Death and Rebirth

I haven't written in awhile. As big Imp events approach, there tends to be less space for reflection. But now that we are headed into summer, I have a feeling - actually it's an intention - that I will be writing a lot more in the coming days. It's time to make some significant changes in my life and writing helps me significantly during times of transformation. I feel compelled to share this story as it unfolds, partially because I seek to be witnessed and partially because I always hope that sharing my story will be useful to someone else. It is in the sharing of our stories that we can find connection, meaning, insight, and a plethora of other gifts. And sometimes hearing someone else's story just lets us know we are not alone.

Don't hide your heart but reveal it, So that I may know mine too, And know what I am capable of... - Rumi

As I've said before, I've hesitated to be completely vulnerable in my writing here because this blog is associated with the Imps and because people I interact with regularly read it. As I bounce between the risk of transparency and the belief that I have to be "professional," I realize that I just need to honor that this is the space I created for writing the unfolding story of my life as an erotic hostess. The personal is just as much a part of that story as the professional is.

The image above is the Transformation card from the Osho Zen Tarot deck. In other decks it is known as the Death card. I love this card and because of it I have come to lovingly label times of intense transformation as "burning in Kali's Fire." The Fire of Transformation burns away the old (illusions, fears, wounds, all the things that keep us small) and forges a purer heart. Sitting in the Fire is painful, but it always leads to healthier and deeper capacities to love.

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.” Mary Manin Morrissey

It's been an excruciatingly painful week for me. My guy and I ended our partner-relationship. It turns out that neither of us is ready or able to fulfill the potential of our connection because we are nowhere near as profoundly in love with ourselves as we are with each other. We had been planning to move in together on June 1st, but the last few weeks/months we have been sinking into unhealthy patterns and hurting one another in the process. It all exploded last Monday and we have been navigating the wreckage since. There is no blame and there are no sides to take. We both made mistakes. We both neglected to put intention into the relationship and the necessary work into our own self-care and healing. Our trust in ourselves, each other and the relationship eroded. Our shadows and our fears took over. We have chosen to end that part of our relationship for now because it is the healthy choice to untangle our entanglements and overcome our dependency on (addiction to) one another. We both need time and space to focus on cultivating as much love for ourselves as we have for each other.

What makes this break up different than any other either of us have experienced is that our love is immense. And we are still madly in love with each other. We have put on the breaks before we stopped being in love. While it might feel easier to do the traditional break up -- to become distant and shut down our hearts to one another -- it isn't the loving choice that we desire to make. We are striving to remain open to the love we share and just shift its expression. We desire to maintain intimacy and support one another as we try to align with our right paths as individuals. We are open to new possibilities as we change. This is a death that will lead to some kind of rebirth. Maybe we are meant to be together and this whole process will birth a much healthier, richer relationship than we had before. Or maybe we were meant to be catapulted into our individual evolutions by our entanglement and then move forward as intimate friends. We have no idea about the future, we only know what we need to do now to move forward in love rather than fear and to build trust again.

Besides our personal motivation for remaining connected, there are other motivations as well. As much as I struggle with it sometimes, being part of a close-knit tribe and being community leaders for the Imps demand that we interact in healthy, loving ways. We will be attending a meeting on Wednesday and the staff decompression-party on Saturday. The following weekend will be a graduation celebration for tribemates on Saturday and an intimate gathering on Sunday. Unless one or both of us isolates ourselves from our tribe and/or stops working for the Imps, we have to maintain a relationship. It's a win-win for everyone that we desire to. I trust our tribe can hold space for the heartache and awkwardness that we will experience as we shift to a new sort of relating. They have already started.

Of course I have no idea what it will look or feel like when we attend future Imps events and play with others. While neither of us are in the right space for long-term relationship, that doesn't mean we won't have other intimate and sexual connections as we work on our personal evolutions. Unlike other communities where sex is kept behind closed doors, continuing to participate in this community requires an openness to the reality that we may see the other have sex with someone else. It's a very scary thought to me right now, but I am trusting that I will reach a place of ok-ness within myself in time so that I am not overcome with jealousy and other fear-based reactions.

It hurts like hell to do it this way. We can't escape, distract or disconnect from the heartache too much when we're continuing to interact. There is a necessary willingness to sit with the heartache and to process through all the negativity that comes to the surface. We are still talking and listening. There is a surprising willingness to hold space for one another as we untangle the mess we've made. Some moments I want nothing more than to blame and shut down. Some moments I am very afraid that I am alone, will remain alone and will not experience love like ours again. Many other moments I feel expansive and connected and I know to the core of my being that this will lead to very good things for us both. Choosing love is always the right choice.

A Free Thinking People

"This is my feminism, that I might think the thoughts which I would like to think. And then choose, from personal power and clarity, where my allegiance and attention will be given." from Shiloh Sophia's blog

Girl Power Can Save the World

Replace the word "girl" with "feminine" and this totally supports my thoughts in the previous post on feminine leadership.



"Imagine that girl is the part of each of us that feels compassion, empathy, passion, intensity, association, relationship, emotion, play, resistance, vulnerability, intuitive intelligence, vision.

Imagine that compassion informs wisdom. That vulnerability is our greatest strength. That emotions have inherent logic and lead to radical saving action.

Now remember that those in power essentially taught us and conditioned us to believe the opposite:

Compassion clouds your thinking.

Vulnerability is weakness.

Emotions are not to be trusted.

Don't take things personally.

To be a boy means not to be a girl.

To be a man means not to be a girl.

To be strong means not to be a girl.

To be a woman means not to be a girl.

To be a leader means not to be a girl.

It must be very powerful to be a girl if everyone Is taught not to be one."

Feminine Leadership

Let me start by explaining what I mean when I use the words masculine and feminine. This isn't about gender. I am not writing about women vs. men. I believe in an evolved version of Jung's ideas that all human beings have masculine and feminine qualities within them and it is part of emotional health to be an integrated expression of those qualities.

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A brief description of the qualities that are associated with each (every quality having its own light and shadow expressions):

Masculine: Logical, assertive, active, initiating, tender, risk-taking, focused, rational, providing, protective, independent

Feminine: Intuitive, passive, receptive, responsive, sensitive, intense, connection oriented, emotional, creative, nurturing, relationship oriented

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I believe that a healthy approach to all of life honors the light qualities of the masculine and feminine. However, we are not balanced as individuals or as a collective. We live in a culture (a world) that honors masculine qualities more than feminine, especially outside of the home. One does not have to be an academic or fierce feminist to understand that we are slowly moving out of a rational and patriarchal paradigm...and we still have a long way to go. I believe it is important to focus attention and intention on nurturing the feminine in order to bring eventual balance. We need to lift the feminine to the same honor and respect that the masculine receives.

We also need to shift away from shadow expressions of the masculine (aggression, domination, violence) and feminine (helplessness, co-dependence, drama). It is by nurturing positive expressions that we become healthier, happier people and ensure humanity's ultimate survival. What people don't tend to consider is that men suffer as much as women from the patriarchal imbalance. A man who is not allowed to be emotional cannot have empathy for others. A lack of empathy leads to isolation and violence. Similarly, a woman who lacks assertiveness cannot be empowered to resist oppression. We all need to find the healthy balance.

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Over the last two years some community members have expressed their thoughts about the Society being led by three women. Someone called us a matriarchy. Young women tell us that we are their role models. People have expressed an overall appreciation that women are in charge. There hasn't been a deep discussion that I'm aware of, just comments here and there. It hasn't been something that I gave much thought to. In the moment I would have a flash of resonance that it seems significant that we are a women-led organization, yet I didn't really sit with it until recently.

Another blogger shared a definition of feminine that resonates with me: "Feminine is a force to be reckoned with...nurturing, inclusive, and intrinsically and actively compassionate. Midwives and caretakers of ideas and community, Feminine is sought out for guidance, inspiration, and comfort."

It isn't that we are women that is so significant, it's that we are feminine leaders. We believe being "caretakers of community" is the most important aspect of our work as erotic hostesses and sex-positive activists. Discussions have come up in the Imps leadership recently that emphasize how we make decisions differently than others might, especially those with more traditional, or masculine, tendencies. It is becoming apparent that what makes us different is that we operate from a feminine perspective.

I am really beginning to see the importance of feminine leadership. We don't have many role-models for feminine leaders, female or male. Women in leadership tend to express more masculine qualities, often out of necessity to have a chance at leadership at all. Would you use the description of feminine above to describe Hilary Clinton or Condaleeza Rice? I hardly think so. The workplace virtually demands that we choose rational over emotional, logical over intuitive, and authoritative over collaborative. Every dysfunctional work culture I have participated in suffers from a lack of feminine awareness. Feminine leadership is needed to show there is a different way of doing things.

Within the Imps we are trying something different and I think it's just as revolutionary as being sex-positive. Love is our bottom line. We lead the Society from a relationship-centered point of view. We intentionally work for compassion and inclusiveness, even when it challenges us to do so. We recognize that most of our challenges involve relationship. We put our people management efforts into solving relationship challenges and nurturing positive relationships with healthy communication. Our staff meetings involve activities with the intention of building and strengthening relationships.

We also honor the emotional. We hold space for emotions as they arise, especially the painful ones. We produce our events with an awareness of the intense emotions that are stirred up by erotic parties, which is why we have a Vibes crew. We know we have to do more than facilitate a safe physical space, we need to facilitate a safe emotional space for people to feel they can be vulnerable in expressing themselves. The emotional matters very much when it comes to expressing sex and gender, identity and relationship. The emotional also matters in building community.

I am coming out as a feminine leader and I am finding my confidence and my strength as such. I lead with my heart. I am intensely emotional. I make decisions based on intuition and compassionate relationship. I consider how others, individually and collectively, are impacted by our decisions because I see and feel the ripples that happen with each choice we make.

As far as my own balance is concerned, I have masculine qualities to balance my feminine. I am assertive, risk taking, focused and authoritative/decisive when needed. But I have more work to do. I still try too hard to please everyone and I take it personally when I don't. I can be too passive/receptive and not take an active role in building individual relationships. I can be co-dependent rather than appropriately independent (on the other hand, I can also be too independent and not ask for the help I need).

I am working toward my balance, but I feel focusing on a feminine approach to leadership is a vital experience for myself and for the community. I think we need to understand what feminine leadership is and how it works before we can truly integrate it with the masculine for a holistic approach.

First Video Interview

Dave over at Manifest Positivityrecorded a video interview with one of my business partners and myself while we were at HSU's Sexland Sexpo last Saturday.

The Risks of Personal Disclosure

After reading my last post about an explicit sexual adventure, I had a friend who is new to the blog world ask about my boundaries around personal disclosure. He is wondering how personal he should be on his own blog, with his current guide being whether the personal directly applies to the mission of his project.

I have to admit that as I was writing the post, I considered how I hope the blog will lead to more exposure for the Society and for me as a writer and professional, and I wondered if it would be considered inappropriate to write so explicitly, even if my business directly involves sex. On the other hand, I could see how titillating readers with explicit sex can be an attraction that leads them to my other content. Ultimately I decided that what really matters most to me is personal truth. If someone doesn't want to read my blog or take my business seriously because I occasionally write about sex or my personal relationships, then we aren't meant for each other. There may be people who don't resonate with what I write about conscious leadership or spirituality either. That's ok. We aren't meant for each other.

Writing, or any other creative expression, shouldn't be about reaching every human being on the planet with your message. It's about making genuine connection and reaching the people who resonate with your message; people who will be touched, inspired, or challenged by your experiences.

As a writer, I have never had boundaries around personal disclosure. This is my fourth blog and all of them have combined the personal with a specific mission (the Yoni Endeavor was about women's issues; The Conspiracy of Blessings was about creativity, generosity and gift economy; and my personal blog was about my journey as a mystic). I came into this world wired to share my feelings and experiences, no matter how taboo or uncomfortable or unpalatable they may be to some people. I believe that telling our personal stories of transformation is vital to humanity's transformation. I believe telling the truth about how we work to overcome our struggles and suffering is important to our collective evolution. I believe honoring our emotions is vital to a healthy life.

And I believe that part of my purpose in life is to shine the light on the shadow. I've had an unusual share of trauma in my life. I have used writing both as a method of healing and consciousness raising. I've written about rape, incest and domestic violence. I've written about the dark side of parenting and being the daughter of a narcissist. I've written about mental illness. And now I write about sex, conscious leadership, spirituality and how they all intersect in my life and in the Society.

I strive to be an integrated human being. I do not disassociate and keep different parts of my life packaged up so they don't bleed into one another. I am not interested in a shiny, palatable image. I do not wish to be bland or mediocre so that I can reach a large and mainstream audience. I want to be big and bold and take risks. I want to be messy as I blur the lines between the intellectual and the emotional, personal and the professional, the sacred and the profane. I want to challenge assumptions. Right now, the biggest assumption I challenge is that sex is meant to be kept behind closed doors. We are born sexual beings and sex is a part of our every day lives. Healthy sexual expression is vital to a healthy emotional and spiritual life. How am I to be a role model for healthy sexual expression if I keep my own sex life in the shadows or buy in to the idea that my message is less meaningful because I share stories about my own sexual expression?

Unexpected Sexual Adventure

I am not an erotica writer, or much of a story teller. But I do have a rich sex life and since this is the diary of an erotic hostess, I would like to make more of an effort to share my sexual adventures.

My partner and I had an unexpected sexual adventure last night. I was very tired, physically and emotionally. I didn't anticipate being up for sex, let alone any kind of significant play. But after a visit with a friend and before settling into bed, my partner wanted to see how the new leather wrist and ankle cuffs he recently purchased fit me.

I was getting ready to climb under the covers and dressed in only a shirt. He told me to lay face down on the bed so he could fasten the ankle cuffs with the ring placed front and center. Something happens inside me when Sir suddenly tells me what to do. There is also something about being face down with ass exposed that gets my juices flowing. As comfortable as I am with Sir, and as often as we are naked together, there is a vulnerability to being naked and in submissive space that turns me on. After fastening the ankle cuffs, Sir had me turn over and fastened the wrist cuffs. Then He pulled out his rope. I knew I was in for more than a mere cuff fitting. He hadn't tied me up in quite awhile, so my excitement was quickly overcoming my exhaustion.

I went to the restroom knowing that I could be confined for a bit. When I returned the ropes were hanging from the eyehooks in the ceiling over my bed and he was placing another rope under the top end of the bed with ends hanging out both sides. He told me to remove my shirt and lay down. He pulled some metal fasteners out of his bag and methodically tied each rope to the fasteners and then hooked the fasteners to the cuff rings. I was bound with arms out to my sides and legs spread open about three feet apart and three feet in the air. Sir removed his clothes and threw his boxers on my head to cover my eyes. He climbed over my body and put his cock in my mouth. He fucked my mouth, sometimes pressing his cock all the way to the back of my throat, taking my breath away for a second or two. I could feel myself getting very wet and my clit swelling with arousal. He pulled out of my mouth and moved down to fuck my pussy. He proceeded to go back and forth between my mouth and pussy for quite awhile. I couldn't see him, I could only feel his movements and would open my mouth in anticipation when I knew his cock was approaching. It really turns him on when I suck my juices off his cock. He has a variety of kinks involving cum.

I love mouth fucking, especially when it's "forced." I love it when he grabs a handful of my hair and directs my head down to start sucking or he holds my head in place while he fucks my mouth aggressively and deeply, causing me to gag or lose my breath for a few seconds. It is a new kink for me. As I've previously written, Sir's cock is the first that I've ever really loved. And Sir is the first man that I've truly felt emotionally safe with as a sexual Dominant (as opposed to a sensation top or sadist). He is a feminist man and we have an equal relationship dynamic in our every day lives. I feel comfortable with submitting to his sexual will and find pleasure in being used to fulfill his desires.

I also love being fucked hard and aggressively. When he has my legs tied up he moves me around to provide his cock with the best sensation and fill me up as deeply as possible.

We have talked a bit about facials. I know that he likes to watch porn on the nights that we are not able to be together and I have asked him about what he likes to watch and why. I like knowing if he has any unfulfilled fantasies. He likes a lot of different kinds of porn, but has expressed a specific interest in watching men cum on women's faces. I had never had a man cum on my face before. While there is a part of me that is repulsed by the idea (primarily due to social conditioning I think), there is also a part of me that is excited by it. I have told him that I would be willing to see what it is like.

He removed my makeshift blindfold. When I could feel that he was rock hard and close to cumming, he asked where I wanted him to cum. I told him to cum wherever he wanted to. He pulled out of me and knelt over my face. He fucked my mouth for a couple minutes and then pulled away to stroke his cock. As his orgasm approached I told him how much I love watching him stroke himself. I love watching the changes in his face as the tension builds and I love seeing his cock so hard and ready to burst. He said, "Here it comes," and I closed my eyes. First I only felt a drop hit my face, then I felt it squirt across my lips, cheeks, nose and eyes. It was warm but quickly cooled. I licked up everything that fell close enough to my lips. While I have difficulty swallowing when giving Sir a blow job (something about the warmth and taste combined), I really liked tasting his slightly cooled cum. Sir wiped up the bit that was on my eyelid but left the rest of the cum on my face as he moved down to give me an orgasm with his tongue. I came so hard I squeezed his head with my thighs and moved him around as my orgasm flowed in waves through my body.

I enjoyed Sir coming on my face, both the act itself and the sensation of it. It's not something I would want to do every time we fuck, but I certainly hope it becomes part of our sexual repertoire.

I have never had such a rich sexual relationship. I love that after a year of ups and downs, learning each others light and shadow, we are still so into each other. I love that as much as we've adventured together, we still have so much to explore about our desires and our kinks. I love that he turns me on so much that I can overcome exhaustion and moodiness to experience pleasure with him. I just love Sir so much I feel like my heart could burst with it.

*Art by Mr. Hues

Accountability and Healing

I felt it was appropriate to precede this post with my feelings about conscious leadership in order to give fuller context. As an aspiring conscious leader I believe in transparency. I believe in telling the truth, especially when it's hard and scary. Raising consciousness is about telling the truth, bringing awareness to previously hidden and taboo information -- the kind of information we would prefer to ignore because it makes us uncomfortable and it makes us accountable. When we raise our consciousness, we become more accountable to living with integrity.

Contrary to what I have seen in the community leaders I have worked for in the past, I believe in taking steps towards healing and restoration of my relationships when I fail and leave emotional wreckage in my wake. Accountability is vital to the healing process. When we make an unhealthy choice that hurts or harms another person, even in the professional world, healing comes from acknowledging our failure and seeking restoration through acts of reconciliation. I think that an important aspect of conscious leadership is public accountability for one's mistakes and shadow behaviors. All long-term relationships are built on forgiveness.

I recently had a failure as a Society Hostess. I participated in a hasty decision that affected the hearts of those in Imps leadership, who are also many of my closest friends. I failed to communicate in open and thoughtful ways about that decision. I lacked consciousness around how the decision, and the process by which it was made, would affect those that I love and respect. In hindsight I am actually a bit stunned that I was so easily carried away by my own process and neglected to keep my eye on the bigger picture, as I usually strive to do.

When we learned that people were hurt by our actions, we had a meeting during which we apologized and held space for open communication around the issue. We felt it was healthier to get everything out in the open, rather than try to communicate as individuals behind the scenes where further misunderstandings and gossip could take root. While it was incredibly painful for many of us, it was also a remarkable act of trust in our love to be so raw and open about our feelings. As I listened to people express their concerns and frustration about our actions, I heard a common theme around lack of trust and a sense of not being seen or considered. The lack of trust tells me that even greater transparency is warranted. Since I have my own issues around being invisible, I have a lot of compassion for people feeling that they weren't seen or considered. I have a deep desire that everyone be truly witnessed for who they are and what they give. It hurt my heart that my actions contributed to someone feeling unseen.

Our first step toward healing was beginning our next leadership meeting with an act of intentional reconciliation. Each person pulled a name from a hat and expressed what they most appreciate about what that person brings to the Society. Then the receiver of appreciation shared what they feel they do that is unseen -- something about their work for the Society that is done behind the scenes and most people are not aware of. I believe it was an effective activity. I know that I see everyone and what they give better than I did before and I felt love flowing between us again.

I also felt witnessed. I was deeply touched by what is appreciated about me. I was told that it is the sharing of my journey of evolution, my desire to be more and do better that is most appreciated. I have told people before that my greatest kink is my personal evolution. Nothing turns me on more or keeps my fire of passion more alive than the process of evolving toward deeper consciousness and greater love. I am grateful that I am seen for this.

One thing I know about traditional management is that leaders rarely hold themselves accountable for their failures. They rarely acknowledge the heartache that they cause their employees or community when they fail, let alone sit in a room and hold space for those who have been hurt to air their grievances. As much failure as I have been witness to in community organizations, I have never seen leaders take intentional action towards reconciliation with those they have hurt. I am sure that we are not the first, that there are other organizations who practice conscious leadership in these ways. I just haven't met them yet. I look forward to when I do. Until then, I share our stories in hopes of inspiring others to consider a different way of doing business and/or leading a community.

Leadership 101: Conscious Leadership

In my last post I wrote in generalities about what it means to be an erotic hostess. What was missing from that post is what it means to be a conscious community leader.

I used to say that my first 8 years working in the non-profit world was leadership boot camp. I worked in direct support of Executive Directors and Boards of Directors for multiple organizations. Most of my experiences were learning from the failures that come from a lack of consciousness. In one case I witnessed an organization’s leadership fail do the necessary work to raise the money to be sustainable and was eventually laid off (as was the Executive Director). In another organization I witnessed the Executive Director, who was remarkable at keeping the money flowing but out of touch with day-to-day operations, come in and make careless decisions that created a dysfunctional culture. I witnessed another Executive Director rule through a tyranny of fear, creating a frightened and depressed culture. I have witnessed Board members who were more interested in the clout associated with Board service than they were in actually doing the work needed for an organization’s success. I have witnessed political and personal conflicts combined with unhealthy communication practices create cultures of tension, fear and heartache. Out of the six organizations I worked for, only one had strong leadership and a healthy culture, and even that organization then hired a new ED who was great at networking and creating a great image, but terrible at people management. She felt putting the money into a pretty building was more important than retaining the positions and people providing direct services.

I have learned that conscious leadership* is vital to an organization’s overall health. I have learned that people are an organization’s primary resource and the one that is most mismanaged. I have learned that the traditional business model that believes being professional means leaving your feelings at the door is unhealthy and unrealistic. The emotional does matter and it matters more than anything else, especially in community service. If people don’t feel good about the work they are doing, or the place they are doing it in, then they will not be capable of making a positive difference in the lives of those that they serve. If an organization’s culture is dysfunctional, it will not have an effective impact on the community. If it is funded by donations and client services, a negative culture will have great difficulty attracting donors and clients for long-term survival. If it can survive because its services are government funded and vital to human welfare, it will not have people who deliver services with kindness and compassion. Employees who are afraid, depressed, and burned out are going to pass on that culture to their clients.

Now I realize that those first 8 years were more like leadership internships and now I am actually in boot camp. Since I started leading the Impropriety Society two years ago, I have attempted to take everything I have learned about conscious leadership and apply it to our decision making processes, especially in regards to managing people and navigating relationships where the lines blur so much between the professional and the personal. Due to the complex nature of working with identity, sex and relationship, we have to make decisions that other businesses or organizations don’t have to consider. We have had to make staffing decisions that are not based on professional qualifications, but whether someone is capable of healthy communication and facilitating a safe emotional space for others. We have had to deny volunteers leadership positions because they have issues around sobriety. Our decisions have to be emotionally healthy if we are to facilitate as safe environment possible (knowing there is no true safety) for people to explore their deepest issues around identity, sex and relationship.

What I am learning is that being a good leader isn’t about your professional qualifications or expertise. It isn’t about life experience or having all the answers. Conscious, healthy leadership is about one’s willingness to take responsibility for everything – the successes and the failures, the practical logistics and the emotional culture – in an organization, as well as in one’s own life. It is about having the motivation to think about every word that you say and every action that you take and how it will affect others. It is about taking the time to study those who have succeeded and work to implement what you have learned into your own practices. It is about being willing to make every effort, fail, and then have the humility to apologize and make an even better effort the next time around.

It is my goal to be a conscious leader and encourage conscious leadership practices within the Society. I believe bringing consciousness to everything that we do is what makes us a revolutionary organization.
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* Dictionary Definition of Consciousness - awake, thinking and aware of what is happening around you.

Seven Attributes of Conscious Leadership

1. Provides authentic, values-based leadership
2. Clearly aware of people and situations from many angles
3. Consistently demonstrates the ability to listen on multiple levels
4. Balanced in their thinking with an observer’s hat on – aware of their own biases and emotional investment in the outcome
5. Heightened ability to communicate on many levels
6. Intrinsically validates and engages others
7. Ability to model and coach others in Conscious Leadership

What Does It Mean to be an Erotic Hostess?

Sometimes I wonder if I should change the title of this blog; while it is compelling and truthful, it is also deceiving. It could make people think they will read a lot about sex. While I have great sex several times a week with my partner, and have lovely sensual and BDSM experiences with friends, sex really has little to do with my position as a hostess for erotic events. Of course our parties -- the primary service we offer -- are very much about sexual expression. But what we do as Hostesses is far more about creating the space and facilitating the community relationship in which to have free sexual expression than it is about sex itself.

Creating a space requires all of the logistical work: negotiating rentals, ticket management, marketing, purchasing equipment and decorations, renting a truck and moving all the stuff from storage, purchasing and preparing food, and setting up and decorating the space. It also requires managing the various crews, the all staff meeting and trainings. But that is really the easy and least time-consuming part.

Most of this work is about facilitating the community relationship. Whether it is nurturing relationships with community members or managing our leadership staff or responding to community issues both online and offline, most of my time is spent facilitating community in some way. The three of us have as many conversations about how to address various relationships as we do about the logistics of party planning.

We had no idea this is what our jobs or our lives would turn into. We went into this with some romantic notions about throwing sexy parties. Due to my involvement in the previous incarnation of local sex parties, I knew that we were working with some big energies and that people's lives can change when they experience the freedom and safety of a well-produced event. But I didn't know that every choice we make in relationship to other people would be so important to the success of our mission or how much personal evolution we would go through in the process of learning to make the right choices. I didn't know how we would be held accountable for every choice, whether through positive validation or through complaint. I didn't know that I would suddenly have to put everything I had learned by watching other leaders fail in managing people over the last 10 years into practice.

When we wrote our mission and vision statements, they were a lot of pretty words and theoretical concepts. We weren't really conscious yet of the personal and community work it would take to live up to them. As expressed in my previous post, creating safe emotional space for a truly inclusive sex-positive community requires a healthy standard for behavior and communication. It is a higher standard than I have ever been asked, or required, to live up to before.

I realize that as emotionally draining as it can be at times, this is a significant aspect of my bliss. Relationship and communication are my favorite ways to spend my time and energy. Opportunities for deeper understanding and intimacy bring me great joy. Opportunities to make healing choices in the face of heartache enlighten me. Yet I don't always get it right. I am introverted by nature. I am not so good at knowing how to start conversations with new guests or nurturing new relationships with those that I don't have an immediate chemistry with. I have exhausted days and am not as present to people as I desire to be or they need me to be. Occasionally I get upset and sometimes I am more transparent than I should be about my thoughts and feelings. Navigating healthy and inclusive relationship takes hard work, but it's work that fulfills my heart like nothing else does.

Freedom of Speech and Healthy Communication

We have had some intense discussions on our Yahoo group recently that have brought up some questions around freedom of verbal expression. I posted the following to the group today...

A member of the community asked: What sacrifices do we make to free speech in order to maintain decorum? Many would agree that some sacrifices to free speech are necessary, for example, prohibitions against hate speech. I've been in successful communities that have zero rules against speech, such communities tend to have very high amounts of individual expression but high barriers for inclusion and poor levels of group compassion (to be fair, such communities have been incidental, not intentional ones).

I am grateful you brought up this topic. I feel it's important to talk about communication in this community: particularly free speech vs. standards for healthy communication. I believe more is at stake than maintaining decorum.

Our belief is that we must hold ourselves to certain standards of behavior if we are to succeed in our mission, which is ultimately based on values of safety, inclusion, acceptance and compassion. At events, we have guidelines to facilitate physical and emotional safety. We attempt to create as free a space as possible – a space that feels more free to me than most any other public venue in Humboldt County – yet we still have rules in order to maintain a safe environment. I would advocate that having a standard for healthy communication in all Imps related environments – both online and offline – is just as necessary to facilitate emotional safety within the community.

A couple months ago I was accused of censorship as a group moderator because I requested that someone take care with expressing their opinion when they insulted another community member. Earlier this week I made the same choice, I requested that someone take care with not invalidating others’ experiences by speaking for an entire minority population or using degrading language. In both instances I spent hours agonizing about whether it was appropriate to speak up and how to do it in the kindest and least judgmental way possible (I am still not sure where I come out around being judgmental). I also sought agreement from other community members to be sure I wasn’t having an exclusive reaction. I have no interest in being perceived as the "list mother" who will give a stern talking to people who "misbehave." But more importantly, freedom of expression is vital to the Society's mission. We are passionate about holding a space where everyone not only feels free to express themselves, but also feels accepted and appreciated for their unique expression.

First I had to ask myself if I was really acting as a censor and I believe the answer is no. I did not remove anyone's words from the list. I did not tell anyone they could not participate in a conversation. I made no demands. I only asked as respectfully as I knew how that they take more care with their communication. I don't feel that is an unreasonable request based on our collective desire for inclusiveness and compassion. We can express our opinions and share our stories without insulting each other or using degrading language. We can express our understanding of words and concepts without telling other people they are wrong for understanding them differently.

I have been thinking a lot about healthy communication lately, particularly the idea of non-violent communication, not just within the Imps, but in my personal life.

“Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of relating to ourselves and others, moment to moment, free of past reactions. Nonviolent Communication helps us stay connected with what is alive in ourselves and others moment-to-moment, and enhances our ability to make life more wonderful for ourselves and others.”

I grew up with violence and I used to be a violent person when angry and afraid. I would yell and throw things. I could tear a person apart with my words. In the last couple years I have learned not to lose control in such dramatic ways. However, as I navigate the first healthy relationships of my life – not just with my life-partner, but with my business partners and my tribe – I am learning about the subtle violence that permeates my communication when I feel hurt, afraid or even exhausted. When I am triggered, I can be passive-aggressive, critical, blaming and withdraw from people. These could all be considered forms of violent communication.

"If "violent" means acting in ways that result in harm, then much of how we communicate — with moralistic judgments, criticisms, demands, coercion, or labels of “right” versus “wrong” — could indeed be called violent. Unaware of the impact, we judge, label, criticize, command, demand, threaten, blame, accuse and ridicule. Speaking and thinking in these ways often leads to inner wounds, which in turn often evolve into depression, anger or physical violence. Sadly, many of the world’s cultures teach these "violent" methods of communication as normal and useful, so many of us find our communication efforts painful and distressed, but we don't know why.”

I have been called out on my unhealthy communication by my life-partner, my business partners and my tribe-mates. I have never felt that they were attempting to censor my freedom of speech. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom-to-express- myself for my loved ones to request that I communicate with them in a non-violent way. I do not feel it is a sacrifice of my freedom of speech to process through my emotional reactions to people in the community who hurt my feelings or make me angry and wait until I can express my feelings and opinions with kindness, or at least without the subtle forms of violence mentioned above. I do not want my freedom to come at the cost of harming another person, or the community as a whole.

For the Society to succeed, most especially because we are revolutionizing sex and relationship in our culture, I believe we have to hold ourselves to a standard of healthy, non-violent behavior. I do not wish to censor anyone. However, I will speak up to enforce a standard for healthy communication in order to facilitate an emotionally safe environment in which people can be empowered to express themselves – their opinions and stories, their passions and desires, their kinks and quirks, their needs and boundaries, their love and fears. If this feels like a sacrifice of someone’s freedom of speech, I would ask them what exactly they feel is the sacrifice – their right to be violent and cause harm with their words? I would wonder if they feel it is a sacrifice that it is against the law to cause physical violence to another person? As my understanding of violence deepens, and my commitment to creating peace in our world increases, I no longer believe there is a difference between the two.

It is our intention to bring greater consciousness to the idea of non-violent communication within the community, possibly with workshops or group discussions. If there are members of the community who have experience with these ideas and practices, I would love to hear from you.

may i feel said he (delicious poetry wednesday)

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she

(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she

(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)

may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she

may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she

but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she

(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she

(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

ee cummings

(Delicious & Sexy) Love Poem

Speak earth and bless me with what is richest
make sky flow honey out of my hips
rigid mountains
spread over a valley
carved out by the mouth of rain.

And I knew when I entered her I was
high wind in her forests hollow
fingers whispering sound
honey flowed
from the split cup
impaled on a lance of tongues
on the tips of her breasts on her navel
and my breath
howling into her entrances
through lungs of pain.

Greedy as herring-gulls
or a child
I swing out over the earth
over and over
again.

~ Audre Lorde


PS I am going to calendar Wednesdays to be Delicious & Sexy Poetry days from now on. I will hunt for high quality, sizzling hot poems to share with you. I have found that sharing a really good poem with a lover now and again is a great way to express my feelings in an unexpected way.

"The Doors We Open and Close Each Day...

decide the lives we live." Flora Whittemore

There are big things taking place behind the scenes of the Impropriety Society.

Next Wednesday we will be meeting with some of our staff to discuss our vision for the Impresarios, a leadership circle that will support the hostesses in managing and growing the organization. Our hope is that it will be comprised of event crew heads (Security, Vibes, Dungeon, Hospitality, Music, Dirty Cleaners and Performances) and six new coordinator positions (Marketing, Community Outreach & Public Relations, Fundraising/Friendraising, Equipment, Workshops, and Business Assistant). It may also include Advisory positions for community members who have significant expertise or resources to offer but can't commit to one of the other positions. The group will meet monthly, as well as communicate through an email list, to discuss the direction of the organization and significant community issues, as well as to consciously nurture healthy leadership practices.

I am excited. I love collaboration. I see this as an opportunity to build the organization, deepen relationships, share the responsibilities and rewards of leadership, and evolve into a stronger leader.

I am also excited and a bit nervous about the new responsibilities I am taking on as lead hostess for business development, marketing, community outreach and public relations.

I am looking forward to learning about business development -- establishing ourselves as a legal business, writing a business plan, and discovering viable options that will lead to profitability. We dream of a community center that will operate as the hub for the sex-positive community in Humboldt. It could serve as a space for all kinds of events, meetings, support groups, workshops, private gatherings, etc. It could be a part or full time center for people to come for resources and talk about sex and relationship. It could showcase sex positive artists. We've had many ideas for a potential store - promotional items, t-shirts, etc. The ideas are endless and the more we can offer, the more likely we can support paid staff.

As to my other new responsibilities, I have always shied away from anything marketing related. I have resistance to much of the manipulative psychology around sales. I have also shied away from building professional relationships. I don't consider myself good at networking because I am terrible at talking about myself or "selling" what I am involved with in an assertive way. I can be plenty assertive about healthy leadership and relationship practices or aesthetics or other aspects of our operations, but direct representation of myself or the organization has been a significant struggle. I am ready to meet this challenge and transform my stories of limitation. This is an opportunity for me to grow with the organization, to grow my wings and discover my true capabilities.

Whatever unfolds in this next chapter of the Imps story, I am so incredibly grateful for my business partners/best friends. I am grateful for Wednesday night meetings and conversations. I am grateful for our openness and healthy communication. I am grateful I opened the door to the Impropriety Society when they asked for help two years ago. And I am grateful for the opportunity to open the doors to new possibilities for evolution no matter where they lead.

For the young who want to

Talent is what they say
you have after the novel
is published and favorably
reviewed. Beforehand what
you have is a tedious
delusion, a hobby like knitting.

Work is what you have done
after the play is produced
and the audience claps.
Before that friends keep asking
when you are planning to go
out and get a job.

Genius is what they know you
had after the third volume
of remarkable poems. Earlier
they accuse you of withdrawing,
ask why you don't have a baby,
call you a bum.

The reason people want M.F.A.'s,
take workshops with fancy names
when all you can really
learn is a few techniques,
typing instructions and some-
body else's mannerisms

is that every artist lacks
a license to hang on the wall
like your optician, your vet
proving you may be a clumsy sadist
whose fillings fall into the stew
but you're certified a dentist.

The real writer is one
who really writes. Talent
is an invention like phlogiston
after the fact of fire.
Work is its own cure. You have to
like it better than being loved.

-Marge Piercy

Baring It All

There are different kinds of nakedness. There is the nakedness of the body. It is incredibly vulnerable to bare one's body publicly, especially if you, like me, don't fit into our culture's idea of immaculate beauty. I am overweight. I have stretch marks and cellulite. My breasts droop. But through sex positive activities and an empowering community I have become comfortable being physically naked in front of others. I haven't only been naked, I have sucked cock, masturbated, fucked a dildo, orgasmed and had amazing, no inhibition sex with my Love in front of others. I have literally bared it all.

But there is another kind of nakedness that I have been encouraging - sometimes even demanding - mostly behind the scenes of the Imps community. It is emotional nakedness. It is speaking our feelings, particularly our shadowy feelings - fears and insecurities, grief and anger, shame and judgment. I believe that healthy community and communication requires an openness far beyond what is comfortable or "socially acceptable." I believe that the only way to avoid the drama that often tears communities apart is to put everything out on the table. And yet I am finding myself hiding away when my own darkness descends.

When I am surrounded by my shadows, as I have been lately, I tend to keep it hidden. When I am struggling to be an evolved and well behaved leader or mother, friend or lover, I hide away in my bedroom with my discomfort, my loneliness, my shame, my passive aggressive impulses, my anger and sadness.

Recently I came across this blog post and these words resonated with me so strongly that I realize that to be in integrity with what I ask of others, I have to bare it all, to expose my naked truths and shine the light in my darkness. It is part of the revolution to be real with each other.


I think that our feelings - of loneliness, confusion, pain, and isolation - are given the most power to create desperation if and when we bottle them up or try to bear them alone. What Ronna and Anne Lamott are expressing, even advocating, is the idea that being open and honest - not sugarcoating the hard stuff - is what makes it all bearable. It's what reminds us that we're not alone...that everyone has hurts and battles and scars that mirror our own - it's the universal human condition! And where we find release and relief from those hurts, those agonies, is in sharing them. I don't think it’s so much about issuing ear-shattering cries of desperation for their own sake. But when given an outlet, a voice, they are much more likely to live and die as struggles, perhaps even crises, rather than eating us alive from the inside out, harbored as smoldering secrets, individual shame, and singularly shouldered despair. (I would add resentment.)

I think we most often stay silent in our hurts and struggles and failures, because we are afraid that if we call them out into the world, that we will be shushed, shamed, or silenced. (Especially as women.) But I also think that the power that we (again, especially as women) possess is the tenderness and truthfulness that are necessary in order to carve out safe spaces in which unfiltered real life and gritty true stories can find expression. No matter how heartbreaking, life-altering, or power-structure-shaking they may be. It is precisely in the telling of our tales, the airing of our secrets, and the sharing of our former (or current) shame, that these shackles begin to loosen and relinquish their power over our lives. The hurt begins to dissipate, the wounds to heal, the shame to evaporate. And the Phoenix rises out of the ashes.

Because I believe that the more often we say these difficult things out loud - these big, scary words and world-shifting ideas that challenge the prevailing notion of what is socially acceptable to 'put out there' - the more likely we are to find truer paths to healing. To kindness and goodness. Toward community and compassion.

The safe spaces we create as a community are not just about safe exploration of sex or gender identity. We believe it is our honor and responsibility to hold space for everything that is not harmful in order to facilitate healing, individually and collectively. We hold space for the light and shadow in each other, staff and guest.

However, I haven't really trusted the community to hold my shadow. As hostesses, we feel that we need to be positive role models, and until now, have interpreted that to mean keeping our dark feelings to ourselves (or only sharing them with each other). But I am realizing that being a positive role model isn't about putting on a happy face all the time and stuffing the darkness until we are alone. It's about being real. It's about showing what it looks like to fail, take responsibility for our failure, and then make changes to ensure more success in the future. It's about admitting when we are exhausted and in pain, physically or emotionally, and asking for support when we need it.

There has been talk about me recently, and yet only one of those talking has been willing to come to me directly to express their concerns. Without knowing who has been talking, I am unable to offer apologies and find mutual understanding. So I've decided to address the issue here, not knowing if those who have been effected by my behavior will see it, but it's the only forum I have to give context and to express the changes we are implementing to help prevent my falling down in the future.

It has come to my attention recently that I have been snappy during breakdown of the last few events. My tone of voice has been less than kind and even made someone feel small. There is concern that if it were to worsen, some people may be unwilling to volunteer during breakdown - a time when we need our volunteers the most. It quite literally broke my heart to know there was any possibility I might drive someone away with my shadow behavior.

What I have learned through my attempt to understand why I become snappish is that not only am I exhausted and less capable of controlling my emotional responses, but I often feel my experience as a hostess is unseen and/or taken for granted during breakdown specifically.

My experience (not my excuse) is that by the time breakdown comes I am extremely tired and my body is aching. Not only have I have been on my feet for one, two or three days with little to no rest or sleep, but I have usually been at work for the Imps the weeknights leading up to the event, after working full days at my regular job.

During breakdown I am trying to pull together items that I take home rather than go to storage. I am often having to quickly prevent people from packing up what I need. I also have to prevent them from being careless with our art. We have lost a lot of art due to people pulling it down and tossing it together without removing the adhesives on the back. The art is created with a lot of heart, time and energy by community members. Having to throw it away because it's been irreparably damaged due to carelessness makes me sad.

And then there is the experience of continuing to work until the last item is in the truck while volunteers stand around and socialize. I cannot stop or go home until it is all done. I recognize it is a responsibility that comes with the position I have chosen. While I do not begrudge any volunteer the decision to be done and go home on their own terms, I do have difficulty with them standing around and watching me continue to work while they talk and play. I have difficulty with having to work around them and their stuff, and taking longer to get out the door because they have be herded. And honestly, it frustrates me that my friends will sit around and watch me keep working, seemingly unaware or uncaring of how hard it can be for me to keep going.

What we have learned from this experience is that we need to bring more intent and care to the breakdown process. We are going to begin breakdown with a huddle - to encourage each other joyfully, to check in about each others' limitations, and to address logistical issues so that we are not operating chaotically or carelessly. We are also going to tell people that if they are not working, they need to leave the building.

While it was painful to be told where I have failed to be a good hostess and leader, I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize and implement the changes that need to take place to make breakdown a better experience, not just for me but for everyone. I am also grateful for the opportunity to look at where I need to ask for support and to be aware of how others may need support. There is so much work that we do behind the scenes. Most people only see the end product. As we expand the circle of leadership in the coming months, we need to be witness to each others' unseen work. We need to be careful not to take each other for granted or make assumptions about why we make the choices we do or behave the ways we do. We need to try to approach one another with compassion when something feels uncomfortable and remember that there is always a reason for someone's actions (or tone of voice). By baring it all, even our discomfort and frustration with each other, we will continue to grow the love in our relationships.

Namaste and thank you for listening.

This is a Revolution

Saturday Night was our Valentine's Party. Soon after the party started, I was approached by a gentleman who was positively glowing with joy. He was seeking out the Hostesses to express a word of gratitude. He told me that when he read our mission statement on our website for the first time, he cried. He told me, with a smile on his lips and tears in his eyes, that he had been seeking a community like ours for 40 years! He thanked me for the work I do to facilitate these amazing experiences we create together. And on his behalf, I want to thank everyone who participates in creating this magical and loving community with us.

Someone posted the following about the party in our Yahoo group yesterday: "I had an absolutely delightful time watching, dancing, playing, being in proximity to a wide range of people with diverse experiences and tastes. Yet, somehow, we all manage to come together, creating a space where all of us fit. I believe this is a paradigm lesson the world could stand to learn. I truly see us as becoming the change we'd like to see in the world. I'm honored to be a
part of this critically necessary change."

I am honored to be a part of this change as well. With each heart to which we bring healing and transformation, we grow this revolution of love. With each person that finds a sense of home in our collective arms, we shift the world toward a brighter future. We are learning together how to experience a new depth of acceptance and love for who we are with our quirks and our kinks, our light and our shadow, everything that makes us unique and everything connects us in the human experience. We are rewriting our life stories, shifting from stories of dysfunction, rejection, and isolation to stories of healthy relationship, acceptance and connectedness. We are actively creating more stories of joy. And we are learning just how incredibly sexy each of us really is!

I have been in service to world-changing my entire adult life. I have done traditional service, mostly with women and children, from creating a home for teen mothers to directing a welfare-to-work job training center. While I felt the reward of touching individual lives in profound ways, I also felt that something was missing, that I wasn't really impacting cultural change. I knew revolution was possible, but I didn't know how to be a part of it. Then two years ago I was called to this service - facilitating sex positive community. I didn't know this is what I wanted to do. It isn't traditional, it's taboo and risky. It is surrounded on all sides by judgment, ignorance and intolerance. But it is so incredibly rich in opportunities for healing, and personal and cultural change. I had no idea how working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy leadership, something I've been looking for in traditional nonprofit organizations for years. I had no idea that working in sex positive community would give me the tools for healthy communication within all of my relationships and revolutionize my own life.

For those of us who are going deeper than the sex, into intimate connections with friends and lovers, tribe and community, we are revolutionizing relationship. Each of us that takes what we learn and experience with each other into our families, into our workplaces and into our other social groups, is affecting positive change in ways we cannot even imagine. I am learning that for every word of gratitude and validation that I receive from a life I have touched, there are many more lives I have impacted that are unseen and unknown to me. The same is true for each and every of you.

This is a revolution of love. I am thrilled to discover where we go from here as we deepen our connection and deepen our evolution.

Sculpted in Flesh and Breath

Our Vibes Lead, Jason, wrote this delicious morsel today about his anticipation of this weekend's event, The Fire Down Below. I just had to share.

"Tick tock says the clock as the latest sexual offering of our cherished kinky Society draws closer to reality. It takes the event drawing within a few days before the first shiny edge of excitement slips under the door of my mundane life and starts going through my closet. "What to wear? What to wear?," and that is how it begins for me… That is when it becomes real. I want to represent the theme of fire. I want to feel sexy. I want to be wanted. Not simple tasks to accomplish.

But then I think of the party itself – when the sexually saturated mixes with nervousness and naïveté - experience and ignorance eyeballing from across the room - some coveting what the other possesses – the loving friends and new acquaintances – the thrill of the negotiation – the joy of the dungeon screams (godiloveyouimps). Yummy yum yum.

And so as the excitement swells, so do I.

I remember all the earlier parties – the bacchanalias – the musk in the air – the reaching hands and clasping fingers – unbidden guttural moans - sudden intakes of breath – eyes full, an Epicurean feast of the senses. I think about all the observation and absorption – the single tails, clothespins and the tiny rippling sound of buckling chrome on leather. The pheromones. The willing mouths and supple flesh escaping into a world made full by gyrating limbs, lustful desires, swelled pants and unleashed pudendum. The facefucks and fistings which follow and the beautiful satisfied smiles of a well nested recovery. I anticipate the displays of dance, song and kink - carrots, prancing ponies and delicious on-stage crudités. I recall the scenes rich with inundating, invading and undulating limbs, the taste of spit, sweat and chemicals, the smell of leather meeting latex. I look forward to seeing you all under the spell of extrasensory passion, projection and voyeuristic pride. I look forward to meeting within the chambers decorated and prepared solely to host the celebration of fuck – where underwear meets underground – watching fantasies realized, sculpted in flesh and breath and the sharing of one’s most secret hopes and desires with hundreds. Rise up children of HEdon and SHEdon – invite Dionysius as your wingman and together we will reclaim the sacred fuck."

Where I Fall Short

I have been thinking about the community a lot the last couple of days. There has been a discussion at the Imps Yahoo Group about social status, cliques, and potentials of real or perceived inclusion and exclusion in the community. I have found myself feeling defensive when faced with the idea that anyone may feel excluded from our community or think that we are an exclusive club. I realize my defensiveness is based in sadness - heartbreak that there are people in our community experiencing isolation and loneliness, feelings that they don’t belong and that somehow they aren’t “enough” of one thing or too much of another to be included. I know those feelings too well, which is why I try so incredibly hard to create an atmosphere of acceptance while holding ourselves to standards of healthy interaction (we love you, we want to know you, but we do ask that you at least try to interact with us in a healthy, uplifting way; we'll help you back up when you fall down and hope you'll do the same for us).

We make big effort towards letting people know that our mission is to accept, embrace, and hold space for anyone and everyone who seeks a safe space for their healthy creative and sexual expression. We train our staff in inclusivity. We make decisions all the time that are based on principles of inclusivity rather than our own feelings about individuals and we ask others to do the same. It’s not easy, but it’s incredibly rewarding to watch people who are visibly struggling with insecurity and unconscious/unhealthy social behaviors integrate into the community because we seek out their light, we practice forgiveness, we are willing to risk awkwardness, and we are learning open and healthy communication together.

But the reality is that I can recognize all this and also recognize my own falling short of being an example of the openness I desire the community to practice. The thread about ageism and single older men being perceived as creeps makes me aware that I suffer from judgments about people that keep me from interacting with them. I also struggle with typical insecurities that I will not be liked or that no one is interested in what I have to say. And I struggle with light-hearted social interactions. What we call “small-talk” is an ability that I do not naturally possess in most situations. I am wired to talk about how I feel rather than what I think or what I do, which is usually a more honest and complicated conversation than most people want to have at a social event. So I struggle both with not knowing what to say to people when I have a chance to interact, and fearing that if I talk about what comes into my mind (heart) that they won’t want to interact with me. In most opportunities I have to start or continue a conversation, I choose to just stay quiet.

As I wonder about what contributes to a person’s perception that there is an exclusive clique(s) in the Imps community, I wonder what people perceive in me and my quiet. I know in high school, when I was painfully shy, some people thought I was snobby because I didn’t interact and that maybe I thought I was better than other people. Does my quiet make people think I’m not interested in them or think that I am better than them? Is this compounded by being at the center of the community as a Hostess? Any position of leadership is accompanied by some negative perceptions, whether deserved or not. I had a staff member tell me a few months ago that people are intimidated by us because of our position. I can’t comprehend being perceived as intimidating when I’m sitting here so damn afraid that you won’t like me, and yet I fear my quiet is much of what may make me intimidating.

I’ve realized that if I don’t give people a story, a context for my behavior, then they are going to make up their own story about me and what my actions mean. So here I am, telling you my story...that I am experiencing the same things that many of you are when you come to our events. I’m scared and I don’t really know how to be myself around you. I am fighting “to be nobody but myself.” I am learning how to express myself, what matters to me. Despite the quiet you see, what matters to me most is connecting with YOU. You have no idea how much I love you, how much I think about you, how much I want to witness the stories of your unfolding. My desire is to break free from the fear of being myself with you and in doing so, to help you break free from your fear, too. My desire is to create a space, a community, where everyone can absolutely be accepted for who they are from the moment they walk in the door. Is that an unrealistic Utopian dream? Maybe, but does that make it any less worth striving for?

“Wanting and desire are potent, and they lie latent, dormant, silenced for so long – sometimes our entire life. Other voices (religion, family of origin, partners, work, culture) tell us in no uncertain terms that to want or desire, is selfish, dangerous, and a huge set-up for disappointment. Those voices are lying. They are the voices that keep us from being ourselves; that keep us from being “nobody but myself.”

Acknowledging that we have desire(s) – that we want, is what awakens everything that makes us who we truly are, “nobody but myself.” It’s the best weapon in e. e. cumming’s fight and mine. I’m betting yours, as well...Have faith that what you want and desire is inspired, beautiful, powerful, and worthy. Have faith that your truest voice, your inside voice, is the one that the rest of us most need to hear.” Ronna Detrik

Penis Passion

I just read this lovely article on Penis Passion by bell hooks.

"Returning to a blissful sense of the sacredness of the body, of sexual pleasure, we acknowledge the penis as a positive symbol of life. Whether erect or still, the penis can always be a marvel, a wonder, a magic wand."

I have had a complicated relationship with cocks over the years. I was sexually violated in my early teens and early 20's, as well as a survivor of domestic violence. I experienced a lot of unhealthy relationships and sexual interactions with men. I discovered my love for women in my early 20's as well and often wondered, especially after every bad relationship with a man, if I was really lesbian. While I loved sex with men, I really had no interest in sucking or touching their cock, or giving it any more direct attention than was asked for (whereas I have always adored pussies...which is why I dedicated an art project to them). As a feminist who participated in Take Back the Night marches and other women's empowerment activities, I found it difficult to separate the men I personally loved from the greater patriarchy that still oppresses women. I found it difficult to be comfortable with their blatant sexuality and desire, even if it was expressed without aggression. Based both in cultural and personal experiences, I got caught up in judgments about how men are obsessed with their cocks, which made me desire them even less.

And then last year I met my guy and his cock. I haven't just fallen head over heels in love with him, but with his cock, too. Yes, this is the healthiest and most loving relationship I have ever participated in, which inspires my tremendous sexual interest in him. Yes, we resonate intellectually, emotionally and sexually, which arouses my mind, my heart and my body. But there is something more to this cock love I have discovered.

As sensitive and wonderful as my guy is, he is still "obsessed" with his cock. He touches it and plays with it and talks about it all the time. He masturbates nearly every day that we don't have sex. And yet instead of being bothered by this, I find it endearing and fun.

"I believe we still need to see more visual images of the penis in everyday life."

Like bell hooks, I have formed a loving and arousing relationship with his cock that goes beyond erection and penetration. I love his cock when it is soft, laying against his belly when in bed, or nested against his balls when he stands. I find myself looking at it whenever it is exposed, wondering at its various states of being. I hold it often without erotic intent -- during our morning cuddle time or over his jeans when we're in the car or watching a movie. I kiss it often. I kiss it good morning or sometimes just kiss it hello for no reason at all.


"We could go down between male legs, abandon ourselves to mystery, and rise up satisfied and pleased with the knowledge that we could give and receive sexual delight. We could express our annoyance at expressions like blow jobs, which implied that anytime we sucked dick it was service work we did to pleasure men. The pretense was over. Females who enjoyed sucking dick could express that joy, could name it as an act of power which required males to trust in the sexual integrity of the female — to trust that at his most vulnerable moment she would give pleasure and not pain."

Oh, how I love sucking his cock. I have evolved from giving passive, dispassionate blow jobs that felt like work, to developing a repertoire of cock kissing, licking and sucking techniques for his pleasure. I have also learned how to give him a good handjob, something I had never done before him. I haven't learned and given these things just to please him, but because I get pleasure both from arousing him and from the acts themselves. It turns me on to suck his cock, most especially when he grabs a fist-full of my hair and fucks my mouth because he is so incredibly turned on.

"In a context of mutual sexual pleasure rooted in equality of desire, there is room for a politics of sexuality that is varied, that can include hard dicks, rough sex, and penetration as gesture of power and submission, because these acts are not intended to reinforce male domination."

My guy and I also have a developing D/s relationship. I find that I am having to work through shame and concern that I am turned on by being dominated by a man, that I desire to worship his cock, that I am so deeply aroused by rough sex and by being taken at his pleasure by mouth, pussy and ass. I am a service submissive by nature and you can see it in nearly all of my relationships, especially my relationship to the Imps. I have no issue with being submissive. It's been sexually aroused by acts that are considered demeaning to women that my inner feminist is reconciling with (and he is too I think). Having someone I admire, like hooks, give it a context of "mutual sexual pleasure rooted in equality of desire" is incredibly helpful. When we play rough, it is absolutely from a place of equal desire and mutual pleasure.

"...those of us who enjoy penis passion often find ourselves silenced by the assumption that mere naming of our pleasure is traitorous and supports the tyranny of patriarchy. This is simply faulty logic. Submitting to silencing makes us complicit. Naming how we sexually engage male bodies, and most particularly the penis, in ways that affirm gender equality and further feminist liberation of males and females is the essential act of sexual freedom."

Censoring the Dictionary

"A school district in Riverside County has pulled the Merriam-Webster's 10th edition dictionary from school shelves because it includes the term oral sex. The Menifee Union School District took the action last week after a parent complained about the dictionary.

'It's just not age-appropriate,' said school spokeswoman Betti Cadmus told the newspaper. 'It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature.'

The school board will decide later whether to return the dictionaries to the classrooms. One board member told the Press-Enterprise that there are probably more objectionable terms in the dictionary." Los Angeles Times Blog

Wow, really? We are going to start censoring dictionaries because they contain sexual language? This is an entire school district, not just an elementary school. I am flabbergasted that people are this uptight about providing information to school-age children about the most natural thing in the world.

If a child has the notion to find the definition for oral sex in a dictionary, then it's likely time they learn what it is...because they are already thinking about it! Besides, it's not as if they can't ask a fellow schoolmate or look it up on the Internet. When are people going to realize they can't "protect" their children from learning about sex? And learning from a dictionary and their parents in an appropriate context is a hell of a lot better than learning from their peers with the misinformation that abounds? Take it from someone whose mom kept her out of sex ed and got pregnant at age 16 because she didn't know anything about birth control...it is never a matter of keeping children from learning about sex, it's a matter of who they learn about sex from!

Here's a more comprehensive report on the issue.

Retreat and Renew

The Hostesses of the Impropriety Society had a two day retreat last weekend to discuss the future of the organization and reflect on our accomplishments of the past two years (can you believe it's been two years!?!). We have produced 5 large parties, 7 socials, and several workshops. We have operated in the black financially since the beginning, which is unusual for an organization/business of any kind, whether or not there are paid staff. We have had many, many people tell us that their lives have changed because of their participation in our events and community. And the biggest success of all for us personally: we have worked well together, processed through our conflicts and shadow behaviors with a commitment to healthy communication, and grown our love for each other as we evolve into better leaders and better people.

I have been involved in leadership for 10 years and have seen organizations struggle as politics, shadow behaviors and unhealthy communication destroy professional and personal relationships (and the organizations themselves in some instances). It is remarkable to see how the Imps volunteers have successfully navigated our relationships, deepening our friendship and intimacy rather than tearing each other apart, especially when sex is involved in such a prominent way (consider how most businesses officially discourage relationships between staff because of the problems that can arise!).

It turns out that we do far more than produce sexy parties. While we could have remained focused on managing the logistics alone, the Society is more than a sequence of erotic events. The Imps are a thriving community revolutionizing our cultural approach to sex, relationship and love. Because of our commitment to healthy communication, consent, negotiation, privacy and safety (both physical and emotional), the Hostesses have found ourselves having to take on an expanded leadership role by nurturing the community relationship.

Honestly, we were not prepared for the emotional stamina required for this kind of leadership. We did not consider that we would have to be role models for healthy relating with our staff, our friends and our lovers, holding ourselves to higher standards than we ever have before. We didn't realize that we would have to guide ourselves and others through the process of changing unhealthy communication and relationship habits -- whether public or private. We weren't aware that we would have to mirror people's shadows to them when their behavior becomes harmful to the community and face the heartache of people we love turning away from us. We did not know that community members would come to us for guidance on a whole variety of personal and relationship issues. We were not expecting having to navigate complicated relationships as the lines blur between volunteer staff and personal tribe. We have seen relationships begin and end, conflicts arise and resolve in forgiveness, and amazing love bloom in greater abundance than any of us could have wished for.

We have realized recently that the logistical demands for parties are more than we three hostesses can continue to manage with our full time jobs, families and social lives. The vision of a community center dances in our hearts, but we wonder about the resources needed to make it a reality. When we add the time and energy needed to nurture the volunteer staff and greater community, it's impossible for us to consider growth without growing the circle of leadership. We struggled this last year with maintaining the Society's regular activities. If we are to grow as an organization, or even continue thriving in what we do now, we need to expand the circle of responsibility.

We have decided to implement a new level of leadership in the organization called the Impresarios. This group will include event Crew Heads, as well as a few other new leadership positions that will both help us with the event planning logistics and with nurturing the community relationship. This team will meet monthly and participate in the decision making process. We are excited about the possibilities. We are excited about expanding our vision of what is possible by embracing the deeper involvement of others.

It's a new year and we are headed in a new direction. It feels good. I feel re-energized and re-committed to the evolution of this amazing community that brings so much love, fun and sexy goodness into my life. I hope to find that others feel the same way.

Help With Sexuality Preferences Research

Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator Results

Partner Orientation
Submissive: You indicated that you are most comfortable with being the submissive partner, which typically means you are waiting for your partner to initiate sexual activity with you to confirm their desire for you.

Arousal Method
Touch: You indicated that you are usually aroused through being touched by your partner.

Pleasure
Emotional: You indicated that you more often experience your sexual pleasure through your emotional feelings.

Sexual Encounters
Adventuresome: You indicated that you feel most comfortable in your sexual encounters where there are experiences of variety and creativity.

Sensitive, sensual and kind. Enjoys the present moment and prefers not to rush pleasure, achieving orgasm within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their sexual partner. Not likely to introduce new ideas but is receptive to them and adopts a willingness to try anything at least once.

* * * * *

From the website: "The BSPI© was developed as a communications tool to help individuals understand their own sexual preferences in their sexual relationships and provide a comfortable means for openly discussing one’s sexuality.

While the BSPI© is an easy, fun and thought provoking exercise, you are also taking part in a world-wide data collection project. Once you begin the BSPI©, you will be asked to voluntarily submit some general, anonymous demographic information that will be critical in the writing of my book – The Psychology of Your Sexuality. I am collecting the data to learn about differences and similarities in how we experience our sexuality. My hope is to use the information gathered to promote a healthier, wholesome sexuality that has its basis in pleasure and not mechanical performance and that does not pathologize any particular person because of the way they chose to express their sexuality."

Significant Piece of the Puzzle

where you came from
(poem for my daughter)

i.
the words came home today
unexpected, though i knew
they were inevitable

they didn’t knock at the door
they stumbled in
awkward and young

“I want to know about my dad,”
you said , six years old
unable to know what you are really asking

ii.
i tell you...

the thin but short legs
the round little butt
the Buddha belly

they are his

the rosebud lips
the soft brown hair
the swirl of ear

they are mine

the golden skin
the gray-blue eyes
the spirals of curls

they are yours

iii.
i tell you...

the remarkable temper
the bug-eyed glare
the exaggerated sins against you

they are his


the need to please
the easy tears
the ability to lie with a smile

they are mine

the screechy whine
the hypochondria
the desire to be center stage

they are yours

iv.
i tell you...

the charm
the leadership
the ability to inspire

they are his

the intelligence
the fierce independence
the obsession to learn and create

they are mine

the natural comedy
the gymnast tendencies
the touch that can heal

they are yours

v.
i do not tell you...

the prison walls
the ability to rape
and to murder

they are his
and he will not give them to you

the invisible scar
the gun against forehead
on the night you were made

they are mine
and i will not give them to you

the innocent smile
the easy laughter
the life free of violence

they are yours
and we will not take them from you

* * *

I wrote this poem as a hypothetical rather than literal handling of the situation. I told her what was age appropriate at the time, knowing that I would tell her the full truth one day. She is 14 now, has seen this poem and is aware. She is secure in knowing that I have no negative feelings about her presence in my life.

I will tell more of this story, and how it has influenced my evolution towards the Imps, in the near future.

Autobiography by Poetry

I Know (For Virginia Woolf)

I.

“Five hundred a year stands for the power to contemplate,…”

when you grow up
eating white beans
and ham-hocks,
peeing off the back porch
of a condemned house
without plumbing,
and wearing your mother’s
wedding dress
for eighth grade graduation,
self confidence
is as unattainable
as your own room

when you birth
your first child
at the age of seventeen,
learn neither friendship
nor romance will
play in your sandbox,
and survive on three hundred
a month and food stamps
to earn your diploma,
the dream of composing poetry
is as impractical
as a prom date

when madness
creeps in to take
your wits hostage,
a naïve choice in a lover
leads to his gun
in your bedroom,
and your second child
is conceived in rape
rather than love,
freedom of mind
is as hopeless
as a safe place to sleep

when your days become
blurred snapshots,
writing research papers
while nursing at midnight,
picking lice from your
daughter’s corkscrew curls,
and crumpling into bed
alone and weeping,
the power to contemplate
is as unlikely
as finding a devoted father
for your children

when winning bread
means struggling
to keep poverty
from possessing your family,
success entices you
to give up your imagination,
and the american dream
attempts corporate
conquest of your heart,
your greatest power
lies in your courage
to pick up a pen and write


II.

“…a lock on the door means the power to think for oneself.”

my stories are not
hidden behind wiggling
door handles,
my insights strut between
silly songs and giggles
with my babies

my stories are not
opened with brass keys
tinkling on a silver ring,
my brainstorms swirl and burst
among homemade bubbles
in the back yard

my stories are not
bound by scrawls on paper
or pixels on a computer screen,
my tragedies bleed from
tiny fingers with splinters
and paper cuts

my stories do not
wait for a quiet room
to reveal themselves,
they run naked through
my house and office
when least expected

my stories learn with me
that privacy is a luxury
a mother must demand
after so many years of interrupted
movies, meals, showers,
and sexual tanglings

my stories gather in my lap
each day as the sun sets,
where I kiss them one by one,
tuck them in a pocket
of my heart and whisper,
“Our time will come."

* * *

This poem was written as part of a submission to a competition for a writing grant for women, in response to Virginia Woolf's quote about a woman needing a room of her own and an independent income in order to be able to write.

More Brave, More Real

"i know i’m inspired when i read super-intimate tweets by friends & other artists, when i read interviews with diamanda galas talking about her extreme personal details. i feel less alone, more human, more brave, more real. in the end, it’s not about the ass-pimple. in the end, it’s about the humanity, about people willing to share their imperfections & strange little habits so that we don’t feel alone." Amanda Palmer

I came across this quote the other day on Amanda Palmer’s blog and am grateful for the reminder that people respond to deeply intimate sharings. It’s a way of building connection, one of the most important activities of my life.

It’s a new year, a marking of time that lends itself well toward manifesting new intentions...or reviving old ones that need re-commitment. Like telling my story. I am feeling the call to write again, to start telling my story again, as raw and open as I used to when I was blogging to people I didn’t know, people who didn’t live in my local community. I don’t post here as often as I would like because I’ve been afraid to be open here. I have to see the people who will read what I write. I can’t hide behind anonymity here. But I am deciding that’s ok. I am taking my next step in open-heartedeness.

This blog was meant to be a diary of an erotic hostess. How can it be a diary if I don’t write my most personal thoughts about this journey that I am on? And where better to start than by telling the story of what led me here, why I give everything I have to nurturing the Imps community? It’s a compelling story. I have experienced many miracles and traumas in my life. I have been through the school of hard knocks more than once. And out of that I have created a life rich in love and acceptance of who I am...emotionally intense, incredibly vulnerable, long-winded writer and all. :)

I now have a job where I have quite a bit of free time and no one is monitoring what I do with it. I think the wise thing to do with some of that time is write. I miss writing, both the personal sharing of it and the art of crafting thoughts into compelling sentences and paragraphs. I miss processing my life through writing. I miss sharing my evolutionary process with others through the written word.

And the truth is that I want to transition to making a living from something I love, like writing and facilitating evolutionary experiences for others, whether through coaching or producing erotic parties or other transformational activities that I haven’t even imagined yet. I am hoping that by dedicating some time to practicing writing again through my blog, it will lead me to writing articles and/or a book, which will lead to new opportunities for my career.

So the coming weeks will not only become a more consistent documentation of my life now, but I will also start telling the story of what led me here. I think I will begin tonight by sharing a couple of poems I’ve written about my past.

If I Were Brave Enough

Alliance

“You have to make an alliance
with your anguish,” he said,
“not wage war against it.”
And I thought of all the fists
I had shaken at misfortune: games lost
because the shot clock ran out,
a good meal scorched in a forgotten oven,
money dropped on a dress worn only once,
the bully in 6th grade, the math test in 9th,
the wrong outfit at Halloween.
But of course, this isn’t what he meant.


If I were brave enough, I’d tell you how my heart
has raged for love, stretched thin as a high wire.
If I were brave enough, I’d tell you
how my body has been fighting to stay upright
on every precipitous downhill the city
throws at it. If I were brave enough,
I’d climb into your lap and weep with longing.
All I can say is that any attempt at beauty and hope
is land-mined with failure.
And so the perilous track-making begins.
Wending our way through,
there are possible clutches at sunlight, at windows, at yes.
We are each of us inches from death.
We are each of us inches from life.
We are each of us inches from one another.

-Maya Stein