Feels Like More Love Than My Heart Can Bear

Sometimes I lose sight of the most important reasons that I have given my life to sex positive activism and consciously building cultures of love. Sometimes I get so caught up in my little bubble of liberal culture in Humboldt County that I forget what's going on in the rest of the world. This past week and a half I have been broken open by both love and heartache.

Here's what's going on in the rest of the world...

"Intrepid "60 Minutes" correspondent Lara Logan endured a "brutal and sustained" sexual assault by a mob of men while covering the Egyptian uprising, CBS News said."

Rape used as a weapon of mass destruction: "A source from Tripoli has confirmed to us that Al Zawiya Street hospital seen many rape victim admittances last night. Such deplorable and sickening actions were committed after Gaddafi’s speech in which he called for door-to-door cleansing of the city from those who are against his regime." thelibyanrevolution.tumblr.com

It's easy in my safe and incredibly beautiful little corner of the the planet to forget how much violence is a normal state of being in other parts of the world. When I identified as a sexual trauma survivor and created The Yoni Endeavor, I focused my attention on violence against women. Now that I work through sex positive activism and loved based spirituality, I spend my time and attention on positive things -- creating amazing spaces for people to connect and share, nurturing healthy relationships in my intimate circle and the community at large, and writing about my journey to deeper experiences of Love. Rather than being a reactionary activist who creates more resistance, I strive to embody, role-model and create the change I seek to see in the world. I strive to create cultures of love.

Someone said to me last night that he felt that with our events we create little windows of how it's possible for the world to be -- a place where everyone is free to express themselves and find belonging.

"When we denigrate the erotic impulse to create and to connect, we fall in love with the power of violence."Beverly Dale

The reason people sexually assault a woman during a revolutionary celebration or war is because their freedom of expression has been oppressed for so fucking long. The freedom to be who we are is the most important thing in the world as far as living together on this planet is concerned. When we are free to be who we are, who we are is mostly good. When we are oppressed and forced to endure constant violence or threat of violence, who we are is miserable and we perpetrate that misery on each other. It seems like common sense in 2011 and yet we are still perpetuating the misery everywhere.

"Your happiness is the most significant contribution that you could make. In your reaching for happiness, you are opening a vortex which makes you an avenue for well-being to flow through you. And anything that is your object of attention under those conditions, benefits by the infusion of your Well-being." Abraham

This past Valentine's weekend I continued to participate at a very deep level with The Impropriety Society as Co-head of Vibes because I believe so strongly in community and creating a safe space for true freedom of expression. It's so amazing what happens when people feel free to express themselves - because what we all really desire to express is love and joy and play and creativity. We want to make music or dance or create beautiful costumes or plan edgy scenes or make love to someone or spend the whole night having a love affair with everyone we come into contact with. In the depths of our hearts, most of us long to be a part of a culture of love.

I did try to embody Vibes and connect as deeply as I could with everyone I interacted with, not just during the party, but during the entire weekend. I tried to follow through on every impulse for connection - from inviting someone from Facebook to attend whether he knew people who were going or not, to doing a little energetic work with a performer who was feeling low physically, to giving hugs generously during breakdown. I didn't always succeed. I lacked a bit of grace here and there (like on stage of all places), or just wasn't as present as I could be. But I have to trust that everything unfolded as it was meant to and everyone made the connections they needed to.

What I experienced with the community was amazing and what unfolded within my personal relationships was downright magical. What amazes me more is to know that my dearest friends and a whole lot of other people had this kind of big magic that night. So much goodness! I am sharing what my goodness looked like because I want people to understand what is possible when you open yourself in the biggest possible ways to loving others.

I am loving how there are so many different kinds of relationship unfolding for me - from the lovers who ignite my sexual fire, to the kissing friends who have passionate make out sessions with me, to the snuggle friends who are cuddly every time I come near, or even the guy I met in the smoking area and gave his first kiss of the night. As I open my heart to the fullest expression of love I'm capable of, I receive more and more love from the people around me. As I break out of the limitations of traditional relationship structures, I am able to receive as much love and touch and intimacy as I can possibly stand. It isn't just at the parties, it's extending into deeper relationships with members of my tribe that I haven't gone so deep with before. Three of my five lovers are dear friends turned something else. Even my definition of lover has changed. I think a lover is someone with whom we share deep physical and emotional energy, possibly even erotic, but that doesn't mean it has to express full-on sexually. Lovers are people we share deep intimate love with in a significant way.

I had so many lovers at 1001 Arabian Nights.

My first date of the night was with one of my kissing friends, K. I asked him for a cuddle date. It was the first time we set intention to spend together at a party. We both ended our Vibes shift at the same time and it was a perfect transition from working to playing. K is such a bright light and one of those beautiful souls who mirrors my light back to me in profound ways, and has done so since the night he met me at our first event and we played spin the bottle. We became kissing friends instantly.

Then i had an impact play date in the dungeon with Him. He had me change from my sexy party dress to my slutty lingerie before our scene. He gave me an intense spanking/caning (on the double-sided cross across from my ex-partner and his playdate-also-one-of-my-dear-friends whom i gave a kiss, which was very cool). Afterward, we moved out into the main room and cuddled on the couch by the dancefloor for what He later called a "cosmic make-out scene." i have to agree. i danced for Him. That was really fun and i want to do it again. He turned me on so much and then wouldn't do anything about it, other than let me touch myself a bit. Damn sadist. i had a lot of sexual tension built up, which He told me He hoped i would find someone to relieve. Bastard!

What I didn't realize at the time was that dancing for Him sorta led me to my last date of the night.

But first I snuggled with Sean, who is so very awesome. Sean is a young and beautiful androgyne, an incomprehensible and compelling blend of woman and man, who is one of the best snugglers in the world. At least in my world. We have only become snuggle friends in recent weeks, after one of my moments of intentional vulnerability in which I asked for full cuddling rights. Sean has brought considerable goodness into my life since saying yes.

I am surrounded by these radiant lights embodied in my wonderfully quirky friends who are vulnerable enough to be exactly who they are and share themselves with me.

Ok, so back to my last date of the night. Eros and I have had pretty intense sexual tension between us since we met three years ago while co-creating Cherries Jubilee. Eros is the DJ and he has been one of our most amazing volunteers, giving hundreds of hours to creating playlists for every event that we've produced. He's bought equipment so that we would have the best possible sound. He's dealt with other dj's who've haven't jived with our groove or who partied too hard or brought drunk and dramatic women or who just didn't bother to show up at all. He DJ'd this last party completely on his own because the others canceled at the last minute. He's tried as hard as he could to give us what we ask for as part of the vision of each party and this last event totally rocked it. Eros is a wonderful human being who has given his whole heart to the Imps community.

It's no wonder I dig the guy so much. And I have been flirting with him more than I have ever flirted with someone. He identifies as poly but was in a complicated relationship and because he gives his whole heart he just couldn't make space for me, which I understood even though I was disappointed. I've always known what's in him, I can feel it. I can feel how deep he loves. Of course I wanna taste some of that. So I've been mostly patient and keep coming back with an open and flirtatious heart. He's no longer in that relationship and finally opened up his heart to me at this party, which I saw in his eyes when he was watching me dance for Him. At that point I was dancing for both of them. I asked him shortly thereafter if he wanted to play with me and asked that we find a bed rather than play in the dungeon. I was so happy when he said yes. And damn, did we have a good time. It was like an explosion -- three years worth of desire unleashed and the realization that we have really great chemistry. I am so excited for our next date!

I can't believe that I am so blessed to not have one Valentine, but to have an entire community of Valentines. By opening my heart to love, no matter how it shows up, I am blessed with dear friends who share love with me in all kinds of yummy ways. This blog post would go for ever if I were to try to write about every single connection I made, every beautiful moment that filled me so much with love I felt like it was more than I could possibly bear. There were tears shed often over the course of the weekend (as there have been tonight writing this) - always in complete and utter joy.

When I let myself really feel the immensity of the love I have in my life, when I really pay attention to the amazing human beings who see the amazing human being in me, I feel like I could burst with it. I can't believe that this is my life and that I'm only 37 years old and just learning that I deserve this. If I'm only a couple months into creating the life of my dreams, what on earth will I be living in a year, in five years?

What would the world be like if everyone experienced this? If we all felt held and witnessed and loved for all of who we are? How much violence would there be if every single person just experienced enough touch in their life? What would happen if everyone felt as free as we do to be queer or kinky or counter-culture or geeky or whoever they are?

What of a world free of shame? Can you imagine how different we would be if we didn't have shame, if we only had vulnerability and experienced love and acceptance for all of who we expose ourselves to be?

That's what I help to create and desire to create more of. A place where there is that kind of freedom. A place that is so far from the oppression of Egypt and Libya that I forget about the oppression that has driven me to work for a better world. Whatever I can do, whatever I can give, I will so that cultures of love will grow as cultures of violence die away.

I am ever so grateful for the love I am experiencing in my life. But I am far more grateful that an entire community of people is experiencing love at new depths because of The Impropriety Society, because of this amazing magic we co-create together. I am a part of something that is revolutionizing the world one heart at a time, including my own.