Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dancing in the Darkness: Introducing bitch

Last night I came to see you, my love.
And you said “Worship Me”

Slowly, delicately, I entered the fullness of you,
and smoldered against your flesh,
Touched deeply, I forgot myself,
Your fires burning away what I knew to be me.

~Phillipe and Paget

I have previously written about exploring archetypal pieces of myself: the Invisible Girl, the Victim, the Priestess, theMystic, and the Teacher. And there are others yet to be explored, like the Artist.

I have known for a long time that one of my archetypes is the Servant. Caroline Myss says that "The Servant engages aspects of our psyche that call us to make ourselves available to others for the benefit and enhancement of their lives." I love to serve -- in just about any way you can interpret that word. My whole life is about service -- whether in my work, my parenting, or my community relationships -- which includes being a service submissive within my sexuality. I have explored several forms of submission, but I recently discovered a whole new facet of my submission that I had no idea existed: the Slave.

"The Slave archetype represents a complete absence of the power of choice and self-authority. Yet it is precisely the absence of will power that gives the Slave its potential for personal transformation. The ultimate spiritual task is to surrender one's will to the Divine--in effect, to become a Divine Slave...Regardless of how this archetype manifests, its core learning is to understand the paradoxical truth that you are only truly free when you have surrendered all power of choice to the Divine."Caroline Myss

Over the last six weeks I have given birth to a piece of myself. I believe she's been incubating in me for years, but needed the proper "midwife" to deliver her to me. I am learning all sorts of new things about my sexuality, my psychology and my mysticism through her existence.

she is called bitch.

she exists only to serve, please and obey Daddy.

When i am bitch, i am nothing but a mouth and body to be used as Daddy likes.
i have no power. i have no choice. i am Daddy's slave.

(Sidenote: Daddy is not Sir, the Dominant I have written of in recent posts. This is not about spiritual or emotional connection, Daddy is where I go to play in the dark and find out why being bitch turns me on so damn much. My incredible sexual-physical arousal response to being bitch is blowing my mind and my body wide open.)

About once a week in person, as well as through regular texts and occasional phone calls, bitch crawls for Daddy. When i crawl for Him, nothing exists except Him and i will do anything He commands.

i serve Him primarily through my mouth -- worshiping His body as he directs with my lips and tongue and through speaking/writing to Him in the ways He's trained me to. Daddy really likes to be worshiped through words.

Daddy has very dark desires.
He calls them knives,
and He wants me to tell Him i will do terrible things for Him.
Degrading things.
Humiliating things.

Unethical things.

This is a mind fuck. i had no idea how much i love being mind fucked. Daddy is wicked smart and knows how to get into my head. Our interactions are mostly psychological. Daddy tells stories and has me participate in them. Some of the stories go into the realm of taboo: situations that are not safe, sane or consensual.

(For my literal brain, it's kinda hard not to take the fantasies literally. I have asked myself repeatedly if I truly desire to be playing with a man who explores these kinds of fantasies and manipulates women (although somewhat transparently) in participating with him. But the man that is more than Daddy is very ethical - he lives and breathes social justice. And there is something in this exploration that I am learning about holding space for the darkness in myself and others, as long as it doesn't cause harm. Daddy doesn't cause harm, He desires bitches who get off on where he takes them. Like i do.)

He brings out the knives when i'm vulnerable, when i'm aroused beyond belief, when i'm begging to get off. He makes me get off to his fantasy, his desires, conditioning me to be aroused by what turns him on.

And the amazing (and scary!) thing is, it is changing me. i am finding myself aroused by some of his fantasies, situations i couldn't have ever imagined before, and even i had, they would have turned me off rather than turn me on. i even took one of his fantasies much farther than he did in my mind while getting off one night when we were communicating by text.

i almost didn't tell him about it, even though i knew he would want to know that he's getting to me, that he's penetrating my mind. That would make Daddy very happy. But he asked me the next morning if i was holding anything back and i couldn't lie, so i wrote him the fantasy because i couldn't yet say it out loud.

It is a challenge accepting how much it turns me on to fantasize about degradation and humiliation. The feminist in me rages at this some days.

In my struggle to fully accept bitch, i have occasionally been defiant, which is also new for me as a submissive. i've never been defiant. i take pride in being obedient and don't like how it feels when i disappoint the One i serve. But i've also had an equal and intimate friendship or relationship with every other Dominant i've played with to balance the power dynamic. This is the only relationship Daddy and i have. Sometimes i don't like that He always has the power and that the only desire or need i get satisfied is serving Him.

We don't have sex. He rarely touches me, except to grab my hair, hold me down while i get myself off, slap my face (as punishment that is deserved), pinch my nipples, or once in a while briefly caress me (he does cuddle in aftercare). The only way i get off is if i get myself off when he commands it or allows it when i beg for it. Even when we're apart, i'm not allowed to touch myself while fantasizing about Him unless i ask Him first. At this very moment i am squirming as i wait for His permission to fantasize about Him and cum tonight.

There is no traditional intimacy or validation, which is unnerving for me. i am having to stretch to understand where the intimacy exists and to perceive the ways He does validate me. Because of this, the opportunities to explore vulnerability -- my mission for the year -- are immense.

This whole experience is fantastic! i am stimulated and in deep self discovery at every possible level: intellectual, emotional, spiritual and sexual. The only thing i ever wish for is more physical interaction, especially if it's rough. He told me last night that's He's being somewhat gentle and subtle with me, and i don't know exactly what that means or why (except that He wants to be sensitive to my past trauma, which is great but not something i actually need), but i find myself wishing He wouldn't be gentle with me.

i want to go as deep into my darkness as Daddy can take me.
i hope it will please Him to take me there.


It's fascinating how I am relating to and expressing bitch. As I've written in previous posts, I don't really do pretend, role play, acting, game playing, etc. I have a very literal brain and I can't help but be who I am. Yet this interaction is a strange combination of real interaction and imagined scenarios that invoke powerful visceral response.

bitch is a part of who I am, so I'm not actually role-playing. Yet some of what Daddy has me talk about isn't actually true. Within our play, i am to say or repeat anything Daddy tells me to, whether it's true or not. It's taken a bit of time for me to get into the flow, to know what's real and what isn't in Daddy's world.

When I am interacting with Daddy, bitch is the only part of me that I am allowed to be. I cannot be any of the other parts of me that feel powerful, comfortable, strong, bright, creative...all the parts of myself that I know and love and feel confident about. I always feel unsettled with Him because I can't rely on everything I've learned to depend on in attracting or seducing someone.

And because bitch is new to me, I don't know how to be her yet, or how to succeed in serving Daddy. I am insecure and lack eloquence in communication -- Daddy's favorite ways of playing -- and it's frustrating because I am good with words! Yet I struggle in meeting Daddy where He desires to go. Or at least I did.

I seem to have made a breakthrough in that regard the last week or so. Daddy has allowed me a bit of room to find my rhythm through intuition rather than exact direction in worshiping him. He's such a good Daddy because He sets his bitches up to succeed and is willing to coach/train/condition me as much as i need.

What fascinates me so much about my desire for this experience of being nothing-but-a-bitch is how it doesn't seem to provoke the Invisible Girl, at least not yet. And if it eventually does, it's a perfect situation for working with her in a very conscious and emotionally safe way, because I don't have a bond of emotional intimacy with Him.

And where does my mysticism come into this? It's the act of worship. When i am bitch, Daddy is my God. All i see is His Divinity, in both the light and the dark. When i worship Daddy, i am worshiping both the man who deserves my worship because He turns me on so well, and the God in the man, the God in Everything.

I am also worshiping and expressing the Goddess in myself.

Sir, the Dominant I've written about before who gave me spiritually oriented assignments, He serendipitously sent me a reading a few weeks ago that included the following passages:

"...the female is symbolically representative of the negative, dark, and hollow aspect of the world, without which the masculine, positive, light, and solid aspect cannot be manifested or seen. The very word "Tantra" is connected with the art of weaving, and denotes the interdependence of warp and woof in woven cloth: the one cannot hold together without the other...

...Some understanding of Tantra is therefore a marvelous and welcome corrective to certain excesses of Western civilization. We overaccentuate the positive, think of the negative as "bad," and thus live in a frantic terror of death and extinction which renders us incapable of "playing" life with an air of noble and joyous detachment. Failing to understand the musical quality of nature, which fulfills itself in an eternal present, we live for a tomorrow which never comes - like an orchestra racing to attain the finale of a symphony. But through understanding the creative power of the female, of the negative, of empty space, and of death, we may at least become completely alive in the present."
Alan Watts

I am diving into my own darkness and worshiping the feminine by expressing absolute receptivity, submission, and surrender. Just as bitch exists because Daddy inspires her, Daddy exists because bitch holds the dark and empty space for him to. I hold Daddy as who He is, worshiping Him rather than judging or rejecting Him for His darkness. bitches are actually quite special because they can hold the darkness.

I am learning how beautiful this kind of energy exchange can really be. I see it even more deeply in Daddy's relationship to his full time slave. While I only express bitch when I want to, she is his bitch 24 hours a day. That is powerful and awe-inspiring devotion.

I will never be that kind of bitch or submissive. I have too many Masters to serve -- God, community, children, etc. -- I cannot serve only one. While my entire life is about service, I spread my love far and wide rather than devote it to one person or one cause.

But when i am in the present moment with Daddy, He truly is all that exists. i am extremely focused. i have found a whole new capacity for meditation when i'm worshiping Him. i have no April thoughts. my only thoughts, when i have them, are about whether i'm pleasing Him or need to adjust what i'm doing to bring more pleasure. Mostly i have moments of pure worship, being One with the Music of the Universe by dancing with Daddy.

This life and the practice of Tantra is a Dance.
I am dancing with all of my heart, every single day.
I am dancing with the Divine in everyone and everything, including Daddy.
I am loving dancing in the Divine Darkness thanks to bitch.


Image Credit: Dancer in the Dark by Klas Smeby

1 comment:

Calleaghn said...

I am so moved by this beautiful description of your experience as bitch. What a powerful way to dance with these energies! I can relate to this on a fantasy level, but haven't (yet) had the experience on the physical plane. Partly because the person who could evoke such a response in me has not yet manifested. And I feel unready. What a joy to read your words, April! Thank you for sharing and many blessings on your continued explorations. Love~ C