Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Role Play Experience

I wrote prior to last weekend's Social about my various issues surrounding roleplay. I would like to share what happened for me in opening up to the idea.

I was drawn to being very girly, which is not a common expression for me. I tend to be rather serious\intense with a darker fashion sense rooted in my old days as a Goth-punk. I never wear pastels or white (although I do love to sparkle). It is both a part of who I am to express myself this way, and a sort of protection, an armor that I have become accustommed to wearing. What am I protecting myself from? The emotional vulnerability I always feel around others being one of those people who wears my heart on my sleeve.

For the Social I wore a hello kitty tank top, very short jean skirt, white lacy panties, white knee high socks, high heeled mary-janes, polkadotted bows in my hair and all pink makeup. I also carried a fuzzy little purse with stickers, bubbles and lollipops. I started out feeling silly, but people were so kind about expressing how cute they perceived me to be that I quickly found comfort in expressing my girly self.

Psychologically, my original intent was a bratty schoolgirl, because being a receptive-passive woman by nature I am rarely assertive enough to be a brat, but something else unfolded instead. My inner little girl came out to play. The interesting thing about that is that I don't remember childhood at all, I don't remember being a little girl at all. For reasons I won't go into here, my memories begin at age 11. But she is in my heart of hearts and tries to come out to play sometimes. I have a fairly secret love for girly toys... sparkly stickers, fairy wands, blowing bubbles, Hello Kitty, little girl barrettes and purses, and other cutsy things. I tend to repress those tendencies because I am afraid others will think I am foolish being 36 years old, a mother of teens and all that. But at the social people were so positively responsive, it helped me to let go of my insecurities and just be who I felt like being. One of my highlights of the night was placing stickers on the skin of many of my Impish girlfriends. While I wouldn't do the full get-up in regular life, I do hope to be more open to my little girl when she wants to express herself and share her toys with her friends.

The other wonderful aspect of my night was the teacher-student scene I did with my partner. It was actually our very first D\s experience and I am so amazed at his courage and willingness to try something new in public. Sir took the time to prepare a lesson plan for me and inspired me to want to be a good girl for him (of course I did not want the punishments that he indicated were possible, like time-outs or eating olives--yuck!). He allowed my friends to give me birthday spankings and lovins. He gave me his first public flogging. In all this, he awakened the submissive in me at a depth I only had an intuitive inkling she might exist. I am very excited to continue my lessons with Sir.

I really appreciated Sebastian's emphasis at the roleplay workshop on how playing together can deepen the intimacy in a relationship. Something definitely deepened between my partner and I in this experience. The vulnerability we shared with each other, and the community, was profound. I am certain it will ripple out in ways we can't yet imagine, both in our relationship and our ability to be our authentic selves in the world.

I was originally confounded by the idea of roleplay because I thought I was supposed to be someone other than myself. I learned that what roleplay offers is an opportunity to explore parts of myself that are very much me, but I have repressed, and even forgotten, in fear of some kind. Roleplay is an opportunity to love myself more and deeper by honoring everything that I am within. I am grateful to my tribe and the greater community for providing the space for me to learn and grow in this particular way.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. You seemed to really be enjoying your play.

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