Sexuality Meet Divine Spark

"...don’t talk to me about health benefits of sex and how to score the guy. Talk to me about being fully alive and harnessing the amazing energies within to create beautiful, transformative art, love, partnerships and a better world. Talk to me about sex that breathes erotic play, seduces me to fall off the edge of control, and dissolves, for a moment, life and death. Talk to me about the mystery of sex.

In its highest sense, our sexuality is a gateway to spirit, to the place where humanity meets divinity, and as such it is sacred. It offers us a readily available opportunity to experience the ecstatic union we all long for. If...that is...we dare surrender so deeply to the erotic dance, with ourselves, with each other.

I want to make love to life. What about you?" Lone Morch

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Kelly Diels says she's good at sex.

I am realizing that I am good at sex, too. Really good.

And I'm wondering if it's kinda crazy to say so. This is one of those "who am I to ______" kinda moments. But I'm choosing vulnerability. It is this year's mission after all. And I'm honoring that it's just as authentic to say I am good at sex as it is to say I am good at writing.

I am good at sex and it isn't because of the shape of my body or how traditionally beautiful I am (not), nor is it because I know how to flirt and seduce really well, nor do I have a toolkit of well-practiced techniques.

I am good at sex because I give all of myself and because I have deep intuition about how to give another person love and pleasure.

Last night I had a magical experience with a long time friend who became a lover. He mirrored me through words, told me what he saw come out in me when I opened my erotic-emotional palette to him. Hearing myself witnessed and described in such a way, and noticing my visceral response to it, helped me piece together something that has been taking shape in my consciousness over the last year.

Something is opening in me, something that's always been hinted at in my sexual life but has yet to find full expression, although I'm getting closer all the time. Is this what reaching my sexual peak is about? Or is it something more?

It started with Knight and I thought that it was because of him, our crazy intense chemistry and good loving. But now that I've had other lovers, I find that it's inside of me and it's getting bigger, stronger, brighter.

It came out at the holiday social last month, the one I was so afraid to attend. I chose love for myself and my community rather than my fear of what might happen and the night stunned me. The entire night I flowed from one intimate connection to another, sometimes a kiss, sometimes a dance, sometimes a flirtatious conversation. Every interaction had an erotic charge based in love. And I had the potential of six play partners that night, which had never happened before (and I have no expectations of happening again). They were close friends or already lovers or a new friend who I felt would likely become a lover (and did). I had fantastic experiences with three of them and experienced a distinct lack of inhibition in my play and my connection with them in every case. I lost myself in the experience with them, gave everything I had to give in that moment, completely unaware of the party going on around me. I have to admit that at moments I felt like a sex goddess -- the full embodiment of Woman -- empowered, confident, and incredibly sexy.

Passion • To ignite. To feel all there is to feel. And to be OK with that. life by me

I love sex. I love the intimacy of kissing and licking and sucking and opening myself to penetration and riding someone to incredible orgasms. I love the play of giving and receiving, the play of assertion and receptivity, the play of dominance and submission. I love the experience of surrender to intimacy and nakedness and raw sexual hunger with another person.

Sex is not about getting hard or getting off, although they are wonderful flavors to taste in the vast buffet of erotic experience. Sex is always something more. My erotic palette blends the fiery red of raw physical hunger in my cunt with the watery blue of emotion held in my heart with the vibrant indigo of Sacred awareness that imbues my whole being. Sex is incredible magic.

I am very present during sex, giving the fullness of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am very aware of how deep sex goes, especially kinky or power exchange kind of sex. That's why I can't do much casual, stranger sex. When I get sexual, I want to go as deep into the energy of shared pleasure as I can. I suck a man's cock passionately because I'm expressing my deep care for that man and appreciation of his beautiful masculinity. I thrust from the core of my being into the core of another woman when I fuck her with my hand because her emotional receptivity drives me wild. I need emotional traction for a good sexual experience.

Once I have it, it's on.

I love sex and it shows. I love having a curvy body and the ways that I can make it move when I'm beneath someone or on top of someone...and most especially when I'm dancing with or for someone. I love my hips - so much that I love the poetic anthems to the power of hips by Lucille Clifton and Maya Angelou. I love my mouth, all of the things I can feel and do with lips and tongue and teeth, and especially the way my mouth can bring someone so much pleasure. I love that I've been told by my last five lovers that I am great at giving head, not because I am I want to be special, but because it means I made them feel really, really, really good. Nothing makes me happier than to bring joy to others. I love that I am all woman with the fleshy body of a two-time mother and a receptive nature that takes people in and holds them in holiness in the temple of my cunt and my heart. I love that I have lovers who realize the sacredness of this gift. The more that gift is seen, the more I am driven to give it.

Being an empath, I feel my lover's orgasms.

Sex is so sacred to me because I can feel people inside of my heart as well as my body. It's uncomfortable or painful for me to be with someone who isn't fully present, who is just looking to get off, who goes only as deep as skin and isn't interested in the energy we are sharing. I think a lot of my friends don't quite understand that. But I am really glad I am wired this way. When I find a good partner, I get triple the pleasure in every experience - my pleasure, their pleasure and the magic of our combined energy.

I used to be a touch healer.

I used to do energy work on people and help them alleviate symptoms or heal physical issues. It started when I would give friends or lovers massages and they would say that they felt I had a healing touch because they felt a shift during or after my the experience. I learned to direct that energy purposefully. Now I can direct energy like that when I touch people sensually or sexually. I believe my passion for touch, for consciously channeling my care and love through my fingertips, can be healing.

These are all pieces of the puzzle. I am trying to figure out the shape of my Divine Spark and I believe it's time to honor that my sexuality is a significant part of it, in my personal relationships and in the work I am called to do in the world. It's so interesting that I can often feel the shape of other people's Divine Sparks to great specificity, yet I have struggled so long to recognize the shape of my own. Although I've been an erotic hostess the last three years, I have been focused on the advancement of the sex-positive philosophy and the sexual expression of others far more than my own. While I have become more vulnerable and uninhibited in my sexual expression in my personal life and at events, I've also continued to limit myself in significant ways out of insecurity (or lack of play partner who desires to go where I desire to go).

Now I see what has truly attracted me to sex-positive work all this time, and the explorations of the last year into sluttiness and sexual submission - it's all driven by my own expression and exploration of the profound mystery of sex.

I am being offered opportunities to explore the depth of my sexual passion - to feel everything there is to feel in sharing erotic energy with others.

In my personal life I have been offered an exploration of complete sexual submission to my dear friend turned lover mentioned above. I have come to understand that the explorations in sluttiness and sexual domination last summer were a little misdirected. I desire to experience complete sexual submission as an expression of uninhibited love and devotion for another person. I am not a stereotypical slut that feeds my raw sexual hunger through many casual encounters. I am a slut who gives that raw sexual hunger to one person I deeply respect to do with as they wish. There is a deep expression of love woven into the deep arousal that comes from submission and raw sexual expression. I am so turned on by the potential of playing with someone with whom I have a deep bond and can be completely vulnerable.

My greatest turn on is love. And it doesn't have to be the big fireworks, all encompassing, you're-the-one romantic love. It can be love with anyone whom I share chemistry with. I am finally understanding the dance between the lover of sex and the lover of love within me.

At the community level of sharing my erotic divine spark -- this next party is a new opportunity for me. Instead of hostess, I will be co-head of vibes. I won't be exhausted from spending two days (several weeks) setting up the event. I will be focused on my strongest area of contribution and leadership. I am excited about the possibility of shining my light brighter than ever in the party environment. Drawing on the energy of this sexual vitality that I'm unearthing can help me do that. It's my hope and desire to contribute to and role-model an empowered sexiness through vulnerability while working and in my play. It won't be about whether or how or with whom I play. It will be about me being turned on (there are so many things about a party to fall in love with and turn you on without a partner) and really embodying my erotic power in everything I say and do.

I'll tell you what feeling this erotic power grow in me is doing -- it's causing me to fall head over heels in love with all of my life. I am more engaged in everything and everyone. I am more aware of all kinds of sensual pleasures and I experience delight many moments throughout the day. And cultivating so much yummy goodness makes it easier to choose good stories when I am in the complicated and messy and painful moments. Reinforcing joy in my life on a daily basis is making it easier to trust in the goodness of every situation, no matter how confusing or seemingly hurtful.

I am making love with life and I am truly beginning to feel that life is making love to me in return.

Or like Gnarls Barkley happens to be singing to me right now, "Maybe I'm crazy."

Wait...Slut? What?

If you have been a regular follower of my blog, which has been mostly dormant the last month, then you're probably wondering where the heck the last post about exploring my inner slut came from.

As I work to make my peace with Knight's desire for sexual explorations that don't involve me, I've been noticing my responses to his desires. I've been noticing my judgments about sexual exploration without established relationship, whether with strangers or acquaintances. I've been noticing a belief that anything "less" than what we have in love and chemistry isn't worth exploring. I am realizing that I have tangled up sex and love more deeply than ever before in my life.

I know that when I have a judgment, I need to be looking inside for what I may be rejecting in myself.

I used to be an ethical slut. I've had over 60 lovers in my life. It wasn't all healthy, I admit to significant self-esteem issues, but it wasn't all dysfunctional either. I started exploring poly in my mid 20's. Before meeting my ex-husband, I successfully navigated poly relationships as a non-partnered person. I had a lot of sex and a variety of connections, from fuck buddy to long-term love. I had amazing one night stands and repeated weekend dalliances where there was more sexual magic than I've had with most of my long-term lovers. I know through experience that there are many healthy and wonderful ways to sexually connect with other people that might last a couple hours or years and never lead to a partner relationship. I am so grateful to have known those people and shared the incredible experiences.

So where has all this judgment come from? When did I start believing that having a deep love makes all other connections somehow less meaningful or worthwhile?

I have also had incredible desire to open myself to more sensual and sexual expression within the Imps community. I have dear friends with whom I would love to share sexual and power exchange experiences. I have felt attraction for people at parties that I have been too shy to approach. In truth, I have been desiring all of the same things that Knight is desiring -- the freedom to explore sexual attraction, the excitement of experiencing new things with new people, and the intimacy of allowing friendship to include erotic interaction. But I've been telling myself a lot of stories about why I can't have those things.

I think I am holding all potential relationships to the standard of mine and Knight's in self protection. I think that there may be a self-esteem issue at play here, in reverse of what it used to be. In the darkest days of my youth, I used to seek sex with just about anyone who would look my way in a desperate grab for the validation, as well as physical touch and affection. But I am not desperate for those things now. While I still have self-love issues to work through (and really, who doesn't?), I have lots of love, affection and fabulous sex in my life. The desires I have now are just that, authentic desires sourced in my intense sexuality.

I am a highly sexual woman and I always have been. But I've kept it mostly to myself. I've shown it to some people, people I feel safe and comfortable with, and Knight in particular knows that part of me more intimately than anyone. I believe I've been experiencing a new level of sexual awakening with the Imps and Knight as I express and explore my true desires (rather than being satisfied with what my partner offers). But I am really struggling to accept my desires. I am especially struggling to believe that anyone else would want to make them come true.

What Knight has noticed in me is a belief that I am not desired by others. A belief that he's the only one who wants me (hence my clinging to him so tightly!). He's pointed out how I dismiss every possible sign that someone may be interested in me. He talked to me the other day about my having sexual prowess and incredible erotic power and I found myself cringing inside at the idea. I would never consider myself as someone who has sexual prowess. I have never thought of myself as seductive or having erotic power of any kind. In fact, my greatest insecurity as an Imps hostess is that I am not the sex goddess that people would expect an erotic hostess to be.

But I think the truth may be that I am. I love, adore, and cherish sex and sexual expression of all kinds. I love to read erotica. I love erotic art. I love a great sex scene in a movie. I love to throw sex parties! I love to witness other people's sexual expression. And when I allow myself to fully express my sexuality, it touches people deeply. I open myself deeply. I am known for going deep as a submissive and masochist. I am cherished for the fullness of presence that I give and my willingness to truly surrender. Just as I express intensity of feeling in other areas of my life, I bring a rich emotional experience to sex, whether the scene is based in love or primal lust. It is never just physical with me. If you consider the vulnerability with which I write about my personal evolution here, then you might imagine the vulnerability I bring into sexual experiences.

I need to recognize that I am an incredibly sexy woman because I love expressing my sexuality. I've known this about others. Sexy isn't about looks or age or other surface factors. Sexy is about one's open expression of their sexuality. We love people who are bold and vulnerable about being their authentic sexy selves (which is why our performers are so adored!). Doesn't that apply to me (and you), too?

This, and more, is what led to putting myself out into the dating world through an online dating service a couple weeks ago, and now a Craigslist ad. A few weeks ago, in what I determined to be a healthy choice to expand my relationship world, I signed up for a dating site. It was more of an invitation to the Universe to bring new connections into my life than an actual hope that something would come of it. But some good things have unfolded because I am following my impulses. As I've met a few men and really considered what I'm interested in experiencing, I've come to realize that I desire to fulfill some specific fantasies involving sexual domination and humiliation. I've been fantasizing almost exclusively about sexual domination for the past several months. My explorations in D/s with Knight have been few and far between due to our rocky relationship status. I am hungry for more. So I wrote the CL ad.

Every man I've met so far has desired me. I have made my choices of whether to pursue the potential from an empowered place. This is so very new and wonderful.

I am finally accepting the sexual and sexy woman that I am. I am letting my inner slut out to play. I am expressing the sex goddess within me. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)