The Audacity of Authenticity

"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be, and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means:

• Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;

• Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving and resilient human spirit; and

• Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen we believe that we are
enough.

Authenticity demands wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re
wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so
intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.

Choosing authenticity is not only an act of courage; it is an act of resistance. You’re going to
confuse, piss-off and terrify lots of people – including yourself. One minute you'll pray that
the transformation ends and the next minute you’ll pray that it never ends.

But, if we want to engage in our lives from a place of worthiness, authenticity is not an option. We have to wake up every morning and say, “is is who I am, this is my story, and . . . I am enough.”

Brene Brown, from What is Dying to be Born?

YES. This is who I am, this is my story, and I am enough.

And the same goes for you.

The Free Pass at the Campout

Speaking of living the Love Story...

Last Saturday was the staff party for the Prom. Two weeks after every large event, the Imps have a staff decompression and appreciation party. This time we had a campout at a lovely spot with redwoods and wild flowers in a lodge with a giant fire place in the center of the room.

Knight and I started negotiating the staff party soon after the break-up. We knew it could be a difficult experience. We have been to every Imps event as a couple since we met. Most of the time I was convinced that I would only stay for the decompression. I believed that the grief would be too overwhelming and it wouldn't be good for me (or anyone else) to stay.

A couple days before the event, I asked Knight what his ideal situation for the staff party would be and he indicated that he desired to have a shared play experience, which ultimately led to an expressed openness to sharing intimacy on our own or with others. At first it took me some time to figure out if sharing intimacy at the party would create more suffering or not, but then the question changed to what the most loving choice would be. We could focus on our heartache, attend the party and keep our distance from one another, restraining the love and desire that still flows, being awkward and sad. Or we could take an expanded view and give ourselves a free pass to express our love for each other without inhibition or attachment.

So we chose love. It was beautiful. It was healing. And if it is the last time we are intimate, I couldn't have wished for a more joyful ending to our lover relationship. We were so incredibly present to each other and the moment. There was no grief (until the morning after). We saw each other with eyes of pure love. I believe that I see him more clearly now than I ever have. As we've untangled our entanglements and talked through our processes with openness, I have come to see and understand him better -- who he is, how he feels, why he experiences the world and our relationship the way he does. As I witness him stand in his integrity and authenticity around the necessity of change in our relationship, I see a strength I didn't know was there. As I experience his openheartedness with me, despite how I've hurt him, I finally see the profound depth of his capacity to love unconditionally.

We don't know if we will be intimate again. We agreed that nothing would change as far as our relationship transition is concerned. We have no idea what we're transitioning into. We still have processing and healing to do. We are still walking the tightrope between honoring our authentic impulses toward intimacy and breaking our habits of each other. But our experience over the weekend gives me hope. Whatever our relationship looks like, we are already transitioning to a deeper, more present experience of love. Our individual emotional and spiritual evolutions are being transformed by the continued unfolding of our relationship. We have the potential to write ourselves into an amazing love story that defies social convention.

I am voraciously reading The Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma tonight. I am deeply inspired by her vision of love and relationship. My spiritual longing has been ignited by this experience and the book is reconnecting me with a spiritual perspective of my unfolding. It has been too long since I consciously nurtured my spirituality. I feel inspired and excited. I feel as though I am coming home to myself again. I hope it is the same for him.

Choosing to Live a Love Story

"That same circuitry is active in your brain today in the amygdala, hippocampus, and related structures. It's hard-wired to scan for the bad, and when it inevitably finds negative things, they're both stored immediately, plus made available for rapid recall.

In contrast, positive experiences (short of million dollar moments) are usually registered through standard memory systems, and thus need to be held in conscious awareness 10 to 20 seconds for them to really sink in.

In sum, your brain is like velcro for negative experiences and teflon for positive ones.

In the moment, this built-in bias puts a negative spin on the world and intensifies our stress and reactivity. Over time, these experiences build up in what’s called “implicit memory,” casting a glum shadow over mood and outlook, and darkening one’s interior landscape. Yes, these hard-wired inclinations have been evolutionarily successful, but Mother Nature cares about grandchildren, not about dukkha."

- Rick Hanson, psychologist, and Rick Mendius, neurologist

Something I have known intellectually for years is finally sinking in experientially -- where we put our attention defines, and even creates, our experience. The way to cultivate attention is to live with intention.

I spend far too much time putting my attention on shadows. Rather than intentionally cultivating gratitude and appreciation for the abundance of goodness I have in my life, I have been focused on not-enoughness, disappointment and other negative judgments of myself and the people in my life. Especially within my changing relationship.

(Oh goodness, I need something to call the man I love with all my being but is no longer my "partner." From now on I shall call him Knight. In many ways he has been my Knight in Shining Armor, even if we may not live happily ever after from a traditional perspective. We are rewriting the fairy tale and redefining "happily ever after.")

Knight is a truly good man. He is a good provider who makes a living doing something he loves, which is serving and facilitating healing for others. He is dedicated to family. He is fun and made me laugh a lot. He has a strong masculine/feminine balance and is overall a great communicator. He is remarkably accepting and non-judgmental of mine and other people's quirks and shadows. He is smart and creative. He works toward his own evolution and encourages others in their work. He is curious and adventurous. He is incredibly sexy and a wonderful lover. He is definitely a great catch. I had so many moments with him where I consciously thought about how blessed I was to be in the closest possible relationship to him. I was consistently surprised by the beauty in him -- his openness, his tremendous capacity and desire for love, and his insights into the human condition. I could see the Divine Spark in him and it is so very beautiful.

And yet as his quirks and shadows emerged over time, I took them personally and paid them too much attention. I allowed them to feed my fear stories. I became emotionally volatile. When a situation with him would set off a trigger, I would sink into the fear and shut him out. My communication would become violent -- passive aggressive, blaming, criticizing -- which would set off the fear triggers in him and send us into a tailspin as we tried to inflict pain on one another in some twisted sense of self protection. Our shadows weren't dancing well together and we didn't put the needed intention into learning how to dance with grace. We protected ourselves right out of our relationship. Funny how I don't feel any more safe or secure now.

Instead of focusing on how Knight was choosing me as a life partner, to the point of making compromises for me, I focused on my fears around his desire to be polyamorous. Instead of maintaining gratitude and appreciation for all the consistent ways he supported me, listened to me, encouraged my growth, and expressed his love and desire for me, I tripped out on him when I misunderstood him or he was self-absorbed or fell down in his own fearful stories. Instead of practicing compassion and holding space for his experience, which would have deepened our intimacy and strengthened our bond, I became self-absorbed in my fear and pushed him away.

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I believe that I have been too focused on my own shadow. While we cannot bring our shadows into the light without paying serious attention to them, I believe that we can focus too much on our "deficiencies" and live in a consistent fear of fucking up. We pay so much attention to our fears that we bring them to life. I have seen this pattern in others, but I have never consciously experienced it in my own life like I am now.

In recent months I have had to face the shadow of violence within me. I have become aware of how I communicate violently and how I sometimes hurt people I love with my words and my tone. And it has made me afraid. I am so very afraid of hurting anyone ever again. I am judging and blaming myself for the pain I've caused. I am perceiving judgment all around me, believing that people see me as a fraud, incapable of living the love I claim to be striving for and ask them to strive for. I have been so afraid that I started worrying the crazies might be coming back -- or never really went away. I have been afraid that I will do the unforgivable, and living so deep in that fear that I created exactly what I was afraid of. I did something that may be forgivable, but has lost me one of the most precious gifts the Universe has given me. How can I not feel like a failure? I don't think I have failed so big. While I can usually find the opportunity, and even the beauty, in every failure or disappointment in my life, I can't imagine how that is possible with this. I have lost the love of my life, someone with whom I feel more potential for a love-filled life than I have ever felt before. How do I find the grace to forgive myself and believe that I am deserving and capable of a healthy, loving relationship?

Instead of writing a love story, which is what I believed myself to be doing, I was writing a fear story and brought my fear to life. I don't know that I have ever understood my own creative power so well. It's time to put that power to better uses.

One of the questions I am living is how can I trust the Universe if I cannot trust myself? How can I trust someone elses love for me if I cannot trust my own love? I am more violent with myself than I am with anyone else. I have voices inside, voices that I spend much too much time listening to, that tell me I am a failure, that I have no right attempting to make change in the world when I have so much change to make in myself, and that I should hide away with my fucked-up-ness. My saboteur runs rampant in me and keeps me from doing all that I am inspired to do. I am terribly unkind to myself. I neglect my body to the point that I am living with near daily discomfort or pain. I strive to take good care of the people I love -- my children, my tribe and the greater community I serve -- but I don't take care of myself. I try to meet everyone else's expectations -- sometimes to my own detriment -- and yet I don't feel deserving to ask for what I need or desire from others.

I desire to be living a love story, not a fear story. And not just with Knight, but with myself. Oh wow, I just realized a whole new layer to what is unfolding. I have been unable to forgive my mother for choosing a fear story over her love for me. I have also struggled to forgive my ex-husband for choosing a fear story over his love for me and my children. I have judged them, blamed them and struggled to forgive them because they are a mirror for my own fear choices. I have been doing the same damn thing, choosing to give attention to my fear more than my love.

When my mother died, a friend told me it was an opportunity to be free. I have convinced myself that the path to freedom is digging into my wounds. I have given tremendous power to my wounds, allowing them to disrupt the flow of love in my life. Every difficult moment I had with the Knight (and in all of my other relationships) was based in a fear story that reinforced my wounding. Once I was emotionally triggered by a situation, I couldn't break free of the wounded story. Instead I fed it and reinforced it by setting limitations for myself and our relationship.

I haven't broken free of my mother's hold on my life, I have become her.

"The whole world is waiting for someone to open their heart first." Byron Katie

This is my wake up call. I have always had a passion for self development because even though I was born into such a deep fear story, I was also born with a deep intuitive knowing of what living a Love Story can be. I have never been able to explain it properly to people, but I can feel the potential of living a Love filled life. I can feel it within myself, within others, and in relationship between myself and others. I work so hard on myself and on my relationships because I am striving to create that Love experience. I work to bring information and experiences to others that will encourage the Love because I am striving to create what I feel is possible. I believe in Love fiercely and I will do whatever it takes to open myself to it to my fullest capacity and encourage others to do the same. Right now that means ending the fear story I've been living and intentfully writing my Love Story.

Thank you for being a part of it.

"You suppose you are the trouble, but you are the cure. You suppose you are the lock on the door, but you are the key that opens it. It is too bad that you want to be someone else. You don't see your own face, your own beauty, yet no face is more beautiful than yours." ~ Rumi

Standing My Own Witness

There are so many things I desire to write about tonight. The ideas are flowing faster than I can keep up with them. I am titling future blog posts so I can remember the topics that inspire me and hope that when I get to them, it will be right timing and all I desire to say will be said.

But right now my heart tells me to write about this…

I received an anonymous love and gratitude note in my mailbox yesterday.

April, Thank you for everything you do and are. You share so much of yourself and I know sometimes you don’t feel appreciated, but you always are.

As you heal your heart, call on your creativity. Make something beautiful. Pour your love and disappointment, your joy and anguish into the art. Heal yourself through your joy of creating. You are an amazing woman, and have strengths that are admirable.

Love, A Sister on this Journey

I am deeply touched. I feel incredibly loved. The Universe is totally looking out for me right now. Many messengers of love and guidance are being sent my way.

One of the primary causes of my relationship strife has been a sense of not being fully supported, not always being held when I think or feel I need to be, and fear that I am not really seen or loved. It is so incredibly easy (and lazy) to believe such things. It takes work—diligence, intention, discipline—to consciously maintain an experience of abundance.

Right now, even in my grief, the abundance cannot be ignored. The Universe is showering me with blessings. I am experiencing being supported and held, witnessed and loved every single day. But it isn’t always so apparent. When visible, audible, and touchable experiences have spaces between them, it is easy to fall into the old stories. I start telling myself the stories of invisibility--the stories that say I am not seen, so I am not loved.

Rewriting the old stories is hard, hard work. I am the daughter of a mentally ill, narcissistic, addicted mother. My bio father disappeared before my birth, my adopted father had his own dysfunction and did not protect us from my mother’s sickness, and my stepfather was an alcoholic and drug addict. Instead of my needs being met for proper emotional development, I experienced trauma after trauma. Most of my existence was about surviving neglect or violence of some kind. My brain was programmed from birth to think that I am invisible – I am not seen, I always live in the shadow of others – and I do not deserve emotional support. I was also programmed to believe that violence—physical or verbal—and emotional manipulation is normal and acceptable behavior.

I have been consciously working on changing the stories for a long time. As a teenager I knew there was another way of being and I sought it. I started reading self-development books at 15. I read all of Leo Buscaglia’s books. I read Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled and Christina Baldwin’s Life’s Companion. I also took religion very seriously. I have been in love with God for as long as I can remember. I have always known that there is a place of healing for me in a combination of Psychology and Mysticism.

And then there was the writing. I have always been a writer. I wrote letters to my friends and started journaling in junior high. I wrote out all the heartache that I was experiencing at home. I wrote to connect with others. And eventually, I wrote myself sane.

I was diagnosable with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was a young adult (that is a whole story of its own that will come one day). I tried many approaches to mental health. I took medications. Zoloft for depression. Something else for panic attacks. And I went to therapy with a few different providers. Medication managed my symptoms but didn't change any stories. Therapy was intermittently effective. At least I was witnessed and I could talk myself into insights. But I needed more engagement and guidance than therapy offered. I needed to really understand myself. I didn’t just need to be listened to, I needed to learn.

I took my healing into my own hands. I read everything I could get my hands on about psychology, consciousness and various aspects of spirituality. And I wrote. I wrote a lot. I have a trunk full of journals. I wrote about everything I was experiencing and how I was evolving. I wrote about everything I dream I could be. I also wrote creatively. Poetry, creative nonfiction, and essays/articles.

I truly believe that writing saved my life and by extension my children’s lives. I believe I am a good mother with fairly healthy (not broken) children because I studied and wrote myself into enough emotional health to meet their developmental needs.

I stopped writing for most of my 7 year marriage. I didn’t have the time or solitary space for it. And I couldn’t risk what I would have to face about myself and the life I was choosing if I did wrote it down. I knew I wasn’t living an authentic life. I traded a sense of security (believing I was seen and loved) for an authentic expression of everything that I am. I did whatever I had to do to maintain the illusion. With him that meant making myself as small and afraid as him. I stopped doing nearly everything that really mattered to me. Until I met my mama-writers group and I wrote myself out of my marriage and into a significantly more authentic life.

Then the Imps happened and I stopped writing again. I have been so busy with being a hostess and developing a multitude of amazing relationships. I have immersed myself in relationship again. It’s a much healthier immersion than my marriage, but it’s still immersion and it has shadow. I am so hungry to be seen and loved that I try to spend every minute with someone else or doing Imps work that makes me visible in the community. I haven’t made the time and space for what I need – to write, to study, and to nurture a relationship with the Divine.

The result? I have been out of control emotionally and now I have lost a life-partner relationship with the love of my life because of it. This is my wake up call. I am going to heal myself through writing. I am going to meet my own needs through acts of self-care. I am going to find my Center again and consciously strive to maintain it.

My “Sister of the Journey” has affirmed that I am on the right path. Right now my creativity is writing, telling my story. I am “pouring my love and disappointment, my joy and anguish” into this blog. I am believing that my own story is beautiful.

As I’ve thought about the growth of the Imps and my desire to do work-of-my-heart, I’ve considered turning this blog into part of our/my marketing strategy. I've been reading about the business of blogging so that I can sell myself. But that’s not what I need right now. I just need to write for my healing so that I don’t ever have to experience giving up the love of my life again. And so that I never hurt another human being like I have hurt him…and myself. It doesn’t matter how many people read this or if some people don’t like that my posts are so long and personal. The people who are meant to will read it. What matters is that I tell my truth and witness my own experience.

Wow! More serendipitous support. A friend of mine asked me the other day, “How can you stand as your own witness?” I see now that this blog is the answer. I can trust that I have a story to tell, a story worthy of being documented and witnessed, if only by myself.

Grief

When I can transcend the overwhelming experience of it, I find grief to be a fascinating process. I have been grieving the loss of my partner-relationship for 8 days. I am wired to experience my emotions fully. Repressing my grief is not an option. It's not healthy for anyone, but as big as I experience my emotions (which is both a blessing and a curse), it is especially not healthy for me. It will explode in some way if I don't honor it and there will be wreckage. I'm striving to minimize wreckage in my life.

However, being functional and having the will to stop myself from a downward spiral is also vital. I can be swept away by the emotion and create suffering. I had a long-term relationship with the darkness of sadness and madness. Sometimes they still try to tempt me back into their arms. I have to be vigilant about physically getting up every day and spending time in the light. I also have to be vigilant about making connections with other people -- being witnessed and supported. It is so healing to have a tribe that cares for you.

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Grief travels in waves. When the loss is brand new, they are tsunami waves that threaten to drown. It feels oppressive. It creates a sense of being pressed down into the darkness. It is pressure and it is constant aching. It can literally be difficult to breathe. It is in the body as much as it is in the heart. During this stage I spent considerable time in the darkness of my bedroom, on purpose. Besides the incessant crying, I felt physically ill. I took days off from work. Beyond the necessity of caring for my teenage daughter's and my own basic needs I was not functional. I couldn't think clearly. The stories were looping incessantly.

As time passes the waves become a little less oppressive every day. The pressure slowly releases. There are actual waves with crests and trenches. They become further apart. I can be distracted from the heartache. Time with friends can make me feel lighter and focus my attention on how much love I have in my life. Vegging out on movies between intense processing sessions can immerse me in someone else's story for a while. Working can let me think in non-emotional ways and provide a sense of accomplishment.

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Some waves are pure emotion. Unstoppable tears. Sobs wracking my entire body. Raw heartache. No words or thoughts provoking the feeling.

There are the waves of shame and regret. I wish I had made different choices. I wish I had never learned to use words as weapons so well and I wish I knew how to stop doing so when I'm scared or feel invisible. I wish I took care of myself and I had more emotional control after big events...or enough consciousness to recognize when I'm on a trip. I wish I wasn't so judgmental and critical. I wish I was more unconditional and patient. I wish I was more graceful when I was disappointed. I wish I had loved him better.

There are the waves of wounded stories. Stories of blame and victimhood. Stories of abandonment and neglect. Stories of shame and not-enoughness. There are the stories we tell ourselves about the other person and run through the filter of our fears from past events. We analyze how they acted, what they said, what their actions meant. We tell ourselves how they failed us or how they made our worst fears come true. I won't tell you my stories right now. I don't want to share negativity or reinforce them.

The other waves are about particular losses. Time spent together. Precious daily rituals. Laughter. Flirting. Touch. Being held. Laying on his chest, hearing his heartbeat as my fingers caress his throat and rub his ear. Uninhibited communication. Trust to the point of sharing those things we are most ashamed of and afraid to be rejected for. I could go on forever. There are a kajillion things I feel I've lost.

The wave I'm in right now that is keeping me from sleeping and compelling me to write is grieving our sex life. We had an amazing and passionate sex life. After 14 months we still couldn't get enough of each other. We flirted all the time. We were uninhibited in expressing our desire for each other. We have significant compatibility around physical affection and sexual intimacy as primary expressions of our love. We were adventurous. We pushed limits together into new and mysterious parts of ourselves. We shared our sexual relationship with our friends and community. Our first few parties together, we had many people telling us how much they enjoyed our energy when we played.

And then there is how sexy and desired I feel with him. He awakened something in me, opened me to a new comfort and confidence in my sexuality. I was in the process of losing more and more inhibition and insecurity with him, allowing myself to express my love and desire through erotic expression. I had more I desired to give, to share, and now instead I must figure out what to do with this tremendous sexual energy that courses through my body when I think of him.

I have been watching movies when I need downtime from emotional processing and intentionally avoiding stories with romantic themes. Absolutely everything reminds me of us. But I watched the musical Nine tonight, not realizing how sexual of a movie it is. While there are no actual sex scenes, there is a ferocity of sexuality in the story and performances. I was turned on. I thought about how much we would enjoy watching certain scenes together. I thought about how much I've wanted to do an erotic dance or strip tease for him. And I realized I can't feel arousal or touch myself without crying. I can't fantasize because I can only fantasize about being with him. Sexual release without him present feels alien. I haven't masturbated much at all during our relationship because I didn't feel the need. I was satiated with what he gave me.

There is light and shadow in my grieving our sexual relationship. It is an alchemy of not-so-healthy yearning (we are both addicted to being validated through sex) and a truly loving desire to merge body, heart and soul. Sometimes sex was about physical or emotional need. Sometimes it was an expression of intimacy and our immense love. But other times we achieved a Divine Spark to Divine Spark connection. (We both professed a desire to explore Tantra and deepen the blending of sexual and spiritual, but never followed through. I keep asking myself if things would be different if we had spent more time intentionally seeing and experiencing the Divine in one another, sexually and otherwise?)

I am no stranger to immense grief. I have survived many losses. It's been less than two years since my mother died. Grief used to be crippling, but I believe I am learning how to navigate grief in a healthy way -- to fully express my emotion but not create unnecessary suffering.

And I believe there is meaning to be found in sharing my grief journeys with others. Thank you for holding space for me to do so.

Death and Rebirth

I haven't written in awhile. As big Imp events approach, there tends to be less space for reflection. But now that we are headed into summer, I have a feeling - actually it's an intention - that I will be writing a lot more in the coming days. It's time to make some significant changes in my life and writing helps me significantly during times of transformation. I feel compelled to share this story as it unfolds, partially because I seek to be witnessed and partially because I always hope that sharing my story will be useful to someone else. It is in the sharing of our stories that we can find connection, meaning, insight, and a plethora of other gifts. And sometimes hearing someone else's story just lets us know we are not alone.

Don't hide your heart but reveal it, So that I may know mine too, And know what I am capable of... - Rumi

As I've said before, I've hesitated to be completely vulnerable in my writing here because this blog is associated with the Imps and because people I interact with regularly read it. As I bounce between the risk of transparency and the belief that I have to be "professional," I realize that I just need to honor that this is the space I created for writing the unfolding story of my life as an erotic hostess. The personal is just as much a part of that story as the professional is.

The image above is the Transformation card from the Osho Zen Tarot deck. In other decks it is known as the Death card. I love this card and because of it I have come to lovingly label times of intense transformation as "burning in Kali's Fire." The Fire of Transformation burns away the old (illusions, fears, wounds, all the things that keep us small) and forges a purer heart. Sitting in the Fire is painful, but it always leads to healthier and deeper capacities to love.

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey

It's been an excruciatingly painful week for me. My guy and I ended our partner-relationship. It turns out that neither of us is ready or able to fulfill the potential of our connection because we are nowhere near as profoundly in love with ourselves as we are with each other. We had been planning to move in together on June 1st, but the last few weeks/months we have been sinking into unhealthy patterns and hurting one another in the process. It all exploded last Monday and we have been navigating the wreckage since. There is no blame and there are no sides to take. We both made mistakes. We both neglected to put intention into the relationship and the necessary work into our own self-care and healing. Our trust in ourselves, each other and the relationship eroded. Our shadows and our fears took over. We have chosen to end that part of our relationship for now because it is the healthy choice to untangle our entanglements and overcome our dependency on (addiction to) one another. We both need time and space to focus on cultivating as much love for ourselves as we have for each other.

What makes this break up different than any other either of us have experienced is that our love is immense. And we are still madly in love with each other. We have put on the breaks before we stopped being in love. While it might feel easier to do the traditional break up -- to become distant and shut down our hearts to one another -- it isn't the loving choice that we desire to make. We are striving to remain open to the love we share and just shift its expression. We desire to maintain intimacy and support one another as we try to align with our right paths as individuals. We are open to new possibilities as we change. This is a death that will lead to some kind of rebirth. Maybe we are meant to be together and this whole process will birth a much healthier, richer relationship than we had before. Or maybe we were meant to be catapulted into our individual evolutions by our entanglement and then move forward as intimate friends. We have no idea about the future, we only know what we need to do now to move forward in love rather than fear and to build trust again.

Besides our personal motivation for remaining connected, there are other motivations as well. As much as I struggle with it sometimes, being part of a close-knit tribe and being community leaders for the Imps demand that we interact in healthy, loving ways. We will be attending a meeting on Wednesday and the staff decompression-party on Saturday. The following weekend will be a graduation celebration for tribemates on Saturday and an intimate gathering on Sunday. Unless one or both of us isolates ourselves from our tribe and/or stops working for the Imps, we have to maintain a relationship. It's a win-win for everyone that we desire to. I trust our tribe can hold space for the heartache and awkwardness that we will experience as we shift to a new sort of relating. They have already started.

Of course I have no idea what it will look or feel like when we attend future Imps events and play with others. While neither of us are in the right space for long-term relationship, that doesn't mean we won't have other intimate and sexual connections as we work on our personal evolutions. Unlike other communities where sex is kept behind closed doors, continuing to participate in this community requires an openness to the reality that we may see the other have sex with someone else. It's a very scary thought to me right now, but I am trusting that I will reach a place of ok-ness within myself in time so that I am not overcome with jealousy and other fear-based reactions.

It hurts like hell to do it this way. We can't escape, distract or disconnect from the heartache too much when we're continuing to interact. There is a necessary willingness to sit with the heartache and to process through all the negativity that comes to the surface. We are still talking and listening. There is a surprising willingness to hold space for one another as we untangle the mess we've made. Some moments I want nothing more than to blame and shut down. Some moments I am very afraid that I am alone, will remain alone and will not experience love like ours again. Many other moments I feel expansive and connected and I know to the core of my being that this will lead to very good things for us both. Choosing love is always the right choice.

A Free Thinking People

"This is my feminism, that I might think the thoughts which I would like to think. And then choose, from personal power and clarity, where my allegiance and attention will be given." from Shiloh Sophia's blog

Girl Power Can Save the World

Replace the word "girl" with "feminine" and this totally supports my thoughts in the previous post on feminine leadership.



"Imagine that girl is the part of each of us that feels compassion, empathy, passion, intensity, association, relationship, emotion, play, resistance, vulnerability, intuitive intelligence, vision.

Imagine that compassion informs wisdom. That vulnerability is our greatest strength. That emotions have inherent logic and lead to radical saving action.

Now remember that those in power essentially taught us and conditioned us to believe the opposite:

Compassion clouds your thinking.

Vulnerability is weakness.

Emotions are not to be trusted.

Don't take things personally.

To be a boy means not to be a girl.

To be a man means not to be a girl.

To be strong means not to be a girl.

To be a woman means not to be a girl.

To be a leader means not to be a girl.

It must be very powerful to be a girl if everyone Is taught not to be one."

Feminine Leadership

Let me start by explaining what I mean when I use the words masculine and feminine. This isn't about gender. I am not writing about women vs. men. I believe in an evolved version of Jung's ideas that all human beings have masculine and feminine qualities within them and it is part of emotional health to be an integrated expression of those qualities.

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A brief description of the qualities that are associated with each (every quality having its own light and shadow expressions):

Masculine: Logical, assertive, active, initiating, tender, risk-taking, focused, rational, providing, protective, independent

Feminine: Intuitive, passive, receptive, responsive, sensitive, intense, connection oriented, emotional, creative, nurturing, relationship oriented

*

I believe that a healthy approach to all of life honors the light qualities of the masculine and feminine. However, we are not balanced as individuals or as a collective. We live in a culture (a world) that honors masculine qualities more than feminine, especially outside of the home. One does not have to be an academic or fierce feminist to understand that we are slowly moving out of a rational and patriarchal paradigm...and we still have a long way to go. I believe it is important to focus attention and intention on nurturing the feminine in order to bring eventual balance. We need to lift the feminine to the same honor and respect that the masculine receives.

We also need to shift away from shadow expressions of the masculine (aggression, domination, violence) and feminine (helplessness, co-dependence, drama). It is by nurturing positive expressions that we become healthier, happier people and ensure humanity's ultimate survival. What people don't tend to consider is that men suffer as much as women from the patriarchal imbalance. A man who is not allowed to be emotional cannot have empathy for others. A lack of empathy leads to isolation and violence. Similarly, a woman who lacks assertiveness cannot be empowered to resist oppression. We all need to find the healthy balance.

*

Over the last two years some community members have expressed their thoughts about the Society being led by three women. Someone called us a matriarchy. Young women tell us that we are their role models. People have expressed an overall appreciation that women are in charge. There hasn't been a deep discussion that I'm aware of, just comments here and there. It hasn't been something that I gave much thought to. In the moment I would have a flash of resonance that it seems significant that we are a women-led organization, yet I didn't really sit with it until recently.

Another blogger shared a definition of feminine that resonates with me: "Feminine is a force to be reckoned with...nurturing, inclusive, and intrinsically and actively compassionate. Midwives and caretakers of ideas and community, Feminine is sought out for guidance, inspiration, and comfort."

It isn't that we are women that is so significant, it's that we are feminine leaders. We believe being "caretakers of community" is the most important aspect of our work as erotic hostesses and sex-positive activists. Discussions have come up in the Imps leadership recently that emphasize how we make decisions differently than others might, especially those with more traditional, or masculine, tendencies. It is becoming apparent that what makes us different is that we operate from a feminine perspective.

I am really beginning to see the importance of feminine leadership. We don't have many role-models for feminine leaders, female or male. Women in leadership tend to express more masculine qualities, often out of necessity to have a chance at leadership at all. Would you use the description of feminine above to describe Hilary Clinton or Condaleeza Rice? I hardly think so. The workplace virtually demands that we choose rational over emotional, logical over intuitive, and authoritative over collaborative. Every dysfunctional work culture I have participated in suffers from a lack of feminine awareness. Feminine leadership is needed to show there is a different way of doing things.

Within the Imps we are trying something different and I think it's just as revolutionary as being sex-positive. Love is our bottom line. We lead the Society from a relationship-centered point of view. We intentionally work for compassion and inclusiveness, even when it challenges us to do so. We recognize that most of our challenges involve relationship. We put our people management efforts into solving relationship challenges and nurturing positive relationships with healthy communication. Our staff meetings involve activities with the intention of building and strengthening relationships.

We also honor the emotional. We hold space for emotions as they arise, especially the painful ones. We produce our events with an awareness of the intense emotions that are stirred up by erotic parties, which is why we have a Vibes crew. We know we have to do more than facilitate a safe physical space, we need to facilitate a safe emotional space for people to feel they can be vulnerable in expressing themselves. The emotional matters very much when it comes to expressing sex and gender, identity and relationship. The emotional also matters in building community.

I am coming out as a feminine leader and I am finding my confidence and my strength as such. I lead with my heart. I am intensely emotional. I make decisions based on intuition and compassionate relationship. I consider how others, individually and collectively, are impacted by our decisions because I see and feel the ripples that happen with each choice we make.

As far as my own balance is concerned, I have masculine qualities to balance my feminine. I am assertive, risk taking, focused and authoritative/decisive when needed. But I have more work to do. I still try too hard to please everyone and I take it personally when I don't. I can be too passive/receptive and not take an active role in building individual relationships. I can be co-dependent rather than appropriately independent (on the other hand, I can also be too independent and not ask for the help I need).

I am working toward my balance, but I feel focusing on a feminine approach to leadership is a vital experience for myself and for the community. I think we need to understand what feminine leadership is and how it works before we can truly integrate it with the masculine for a holistic approach.

First Video Interview

Dave over at Manifest Positivityrecorded a video interview with one of my business partners and myself while we were at HSU's Sexland Sexpo last Saturday.

The Risks of Personal Disclosure

After reading my last post about an explicit sexual adventure, I had a friend who is new to the blog world ask about my boundaries around personal disclosure. He is wondering how personal he should be on his own blog, with his current guide being whether the personal directly applies to the mission of his project.

I have to admit that as I was writing the post, I considered how I hope the blog will lead to more exposure for the Society and for me as a writer and professional, and I wondered if it would be considered inappropriate to write so explicitly, even if my business directly involves sex. On the other hand, I could see how titillating readers with explicit sex can be an attraction that leads them to my other content. Ultimately I decided that what really matters most to me is personal truth. If someone doesn't want to read my blog or take my business seriously because I occasionally write about sex or my personal relationships, then we aren't meant for each other. There may be people who don't resonate with what I write about conscious leadership or spirituality either. That's ok. We aren't meant for each other.

Writing, or any other creative expression, shouldn't be about reaching every human being on the planet with your message. It's about making genuine connection and reaching the people who resonate with your message; people who will be touched, inspired, or challenged by your experiences.

As a writer, I have never had boundaries around personal disclosure. This is my fourth blog and all of them have combined the personal with a specific mission (the Yoni Endeavor was about women's issues; The Conspiracy of Blessings was about creativity, generosity and gift economy; and my personal blog was about my journey as a mystic). I came into this world wired to share my feelings and experiences, no matter how taboo or uncomfortable or unpalatable they may be to some people. I believe that telling our personal stories of transformation is vital to humanity's transformation. I believe telling the truth about how we work to overcome our struggles and suffering is important to our collective evolution. I believe honoring our emotions is vital to a healthy life.

And I believe that part of my purpose in life is to shine the light on the shadow. I've had an unusual share of trauma in my life. I have used writing both as a method of healing and consciousness raising. I've written about rape, incest and domestic violence. I've written about the dark side of parenting and being the daughter of a narcissist. I've written about mental illness. And now I write about sex, conscious leadership, spirituality and how they all intersect in my life and in the Society.

I strive to be an integrated human being. I do not disassociate and keep different parts of my life packaged up so they don't bleed into one another. I am not interested in a shiny, palatable image. I do not wish to be bland or mediocre so that I can reach a large and mainstream audience. I want to be big and bold and take risks. I want to be messy as I blur the lines between the intellectual and the emotional, personal and the professional, the sacred and the profane. I want to challenge assumptions. Right now, the biggest assumption I challenge is that sex is meant to be kept behind closed doors. We are born sexual beings and sex is a part of our every day lives. Healthy sexual expression is vital to a healthy emotional and spiritual life. How am I to be a role model for healthy sexual expression if I keep my own sex life in the shadows or buy in to the idea that my message is less meaningful because I share stories about my own sexual expression?

Unexpected Sexual Adventure

I am not an erotica writer, or much of a story teller. But I do have a rich sex life and since this is the diary of an erotic hostess, I would like to make more of an effort to share my sexual adventures.

My partner and I had an unexpected sexual adventure last night. I was very tired, physically and emotionally. I didn't anticipate being up for sex, let alone any kind of significant play. But after a visit with a friend and before settling into bed, my partner wanted to see how the new leather wrist and ankle cuffs he recently purchased fit me.

I was getting ready to climb under the covers and dressed in only a shirt. He told me to lay face down on the bed so he could fasten the ankle cuffs with the ring placed front and center. Something happens inside me when Sir suddenly tells me what to do. There is also something about being face down with ass exposed that gets my juices flowing. As comfortable as I am with Sir, and as often as we are naked together, there is a vulnerability to being naked and in submissive space that turns me on. After fastening the ankle cuffs, Sir had me turn over and fastened the wrist cuffs. Then He pulled out his rope. I knew I was in for more than a mere cuff fitting. He hadn't tied me up in quite awhile, so my excitement was quickly overcoming my exhaustion.

I went to the restroom knowing that I could be confined for a bit. When I returned the ropes were hanging from the eyehooks in the ceiling over my bed and he was placing another rope under the top end of the bed with ends hanging out both sides. He told me to remove my shirt and lay down. He pulled some metal fasteners out of his bag and methodically tied each rope to the fasteners and then hooked the fasteners to the cuff rings. I was bound with arms out to my sides and legs spread open about three feet apart and three feet in the air. Sir removed his clothes and threw his boxers on my head to cover my eyes. He climbed over my body and put his cock in my mouth. He fucked my mouth, sometimes pressing his cock all the way to the back of my throat, taking my breath away for a second or two. I could feel myself getting very wet and my clit swelling with arousal. He pulled out of my mouth and moved down to fuck my pussy. He proceeded to go back and forth between my mouth and pussy for quite awhile. I couldn't see him, I could only feel his movements and would open my mouth in anticipation when I knew his cock was approaching. It really turns him on when I suck my juices off his cock. He has a variety of kinks involving cum.

I love mouth fucking, especially when it's "forced." I love it when he grabs a handful of my hair and directs my head down to start sucking or he holds my head in place while he fucks my mouth aggressively and deeply, causing me to gag or lose my breath for a few seconds. It is a new kink for me. As I've previously written, Sir's cock is the first that I've ever really loved. And Sir is the first man that I've truly felt emotionally safe with as a sexual Dominant (as opposed to a sensation top or sadist). He is a feminist man and we have an equal relationship dynamic in our every day lives. I feel comfortable with submitting to his sexual will and find pleasure in being used to fulfill his desires.

I also love being fucked hard and aggressively. When he has my legs tied up he moves me around to provide his cock with the best sensation and fill me up as deeply as possible.

We have talked a bit about facials. I know that he likes to watch porn on the nights that we are not able to be together and I have asked him about what he likes to watch and why. I like knowing if he has any unfulfilled fantasies. He likes a lot of different kinds of porn, but has expressed a specific interest in watching men cum on women's faces. I had never had a man cum on my face before. While there is a part of me that is repulsed by the idea (primarily due to social conditioning I think), there is also a part of me that is excited by it. I have told him that I would be willing to see what it is like.

He removed my makeshift blindfold. When I could feel that he was rock hard and close to cumming, he asked where I wanted him to cum. I told him to cum wherever he wanted to. He pulled out of me and knelt over my face. He fucked my mouth for a couple minutes and then pulled away to stroke his cock. As his orgasm approached I told him how much I love watching him stroke himself. I love watching the changes in his face as the tension builds and I love seeing his cock so hard and ready to burst. He said, "Here it comes," and I closed my eyes. First I only felt a drop hit my face, then I felt it squirt across my lips, cheeks, nose and eyes. It was warm but quickly cooled. I licked up everything that fell close enough to my lips. While I have difficulty swallowing when giving Sir a blow job (something about the warmth and taste combined), I really liked tasting his slightly cooled cum. Sir wiped up the bit that was on my eyelid but left the rest of the cum on my face as he moved down to give me an orgasm with his tongue. I came so hard I squeezed his head with my thighs and moved him around as my orgasm flowed in waves through my body.

I enjoyed Sir coming on my face, both the act itself and the sensation of it. It's not something I would want to do every time we fuck, but I certainly hope it becomes part of our sexual repertoire.

I have never had such a rich sexual relationship. I love that after a year of ups and downs, learning each others light and shadow, we are still so into each other. I love that as much as we've adventured together, we still have so much to explore about our desires and our kinks. I love that he turns me on so much that I can overcome exhaustion and moodiness to experience pleasure with him. I just love Sir so much I feel like my heart could burst with it.

*Art by Mr. Hues

Accountability and Healing

I felt it was appropriate to precede this post with my feelings about conscious leadership in order to give fuller context. As an aspiring conscious leader I believe in transparency. I believe in telling the truth, especially when it's hard and scary. Raising consciousness is about telling the truth, bringing awareness to previously hidden and taboo information -- the kind of information we would prefer to ignore because it makes us uncomfortable and it makes us accountable. When we raise our consciousness, we become more accountable to living with integrity.

Contrary to what I have seen in the community leaders I have worked for in the past, I believe in taking steps towards healing and restoration of my relationships when I fail and leave emotional wreckage in my wake. Accountability is vital to the healing process. When we make an unhealthy choice that hurts or harms another person, even in the professional world, healing comes from acknowledging our failure and seeking restoration through acts of reconciliation. I think that an important aspect of conscious leadership is public accountability for one's mistakes and shadow behaviors. All long-term relationships are built on forgiveness.

I recently had a failure as a Society Hostess. I participated in a hasty decision that affected the hearts of those in Imps leadership, who are also many of my closest friends. I failed to communicate in open and thoughtful ways about that decision. I lacked consciousness around how the decision, and the process by which it was made, would affect those that I love and respect. In hindsight I am actually a bit stunned that I was so easily carried away by my own process and neglected to keep my eye on the bigger picture, as I usually strive to do.

When we learned that people were hurt by our actions, we had a meeting during which we apologized and held space for open communication around the issue. We felt it was healthier to get everything out in the open, rather than try to communicate as individuals behind the scenes where further misunderstandings and gossip could take root. While it was incredibly painful for many of us, it was also a remarkable act of trust in our love to be so raw and open about our feelings. As I listened to people express their concerns and frustration about our actions, I heard a common theme around lack of trust and a sense of not being seen or considered. The lack of trust tells me that even greater transparency is warranted. Since I have my own issues around being invisible, I have a lot of compassion for people feeling that they weren't seen or considered. I have a deep desire that everyone be truly witnessed for who they are and what they give. It hurt my heart that my actions contributed to someone feeling unseen.

Our first step toward healing was beginning our next leadership meeting with an act of intentional reconciliation. Each person pulled a name from a hat and expressed what they most appreciate about what that person brings to the Society. Then the receiver of appreciation shared what they feel they do that is unseen -- something about their work for the Society that is done behind the scenes and most people are not aware of. I believe it was an effective activity. I know that I see everyone and what they give better than I did before and I felt love flowing between us again.

I also felt witnessed. I was deeply touched by what is appreciated about me. I was told that it is the sharing of my journey of evolution, my desire to be more and do better that is most appreciated. I have told people before that my greatest kink is my personal evolution. Nothing turns me on more or keeps my fire of passion more alive than the process of evolving toward deeper consciousness and greater love. I am grateful that I am seen for this.

One thing I know about traditional management is that leaders rarely hold themselves accountable for their failures. They rarely acknowledge the heartache that they cause their employees or community when they fail, let alone sit in a room and hold space for those who have been hurt to air their grievances. As much failure as I have been witness to in community organizations, I have never seen leaders take intentional action towards reconciliation with those they have hurt. I am sure that we are not the first, that there are other organizations who practice conscious leadership in these ways. I just haven't met them yet. I look forward to when I do. Until then, I share our stories in hopes of inspiring others to consider a different way of doing business and/or leading a community.

Leadership 101: Conscious Leadership

In my last post I wrote in generalities about what it means to be an erotic hostess. What was missing from that post is what it means to be a conscious community leader.

I used to say that my first 8 years working in the non-profit world was leadership boot camp. I worked in direct support of Executive Directors and Boards of Directors for multiple organizations. Most of my experiences were learning from the failures that come from a lack of consciousness. In one case I witnessed an organization’s leadership fail do the necessary work to raise the money to be sustainable and was eventually laid off (as was the Executive Director). In another organization I witnessed the Executive Director, who was remarkable at keeping the money flowing but out of touch with day-to-day operations, come in and make careless decisions that created a dysfunctional culture. I witnessed another Executive Director rule through a tyranny of fear, creating a frightened and depressed culture. I have witnessed Board members who were more interested in the clout associated with Board service than they were in actually doing the work needed for an organization’s success. I have witnessed political and personal conflicts combined with unhealthy communication practices create cultures of tension, fear and heartache. Out of the six organizations I worked for, only one had strong leadership and a healthy culture, and even that organization then hired a new ED who was great at networking and creating a great image, but terrible at people management. She felt putting the money into a pretty building was more important than retaining the positions and people providing direct services.

I have learned that conscious leadership* is vital to an organization’s overall health. I have learned that people are an organization’s primary resource and the one that is most mismanaged. I have learned that the traditional business model that believes being professional means leaving your feelings at the door is unhealthy and unrealistic. The emotional does matter and it matters more than anything else, especially in community service. If people don’t feel good about the work they are doing, or the place they are doing it in, then they will not be capable of making a positive difference in the lives of those that they serve. If an organization’s culture is dysfunctional, it will not have an effective impact on the community. If it is funded by donations and client services, a negative culture will have great difficulty attracting donors and clients for long-term survival. If it can survive because its services are government funded and vital to human welfare, it will not have people who deliver services with kindness and compassion. Employees who are afraid, depressed, and burned out are going to pass on that culture to their clients.

Now I realize that those first 8 years were more like leadership internships and now I am actually in boot camp. Since I started leading the Impropriety Society two years ago, I have attempted to take everything I have learned about conscious leadership and apply it to our decision making processes, especially in regards to managing people and navigating relationships where the lines blur so much between the professional and the personal. Due to the complex nature of working with identity, sex and relationship, we have to make decisions that other businesses or organizations don’t have to consider. We have had to make staffing decisions that are not based on professional qualifications, but whether someone is capable of healthy communication and facilitating a safe emotional space for others. We have had to deny volunteers leadership positions because they have issues around sobriety. Our decisions have to be emotionally healthy if we are to facilitate as safe environment possible (knowing there is no true safety) for people to explore their deepest issues around identity, sex and relationship.

What I am learning is that being a good leader isn’t about your professional qualifications or expertise. It isn’t about life experience or having all the answers. Conscious, healthy leadership is about one’s willingness to take responsibility for everything – the successes and the failures, the practical logistics and the emotional culture – in an organization, as well as in one’s own life. It is about having the motivation to think about every word that you say and every action that you take and how it will affect others. It is about taking the time to study those who have succeeded and work to implement what you have learned into your own practices. It is about being willing to make every effort, fail, and then have the humility to apologize and make an even better effort the next time around.

It is my goal to be a conscious leader and encourage conscious leadership practices within the Society. I believe bringing consciousness to everything that we do is what makes us a revolutionary organization.
___________
* Dictionary Definition of Consciousness - awake, thinking and aware of what is happening around you.

Seven Attributes of Conscious Leadership

1. Provides authentic, values-based leadership
2. Clearly aware of people and situations from many angles
3. Consistently demonstrates the ability to listen on multiple levels
4. Balanced in their thinking with an observer’s hat on – aware of their own biases and emotional investment in the outcome
5. Heightened ability to communicate on many levels
6. Intrinsically validates and engages others
7. Ability to model and coach others in Conscious Leadership

What Does It Mean to be an Erotic Hostess?

Sometimes I wonder if I should change the title of this blog; while it is compelling and truthful, it is also deceiving. It could make people think they will read a lot about sex. While I have great sex several times a week with my partner, and have lovely sensual and BDSM experiences with friends, sex really has little to do with my position as a hostess for erotic events. Of course our parties -- the primary service we offer -- are very much about sexual expression. But what we do as Hostesses is far more about creating the space and facilitating the community relationship in which to have free sexual expression than it is about sex itself.

Creating a space requires all of the logistical work: negotiating rentals, ticket management, marketing, purchasing equipment and decorations, renting a truck and moving all the stuff from storage, purchasing and preparing food, and setting up and decorating the space. It also requires managing the various crews, the all staff meeting and trainings. But that is really the easy and least time-consuming part.

Most of this work is about facilitating the community relationship. Whether it is nurturing relationships with community members or managing our leadership staff or responding to community issues both online and offline, most of my time is spent facilitating community in some way. The three of us have as many conversations about how to address various relationships as we do about the logistics of party planning.

We had no idea this is what our jobs or our lives would turn into. We went into this with some romantic notions about throwing sexy parties. Due to my involvement in the previous incarnation of local sex parties, I knew that we were working with some big energies and that people's lives can change when they experience the freedom and safety of a well-produced event. But I didn't know that every choice we make in relationship to other people would be so important to the success of our mission or how much personal evolution we would go through in the process of learning to make the right choices. I didn't know how we would be held accountable for every choice, whether through positive validation or through complaint. I didn't know that I would suddenly have to put everything I had learned by watching other leaders fail in managing people over the last 10 years into practice.

When we wrote our mission and vision statements, they were a lot of pretty words and theoretical concepts. We weren't really conscious yet of the personal and community work it would take to live up to them. As expressed in my previous post, creating safe emotional space for a truly inclusive sex-positive community requires a healthy standard for behavior and communication. It is a higher standard than I have ever been asked, or required, to live up to before.

I realize that as emotionally draining as it can be at times, this is a significant aspect of my bliss. Relationship and communication are my favorite ways to spend my time and energy. Opportunities for deeper understanding and intimacy bring me great joy. Opportunities to make healing choices in the face of heartache enlighten me. Yet I don't always get it right. I am introverted by nature. I am not so good at knowing how to start conversations with new guests or nurturing new relationships with those that I don't have an immediate chemistry with. I have exhausted days and am not as present to people as I desire to be or they need me to be. Occasionally I get upset and sometimes I am more transparent than I should be about my thoughts and feelings. Navigating healthy and inclusive relationship takes hard work, but it's work that fulfills my heart like nothing else does.

Freedom of Speech and Healthy Communication

We have had some intense discussions on our Yahoo group recently that have brought up some questions around freedom of verbal expression. I posted the following to the group today...

A member of the community asked: What sacrifices do we make to free speech in order to maintain decorum? Many would agree that some sacrifices to free speech are necessary, for example, prohibitions against hate speech. I've been in successful communities that have zero rules against speech, such communities tend to have very high amounts of individual expression but high barriers for inclusion and poor levels of group compassion (to be fair, such communities have been incidental, not intentional ones).

I am grateful you brought up this topic. I feel it's important to talk about communication in this community: particularly free speech vs. standards for healthy communication. I believe more is at stake than maintaining decorum.

Our belief is that we must hold ourselves to certain standards of behavior if we are to succeed in our mission, which is ultimately based on values of safety, inclusion, acceptance and compassion. At events, we have guidelines to facilitate physical and emotional safety. We attempt to create as free a space as possible – a space that feels more free to me than most any other public venue in Humboldt County – yet we still have rules in order to maintain a safe environment. I would advocate that having a standard for healthy communication in all Imps related environments – both online and offline – is just as necessary to facilitate emotional safety within the community.

A couple months ago I was accused of censorship as a group moderator because I requested that someone take care with expressing their opinion when they insulted another community member. Earlier this week I made the same choice, I requested that someone take care with not invalidating others’ experiences by speaking for an entire minority population or using degrading language. In both instances I spent hours agonizing about whether it was appropriate to speak up and how to do it in the kindest and least judgmental way possible (I am still not sure where I come out around being judgmental). I also sought agreement from other community members to be sure I wasn’t having an exclusive reaction. I have no interest in being perceived as the "list mother" who will give a stern talking to people who "misbehave." But more importantly, freedom of expression is vital to the Society's mission. We are passionate about holding a space where everyone not only feels free to express themselves, but also feels accepted and appreciated for their unique expression.

First I had to ask myself if I was really acting as a censor and I believe the answer is no. I did not remove anyone's words from the list. I did not tell anyone they could not participate in a conversation. I made no demands. I only asked as respectfully as I knew how that they take more care with their communication. I don't feel that is an unreasonable request based on our collective desire for inclusiveness and compassion. We can express our opinions and share our stories without insulting each other or using degrading language. We can express our understanding of words and concepts without telling other people they are wrong for understanding them differently.

I have been thinking a lot about healthy communication lately, particularly the idea of non-violent communication, not just within the Imps, but in my personal life.

“Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of relating to ourselves and others, moment to moment, free of past reactions. Nonviolent Communication helps us stay connected with what is alive in ourselves and others moment-to-moment, and enhances our ability to make life more wonderful for ourselves and others.”

I grew up with violence and I used to be a violent person when angry and afraid. I would yell and throw things. I could tear a person apart with my words. In the last couple years I have learned not to lose control in such dramatic ways. However, as I navigate the first healthy relationships of my life – not just with my life-partner, but with my business partners and my tribe – I am learning about the subtle violence that permeates my communication when I feel hurt, afraid or even exhausted. When I am triggered, I can be passive-aggressive, critical, blaming and withdraw from people. These could all be considered forms of violent communication.

"If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of “right” versus “wrong” — could indeed be called violent. Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence. Sadly, many of the world’s cultures teach these "violent" methods of communication as normal and useful, so many of us find our communication efforts painful and distressed, but we don't know why.”

I have been called out on my unhealthy communication by my life-partner, my business partners and my tribe-mates. I have never felt that they were attempting to censor my freedom of speech. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom-to-express- myself for my loved ones to request that I communicate with them in a non-violent way. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom of speech to process through my emotional reactions to people in the community who hurt my feelings or make me angry and wait until I can express my feelings and opinions with kindness, or at least without the subtle forms of violence mentioned above. I do not want my freedom to come at the cost of harming another person, or the community as a whole.

For the Society to succeed, most especially because we are revolutionizing sex and relationship in our culture, I believe we have to hold ourselves to a standard of healthy, non-violent behavior. I do not wish to censor anyone. However, I will speak up to enforce a standard for healthy communication in order to facilitate an emotionally safe environment in which people can be empowered to express themselves – their opinions and stories, their passions and desires, their kinks and quirks, their needs and boundaries, their love and fears. If this feels like a sacrifice of someone’s freedom of speech, I would ask them what exactly they feel is the sacrifice – their right to be violent and cause harm with their words? I would wonder if they feel it is a sacrifice that it is against the law to cause physical violence to another person? As my understanding of violence deepens, and my commitment to creating peace in our world increases, I no longer believe there is a difference between the two.

It is our intention to bring greater consciousness to the idea of non-violent communication within the community, possibly with workshops or group discussions. If there are members of the community who have experience with these ideas and practices, I would love to hear from you.

may i feel said he (delicious poetry wednesday)

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she

(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

ee cummings

(Delicious & Sexy) Love Poem

Speak earth and bless me with what is richest
make sky flow honey out of my hips
rigid mountains
spread over a valley
carved out by the mouth of rain.

And I knew when I entered her I was
high wind in her forests hollow
fingers whispering sound
honey flowed
from the split cup
impaled on a lance of tongues
on the tips of her breasts on her navel
and my breath
howling into her entrances
through lungs of pain.

Greedy as herring-gulls
or a child
I swing out over the earth
over and over
again.

~ Audre Lorde


PS I am going to calendar Wednesdays to be Delicious & Sexy Poetry days from now on. I will hunt for high quality, sizzling hot poems to share with you. I have found that sharing a really good poem with a lover now and again is a great way to express my feelings in an unexpected way.

"The Doors We Open and Close Each Day...

decide the lives we live." Flora Whittemore

There are big things taking place behind the scenes of the Impropriety Society.

Next Wednesday we will be meeting with some of our staff to discuss our vision for the Impresarios, a leadership circle that will support the hostesses in managing and growing the organization. Our hope is that it will be comprised of event crew heads (Security, Vibes, Dungeon, Hospitality, Music, Dirty Cleaners and Performances) and six new coordinator positions (Marketing, Community Outreach & Public Relations, Fundraising/Friendraising, Equipment, Workshops, and Business Assistant). It may also include Advisory positions for community members who have significant expertise or resources to offer but can't commit to one of the other positions. The group will meet monthly, as well as communicate through an email list, to discuss the direction of the organization and significant community issues, as well as to consciously nurture healthy leadership practices.

I am excited. I love collaboration. I see this as an opportunity to build the organization, deepen relationships, share the responsibilities and rewards of leadership, and evolve into a stronger leader.

I am also excited and a bit nervous about the new responsibilities I am taking on as lead hostess for business development, marketing, community outreach and public relations.

I am looking forward to learning about business development -- establishing ourselves as a legal business, writing a business plan, and discovering viable options that will lead to profitability. We dream of a community center that will operate as the hub for the sex-positive community in Humboldt. It could serve as a space for all kinds of events, meetings, support groups, workshops, private gatherings, etc. It could be a part or full time center for people to come for resources and talk about sex and relationship. It could showcase sex positive artists. We've had many ideas for a potential store - promotional items, t-shirts, etc. The ideas are endless and the more we can offer, the more likely we can support paid staff.

As to my other new responsibilities, I have always shied away from anything marketing related. I have resistance to much of the manipulative psychology around sales. I have also shied away from building professional relationships. I don't consider myself good at networking because I am terrible at talking about myself or "selling" what I am involved with in an assertive way. I can be plenty assertive about healthy leadership and relationship practices or aesthetics or other aspects of our operations, but direct representation of myself or the organization has been a significant struggle. I am ready to meet this challenge and transform my stories of limitation. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the organization, to grow my wings and discover my true capabilities.

Whatever unfolds in this next chapter of the Imps story, I am so incredibly grateful for my business partners/best friends. I am grateful for Wednesday night meetings and conversations. I am grateful for our openness and healthy communication. I am grateful I opened the door to the Impropriety Society when they asked for help two years ago. And I am grateful for the opportunity to open the doors to new possibilities for evolution no matter where they lead.

For the young who want to

Talent is what they say
you have after the novel
is published and favorably
reviewed. Beforehand what
you have is a tedious
delusion, a hobby like knitting.

Work is what you have done
after the play is produced
and the audience claps.
Before that friends keep asking
when you are planning to go
out and get a job.

Genius is what they know you
had after the third volume
of remarkable poems. Earlier
they accuse you of withdrawing,
ask why you don't have a baby,
call you a bum.

The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall
like your optician, your vet
proving you may be a clumsy sadist
whose fillings fall into the stew
but you're certified a dentist.

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

-Marge Piercy