My Role Play Experience

I wrote prior to last weekend's Social about my various issues surrounding roleplay. I would like to share what happened for me in opening up to the idea.

I was drawn to being very girly, which is not a common expression for me. I tend to be rather serious\intense with a darker fashion sense rooted in my old days as a Goth-punk. I never wear pastels or white (although I do love to sparkle). It is both a part of who I am to express myself this way, and a sort of protection, an armor that I have become accustommed to wearing. What am I protecting myself from? The emotional vulnerability I always feel around others being one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve.

For the Social I wore a hello kitty tank top, very short jean skirt, white lacy panties, white knee high socks, high heeled mary-janes, polkadotted bows in my hair and all pink makeup. I also carried a fuzzy little purse with stickers, bubbles and lollipops. I started out feeling silly, but people were so kind about expressing how cute they perceived me to be that I quickly found comfort in expressing my girly self.

Psychologically, my original intent was a bratty schoolgirl, because being a receptive-passive woman by nature I am rarely assertive enough to be a brat, but something else unfolded instead. My inner little girl came out to play. The interesting thing about that is that I don't remember childhood at all, I don't remember being a little girl at all. For reasons I won't go into here, my memories begin at age 11. But she is in my heart of hearts and tries to come out to play sometimes. I have a fairly secret love for girly toys... sparkly stickers, fairy wands, blowing bubbles, Hello Kitty, little girl barrettes and purses, and other cutsy things. I tend to repress those tendencies because I am afraid others will think I am foolish being 36 years old, a mother of teens and all that. But at the social people were so positively responsive, it helped me to let go of my insecurities and just be who I felt like being. One of my highlights of the night was placing stickers on the skin of many of my Impish girlfriends. While I wouldn't do the full get-up in regular life, I do hope to be more open to my little girl when she wants to express herself and share her toys with her friends.

The other wonderful aspect of my night was the teacher-student scene I did with my partner. It was actually our very first D\s experience and I am so amazed at his courage and willingness to try something new in public. Sir took the time to prepare a lesson plan for me and inspired me to want to be a good girl for him (of course I did not want the punishments that he indicated were possible, like time-outs or eating olives--yuck!). He allowed my friends to give me birthday spankings and lovins. He gave me his first public flogging. In all this, he awakened the submissive in me at a depth I only had an intuitive inkling she might exist. I am very excited to continue my lessons with Sir.

I really appreciated Sebastian's emphasis at the roleplay workshop on how playing together can deepen the intimacy in a relationship. Something definitely deepened between my partner and I in this experience. The vulnerability we shared with each other, and the community, was profound. I am certain it will ripple out in ways we can't yet imagine, both in our relationship and our ability to be our authentic selves in the world.

I was originally confounded by the idea of roleplay because I thought I was supposed to be someone other than myself. I learned that what roleplay offers is an opportunity to explore parts of myself that are very much me, but I have repressed, and even forgotten, in fear of some kind. Roleplay is an opportunity to love myself more and deeper by honoring everything that I am within. I am grateful to my tribe and the greater community for providing the space for me to learn and grow in this particular way.

Coming to the Revolution

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Falling Down

I fell down last night. In a rather intense pms haze of shadow (do other women have stronger pms symptoms when something big is happening with the moon like an eclipse?), mere hours after proclaiming that I desire to release poverty consciousness and embrace abundance, I chose my fear stories and isolated myself instead of accepting loving company that was offered on my birthday night or reaching out for support from my tribe. I guess I am sharing this because I want the community to know that although I strive to live the ideals I share in writings like the previous post, I am really just a mess like everyone else most days. I am usually writing to myself as much as anyone else.

One of the vital lessons in conscious evolution and healthy relationship is forgiveness, both of others and ourselves. When we cannot forgive another it is because we are unable to forgive ourselves for the shadow they reflect back to us, we cannot or will not accept that we have the same ability to hurt another so we fail to find compassion for the fear that motivated their action that hurt us. On the other hand, I believe guilt and shame are prime contributors to addiction and stagnation in one's evolution, especially since I saw this pattern in my mother, who never experienced real healing in her lifetime and suffered extremely because she believed that she should for the mistakes she made. We are usually harder on purselves than we are on others. We are willing to accept the falling down of our loved ones and offer a hand to lift them up again, while we beat ourselves up for days, weeks, or even years for our own falling down, as if the bruises of falling aren't consequence enough. I am learning to illuminate the sources of my guilt and shame rather than hide them in fear of being unlovable should my failings be exposed. It is often the act of illumination itself that brings healing and releases the fear.

One of the reasons it took me months to start this blog after conceiving the idea is that I wondered who the hell I am to think I have anything of value to share about positive sexuality and healthy relationship. Then I remember that the people who inspire me most are those who share their own vulnerabilities and failures alongside their evolved ideas and successes. Too often we focus on the shiny happy side of things and try to hide our darkness. We hide from our darkness so much that we villify those who fall down publicly, even though spiritual teachers, politicians, celebrities and others we put on pedastools are merely human, too. I seek those who are willing to tell the whole story, light and shadow, and who remind me that being human is containing both. We shall never transcend our shadows as long as we are in these skinsuits, we can only illuminate and integrate them so that they do not continue to create unconscious suffering in our lives.

I fell down into my darkness last night, but I am welcoming the light this morning. I am consciously choosing both to illuminate my shadow so that my shame does not paralyze me, and begin this day with love for the process of transformation that I am in the midst of. It is all right to fall down, what really matters is that I get back up again and keep trying to live in integrity with the ideas about love, compassion, and abundance that I believe in.

Poverty & Abundance

We had a post to the Imps email list this last week from someone expressing fear of exclusion based on their inability to pay for our workshops, implying that workshops should be offered for free. There were several responses about the rewards of volunteering (besides free entrance to events in exchange), what it costs to produce workshops, and how no one in our organization is making a dime off what we do. But I was feeling that there was something deeper that needed to be addressed and wrote the following:

I feel that we have hit upon a deep and emotionally charged issue for most of us in this discussion about poverty and abundance and that we need to approach this subject with as much compassion and lack of judgment as we can muster as a community. Having come from both severe physical and emotional poverty, and lifted myself out of it, I believe I have something of value to share on both sides of the issue.

Transcending poverty takes a lot of work, and not just the kind where you go out and earn a paycheck. When you have only known poverty and have no role models for abundant consciousness, it is not just a matter of trying to get a decent job (which can be a struggle no matter how educated or experienced you are in Humboldt County—I have been laid off from three of the five organizations I’ve worked for the last 10 years and am worth far more than I am paid right now) or having a positive attitude of gratitude (although it is vital to changing our experience). I know that the person who started this discussion is a parent. An attitude of gratitude does not fill your children’s empty bellies nor make you feel any sense of security in meeting their needs. Not only are you struggling with money, you are struggling with your own doubts that you are being a good parent. I have been working on my own self development for 15 years and I have a very positive and grateful attitude about life. I believe the Universe is on my side. But when those days come that circumstances lead to being uncertain that I can pay a bill or buy healthy food for my kids, I struggle with the same fear and sadness that I heard in the original poster’s email. I wonder if and when the day will come that I am doing more than just surviving, especially with all of the work I have been doing to change my experience.

And I remember how it felt when I wanted desperately to improve myself as a person, to transcend these very issues we are discussing, and couldn’t afford to attend workshops to do that personal work with others, nor were there volunteer or scholarship options available. I didn’t feel the community support we have here, I felt excluded and alone, and I believe that is the experience many people know. Few organizations are run on service alone like ours is, without someone getting paid. The kind of community service, support and connection we offer is new to many people and they may not know how to access it, or even believe such loving abundance is possible for them. I feel it is important to remember this when someone reaches out in their fear of exclusion and not-enoughness. We need to remember that these expressions that come across as angry and accusing are actually based in fear of some kind and approach that fear with loving-kindness the same way we would at an event when someone acts fearfully.

Just as it takes a lot of internal work, patience for ourselves, and compassion/support from others to overcome the social conditioning we have about sex and love, it takes the same to overcome the social conditioning we have about money and abundance. It doesn’t just happen over night or the first time someone tells us it can be different. As the Ethical Slut discusses around the subject of polyamory, many of us were raised in and live in starvation economies. We are taught that there is not enough…not enough love, not enough money. We live in a competition culture that tells us a few of us are winners and the rest of us are losers. We are taught that abundance equals lots of money, not that we can experience abundance through community support. We can’t really know any different until we experience something different. I am experiencing true emotional abundance for the first time in my life through this community and even after a year of consistent love and support, I still have my struggles some days where I feel like a loser. I question my lovability, whether the people in my tribe really see me and want me around. My fear still overcomes the love for a little while. Gratefully I always come back to the love and my foundation grows a little stronger every day. But it may be years before I fully overcome the emotional poverty I was raised in and recreated for myself for years before I learned how to experience abundance.

It takes time and serious effort to rewrite our personal stories, to change a poverty story to an abundance story, or an excluded story to an included story, or an unlovable story to a lovable story. What we can do as a community is lovingly remind each other when we stumble that there is another story that we can be telling ourselves. While we must each take responsibility for our own experience, we have the potential of getting further/quicker along in our evolution if we experience love and empowerment from those around us, especially when we are caught up in our fear.

I do want to let the community know that we are very invested in inclusivity and that we wish for people to reach out to us when they are having an exclusion experience so that we can work to help you overcome it. I know that the current volunteer model may not appear to be a viable option for people who can’t afford our events—parents may not have the funds to pay a babysitter for the set up or break down requirement on top of the event itself or a disabled person may not believe they have something to offer due to their limitations. I would hope that those who are having these kinds of experiences would reach out to us to see what other arrangements might be made. For example, perhaps you have a sewing machine at home and could make pillow cases for us without having to pay a babysitter to be out of the house. Or perhaps a parent could commit to arranging a child-care trade co-op for the group. Maybe you have physical limitations but have things you could do on the computer. Please give us a chance to include you no matter what you perceive your limitations to be. The love and desire to have you participate is here, you just have to believe it is so.

Oh, and I hope that scholarhips become an option in the future. This could happen in a few different ways. More abundant members of our community could sponsor a scholarship for someone else. We may find business sponsorship that will provide some scholarship options. Or we may achieve enough financial support from the community as a whole to have the abundance for scholarships. Or all of the above. We will have to explore it, but I want you to know that we are thinking about it.

It Shouldn’t Be Extraordinary…

...to be loved well. That is the gift of insight that my partner has given me for my birthday.

While the Imps appear to be about sex, sex is about relationship, about connecting with other human beings in some way. We focus our energy as a collective on community relationships, and as individuals we tend to be focused on our intimate relationships (or lack thereof). As far as my own evolution is concerned, I am currently in a primary relationship with a wonderful man that I’ve been with since the day we met 4 ½ months ago. He is a significant aspect of my current explorations in sex and relationship.

Healthy relationship is new to me. I grew up with a very high level of dysfunction and have had to teach myself how to be a healthy person, with a lot of painful situations and dysfunctional relationships as part of the learning curve. Having grown up in the shadow of a narcissist, my relationship issues are about being visible and lovable. Having grown up in poverty both physically and emotionally, my issues are about believing that I am worthy of abundance in any form.

This last weekend, my partner treated me to an amazing weekend at Wilbur hot springs, and then surprised me with a Tori Amos concert, which was a dream come true. The Jens (my fellow Impresses) collaborated in the conspiracy to surprise me with Tori. At 36 years old, I have never had anyone treat me to something so wonderful. No one has ever been so thoughtful about a gift, let alone spent the energy in dream-making for me. No one has shared their abundance with me to such a degree. But it isn’t about the money spent. It’s about how my partner - and my friends - love me enough to know what my dreams are and have the desire to bring them into reality. It is about experiencing that I am seen, heard and loved by those closest to me and that they desire to exert their thoughts and energy on my behalf.

In Fantasy Made Flesh, the book I am reading to help me get through my resistance to role-play, the first exercise is to write out all the reasons I couldn’t do erotic role-play. One of my reasons was my belief that my partner would not want to make my dreams/fantasies come true. It has just been shown to me that this isn’t true. That not only does my partner want to fulfill my desires, my closest friends do as well. My partner paid attention when I said in some random conversation that it was a dream to see Tori Amos perform, because she is the epitome of someone being their Divine Spark (*see note at the end of this post on what I mean by this). I believe that she is 100% in touch with her purpose for being on this planet and seems to have no fear in being her authentic self…or if she does feel fear, she doesn’t allow it to limit her. I wished to see her in person because I desired to feel the energy of basking in the light of her Divine Spark directly.

Driving home yesterday I told my partner that I had an important insight during the concert. As I watched the people around me have powerful emotional responses to Tori’s performance, I thought about what the world would be missing if Tori didn’t express the bigness of who she is, if she didn’t let her Light shine as brightly as she’s capable. Then I wondered what the world is missing when I choose fear and limit myself, when I don’t let my Light shine as brightly as I am capable in any given moment. While it may appear from the outside that I shine my light as a parent, as an artist and through leading The Society, the truth is that I still choose my fear in some way almost every day. I hold back from sharing my gifts. I have creative ideas that never manifest. Years ago I stopped singing in front of others, even though singing is one of my greatest passions, and recently turned people down when they asked me to sing for them. I have impulses to use my ability to facilitate healing with loved ones that I ignore because I am insecure that I will be rejected or I will fail. I keep my mouth shut when I feel I have something valuable to contribute to a conversation because I am insecure that I will be ignored or perceived as foolish. While I strive to live my Light, I am allowing my shadow and fear to keep many of my gifts hidden from the world.

When I shared these thoughts with my partner, he told me this is the gift that he hoped I would receive. He wishes for me to shine my Light as brightly as I can. He encourages and supports me as I open toward expressing my unique Divine Spark.

The other gift that he wanted me to receive is the knowing that I am worthy of the best things in life and that it should not be extraordinary for me to be well loved or to experience abundance. He wants to me know that I am worthy of the depth of kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness that he shares with me every single day when he makes my bed while I am in the shower, or fixes something broken in my home, or rubs my sore muscles, or truly listens when I have something to share, or accepts my limitations and failures with unconditional love and acceptance. And now he makes dreams come true for me. What he probably doesn't realize is that he is a dream come true for me, no matter what he does.

It is my hope that everyone in this community receives these gifts one day, if they haven’t already. It should not be extraordinary for any of us to be loved well – to experience thoughtfulness, generosity, kindness, and unconditional attention, love and acceptance from our lovers or our friends.

*If you are going to follow this blog, then it is important to know what my beliefs are about God and what I mean by Divine Spark. At this moment in my evolution, I believe that God is the Consciousness that binds the Universe together, that everything is a manifestation of God, including human beings. I believe that we each have a Divine Spark, a unique aspect of God that we are meant to manifest in the world. Some call this our genius.

I also believe that the human experience is about the balance between love and fear, or light and shadow. Everything we think, do or say is a choice, and we make our choices consciously or unconsciously. When we choose love, we are shining our light. When we choose fear, we are dimmed by our shadow. My personal mission as an Impress is encourage and support others to shine their light as brightly as they are capable and to bring consciousness to their choices in the process.

An Opportunity for Evolution through Roleplay

The Society is hosting an erotic role-play themed party on July 25^th. One of my fellow Impresses has challenged me to be some aspect of myself, or someone other than myself, that I haven’t been before. This is more of a challenge for me than anyone I’ve discussed it with seems to understand. My brain just isn’t processing through the idea of role-play from a personal perspective, although I love to experience others doing it in theater, film, event play, etc. Every time I try to imagine who I could be, or what archetype I could express, that is different from every day me, I feel blocked, like there is a big blank wall. I just can’t get there.

Puzzling over this I realize that I have always projected a strong external identity because expressing my identity has been a matter of taking control of the only thing I could in a chaotic life as a mostly uncontrolled empath – my body (I will write more about being an empath in this blog, as it’s one of the primary reasons I do what I do as an Impress and am so invested in the Vibes component of our events). I am realizing that this is the core of the role-play issue for me. I experience other people’s emotions so much on the inside that holding tightly to an outer expression of my identity is vital to retaining a connection to who I am, especially in social situations. I don’t ever feel the desire to role-play/pretend because I already spend so much time feeling the emotional experiences of other people. I want/need to feel like *me* as much as I can.

I have not worn a “costume” since I was a small child. The only time I have pretended to be someone other than myself that I can remember, even in appearance, was when I played Rizzo in my high school’s production of Grease. I don’t fantasize about sexual experiences I’ve never had, or about material things I might want to own, or about places I’ve never been. Even in my writing I have never written fiction or made up a story, I’ve only written about my actual experience or what I’ve felt from another person empathically.

When I dress up for Halloween or parties or whatever, I always dress up in something that reflects a part of me that normally doesn’t get to come out and play but is still very much a part of every-day me. I love corsets and bodices, so I tend to build an outfit around them for dress-up events. I have always been a Goth girl at heart, so I tend to wear outfits that are based in black, sometimes with red or silver accents. My lover pointed out to me when talking about this that I always have a bit of an edge to the way I look, which may be a form of protection. It was a stretch for me when I wore a very ruffly, short red petticoat and ruffly red panties with my black bodice for My Kinky Valentine. It was much more girly-girl than I am accustomed to. Under The Sheets was the first event I wore no black--or had no edge--at all. I wore a lovely purple sparkly dress in a Marilyn Monroe halter sort of style with silver sandals, and that was something very different for me. But the idea of role-play is about more than just clothes in my mind. It adds a dimension of embodying a different energy than I normally do, and maybe that is the heart of the challenge for me.

I don’t remember playing pretend as a child and know that I haven’t as a teen or adult. I have never fantasized anything that wasn’t based in a potential reality. I am not a person who wants. I am happy with what is. I strive for growth as a person and a professional and I enjoy the rewards that come from that. But I don’t spend time thinking about the future, how things might be different or better. I strive to live in the moment, grateful for the abundance of love, opportunities for evolution, and physical/material comfort that exists now. Some of this comes from poverty consciousness, both physical and emotional. I have struggled to pull myself out of financial poverty and severe family dysfunction. I don’t take the material abundance I have now, which isn’t so abundant from a cultural point of view, for granted because it’s better than anything I’ve had before. After years of choosing unhealthy relationships due to old familial patterns, at 35 years old I am experiencing many facets of healthy, abundant loving for the first time in my life. Again, it's better than anything I've had before. Some of this also comes from my development spiritually, I do my best to live in the moment and accept what is because suffering comes from living in the past or the future and resisting what is now. I see this related to the role-play challenge because I do not *ever* think about being different than I am, or wanting something different than what is. I don’t fantasize about anything in any facet of my life, I simply appreciate what exists now.

I have decided I am going to read Deborah Addington’s book, Fantasy Made Flesh, in order to expand my consciousness around the whole concept of role-play. Maybe something there will help me find my capacity to imagine something other than what is. I am also contemplating various archetypes that might be buried with me that I have never given life to. What archetypes am I most drawn to in stories? Can I find a story character that embodies a particular energy that I would like to express?

Although this seems like a such a simple thing to others, I think there is a great opportunity for me here to learn how to imagine possibilities of more…more abundance, more love, and more positive experiences for myself. My lover has been telling me that maybe I need to learn that it is ok to want and that I deserve to have my wants become a reality. Maybe if I can come to believe that, I can figure out what I want beyond what I’ve already been offered or who I could be beyond who I am now.

Erotic Art: Clive Barker's Imagining Man Project

I intend to use this blog to also share interesting cultural news and expressions of positive sexuality.

One problem I have found as the "art director" for the Imps is that it is damn hard to find male nude photography to be used in the art we make for events. Of course we can't afford to buy art, so we do what we can with what we can find or make for cheap/free. I'll try to remember to take some pics of some of the wonderful art our community has put together in the next couple weeks.

I had a book of female nudes from the last 30+ years that I obtained in NYC a few years ago that was full of beautiful and interesting images of women of all shapes and ages and expressions. I let the Imps cut it up and use the images. And it isn't hard to find female nude photos online. But it is difficult to find male nudes that aren't pornography (not that I have anything against pornography, but it isn't that interesting from an art perspective).

My son recently shared that Clive Barker, the well-known fantasy/horror writer and painter, also has a male nude photography series (he truly is a renaissance man!). It's very interesting. Lots of lovely cocks to be seen, as well as very interesting textures and designs on the bodies. You can check it out here...Imagining Man Project.

Our First Event and Conscious Intention

This is a post I wrote on May 14, 2008 about the Society's first event, Cherries Jubilee, and the conscious intention that we strive to bring to everything we do as an organization. I promise not all my posts will be this lengthy. :)

The Impropriety Society's Cherries Jubilee event was a smashing success! It was visually stunning, the performances were hot, everyone I spoke to was immensely joyful, there was tons of play taking place, and we even broke even financially. There were also dreams that came true for both staff and guests, and many happy first experiences for people craving a safe place to express themselves. We had guests from the Bay area, which is six hours away, because the community building we did before the event really impressed people and the word spread.

What we do is pretty unique and I strongly believe it is because we put conscious intention into both the physical and emotional space that we create. At the end of this blog post I share the intention statements with which we begin each meeting and the event itself, as well as the sharing I gave at our staff meeting that explains why I am so deeply invested in what we do (during which we had an earthquake that originated from a place nearby where one has never happened before, which felt pretty frickin' metaphorically serendipitous and magical!).

For me personally the event was amazing and a reward for a lot of work and hard won growth. As a leader, a role I am only beginning to become comfortable in, I was full of pride for my staff that went above and beyond to connect with guests and create a vibe that had everyone expressing gratitude for the beauty of it. All night long I heard how comfortable people felt, how friendly the staff was, and how beautiful the space was (we decorated simple and classy with luscious fabrics, flowering tree branches, lights and art).

I feel extreme gratitude for my two partners because we were well balanced in the talents and skills we brought to the partnership, we shared responsibility easily and we were very decisive and productive when we met. Everything went smoothly, which speaks to the level of our preparation. I also feel incredibly blessed to get to spend so much time and create with these two beautiful, strong, smart, generous women who share my passion for changing the world by supporting healthy and positive sexuality.

I was more socially comfortable than I have ever been in my life...talking to lots of people (never, ever standing on the wall as an observer, which is a first for me), giving hugs and kisses and cuddles, and even playing spin the bottle with the addition of some dice that made things far racier than mere kissing. Surrounded by so much love, especially my close friends and lovers on staff, I felt confident, sexy, and strong. I felt desired and loved. I felt seen and appreciated for the bigness of who I am. I felt like I was truly a part of a community, a tribe, a family. It was/is so very, very good. I wish everyone in the world had this experience of belongingness. I truly do. I hope we provide for as many people as we are capable.

Impropriety Society Intention Statements

As a staff, we set the conscious intention to act as a community, to encourage and support every staff member, whether we've been friends for years or we've met for the first time through this event. We set the intention for inclusiveness; respecting and celebrating the diversity of every member and the roles they fill.

We intend to respect each other's expertise and the gifts each person has to offer. We intend to check our egos at the door and bring a spirit of love into the space. We intend to work through and rise above personal agendas or difficult issues in order to work as a team. For our community, we set the intention of creating and holding sacred space for safe play, passionate pleasure, and open and free sexual and creative expression. We honor the authenticity of those who enter the space, without judgment, as long as they do not cause harm to another. We recognize that we are honored and privileged to provide our community with a safe container in which to experiment and courageously face their insecurities and fears. And we consciously accept the responsibility of the trust we are given to provide that physical and emotional safety.

What I shared at the staff meeting...

I know it's pretty geeky to actually have a little speech written but I'm very nervous about talking to the group and want to make sure I communicate what's on my heart. For those of you in the room who are new and might be feeling some insecurities about being surrounded by such amazing people, as I once did, know that some of us old timers are just as insecure in our new roles in organizing this group. All of us are risking some sense of vulnerability by being here and it makes me feel better to acknowledge that out loud.

I just want to speak a moment to the reason why I've committed to serving this community and the bigger picture of what we do. I don't know if you've all read the about us page at our website, but I want to emphasize an aspect of it.

We say that "Sex is so potent, powerful, and special that we feel it should be acknowledged and celebrated as an enormous force capable of creating good in the world (earthquake!). The Impropriety Society is committed to nurturing sacred space for sexual expression in all of its glorious manifestations. Things deemed sacred are regarded with reverence and generally thought of as good; however, many people have ideas about sex that set it apart from the sacred, and view it as dirty, bad, sick, nasty, and evil. Our goal is to remove the negative stigma around sex. Through active, conscious creation, we aim to create space in which sex in its many forms can come out of the dark taboo of profanity and into the light of the sacred through dance, music, performance, play, kink, f*ck, and love."

Although it seems like what we provide is a really great and sexy party, it is so much more than that for many who participate. We are providing a community service, albeit an unusual one. We provide the safe physical and emotional space for people to express their deepest, most authentic selves. We provide encouragement for people to explore parts of themselves, sexually and creatively, that they may have repressed in fear and insecurity for most, if not all, of their lives.

We offer the opportunity for people to make connections with other people who are turned on by the same things that they are. We are inviting people out of isolation and fear, into love and acceptance. We are inviting them to share themselves with us and each other. Invitation, acceptance, openness....these are all ideas to hold in your mind when you watch and interact with people.

Whatever your role, from dj to dungeon monitor, and whatever your reasons for working with us, your conscious participation in establishing a nurturing, pleasurable space is essential to our overall success. We have the opportunity through this event to contribute to the positive evolution of both individuals and our community as a whole.

I came across this quote recently...

"When an old culture is dying, the new is created by a few people who are not afraid to be insecure." Rudolf Bahro

Where do our deepest insecurities lie? In intimate relationship, in truly connecting with other human beings. We are afraid we will be seen to be lacking or unlovable in some way; we are afraid no one wants to love the real, authentic us...that we are too weird, too edgy, too perverted to be worthy of love and attention. But there are 50 of us in this room willing to be insecure about our bodies or our ways of having sex or watching other people have sex our even ways of contributing the event. We are living on the edge of our fear, creating new culture based on creativity, positive sexuality and healthy loving.

This event is an opportunity for other people to face their fears, to allow themselves to risk--but not too much--because they know that we have their back. They are safe. And then they realize that we are actually excited to see them come out of their shells, that we actually want to share this experience with them and they become part of our community, growing this new culture we're building.

Thank you for indulging my need to address this particular aspect of what we do. I know everyone here has a different reason for being here. Some are similar to mine, some are very different. I respect them all. I just ask that you use that reason, whatever it is that turns you on and makes you happy, as fuel for the conscious thought and emotion you put into your contribution to the event.

Namaste and thank you for reading.

Happiness Exists in Action

"When we give the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us. Happiness exists in action, it exists in telling the truth - telling what your truth is; and giving away what you want the most." Eve Ensler

I've been contemplating keeping a public journal of my life as an Impress for awhile now and it seems today is the day it is meant to begin. What is an Impress you may wonder? It's a loving nickname given to my partners and I by members of our Imp Tribe. I am one of three women who head up The Impropriety Society, a sex positive organization in a rural northern California community that produces erotic parties and educational workshops. I've also been thinking, and others have suggested, that documenting our process of production and growth could be useful to other communities who strive to create similar experiences for themselves.

It turns out that what we do is actually quite unique. We are a pansexual organization, meaning that we invite and welcome every sort of sexual expression (as long as it does not cause harm to another). We bring the kinksters, the swingers, the furries, the voyeurs, the exhibitionists, and every other sort of sexual being together to share in creating fun, creative and transformative erotic events. We produce large parties (200-300 attendees and staff) twice a year and Society Socials (~100 attendees and staff) the other months of the year. We also strive to provide a variety of educational workshops on topics ranging from BDSM to fetish exploration to communication/negotiation in sex and kink play. We have people who drive up from the Bay area to experience our events because nobody is doing the inclusive thing in the city right now. While there is access to all kinds of sexual exploration in the city, the events are segregated by interest. But our community is so small, we can't really sustain individual groups. The beauty of this limitation is that we are learning a lot about others who share our desire to express our authentic erotic selves but do so in many different and incredible ways. We are expanding our consciousness and our understanding of what it is to be human, and experiencing a whole lot of amazing connection in the process.

On a personal level, some may wonder why I do this. As I share our story here, it will become clear why I consider this to be the most blissful work I have ever participated in and why it is about so much more than throwing sexy parties. I am giving the world what I want most: the space for authenticity, creativity, healing and transformation. And love. I believe that most of us are inhibited in sharing our love even though it is the deepest longing of our hearts to do so, therefore I am striving for an openness to expressions of love on every level, from the personal with my self and my tribemates, to the collective with my local community and extending outward to my human family. I believe that much of the dysfunction in our families and culture is a direct result of sexual repression, so I strive to offer people an opportunity to express their truth and find their happiness in it.

This blog will document both the evolution of the Imps as we strive towards growing into a permanent space/community center and my own evolution as an Impress. We have been doing this work for a year and a half. I will do my best to both document the present and the past. In the spirit of sharing some of our history, I will post a few older journal entries written for a blog I was keeping last year at a social networking site and then fill in the spaces as I am inspired to. I will also strive to write at least weekly our current story as it unfolds.

Namaste and thank you for listening.