Home & Care of the Soul

This is a different sort of writing exploration. I am sitting at home tonight feeling immense appreciation for the space I live in, the sacred space in which I care for myself and my daughter. I feel inspired to go stream of consciousness in this moment of gratitude so big it brings me tears.

One of my favorite authors is Thomas Moore, who writes about the importance of soul...

"It is impossible to define precisely what the soul is. Definition is an intellectual enterprise anyway; the soul prefers to imagine. We know intuitively that soul has to do with genuineness and depth, as when we say certain music has soul or a remarkable person is soulful. When you look closely at the image of soulfulness, you see that it is tied to life in all its particulars - good food (music, art, writing, too!), satisfying conversation, genuine friends and experiences that stay in the memory and touch the heart. Soul is revealed in attachment, love, and community, as well as in retreat on behalf of inner communing and intimacy...

Tradition teaches that soul lies midway between understanding and unconcsiousness, and that its instrument is neither the mind or the body, but imagination...

What we need is soul, holding together mind and body, ideas and life, spirituality and the world."

Care of the soul is caring for ourselves through caring for our bodies and senses, our home and family, our pleasure and creativity, our spirituality and community relationship, etc. It's paying attention to those little things that feel sacred, call to us, and bring us joy.

Part of a soulful life is creating a soulful home, a home that suits our quirky soulful tastes, and then caring for that home. Filling our shelves with sentimental momentos or things we find beautiful is creating a soulful space. The act of doing dishes or sweeping the floor can be a sacred and soulful activity.

I love my home. Living in The Barn on the Creek has transformed a half-visioned dream into an incredibly joyful home life. My last home was not a good place for me for the last few years I was there. It was neglected by the landlords, moldy and falling apart. It also felt like negative emotional energy from my marriage seemed to permeate the walls. I got into patterns of neglect and felt near daily negativity about the space. For a Cancer woman, for whom sacred home space is deeply important, my home life was impoverished for far too long and it hurt me in significant ways. Moving into The Barn was my biggest act of radical self-care this past year.

I have always desired some color on my walls. Color brings soul to a home. I love the deep green of the kitchen cupboards (it matches my couch), the various watery blues in the bathroom, and the painting of the mountain lion in the woods on the inside of my front door. I even love the two different shades of mauve carpet I have in my giant bedroom. I love that two of my livingroom walls are half windows that look out into redwood forest - so many shades of green and brown that change with the weather and the seasons.

I love that I can hear the creek and other sources of water flowing every time I step out the door. I love that it's big enough to comfortably host 10-20 people for a variety of reasons...a spiritual gathering or a slumber party. I love the empowerment I feel in being a mountain woman - chopping my own wood, creating the warmth that we need in the woodstove, meeting and dealing with critters - learning how to take care of my home and family in new ways.

I love the things I surround myself with, the soul I bring to my home:

* art from my sister, my children, friends and myself on walls throughout the house;

* a hag marionette doll from Venice gifted by my sister hanging over my kitchen counter (I call her my kitchen witch);

* the magnet poetry on my refrigerator (sex is deep art);

* the bookshelves and books in three rooms -- science fiction an fantasy, dark children's stories, poetry, subculture and bohemian explorations, good literature, women, creativity, spirituality, consciousness and quantum physics;

* the altar on my kitchen table left over from the last spiritual gathering I hostessed;

* my personal altar by my bed, most especially the tiny bottle of years upon years of Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence glitter and make-up, a recent sacred gift from a Sister friend;

* the few remaining houseplants that have survived all of my moods and neglect over 15 years, as well as the Barn's extreme temperatures (especially the ones inherited from my mom);

* the images of the sacred feminine on my bedroom walls;

* my little altars to roses everywhere;

* and the wall-to-floor shelves and dresser in the hallway stuffed with art supplies (there's another table and bins with art supplies in my room as well).

I have a soulful home. Most people comment on it's beauty and comfort when they visit the first time. And I am finding that I want to be in it more and more, just for the sake of being here. It actually brings me joy to be here and to live the rituals of caring for myself, my daughter and this place that holds our daily life.

As I sit here drinking my tea and looking out on the gorgeous bounty of beauty in the Redwoods, I feel held by the Earth and my own continuous acts of self care through nurturing a soulful home.

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Image Credit: My Daughter's photographs of The Barn and surrounding land. Another joyful boon about this place is that photography is her bliss and she loves wandering the woods to take pictures.

The Power of Vulnerability

I’ve been struggling to write. My heart cries out for me to sit down and pull my feelings out to the written word, but I resist. I’ve started many blog posts in the last couple weeks, but never finish, never go as deep as they promise to take me.

I've had this video of social work researcher Brene Brown sitting on my computer for days. I didn't know exactly what it was. Someone posted it on Facebook and I was drawn to the description:

"...she has spent the past ten years studying a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness, posing the questions: How do we engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough -- that we are worthy of love, belonging and joy?"

I was surprised, as much as she was, by what she learned.

The qualities of a wholehearted person:

Courage - Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Courage to be imperfect.

Compassion - Be kind to yourself first, which will result in kindness towards others.

Connection - As a result of authenticity. Let go of who you think you should be to be who you are.

Fully Embrace Vulnerability - What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.

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It's the last one that really gets to me and it is the quality that she finds to be most important of them all...

Vulnerability - allowing ourselves to be fully seen, exactly as we are.

Two and a half years ago, right before I co-created The Impropriety Society, I made a commitment to myself and the Divine that I would live as open-heartedly as possible. To me this meant that I would choose to risk loving without knowing where it would lead and even if it led directly into heartache. I would express my love openly and I would say yes to every opportunity to love for my self or others.

I had come to this intent by participating in a brief but very intense relationship that also inspired a spiritual awakening. It was a spiritual connection, as much as intellectual and emotional. I chose to be as open as possible, despite my fears and the possibility of rejection. Ultimately she did reject me. But the experience of love that took place inside me made it all worth it. I felt more connected to everything.

I’ve learned that my heart cannot be broken in the traditional sense, it can be bent, beaten, misshapen, lost in the dark and cold, but never broken, never irreparable. And I have learned that the deeper I allow myself to go into love, no matter the outcome, the more love and joy I become capable of experiencing. Risking love in the face of suffering and allowing the heart to break open to deeper experiences of grief, empathy and compassion can lead to an awakened life.

And yet now, after experiencing such a difficult relationship with Knight over the last six months, I find myself afraid and withdrawn, struggling to be vulnerable again. I have new lovers, a married couple and a long-time friend with whom there has been a long unexplored spark, and I am struggling to be vulnerable to them with my feelings and desires.

“I suggest you study the relationship between what you want and what you have to offer.” From Eric Francis’ Cancer Horoscope for 2010

What do I want? I desire to live an awakened life and I desire to live every moment of my life from the deepest experience of love a human being can know.

What do I have to offer? My vulnerability. My willingness to be seen, to be open, to risk for love. When I write here, it is from a place of vulnerability because I hope that by sharing my experience, my story, someone else may find something valuable for their own story.

What do I want from others, in relationship? Their vulnerability, their willingness to risk opening themselves to love, no matter where it leads.

What keeps us from vulnerability? Shame. Shame is a fear of disconnection and a belief that we are not worthy of connection/belonging/love. We think, "I am not _________ enough to belong." (Fill in the blank -- smart, beautiful, talented, wealthy, outgoing, charismatic, etc.)

I don't know that I have ever been as vulnerable as I was with Knight. We had an intimacy that was rare in my experience of relationships. And I feel that Knight rejected me in a very significant way when he shut down his heart to partnership with me. So vulnerability, being fully seen, is more frightening than ever. Will anyone stick around if they see the worst of me? Am I too emotionally unbalanced to be connect/belong/be loved? Allowing myself to be seen in entirety, especially my shadow and the challenges I have in managing my emotions, scares me very much.

I hope to find inside myself whatever it was that I found before that inspired me to choose open-heartedness. I desire to renew that commitment and to open my heart again, as fully as I'm capable. I desire to be fully seen - raw, wild, french kissing life and bleeding on the page with heart-opening vulnerability.