Thursday, May 5, 2011

Truth Telling

"To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong." Joseph Childron Pierce

I lost a blog subscriber this last week, an acquaintance friend, and I'm pretty sure it's because I have been writing about the exploration of my bitch persona. I know it's an exploration that some (many?) people don't understand.

I had another friend who was becoming concerned about my emotional health after reading my first couple of posts, until he spoke to me in person and witnessed the light that shines in me when I talk about it.

I've been wondering lately about the fact that I have co-workers and family members and other bloggers that I admire on Facebook who see links to my blog posts. They may or may not be reading my posts about bitch and witnessing the openly kinky side of me. They may have judgments or concerns.

I wonder about looking for a job in the city in a couple of months and whether I should be worried if they Google my name.

I wonder if I'll lose credibility with people because I will likely never maintain "professional" boundaries in my public expression.

I wonder if it's somehow wrong to share the most intimate details of my erotic life at the same time that I desire to establish credibility as a professional in new ways.

And then I remember...

A friend told me recently that every time she talks with other people about me and bitch and this fascinating relationship I'm having with Daddy, they all say it's beautiful. I've had several friends tell me how strong and courageous they think I am. The people that really matter in my life see the light that I'm shining and reflect it back to me.

In regards to my writing and career direction, I just need to find *my people* as a blogger and a professional. My people appreciate the intersection of psychology and mysticism with sex and BDSM. My people appreciate the depth of my public vulnerability. My people will be touched by what I have to offer exactly as I am. We just haven't met yet.

"The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born of our creativity." Brene Brown

I am compelled to write about my journey. This is my primary expression of creativity right now. In fact, writing as the bitch persona excites me as a writer in a way I haven't felt in a long time. I've been thinking about writing erotica from the perspective of bitch.

There are so many reasons to keep bitch in the closet, so many reasons to be afraid of the vulnerability of expressing every aspect of who I am through this public medium. But bitch is an authentic exploration of my archetypes and a part of the psycho-spiritual work that I am doing to evolve myself. she is really no different than my work with the Invisible Girl or the Mystic or the Priestess. It wouldn't be truthful for me to hide her from the explorations I share through this blog, especially since she and Daddy are teaching me so much about myself. It wouldn't be truthful to show the process of using archetypes as a self development tool and exclude her participation.

I know I am taking some big emotional risks, allowing myself to be mind-fucked the way Daddy does it, but I'm doing so with full consciousness of the potential consequences. I know that no matter how things unfold with Daddy, even if they accidentally turn shadowy and painful, I will transform the experience into something beautiful. That's what I do. I can find and draw out the light and beauty in anything, so why not risk walking edges?

The biggest risk I am taking is my emotional investment in Daddy. By the nature of our power dynamic it is my place to be completely vulnerable to Him, to immerse in my devotion to Him, to desire Him - even to need Him - more than i can have Him. That is getting complicated by our growing friendship; I am becoming emotionally connected in ways that blur the lines I've been trying to maintain. As Daddy recently noted, I don't really compartmentalize our relationship as clearly as He does. I tried. I can't. Especially now that I've experienced empathy with him. It's difficult, and not really desired, for me to maintain emotional boundaries or walls when I've formed an empathic bond with someone. Besides, an empathic connection allows me to be more deeply tuned in to His desire. And it increases my vulnerability, which turns us both on.

Daddy has indicated after learning about The Invisible Girl that He has no desire to provoke her. He will take me into dark fantasies that may stir her up a bit, but He does not want me to feel real heartache in response to what we do. He desires for me to have fun, to experience excitement and desire, with a little fear mixed in for the rush of it. As dark and scary as Daddy can seem, he's really a good man that shines a bright light in the world, and in my life.

Here are some of the reflections of light in this relationship:

* Daddy's dark fantasies make me ask a lot of really interesting questions about myself, some questions that I need to answer. Who am I really? What do I really want out of life and relationship and work? What makes me come alive? What gifts do I have to offer and how should I offer them? How can I integrate my passions for God, service to humanity's conscious evolution, psycho-spiritual inquiry, sex/kink, and community building? Where is my niche in this world?

* My relationship to Daddy is helping me to understand the depth of my submissive desires, which run far deeper than I ever realized because no one ever inspired me to true submission. I am not only learning about the various forms of play that turn me on (and have tremendous potential for nurturing evolution), I am learning just how much I desire a Master in my sexual and domestic life. While I could never give my power and freedom entirely to another person (I need independence in parenting, my work and my creative life at least), I feel the desire for a sexual and domestic Master and realize that I have for a very, very long time. There is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction in all of my past relationships because my partners, who often claimed to be dominant, never really desired real submission. They didn't want to work at a deep exploration of power. They just wanted to play.

It isn't just the sexual submission that arouses me, I am deeply satisfied by the idea of domestic service and running a household for someone. It serves my Mother and Servant archetypes. In two years my daughter will be leaving home and my role as a mother will shift. It is already my desire to create some kind of shared home with lover(s) and/or tribe in the next few years, as I can't imagine living on my own, without people to nurture in my home. The possibility of a future home life including domestic service to a Master lights me up.

* bitch is inspiring my imagination. she inspires fantasies and dreams and she inspires me to write.

* My friendship with Daddy has developed into somewhat of a therapeutic relationship for him, allowing me to express my intuitive and healing gifts in new ways, which help me deepen into recognizing and practicing the work I desire to do with people.

* This relationship is both directly and indirectly deepening my resonance with the idea of becoming a Tantrika - a mystical and erotic healer. Wow, I think that's the first time I've admitted my potential new career direction publicly. It's scary to finally speak the truth "out loud" about the direction I believe I'm headed in my bliss work, even though I've been considering it for years. There will be a separate blog post of it's own in the near future exploring this possibility in a deeper way.


Regardless what people in various aspects of my life may think about bitch and this unusual relationship that I'm engaged in, I know that speaking my truth and shining my light as authentically as possible is the right thing to do, wherever it leads.


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