun. An opportunity to experience compersion.

On my drive to the party I shifted myself towards an open-hearted and loving intention. I focused my thoughts and energy on being open to connection, not just with Knight but with whomever was there. And I know it is this intent that led to the remarkable experience that followed.

The party was great. The mix of people was different than I had experienced before, but we had fun, good conversation and some beautiful play. I watched two dear friends wrestle and giggle. I got turned on by an impact play scene. And I witnessed a community member have what I believe to be a heart-opening and life-changing play experience.

And then Knight and I spontaneously flowed into a threesome with a friend of mine. There was a woman at the party with whom I have a flirtacious history. On my side there is a fairly strong attraction to her sexually, emotionally and creatively. We almost dated a couple years ago but life carried us elsewhere and we've only had occasional social interactions since. When I sat by her and we started talking, the chemistry was strong. We were touching without even thinking about it. I think Knight sensed it, because he initiated the idea of a light bdsm scene with us co-topping her. It just flowed from there, more into sexual expression than bdsm. It was beautiful. I'll likely write a separate post about the meaning it holds for me in my unfolding relationship with Knight, polymory and my queer identity.

On Saturday Knight fulfilled a wish of mine. I have been strongly desiring a heavy impact scene as an opportunity for cathartic emotional release. I wanted a beating. I surrender as a submissive to heavy impact scenes because the physical, energetic and emotional intensity of those scenes helps me to process my emotional life, especially during phases of intense transformation. A scene is a ritual expression in the physical world of my submission to the Divine in the spiritual world. I am grateful to have Knight, who understands this dance between the physical, emotional and spiritual, desire to give such an experience to me. There is a new richness in surrendering so deeply to him with what we're going through. He gave me exactly what I needed in every way and our intimacy has deepened because of it.

I love my life. I am so blessed to be a witness to and participant in these intimate experiences. What most people don't understand about the sex-positive lifestyle is that it allows for the most incredible experiences of relationship -- not just with lovers, but with friends and community members. It isn't just about the sex and bdsm. Not everyone is polyamorous, nor does everyone come to events to play. It's about the incredible intimacy, the sharing and connection that happens when people let their guard down and just be themselves.

As a culture, we are so focused on the idea of marriage/life-partnership as the ultimate expression of relationship and give up the potential experiences of intimacy that we can have with others--whether other lovers, intimate friends or community involvements. We make the primary relationship our end all and be all and then wonder why the majority of us can't make it work, at least not in a healthy way. For most of us it takes a community to meet all of our needs. We can't do it on our own, and we can't expect one other person to do it either.

I believe it is possible to create a life in which we can have all of our needs met. And I think that's what my tribe is striving for. Because we learn how to negotiate getting our sexual needs met, whatever they might be, we also learn how to negotiate getting our other needs met -- our needs for emotional intimacy, friendship and community, work we love and creative expression. As we express our authenticity around pleasure and sex, we become more authentic in every other aspect of our lives. Sex-positive community is a crucible for conscious evolution. You dive in deep enough with us and you can't escape it.

I love my life. And I love that I get to share it with so many remarkable you. Thank you for witnessing.

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