Needs

I am having a lot of difficulty with the concept of needs. So much of the reading I've been doing about conscious relationship, polyamory, self-love, etc. talks about needs, meeting our own needs as well as communicating our needs so that they can be met by our partners. But there is no real definition of a need vs. a desire. I am really struggling to understand what my needs actually are and how important they are. Is having most of my perceived needs met more important than being in a loving relationship that meets some of them?

As human beings we have basic needs. There are survival needs: food, shelter, clothing, etc. For a vibrant life, there are also needs for self-care and connection to other human beings (to be witnessed and intimacy through conversation and touch). But beyond that, can anything else be called a need?

If I am a healthy single person with friends and community but not dating, then anything that would be called a relationship need is null and void. I can live without sex with another person. I can live without romantic intimacy. I can live without the validation. I can live without everything that comes from romantic involvement. So what are my needs in romantic relationship and how many of them should I expect to be met by someone I'm dating vs. a boy/girl-friend vs. a life partner?

Over the last two weeks Knight and I have had a series of situations involving poor communication around the changes and losses taking place in our relationship in order to accommodate his relationship with Rose. I have been trying to determine what I need in order to feel emotionally safe and cared for in an intimate relationship with him (or anyone). One need I have established is to feel considered and included in decisions that affect our relationship and time together.

On the heels of our emotional heaviness, this weekend was the first kid-free weekend that Knight chose to spend with his other lover. We have spent all of his kid-free weekends together since our relationship began, except for the couple weeks between "breaking up" and coming together in this new relationship.

What I am learning about my experience of transitioning from a full-time life-partner relationship into part-time poly-dating relationship is that it isn't just the lost time that is difficult to adjust to, but his inaccessibility during that time. I can't call him for any reason, no matter what's unfolding in my life (unless it's an absolute emergency). I can't flirt by text with him when I'm feeling loving or sexual. Nor can I call on him when I am having a difficult day. He is inaccessible because he needs to protect his relationship with another. We have been communicating nearly every day of our relationship and now even that is decreased by this new relationship.

What caused me suffering this weekend was that after spending 7 hours cleaning and packing my house on Saturday and again on Sunday, I was extremely tired and sore and all I needed (desired?) was to be witnessed and held by Knight. I needed to be naked and raw with someone, witnessed and held in my experience, and he is the only person with whom I have that level of intimacy. But he wasn't available. I couldn't even reach out to tell him what I was experiencing. I was alone.

In the moment it felt like a need and I suffered for not having it met. But here I am on the other side, still a whole person (yet sad and confused because the man I love wasn't there for me). So was it need? Or just a desire? Is it a temporary feeling that will shift over time as I continue to share him? Or do I need a partner who is more accessible to me?

I am caught up in sadness and confusion (amplified by exhaustion and physical pain) and likely to darken our date tonight with my grief over the changes that keep happening to our relationship. This was the man I was going to share a life and a home with. Now I have to accept that not only is that dream not coming true, but I am losing time, accessibility and intimacy with Knight because of what he is choosing to give his other relationship.

I have a lot of questions coming up for me around the sort of poly arrangement that Knight desires to live and whether partnership could ever be an option. Can one be a life-partner if they are only sharing half their life -- half their time and accessibility, half their resources available for intimate relationship?

Knight talks a lot about desiring to treat us both like whole people. But I don't experience my wholeness being honored when I can only have my needs met on our date nights and the rest of the time I am on my own...like a single person. How do I continue to be completely vulnerable and open with someone in a part-time relationship whom I cannot depend on except when time is scheduled? Do I truly desire to?

I have been a single mother, navigating life on my own and for other human beings, since I was 17 years old. Even within my so-called marriage I was alone in significant ways -- the only (4.5 out of 7 years) or primary breadwinner and the only one to keep the house and family functioning while my ex-husband played on his computer all day and night. I very strongly desire a life-partner -- someone to share the day-to-day joys and responsibilities of family, someone to share community with, someone to provide support when life gets rough, and someone who desires to meet most of my emotional needs in intimate relationship. I desire to have someone I know will at least strive to be there when I'm falling apart. I also desire to go as deep into conscious and spiritual partnership as possible. I just don't know how that's possible in a part-time relationship.

I am deeply concerned that no matter how much Knight and I love each other, we just may not be compatible in our desires for relationship or structures of polyamory. I am not giving up yet. I am just trying to see the truth of the situation.

Desire

"You will be called upon to account for all the permitted pleasures in life you did not enjoy while on earth." From the Koran (I interpret "permitted" only to mean it doesn't cause harm.)

If this were true, I would have quite an accounting to give.

In reading Love and Awakening by John Welwood at Harbin, I had a significant insight into my wounding. The idea is to look at what your partner triggers in you and then turn it back on yourself to look at how you are treating yourself the way that you are accusing your partner of treating you. It's not as convoluted as it sounds.

Here's my example: I have big triggers around feeling invisible and fear of abandonment. There are things that have happened with Knight that have made me feel invisible and/or terror that he will abandon me. These are the things that trigger my fear explosions. So I asked myself, how have I been invisible to myself? How have I abandoned myself?

The answer: I am almost completely unaware of my own needs and desires. Most of the time I live my life for meeting the needs of others, whether it's working an unhappy 9-5 job to keep my daughter out of poverty or working several volunteer hours a week to keep the Imps functioning. I live more often from a sense of obligation than genuine desire for what I am doing. Even when I make choices to serve, I look for where the need is (administrative leadership) rather than look at what I truly desire to give (creativity and emotional connection/support).

Then, when I am burned out from taking care of everyone else, I treat myself badly. Because I'm burned out, I choose to be lazy rather than take care of my self, my home, my creativity and my joy-full relationships.

Wow. I am astounded at how I have neglected and abandoned myself into invisibility. Of course I feel invisible around others; I am not seeing myself, so how can I expect anyone else to see me?

Today I started reading Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. It's a little over the top but the Universe brought it my way and I'm beginning to understand why. The book is about women getting in touch with their desires in order to create a vibrant life.

I am beginning to wonder how few minutes a day I spend actually doing what I desire to do, rather than doing what I believe I have to do to meet someone else's needs? And how many minutes a day do I spend wasting time on unfulfilling activities because I feel burnt out or in order to avoid doing what I believe needs to be done? (For instance, when my house is a mess and rather than clean it when I have nothing else to do, I veg out on wine and Facebook or movies.)

At the end of the second chapter she has an exercise in which you are to have a conversation with yourself. You ask, "What do you have on 'desire'?" And then you keep answering until you get to the truth of what you desire, small things to big.

When I asked myself the question I realized I have a complicated relationship to desire, because I have been taking baby steps towards acknowledging and manifesting a few of my desires, especially sexually. I am just beginning to trust that not only is it ok for me to express my desire, but the people I love want me to have my desires.

I realize that the one thing in my life I absolutely desire is Knight and the time I spend with him. As we have re-evaluated our relationship the last month and I have really examined my motivations for spending time with him, it is nearly always genuine desire to be with him. I enjoy our conversations, from the intimate sharings to the philosophical meanderings. I enjoy how much he makes me laugh. I enjoy our flirting and near-constant touch. I enjoy all the little observations he makes about the beauty in the world. I enjoy going out and experiencing the world with him. I enjoy what I feel and experience when I am with him -- joy, love, confidence, desire, connectedness, intimacy, curiosity, and wonder.

Considering this desire makes me aware of others...

I desire more intimate relationship in my life, not just with Knight, but with others as well. Relationship is one of my greatest joys. I desire more intimacy in my friendships. While I love my tribe, most of our time together is spent in fun gatherings of various sorts. I desire more cuddling, more holding hands, more touching in comfort and support. I desire more talk about our passions and how we are making our lives more vibrant. I desire more heart-inspired conversations about who we've been and who we are becoming. I desire to talk about the important things in life--the state of our world, what others are creating (art and culture), and what's really unfolding in our own personal journeys. Talking about what matters doesn't have to be heavy. It can be inspiring and joy-full.

I desire intimate relationship with a woman. It has been many years since I have had any kind of on-going romantic or sexual relationship with a woman. (I actually acted on this desire over the weekend. Even if it doesn't lead to where I hope, the asking was empowering and makes it easier to ask in the future.)

I desire spiritual community to share and learn with. I desire people to connect with regularly who are on the conscious path and who desire to support each other with intention. I desire community that desires to learn through study and practice, as well as transformational experiences and intimate sharings. I have been talking about this with various community members for a year and a half. It's time to take action.

I desire more art. I desire the time and energy to create beauty from my own hands or to write about my story. I desire other artists to collaborate with and be inspired by.

I desire fulfilling work. I desire to be making a living from doing things I love rather than earn a paycheck for pushing paper/bytes, answering phones and being bored.

I desire a healthier body that isn't uncomfortable all the time.

I desire a new home to live in. We've been looking for another house for a long time. The house we are in is full of dark energy from my years with my ex-husband. And the landlords don't care for the house so it's falling apart. I desire a nice house surrounded by beauty with a good landlord.

These are all big things. I can't really think of any little things I desire right now, but I'll keep my awareness open. As part of my new daily practice in self-care, I hope to start checking in with myself regularly about what I really desire, especially when I do get to make a full choice about how to spend my time and energy.