...to be loved well. That is the gift of insight that my partner has given me for my birthday.
While the Imps appear to be about sex, sex is about relationship, about connecting with other human beings in some way. We focus our energy as a collective on community relationships, and as individuals we tend to be focused on our intimate relationships (or lack thereof). As far as my own evolution is concerned, I am currently in a primary relationship with a wonderful man that I’ve been with since the day we met 4 ½ months ago. He is a significant aspect of my current explorations in sex and relationship.
Healthy relationship is new to me. I grew up with a very high level of dysfunction and have had to teach myself how to be a healthy person, with a lot of painful situations and dysfunctional relationships as part of the learning curve. Having grown up in the shadow of a narcissist, my relationship issues are about being visible and lovable. Having grown up in poverty both physically and emotionally, my issues are about believing that I am worthy of abundance in any form.
This last weekend, my partner treated me to an amazing weekend at Wilbur hot springs, and then surprised me with a Tori Amos concert, which was a dream come true. The Jens (my fellow Impresses) collaborated in the conspiracy to surprise me with Tori. At 36 years old, I have never had anyone treat me to something so wonderful. No one has ever been so thoughtful about a gift, let alone spent the energy in dream-making for me. No one has shared their abundance with me to such a degree. But it isn’t about the money spent. It’s about how my partner - and my friends - love me enough to know what my dreams are and have the desire to bring them into reality. It is about experiencing that I am seen, heard and loved by those closest to me and that they desire to exert their thoughts and energy on my behalf.
In Fantasy Made Flesh, the book I am reading to help me get through my resistance to role-play, the first exercise is to write out all the reasons I couldn’t do erotic role-play. One of my reasons was my belief that my partner would not want to make my dreams/fantasies come true. It has just been shown to me that this isn’t true. That not only does my partner want to fulfill my desires, my closest friends do as well. My partner paid attention when I said in some random conversation that it was a dream to see Tori Amos perform, because she is the epitome of someone being their Divine Spark (*see note at the end of this post on what I mean by this). I believe that she is 100% in touch with her purpose for being on this planet and seems to have no fear in being her authentic self…or if she does feel fear, she doesn’t allow it to limit her. I wished to see her in person because I desired to feel the energy of basking in the light of her Divine Spark directly.
Driving home yesterday I told my partner that I had an important insight during the concert. As I watched the people around me have powerful emotional responses to Tori’s performance, I thought about what the world would be missing if Tori didn’t express the bigness of who she is, if she didn’t let her Light shine as brightly as she’s capable. Then I wondered what the world is missing when I choose fear and limit myself, when I don’t let my Light shine as brightly as I am capable in any given moment. While it may appear from the outside that I shine my light as a parent, as an artist and through leading The Society, the truth is that I still choose my fear in some way almost every day. I hold back from sharing my gifts. I have creative ideas that never manifest. Years ago I stopped singing in front of others, even though singing is one of my greatest passions, and recently turned people down when they asked me to sing for them. I have impulses to use my ability to facilitate healing with loved ones that I ignore because I am insecure that I will be rejected or I will fail. I keep my mouth shut when I feel I have something valuable to contribute to a conversation because I am insecure that I will be ignored or perceived as foolish. While I strive to live my Light, I am allowing my shadow and fear to keep many of my gifts hidden from the world.
When I shared these thoughts with my partner, he told me this is the gift that he hoped I would receive. He wishes for me to shine my Light as brightly as I can. He encourages and supports me as I open toward expressing my unique Divine Spark.
The other gift that he wanted me to receive is the knowing that I am worthy of the best things in life and that it should not be extraordinary for me to be well loved or to experience abundance. He wants to me know that I am worthy of the depth of kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness that he shares with me every single day when he makes my bed while I am in the shower, or fixes something broken in my home, or rubs my sore muscles, or truly listens when I have something to share, or accepts my limitations and failures with unconditional love and acceptance. And now he makes dreams come true for me. What he probably doesn't realize is that he is a dream come true for me, no matter what he does.
It is my hope that everyone in this community receives these gifts one day, if they haven’t already. It should not be extraordinary for any of us to be loved well – to experience thoughtfulness, generosity, kindness, and unconditional attention, love and acceptance from our lovers or our friends.
I also believe that the human experience is about the balance between love and fear, or light and shadow. Everything we think, do or say is a choice, and we make our choices consciously or unconsciously. When we choose love, we are shining our light. When we choose fear, we are dimmed by our shadow. My personal mission as an Impress is encourage and support others to shine their light as brightly as they are capable and to bring consciousness to their choices in the process.
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