Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wait...Slut? What?

If you have been a regular follower of my blog, which has been mostly dormant the last month, then you're probably wondering where the heck the last post about exploring my inner slut came from.

As I work to make my peace with Knight's desire for sexual explorations that don't involve me, I've been noticing my responses to his desires. I've been noticing my judgments about sexual exploration without established relationship, whether with strangers or acquaintances. I've been noticing a belief that anything "less" than what we have in love and chemistry isn't worth exploring. I am realizing that I have tangled up sex and love more deeply than ever before in my life.

I know that when I have a judgment, I need to be looking inside for what I may be rejecting in myself.

I used to be an ethical slut. I've had over 60 lovers in my life. It wasn't all healthy, I admit to significant self-esteem issues, but it wasn't all dysfunctional either. I started exploring poly in my mid 20's. Before meeting my ex-husband, I successfully navigated poly relationships as a non-partnered person. I had a lot of sex and a variety of connections, from fuck buddy to long-term love. I had amazing one night stands and repeated weekend dalliances where there was more sexual magic than I've had with most of my long-term lovers. I know through experience that there are many healthy and wonderful ways to sexually connect with other people that might last a couple hours or years and never lead to a partner relationship. I am so grateful to have known those people and shared the incredible experiences.

So where has all this judgment come from? When did I start believing that having a deep love makes all other connections somehow less meaningful or worthwhile?

I have also had incredible desire to open myself to more sensual and sexual expression within the Imps community. I have dear friends with whom I would love to share sexual and power exchange experiences. I have felt attraction for people at parties that I have been too shy to approach. In truth, I have been desiring all of the same things that Knight is desiring -- the freedom to explore sexual attraction, the excitement of experiencing new things with new people, and the intimacy of allowing friendship to include erotic interaction. But I've been telling myself a lot of stories about why I can't have those things.

I think I am holding all potential relationships to the standard of mine and Knight's in self protection. I think that there may be a self-esteem issue at play here, in reverse of what it used to be. In the darkest days of my youth, I used to seek sex with just about anyone who would look my way in a desperate grab for the validation, as well as physical touch and affection. But I am not desperate for those things now. While I still have self-love issues to work through (and really, who doesn't?), I have lots of love, affection and fabulous sex in my life. The desires I have now are just that, authentic desires sourced in my intense sexuality.

I am a highly sexual woman and I always have been. But I've kept it mostly to myself. I've shown it to some people, people I feel safe and comfortable with, and Knight in particular knows that part of me more intimately than anyone. I believe I've been experiencing a new level of sexual awakening with the Imps and Knight as I express and explore my true desires (rather than being satisfied with what my partner offers). But I am really struggling to accept my desires. I am especially struggling to believe that anyone else would want to make them come true.

What Knight has noticed in me is a belief that I am not desired by others. A belief that he's the only one who wants me (hence my clinging to him so tightly!). He's pointed out how I dismiss every possible sign that someone may be interested in me. He talked to me the other day about my having sexual prowess and incredible erotic power and I found myself cringing inside at the idea. I would never consider myself as someone who has sexual prowess. I have never thought of myself as seductive or having erotic power of any kind. In fact, my greatest insecurity as an Imps hostess is that I am not the sex goddess that people would expect an erotic hostess to be.

But I think the truth may be that I am. I love, adore, and cherish sex and sexual expression of all kinds. I love to read erotica. I love erotic art. I love a great sex scene in a movie. I love to throw sex parties! I love to witness other people's sexual expression. And when I allow myself to fully express my sexuality, it touches people deeply. I open myself deeply. I am known for going deep as a submissive and masochist. I am cherished for the fullness of presence that I give and my willingness to truly surrender. Just as I express intensity of feeling in other areas of my life, I bring a rich emotional experience to sex, whether the scene is based in love or primal lust. It is never just physical with me. If you consider the vulnerability with which I write about my personal evolution here, then you might imagine the vulnerability I bring into sexual experiences.

I need to recognize that I am an incredibly sexy woman because I love expressing my sexuality. I've known this about others. Sexy isn't about looks or age or other surface factors. Sexy is about one's open expression of their sexuality. We love people who are bold and vulnerable about being their authentic sexy selves (which is why our performers are so adored!). Doesn't that apply to me (and you), too?

This, and more, is what led to putting myself out into the dating world through an online dating service a couple weeks ago, and now a Craigslist ad. A few weeks ago, in what I determined to be a healthy choice to expand my relationship world, I signed up for a dating site. It was more of an invitation to the Universe to bring new connections into my life than an actual hope that something would come of it. But some good things have unfolded because I am following my impulses. As I've met a few men and really considered what I'm interested in experiencing, I've come to realize that I desire to fulfill some specific fantasies involving sexual domination and humiliation. I've been fantasizing almost exclusively about sexual domination for the past several months. My explorations in D/s with Knight have been few and far between due to our rocky relationship status. I am hungry for more. So I wrote the CL ad.

Every man I've met so far has desired me. I have made my choices of whether to pursue the potential from an empowered place. This is so very new and wonderful.

I am finally accepting the sexual and sexy woman that I am. I am letting my inner slut out to play. I am expressing the sex goddess within me. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

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